Lessons on Grief...

On September 27, Jonny and I were hiking with friends in Aspen when we received the news that one of our best friends in Belize had died suddenly of a heart attack.  We were shocked and completely stunned by the news and as tears streamed down our faces we asked things like “how could Michael die….wait, what, I don’t believe this?” because in that moment of shock we found that it was so hard to make sense of what had happened, let alone try to rationalize anything. 

Our friends who were with us on the hike appeared to be shocked by the news as well, and while they didn’t know Michael, they could tell that he was immensely important to us, however they didn’t know what to do and how to support us in that moment.  In fact, they didn’t say anything.  They didn’t hug us, or try to comfort us, or talk to us; they just stood there, as we stood alone feeling confused and grief stricken over the whole thing.  Their lack of immediate outward compassion left us feeling even more cold and lonely and I realized later that even though these friends are very close to me, are incredibly evolved spiritual beings and have all lost someone that they love – that they didn’t know what to do in that moment or how to support us.  And unfortunately because they were feeling uncomfortable over the lack of not knowing what to do, it made our grief feel even more isolating in that moment.   I hold no hard feelings towards them, for I know that they were just trying to do their best, however this experience made me realize that so many people have no idea how to support a friend who is grieving – which is why I decided to write this blog post.   

During the next two days, I reached out to friends and family for support and from some I received the most amazing heartfelt responses and calls, others didn’t respond at all, and others responded with “oh yeah, I saw that on Facebook, sorry to hear about that” which felt so insincere and almost worse than them not saying anything at all. 

Because here is the thing about people who are grieving – their hearts hurt and feel so raw and vulnerable and alone and so anything that someone else can do to bring authentic love and compassion to them helps them so much to feel like they don’t have to be alone in this. 

Our Michael died on Saturday afternoon and by Monday we had made a last minute decision to go to Belize for the memorial - and we are so glad that we did.  While we there we were able to celebrate his life with our other Belizean friends and support his sweet family who was missing him so much.  It allowed us to cry together with people who loved him and it brought closure and healing to us, which was so helpful. 

While traveling to and from Belize, I also had a lot of time to think and reflect.  I realized that death makes people really uncomfortable and that so many people don’t know what to do when it happens and because of that I wanted to share my experience of it and offer ways that people can help support a grieving friend or family member.

Below I am including 25 AMAZING ways to help a grieving family that was written by Anna Whiston-Donaldson.  Anna is a grieving Momma who lost her sweet son much too early.  I really recommend that you read this and then bookmark it so that you can access it again later when you need to.  However, if you don’t have time to read it all now, then here are 5 of my own tips on ways that you can help a friend or family member who is grieving.

1. This isn’t about you.    If you are feeling uncomfortable or uncertain on what to do - get over it – this isn’t about you or whether you are comfortable or not – it is about supporting your friend whose heart is breaking and showing up in your loving to the best of your ability.

2.   Acknowledge the loss. If you hear that someone has died, reach out to the grieving friends and family immediately to express your condolences.   Even if you don't know the person who died, you can say something like “my heart goes out to you, I can tell from the pictures of (name) that he was a really special person and shined an amazing light in this world, I can only imagine how much he is missed.” Something as small as this can mean so much to a grieving family member.

3. Don’t be afraid to mention their name and tell stories about your time together.  Talking about the person who has passed can be healing not only for you but for other family and friends as well.  While talking about this person can oftentimes bring tears, its ok, tears don’t need to be feared, tears are an expression of love and sadness and are ultimately incredibly healing.

4. Show up.  If you can attend the funeral – GO.  Feeling uncomfortable about going?  Once again – this isn’t about you – this is about supporting the family and bringing love and support to them.  Also, stop by, check in, give hugs (lots of hugs), ask them to go on walks, keep remembering them…..especially in the days and weeks after the funeral when life has gone back to normal for everyone except for them.

5. Practice heart centered listening.  The ability to listen to a grieving friend talk about their loss can mean more than you know.  You don’t need to have all the answers, but you can simply listen and say, “I really hear you” and offer your loving to them.  Sometimes they won’t want to talk and will just want to sit in silence and that is ok too, so offering to just sit in silence with them can be a beautiful way to support them as well.

These are just some of my tips….and by no means am I the expert.  I would love to hear from you - what has been helpful to you as you have gone through times of grief?  Post your suggestions and tips in the comments below, or on the comments on Facebook.

And now for the truly amazing tips for how to “Love On” a family who is grieving…read these….and check out Anna’s website…through her pain and vulnerability, this woman has taught me so much….I hope that she helps to give you insight into how you can support those who are grieving as well.  Read on….

What You Can Do to Help a Grieving Family by Anna Whiston-Donaldson.

1. PRAY. PRAY. PRAY.

2. Attend the Funeral. To attend funerals people must travel, skip work or school, arrange childcare, and figure out parking and directions. Funerals are inconvenient. The bereaved family knows this and will be blessed and lifted when people extend themselves to be there. Do not worry if you were not close to the deceased, or have been out of touch with the family for many years. Attend anyway. A funeral is a communal event; you will not be intruding. You never know if your presence, or even a glimpse of you or a hug from you will be THE ONE that provides the most comfort.

