And so today, I've decided that I am going to share some of my inner, private life with you all. Because 4 years ago this blog started as a raw piece of who I was when I was getting divorced....and sometimes it comes back to that, but mostly it just shows the shiny, happy people that I'm spending my life with and doesn't express anything less surface than that. And lets all admit it, the best blogs are the ones where people actually share their truth, as their truth is all something that we feel we can connect with on some level. So tonight, I'm sharing my truth with you and will continue to share it in future blog posts to come.
Today is the 4 year anniversary of my and Tyler's divorce. And it has been the easiest divorce anniversary to date. The first three I cried - this year I didn't. Success! Leading up to this date I have been thinking about what I wanted to write and share with all of you and I decided that I am going to share parts of my application for the Masters program that I just applied to.
I recently applied to get my Master's of Spiritual Psychology through the University of Santa Monica (and I'm so excited about it), and with that application they asked me a TON of questions that I spent hours answering - one of which was where I had to describe an event in my life that was difficult and how I overcame that. And so I have decided to share some of that application with you all, as many of you have been with me throughout this entire process and I want you to know where I am today. But more than that, I want to bring back a sense of truth to this blog, because I know that even though many of you have never gone through a divorce, it doesn't mean that you can't relate to many of the feelings of loss that I experienced - as I know that many of you can - and so I want to share in that with you.
Parts of the application were pretty long, so I am only going to post it in a few different parts throughout this week, as to not have to overwhelm you with reading. I'm nervous about sharing this, as it feels really personal, but part of me also feels like it is something that I need to do, as I hope that someone out there will benefit from it.
So goes: Part 1. And congratulations to me - cause I've stopped surviving and have started living again and it feels soooo good.
Love,
Els
11. What has led you to apply to USM’s Program in Spiritual Psychology at this time?
A.) What, if any, challenging events or situations have you experienced (including, but not limited to, abuse, violence, chemical dependence, divorce, anxiety or depression)?
Four years ago, on March 25, 2008, I sat in a courtroom, listening meekly as the presiding judge finalized my divorce. Getting divorced, while without question was one of the most challenging experiences of my life, was also quite possibly one of the most freeing; I just couldn’t see it back then. My now ex-husband was a medical student at the time, and I saw myself as his sweet wife who had committed to supporting him throughout his school career. I had every intention of pursuing a Master’s degree but my husband told me that, due to financial reasons, the two of us could not be in school at the same time, so I was not allowed to enroll. I resigned to his comments and pushed aside my dream of a higher education for the life of becoming a mom and caring for a family. Our marriage did not last long enough for us to have children, and I was left devastated and lost after the divorce.
During my grieving period, one of my coping mechanisms was to sit and write down all of my life dreams that I now had the freedom to accomplish. Of the items I listed, one of the large ones was to go back to school, but for the longest time I could not figure out what for. Did I want to further my Communication and Psychology degrees from my undergrad and study Organizational Psychology, or perhaps continue my interest for international work and study Anthropology or International Education? Nothing was clear. That is, of course, until I heard the woman from USM speak about the Master’s of Spiritual Psychology program. As mentioned, hearing her speak ignited an excitement within me that I had not felt in a long time. Finally I had found a program that fulfilled all of my needs, the thought of which resonated deeply within me. First and foremost, this program allows me to grow spiritually, which is something that I have been craving deeply for the past few years. Secondly, it fits with my current life schedule and profession. I can continue working for ProWorld, yet also participate fully in an education that is dynamic, deep and interactive. Third, I have the freedom, creativity, and additional life and global experience that will help me take this education and use it to fit best within my world. I can apply it both internationally and domestically, utilize it as a manager, a girlfriend, daughter, or friend, and it is something that will be a profound investment in the rest of my life. I feel that I will be able to apply this education to all areas in my life, both personally and professionally, for the rest of my life…and I love that.
After the conference ended, I flew home to Mexico and excitedly told my boyfriend all about USM and that I planned on applying this coming year when we moved back to the States. He fully supported the idea and agreed that this education would be a great fit for me. So here I am, eagerly applying for this program. I return to the United States in July and hope that, with acceptance to your program, I will be able to begin this transformational journey with USM in October.
A.) What, if any, challenging events or situations have you experienced (including, but not limited to, abuse, violence, chemical dependence, divorce, anxiety or depression)?
In June of 2007, when I was 23 years old, I married a man who I had been in a relationship with for five years. In December of 2007, just seven months into our marriage, my husband Tyler surprised me with the news that he wanted a divorce. He would not talk to me about it, would not give me any reasons behind his decision, and had no interest in working on any problems that we were having within our marriage. Three months later, I was divorced. It all happened so quickly; psychologists told me that I was experiencing the type of grief similar to that of someone who had experienced the sudden death of a loved one. I went through many different negative feelings during this time: shock, anger, sadness, depression, obsession, shame and grief. Not only did the news of the divorce have severe mental effects on me, but physical ones as well. I lost about 20 pounds in the first two weeks of our separation and struggled to make meals for myself in the weeks after that, which only prolonged the weight loss. I cried myself to sleep often and needed to have my parents call me every morning for about three months to ensure that I would get out of bed. I was severely depressed throughout this time and struggled with bouts of it for about two years. Throughout our separation, it became clear to me that my husband had been seeing other women, a discovery which created immense amounts of rage and jealousy within me. Since then I have developed issues surrounding the areas of trust and jealousy, especially in my intimate relationships; fears that continue to have negative effects in my life today.
B.) Have you sought support or assistance to resolve or cope with these challenges? If so, please describe and give your evaluation of the effectiveness.
During the time that I was getting divorced, I saw a therapist on a weekly basis and it was one of the best things that I could have done for myself. She helped me become strong within myself again and move through my divorce in a very positive way. I would often start our weekly sessions filled with anger and sadness yet, after our hour session was over, I would leave her office feeling lighter and more balanced. She and I created small, yet tangible goals for me to accomplish each week as a way for me to maintain a positive focus on life. She encouraged me to play my viola three days a week, as playing music was something that relaxed me and made me feel happy. She put me on an exercise and meal plan so that I could regain my physical health, and also gave me a bedtime so that I made sure that I was getting eight hours of sleep every night. Typically, I would not like such strict guidelines, but at this time in my life I needed that kind of discipline in order for me to pull through. During our therapy sessions we would talk about dreams for the future – what were things that I could do with my life now, that I did not have the freedom or ability to do before? I did not know it then, but the list of dreams that I wrote out one day alone in my kitchen became the stepping stone of a completely transformed life for me. It is even one of the reasons that I am applying for this program today. In conclusion, my therapist was an extremely integral part of my healing process and, was it not for her guidance and support, I honestly do not think that I would have made such a positive transformation in my life today.
My spirituality and belief in God also helped me a great deal during this time. I found myself reflecting back (and using) many of the spiritual teachings that I had learned throughout the years – free form writing, forgiveness exercises, meditation, and many other tools that would help comfort and balance me during this difficult time. I was increasingly drawn to God and church in a very large way during and after my divorce. As someone who was never raised to take part in conventional church services on Sundays, for about a two month time period I wanted to attend church with my friends every Sunday just to feel an extra touch of God and community while I was away from home. Once I moved back home to