3. Cook. Have a point person arrange meal sign-up via a website such as Take Them A Meal. or Sign Up Genius Consider making a meal and freezing it in your own freezer for when the other meals stop coming. A small family will appreciate smaller meals so they don't feel they are wasting food. We were so grateful to have meals provided for us for almost 4 months!

4. Send a card or a handwritten note. If possible, include a personal story about the the person who died. Even the smallest anecdote is welcome. These are treasured by the family and read over and over. One friend reminded me in a card that one of Jack's first words was "Azalea." How cool is that?

If you are not able to share a personal story, don't worry. A simple, "I am so very sorry for your loss" or "My heart is breaking for you" will help. When you write your letter, consider going ahead and addressing another envelope to send 3, 6, or 9 months out. The envelope will help you remember to pray for the family, and your next letter will come when most people have stopped sending cards.

5. Send flowers to the home or church; however, you may want to consider sending flowers to the home a month or two after the death so that they will not overwhelm the family. Seeing the house full of flowers, that would eventually die, was hard for me.

6. Come by to show your support. When Jack was missing, close friends and family just showed up. They stayed with us until we found out the horrible news of his death. Several sat in the dark at my kitchen table until after midnight to be there when my sister arrived. They all had other things they could have been doing that rainy night, but they showed up.

In the days following a death, a family should have a point person who feels comfortable telling people whether or not it's a good time to visit, because immediate family members may be too shocked and confused to be able to communicate this. When you drop by, be prepared for a quick hug and then to be on your way, but be flexible. If the bereaved family asks you to stay, be open to that, too. Men, don't be shy about coming by. Tim appreciated men dropping by just for him.

7. If you are a close family friend, consider taking any children out for an activity to give them a break from the home atmosphere. Kids need chances to feel "normal" in the midst of grief.

8. Give the family pet some attention. Our neighbor walked Shadow several times a day and even kept her overnight during those first crazy days.

9. Consider the physical needs of the home. Working in the yard could make a family feel too exposed or vulnerable so soon after a death. One friend mowed our grass for us. He didn't know that Jack was the grass mower in our house and that it would be so painful for us to do it ourselves, but he just thought it would be helpful and showed up. Another family raked our leaves. One friend, after asking if it was okay, came by and planted 100 tulip bulbs in our yard while I was at work! Mulching, powerwashing, or cleaning someone's gutters could be other outside jobs a grieving family might not feel able to tackle. You can include your kids in some of these tasks. I remember Tim taking Jack to spread mulch at a newly widowed friend's house and it was a meaningful experience for them both.

10. Drop a gift in the mail. We received grief books, devotionals, inspirational Cd's, fruit, sweets and more in the mail. Every day of the week I now wear special, meaningful jewelry that represents Jack and was sent to me by people all over the world. These touching gifts took time and effort and are so special to us. Margaret has received small gifts and even a care package from France! Consider mailing a gift card to a restaurant or the movies for a family to use later when they feel up to it. Sometimes a gift card provides the motivation to get out of the house.

11. Make a contribution to charity in the name of the deceased. Consider writing it on your calendar now to do annually so the family will know you have not forgotten. These donations help a family see that something positive can come out of their loss. If you feel led, spearhead a scholarship or a charitable event in the person's name.

12. Mention the deceased person's name when you see the family. It's hard. Do it anyway. The family will cry. Do it anyway.

13. Invite a family member out for coffee, a meal, a walk, or a sporting event. One on one time with a friend, sharing the story and processing it, is a valuable form of therapy. Don't worry if they say no; sometimes they are not ready, or they may need to spend time with someone else right now. Ask anyway.

14. Use texting, email, blogging or Facebook to reach out to the family. You can do this anytime of day or night. I have one friend, whom I did not know very well before the accident, who is committed to praying for us and sending us messages when her baby gets her up at night, which is often. Don't worry about saying the same thing again and again. Your friends are not looking for words of wisdom, just the reminder that you are there.

15. Do not feel offended if your phone calls go unreturned. Just leave a loving message. I have found returning phone calls, or even picking up the phone, to be daunting and difficult, but I still appreciate hearing messages.

16. Send photos or videos of the deceased. Even if you think family members might already have photos from an event, send whatever you have. A new facial expression or a different angle provides them with another glimpse of the one who is gone. The photos on today's post were sent to me by a reader I've never met who realized Jack was in the background of some of her photos from the LEGO store in 2010!

17. Use your special talents to show your love. A poem. A knitted prayer shawl or blanket. A painting. Handcrafted jewelry. We have been stunned by the way people have shared their talents by making us gifts from the heart.

18. Get creative! You have heard how our community tied royal blue bows around trees and mailboxes so that we would feel loved when we drove around town. Then our blogging friends tied ribbons at their homes around the world, and even put them on their Christmas trees. Now, we have made blue ribbon magnets with Jack's Bible verse on them for our cars. Who knew how the simple act of tying a ribbon could bring us so much comfort?

Maybe there is a special color associated with the deceased, or a symbol (dove, butterfly, rainbow) that reminds you of him or her. For Jack, friends and neighbors made LEGO crosses to wear at the funeral. These incorporated 2 of Jack's greatest loves! Maybe YOUR idea or kind gesture will be the one that will most resonate with the family, whether it is tying bows, lining their driveway with luminaria, setting up a Facebook memory page, having a card signed by a Sunday School class, or organizing a tribute such as a balloon release. If you are feeling led to commemorate the deceased in such a way, it could be a big blessing to the family.

19. Even if you didn't know the deceased, consider sharing what the deceased means to you NOW. Eternal life is, well, ETERNAL. Jack's life is affecting people in ways we could never imagined, and we are blessed that so many people are making the effort to let us know, through emails, blog comments, letters, or person. This helps ease the sting. Have you had a dream about the person who passed away? Tell the family.

20. You may want to drop by during the day, or at work. While this not be appropriate for some people, because of their job settings, it has been nice to me to be surprised by friends bearing smoothies, hugs, or a cup of tea at my tear-friendly workplace.

21. REMEMBER. Take note of the season, the day of the month, the day of the week, even the time of day that the deceased person left us. Reach out at these times as you feel led-- through a quick email, text, or note.

22. Write the person's birthday and death day on your calendar. Send a note or an email on those days.

23. Memorialize the loved one by planting a tree, erecting a cross, making a stepping stone, donating a book to an elementary school, starting a scholarship, or installing a bench.

24. Visit the cemetery. I have only been to Jack's cemetery 2 times, but I know others have gone FOR me. Maybe a face to face at visit at the family's home isn't your thing, but saying a prayer in the quiet of a cemetery is.

25. Follow promptings. If you feel a prompting to reach out, it could very well mean that the family needs your support. Do not get bogged down thinking about how close you were or weren't before the death. A reality of death is that relationships change during difficult times. The grieving person may not have the support you think they do. YOU may be the one who can best relate, or listen, or connect with a hurting person. It may feel awkward at first, but it's worth it. I think of how blog readers have felt prompted to write to me, share their own experiences, and offer prayer. If they had gotten bogged down about our not knowing each other "in real life," they would never have reached out.

Okay, so this is a VERY long list, and if it weren't after midnight, it would probably grow longer. I hope it doesn't sound entitled, or like I think other people should take care of every aspect of our family's life, just because we lost Jack. These are just some of the incredible ways people have reached out to us, and I hope by sharing them others can be helped similarly.

Of course, NO ONE can do all of these things. But someone did do EACH of these things. And more.

Love is a verb.

Why I am humbled...

Today was a day that I won’t forget for a long time.  It was a day that brought forth a lot of reflection – and a lot of humbleness.   

Jonny and I came to Belize on Friday for vacation.  We are here for 12 days, 8 of those days are vacation, and 4 of those days are to work with our offices and staff here.  Today was one of those “work” days.  We started off the morning by having a quick meeting with the team and then jumping into Nicole’s car to drive around town and see projects that ProWorld had recently completed.  We then left town and drove out into one of the nearby villages to one of our project partners who produces organic Mayan chocolate.  We went upstairs with them to the second level of their open air house and was served a homemade lunch of the most delicious rice, beans and chicken – with homemade hot chocolate and bites of homemade chocolate for dessert.  While we ate, Juan, the man who runs the chocolate farm, spoke to us about how they are producing the chocolate from the ancient Mayan traditions of sustainable agriculture, respecting the jungle and the ecosystem and about not forgetting tradition and respect in everyday life.  It was inspiring how much he knew about the sacred balance of our fragile ecosystem, but yet how much faith he still had in humanity and his neighbors to restore it.  He said that the weight of the jungle is on his shoulders and if he doesn’t carry it and fight for the change, then who will?  And as I sat on his porch, eating rice and beans in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity, with no air conditioning, three mangy puppies playing at my feet and two chickens clucking behind me – I was humbled for the first time that day – for I oftentimes forget that one person can make a change.  This man feels that he is holding the entire weight of the Belizean jungles on his shoulders – yet he is not overwhelmed by that thought – he is inspired by it and taking on the challenge on a daily basis.  There have been many times in my life where I have stayed quiet said to myself “ah, I’m only one person, my voice won’t mean a thing” – but today I was reminded that it does and that that overused Margaret Mead quote of “Never doubt that a small group of dedicated citizens can change the world, indeed it is the only thing that ever has” may actually be overused because it is true….

After we left the Mayan chocolate factory, we took an hour long drive, on a bumpy dirty road, out to Barranco – one of the most secluded villages in Southern Belize.  Barranco is the hometown of the famous Belizean musician, Andy Palacio.  It is also the hometown to 160 other Gariffuna Belizeans who rest together peacefully on the edge of the ocean, in the middle of the jungle.  Barranco is dense jungle like I have never seen it before – the jungle runs right down to the water’s edge, there is no beach, nothing – just jungle and ocean - and in-between that some grass roads, some huts and a small (think smaller than your smallest bedroom) corner store.  We walked throughout the village greeting friends of Nicole’s, sitting on their porches, sharing in smiles, laughter, stories and jokes and then continuing along our way.  It was so simple, yet so profound, and such a sweet, simple way to let the afternoon pass by.  

As night fell we made our final stop to visit a close friend of Nicole’s, Joan.  Joan is an ex-pat from the US and has two daughters around the ages of 8 and 11.  She has lived in Belize for the past 20 years and has quite the story.  Her house has no electricity, and one small candle lighting the house, along with some dim light pouring in from the street.  In the darkness we ate a simple, yet delicious dinner of rice, beans and fried plantains, while we swung from chairs that were hanging from the rafters of her thatched roof.  As we chatted and ate in the dark, I was amazed at how the darkness didn’t affect her daughters at all, they moved throughout the kitchen and bedrooms as if having no light was no big deal – and it wasn’t – it was part of life there.  The sun goes down at 6pm, which means it is time to eat, and then play for a little bit and then go to sleep.  The girls were so joyful throughout all of this, playing, joking and carrying on with their mother like young children do.  It was so refreshing to see; we don’t need all of this electricity that we pump into our houses, sure it is nice to have, but it is definitely not necessary to have a happy, functioning family.  As the girls ran around barefoot throughout their house, which connects to the jungle-ness of their front yard, the mother was telling us about a recent trip back to the States where they visited their family in Ohio and after observing life in the US, her oldest daughter said “Mom, people in America don’t walk barefoot on grass do they?”  And I thought, no honey, they don’t, because walking barefoot in long grass isn’t safe and if you do walk through it, then you have the chance of stepping in dog shit like I did today and Americans hate things that aren’t safe and more than that, they hate stepping in shit.    And it isn’t that you can’t do these things in America – it’s just that most people don’t.  We do step in dog shit, but we hardly walk barefoot through un-manicured grass, and we definitely don’t eat in the dark, in our living rooms, and enjoy it.  And so after this simple experience of spending time in their house, I was yet once again, humbled.

After we departed their house, we began our drive back home and Nicole started telling us more about Joan’s life and it is a rough life at that.  Joan used to have a 2 year old boy, and when she was out of town, the boy was taken by a drunk man and murdered.  She then had a 3 year old daughter who was hit by a car and killed.  Then her husband physically and mentally abused and controlled her so much that she almost died, so she took her two daughters and left the prospering business that they had created in another village in Belize, left the comforts of their home, and ran away from her husband.  Now they live in the little village of Barranco, where life was sweet until the girls were both recently physically assaulted by a man in the village.  He is now locked up – but when will this family get a break?  And I tell you this, not to make you sick to your stomach, but because it is their reality and it will make you feel humbled – as it did for me – that it is not your reality.  This mom now makes soap in Barranco and sells it for $2.00 USD a bar in order to support her family.  I bought 4 bars today, but that was prior to knowing her story.  Had I known her story, I would have bought out her store and given you all bars of soap as presents for the next 10 years, but I didn’t know her story at the time so will just have to send her lots of love and light in the meantime and buy more next time.  But the thing is, even after all of this – the family still has joy.  They still laughed throughout dinner and ran around barefoot - giggling - playing freely throughout the yard.

As so it is.   These are the stories of Belize.  These are the reasons that I am going to bed humbled tonight.  Today I learned a great deal about strength, humanity, simplicity and unity.  Today I once again fell in love with Belize, but yet was also scared like hell from it, and totally and completely humbled by it. 

Traveling....

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I began writing this blog entry back in July while I was still in Peru....and I finally just finished it tonight, but wanted to post it all together as it didn't seem right to split it up. So the beginning is written while in Peru and the rest was written in the States....

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In the past seven months I have traveled to six different countries and worked in four. I’ve been lucky enough to have lived and worked in the United States, Mexico, Belize and Peru and have traveled for leisure to Cuba and Guatemala. I tell you this not to brag, but to explain my life and both the excitement and difficulties that come with moving around to a different country every month and a half. Currently, I am in the rare position to be able to work for an amazing company – ProWorld – which grants me the ability to have this lifestyle. But soon, this lifestyle of being a traveling nomad abroad is going to come to an end and I will be returning back to the States for the next five months or so. As the reality of this begins to sink in and I start to process what this means for my life, I continue to find myself in a state disarray – not quite ready to leave the mountains of Peru, but also somewhat excited for the sweet lakes of northern Minnesota. My heart doesn’t know where to rest as I feel like I am being pulled in two different directions. There is a part of me that feels so alive and content when I am living my life abroad – and it is a completely different life than the one I lead in the United States. I feel like my body reverberates with the energy and simple lifestyle that I get from living in countries like Belize, Mexico and Peru. However, then there is also this part of me that feels like I am missing out on family and friends back at home – and this is what leads me to my feelings of disarray. So today, when I was feeling especially confused – I started to look up quotes about traveling and I found that reading them helped to bring some clarity and explanation to my thoughts. So with that I am going to try to explain my experiences abroad the past six months with quotes, as I feel that they will help me to organize my thoughts and with that, here is the first quote:

“Travel is glamorous only in retrospect.” – Paul Theroux

Oh Paul Theroux – how right you are. This life that I currently lead of constantly traveling; never having stable home, community, relationship, and friends is a hard one. It brings to me fantastic life experiences and memories, but also feelings of disruption and being displaced. I feel like my friends who look in on my life feel like it is a glamorous one – and it is to some extent – but it is also really hard, because I fall in love with every place I go, and as soon as I begin to love it, it is time to leave. Currently I am in Peru and I want to stay here for a long time. Finally here I have relationships, I have community, I have a healthy work life, a fantastic environment to live in with mountains in my backyard, fresh veggies and fruits for every meal and contentment. It’s a good life these folks lead in Peru and I am not looking forward to leaving it. So yes, my life is glamorous, but it is also difficult. Falling in love with a place and then leaving it so quickly is never an easy thing and in the moment it can be really hard. But when I look back on it – in retrospect – it is glamorous and amazing and I am often so glad that I took the opportunities to travel, even it if meant me having to be uprooted month after month.

"Good company in a journey makes the way seems shorter." - Izaak Walston

I love this quote, because when I read it alls I can think of is that sweet Jonny Roman of mine. In the past eight months we have traveled through Belize, Guatemala, Peru and the States and each trip has been amazing. We’ve jumped off cliffs into waterfalls in the rainforests, roasted marshmallows over lava, climbed Machu Picchu, watched the sun set and moon rise over Lake Titicaca, and explored Chicago and the Midwest together. We have spent a lot of hours together on bumpy, sweaty buses, in dirty taxicabs, in rental cars, and airports and the time has always flown by. We travel well together. We support one another, watch out for each other, keep each other safe and healthy, and most of all – we have so much fun together. All of those long hours spent traveling seem so much shorter when Jonny and I are together. This past week he came and visited me in the States and traveled around with me going from school to school and state to state – and it was the best week of travels that I have had this fall. Jonny made renting cars fun. He made being lost in a city, while starving and freezing, fun. He calmed me down when I was stressed out, and made me laugh the entire week. And he found all of these little things to appreciate about every city that we were in, which made me more appreciative of them as well.

So long story short – all of these travels that I have had the past year, wouldn’t have been nearly as great if I had to do them all on my own. But because of my friends and having people to share them with – the experience was so much greater. I have traveled a significant amount with people who are not good traveling companions, people who you want to leave at the rest stop in the middle of your journey, and people who complain the entire time, or who bring the excitement of your adventures down. And so therefore I have found that it’s important to find the right traveling companions – ones who help make the journey seem shorter. And I just so happen to be pretty lucky in the fact that my best friend and guy that I love madly also happens to be my favorite traveling companion. We have a lot more traveling to do in our future, and I can’t wait to see whats in store….

“No one realizes how beautiful it is to travel until he comes home and rests his head on his old, familiar pillow.” – Lin Yutang

As much as I love traveling and exploring new areas, there is no better feeling than arriving home and sleeping in a familiar bed, with a familiar pillow. I love nothing more than arriving home from a long trip, going to bed and sleeping so hard in my own bed that I wake up and wonder where I am, only to be pleasantly surprised to realize that I am home.

I have traveled so much this past year, that I feel like George Clooney from the movie Up in the Air. I miss home. I miss having constant community. I miss feeling settled. I miss my family and my friends. I miss not being able to see Jonny day in and day out. And I miss not being able to sleep in the same bed night after night.

So yes, there is something beautiful and exciting about traveling and through this traveling I have experienced amazing things. Though, I think that I am ready to stay in one place for a while. Sleep in a familiar bed with a comfortable pillow. Use my own bathroom and get rid of my travel-size shampoo. I’m ready for all of this. And I think that I’ve found a way to combine the beautifulness of travel with a constant feeling of being settled….Stay Tuned.

My love letter to Belize

Well Belize, you did it again and stole my heart once more. There is something about your country that resonates with me – that fills my soul and makes me happy.

This was my third time being back, and I really feel like I got a good grasp on what this country has to offer and was able to dig in deeper to all of the guts and glory that lies within Belize. And when it comes down to it, there is some pretty dark stuff going on here, but to me, all of the light and goodness of this country outshines the dark and makes me love so many aspects of it.

So where do I start with my love letter to Belize? Well, I guess I will start with what I love most. I love the people. I love how friendly and welcoming they are and how they greet you with their eyes and make eye contact while talking to you. I love the fact that when I walk down the streets in the evening that everyone greets me with “Good Night”, and I especially love that my response is “Good Night” back to them. I love how Belizeans answer the phone with “Tell me” and how they say “Rrriiiiggghhhttt Nnnooowwww” in their long, drawn-out Belizean accents. I love that it is a melting pot of people, with the Mayans, the Rastas, the Creole, The Garifuna and even all those crazy old ex-pats. I love the different languages that are sometimes all mixed into one, and I love that I can hear reggaeton, Spanish music and Michael Jackson all blasting from different houses on the same street. I absolutely love that all of the grocery stores are referred to as “The Chinese”, and I love how no one is politically correct in this country. I love that I don’t have to wear shoes and that my feet are constantly dirty, and I love how I can sit barefoot on the windowsill of a bar, drinking my Belikin, while talking to an old friend and feeling completely happy and content. I love that I have gotten addicted to coconut water and how drinking it is a daily part of my life here. And I love those thick, white flour tortillas that you can’t get anywhere else except for Belize. I love that I can swim in pristine, beautiful waterfalls and have no one else around, and I love how I can sit alone on top of a Mayan ruin and overlook Belize and Guatemala at the same time and feel the spirit flow in…. I love the beauty and intensity of the jungle (though I hate the damn bugs that come with being in paradise), and the way that life just seems so good and sparkly when I am out in nature here. And finally, I love how comfortable that I feel here. How I feel like I am at home. How people tell me that I “walk strong” when I walk down the streets - for that is the ultimate compliment - as it shows that I feel at home, that I am comfortable, that I know what is going on and that please, don’t mess with me, cause I am no longer your average, white tourist.

There are so many more things that I love about Belize – but this love letter has to end sometime. So to Belize – thank you for everything that your country has to offer. And to my friends in Belize – thank you for sharing your goodness and love with me and for opening my heart once again to all of the sweetness here. I can’t wait to come back and see you all again. Bless.

Two Years

Today it has been two years since Tyler and I got divorced. The day of my divorce, I remember thinking about if I would ever feel happy again, and I am proud to say that right now, in this moment I am happy and I have been happy for awhile.

Last year the one-year anniversary was a killer for me, whew it was hard. But this year, it snuck right up on me and it has hardly even crossed my mind. Someone took this picture of me the other week and I feel like I look pretty happy in it....so this is my picture of the day.

Horrah for letting go of pain, enjoying life, moving on, staying present, laughing, loving and right now....being in Belize. In this moment, although it is over 100 degrees and I am sweaty and sticky, life is good. I feel like this is such a good testament to the fact that one does heal, life does move on, and even when we are in our deepest despair, we can know that eventually we will experience happiness again.

No...this is not fake....

The other week, I went to this little island off the coast of Belize called Rendezvous Caye. It was this little deserted island and there was no one on it except for our group. It was kind of like one of these places that only exist in dreams or fantasies, but you never really actually get to go there....but yet, I somehow did....

Take a look for yourself - it is stunning. Another reason to love Belize. Speaking of which, I love it here so much that I extended my plane ticket for three more weeks. I was supposed to leave this upcoming Monday, but with all of the work that has to be done, with the fact that Jonny is here, and because of the fact that I love it in Belize....I am staying a little longer before I officially head back to Oaxaca on April 13....

So you are interested in my love life huh? :-)

Sometimes I wonder why I share so openly on this blog....I can't figure it out except that I know that it is a place where I can express myself freely and whenever I read other's blogs who share about their innermost thoughts - I always find that I appreciate the fact that they are sharing their hearts, insecurities, hurts etc....so here goes...here are all the details and I am sure that there are more to come...
I know, I know – I was supposed to have updated you all days ago with the answers and juicy details to the mysterious post that I made before. But I haven’t updated you until now because I’m not quite sure where to start with the Belizean love affair that is Jonny Roman and I.

I suppose that I will start from the beginning and explain who this Jonny boy is…..I met Jonny when I was down volunteering in Belize. He was the director of my volunteer program and at first I found him somewhat aloof and distant and to be perfectly honest – I did not like him very much. But as I got to know him better I found myself finding him attractive and wanting to know more about him. As time passed and I learned more about him I found that he is really quite fabulous – he is originally from Connecticut but lived in Peru for a few years prior to moving to Belize and since then has spent the past year and a half there. He loves being of service and being able to do non-profit work. He plays the guitar beautifully, speaks Spanish fluently, and giggles and laughs more than anyone I have ever met before in my entire life. He is smart, sincere and genuinely good – yet sometimes there is this edginess to him that I really like because it makes me feel like he is a “bad boy” (but not really – it’s hard to explain….). He is open and honest and very comfortable with my divorce and just sweetly listens to me whenever I feel like I need to talk about it. And there are so many more fabulous qualities to him – but I don’t want to bore you with all of the things that I find wonderful about him. And anyway, as I got to know him better I found that we are so compatible with each other, except for the fact that he lives in Belize and I live in Minnesota – miles and miles away. But there was enough of a spark in Belize that we continued to communicate and he came and visited me in the States this summer. It was a fabulous visit and we connected so much while he was here that we decided to keep our relationship going and planned for me to visit him over Thanksgiving.

Which catches you up to speed – almost – as a lot changed during my visit to Belize and the week that followed my return. Essentially, being in Belize over Thanksgiving was the best 10 days that I have had in a long time. I had forgotten how much I love it there and was reminded of how living in Minneapolis is not a good fit for me. When I was in Belize I felt relaxed, peaceful, happy, content, joyful, at ease…etc. And it wasn’t just because I was there with Jonny – it was also because I was back in Belize and I LOVE it there.

While I was there I also kind of ended up falling in love with this Jonny boy and we had the most amazing time together. I know that this is a big statement, but I don’t feel like I have ever connected or been as compatible with someone as I am with him. Yet, the problem is – he is moving back to Peru in January and we are trying to figure out what to do with our relationship. Neither of us wants to do the long distance relationship thing for the next two years and so we find ourselves in a hard situation…there is a lot to consider and lot to talk about and currently I find that my heart is hurting and I am feeling frustrated with the complications of this long distance relationship. There is so much more to explain, but I am tired and need to go to bed – however now that I have finally posted I am sure that I will continue to keep writing as I feel like I have a lot to get off my chest. I love you all

The Rainforest....

This was as of the beginning of June:

So lately my days have been filled with finishing up my volunteer work and spending lots of time swimming and in the rainforests. I have been swimming in the most amazing places lately. The other weekend we went swimming at these beautiful waterfalls that were surrounded by dense forests and 40 ft cliffs that we could jump off of ....I think that we swam and played there for about three hours straight - and by the time we had to go, I still wasn't ready to leave....I loved it. Last weekend we went to Michael's (the jaguar guy) farm which is way up in the rainforest. It consisted of us driving up the Hummingbird Highway (isn't that the cutest name for a highway ever?) through lush, dense rainforests and arrived at the most beautiful piece of land. We turned down this little driveway that was completely and gorgeously overgrown with some of the most amazing tropical flowers and trees - the driveway led to this area of cleared land, with banana trees everywhere and horses roaming and this amazing little creek that bordered the property. We went swimming in the creek and let me just say that swimming in a river, in the middle of the rainforest (in the rain too!) was absolutely amazing. The little river was great fun and you could jump in off some rocks and then the current would push you down the stream and then you would swim back up and do it all over again. I loved it and think that I swam there for at least an hour and a half...it was fabulous. After swimming we went up to the house and sat on the porch until dark, laying in hammocks, listening to the pitter patter of the rain and to Jonny playing guitar. The view from the porch overlooks Michael's land and the most amazing green, dense mountains with clouds wisping in and around them. Pretty much it was a little slice of heaven...

May 26, 2008

This is an excerpt from something that I wrote on the last page of my journal. I started the journal on January 1 when the whole divorce thing began....and it ended on May 26. I thought that I would share with everyone, how far I have come in the past few months:

I am sitting at Cahal Pech overlooking the valley and listening to the rain on the rooftop. The rain smells delicious and fresh and it is so beautiful watching it come down over the valley. I went and stood in it and it made me feel peaceful and happy. I like it here. What I am here to do is work on my own equilibrium and this still feels, at least for now, like a nourishing climate in which to do that.
Overall I am happy and content and feel like I have come a long way since the beginning of all this. Loneliness still has it's way of creeping up on me, but it's occurrence is fewer and farther between. I am stronger, wiser, more thoughtful, more insightful and am working on loving myself more each day. At times I still feel plagued with the divorce, bit I think that with time it will get easier - it has only been two months.

However right now, in this moment, watching the thunder and lightening over San Ignacio, Belize, I am happy. Life is becoming good again.

It's 100 degrees everyday and there is no air conditioning...but I still love it.

I am writing to give you a little update of my past week in Belize and show you some pictures of all the cool stuff that I have been seeing :-)

This past week has been amazing - I am in love with this country. Last week I went to go and see the Jaguars and they are the most amazing creatures that I have ever seen in my entire life....I have included a few pictures of them. There were two of them, one was spotted and the other was black. But notice on the black Jag how you can still see the spots - cool huh? We were so close to them it was unreal, if I wanted to I think that I could have reached out and touched it...but I decided that I really like all 10 of my fingers and that I would keep my hands to myself, just in case it got a little hungry....














My days generally consist of working at the nursing home in the mornings and then working on Jaguar stuff in the afternoon. I am starting to like the nursing home more and more and the people there are really sweet. After I am done doing physical therapy on some of the residents I generally play games with them or help out in the kitchen (they are so understaffed there that the nurses have to make all of the food and prepare the meals as well....and here in Belize everything is hand made and fresh...nothing is prepackaged or in a can....so the nurses have their work cut out for them). The residents all speak Spanish and English and have been trying to teach me Spanish...we are working on my numbers right now and yesterday I played an entire game of Bingo in Spanish...it was pretty great.

Last weekend I went on the most amazing adventure of my life. The girls and I and a group of guys we met from Washington state went to this cave called Actun Tunichil Muknal (ATM) and it absolutely blew me away. To get there we had to hike through the jungle for a few miles, foraging rivers and climbing rocks and stuff...and then once we finally made it to the cave, we had to swim through the entrance, put on helmets and head lamps and then walked, climbed, swam and squeezed our way through tiny openings within the cave for at least an hour before reaching this huge opening with all of these amazing Mayan ruins and skeletons. It was so fun and such an adventure...I think that I can honestly say that it was the coolest thing that I have ever done in my entire life....I wish that I could explain it better, but words will not suffice - if any of you ever come down to Belize you have find a way to get to this cave, as I promise you that you won't regret it.

This weekend the girls and I are going to take a bus down to the Cayes (pronounced Keys) which are the islands off of Belize in the Caribbean....I am not sure if we are going to be leaving Friday (as Friday is my birthday and we may want to spend it here in town) or Saturday morning...but regardless we plan to go and snorkel and swim and lay on the beach and just have a good time....

Well that is about it for now...I am doing well and enjoying the country, my host family and all of the cool people that I have met thus far. I think that meeting the people down here - whether they are locals or just traveling through - is one of my favorite parts of this entire trip....everyone has such a good story...its great. Yesterday I was thinking about how earlier this year a friend said to me "I hope that at some point you can stop surviving and start living" and I feel like I have definitely started living again...and it feels great :-)

The pictures are of the Jaguars, a cougar, the entrance to the cave, me eating a termite (it kind of tasted like a carrot and is supposedly high in protein), and one of the old men at the nursing home who takes care of the chickens in the chicken coop out back. And sorry that it isn't presented all cute and stuff...I just put them up there as quick as I could just so that you could get a little peak of what I am all seeing...maybe when I return to the states I will put it together cutely, but for now this will just have to do! :-)

Belize it or not....I'm leaving tomorrow!

Yes thats right, the start of my adventure is upon me and I am getting pretty excited and a little nervous - but mainly just excited. I found out that for my volunteer work I am going to be working at a health center in the mornings and then in the afternoons I am going to be working with - get this - Jaguars. Ok ok so I don't think that I will be actually working one on one with them, but I will be setting up a survey project that they will be using for the next 10 years and I will get to see demonstrations done with them and stuff like that.....I don't think that it is really as cool as it sounds....but whatever, I still really like to tell people that I am going to be working with Jaguars cause really who in Minnesota ever gets to say that? No one.

I also have found out more about my host family. I will be living with a family of four - a mom, dad, 18 year old son and 15 year old daughter. I don't know much about them except that their dad works for the Ministry of Health (does that remind anyone of Harry Potter and the Ministry of Magic....maybe these guys are wizards...lets hope so anyway). My family also said that in the afternoons when it is hot out they like to go and have picnics by the river and go swimming - which sounds pretty great to me, cause I'm always down for picnics and swimming!

I am a little nervous about this whole deal as I don't know what to expect from it all. But I do know that whatever happens it will be a good adventure and that there will be a lot of learning that will take place.

I was watching the movie Into the Wild the other day and this quote really stuck with me, it said:

"I've learned how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong but to feel strong. To measure yourself at least once. To find yourself at least once in the most ancient of human conditions. "

I think that with everything that has happened in the past four months that this trip will be one of those experiences where I really measure myself. I feel like I got the whole "strong" thing down when I went through the divorce, but I don't feel like I truly measured myself. I am hoping that with this trip - with being of service and traveling alone and having adventures and time to reflect - that I will be able to truly measure myself. I am excited to see what it all entails....

I will try to update while in Belize....so keep checkin' back. Enjoy your desk jobs everyone :-)

I'm going to BELIZE!!!

Last week I applied for a volunteer internship program in Belize and I found out on Friday that I was accepted to the program! I am so excited as volunteering and living in another country is something that I have always wanted to do - however I have always had too many ties and haven't been able to go. But now I am not tied to anything....I'm not in a relationship, I'm not employed, I'm not in school....so I figured now is as good as time as ever for me to get the hell outta dodge and have an adventure.

My program starts May 3 and I will be there until June 1. I wanted to stay longer than a month, however I don't think that I can afford it - but being there for a month should be a good amount of time. I am going by myself and will be living with a host family. I am going through an organization called ProWorld and they seem to be pretty legit. I really like them because their volunteer/intern programs are all set up by people who actually live in the country, instead of it being set up by Americans who go in and are like "you need our help....we are going to help you..." I will work five days a week and then on the weekends will go on amazing excursions throughout Belize. I was reading about one excursion that I will be taking and the description is as follows: "You will go to Actun Tunichil Muknal cave where you will first swim in through the cave entrance where you follow an underground river as it snakes its way through the cave, taking the path traveled hundreds of years ago by Mayan priests. You will then climb your way into a large chamber. As you make your way through to the end of the chamber you will pass Mayan pottery as well as skeletal remains. This adventure is one of the best in Belize and is only recently getting the exposure it deserves." SOUNDS AMAZING RIGHT???

As of right now I am not quite sure what type of volunteer work I will be doing - however I do know that the coordinators down there will set me up according to my experience and skills and how I can best use those to serve others. I'll keep ya'll updated as my plans progress....

Another good thing about this whole Belize deal is that it is a great way for me to explain to others what I am currently doing with my life. Meaning that it is so incredibly awkward for me when I run into acquaintances in Duluth and they ask me one of the following questions:

1. Why are you in Duluth? What are you doing home?
2. Hows married life?
3. How is Tyler? Is he here too???

Lately I have been dreading going out to public gatherings because I hate having to explain the entire divorce situation to people. Depending on who I run in to, I answer with either a short synopsis of the truth or if I am feeling somewhat drained I just tell people that I am back in Duluth for a bit and then am going to do a volunteer internship in Belize. Whenever I mention Belize it generally sparks some good conversation and takes people away from questioning what the heck I am doing back here....I'm not really sure how the best way to deal with all of this is - but I think that I am doing the best that I know how in the moment....I'm trying anyway.

The picture above is of the great blue hole in Belize. It is a limestone sinkhole that is 412 feet deep and is a huge snorkeling/scuba diving attraction - I think that it's pretty amazing - and I am excited to see it in person :-)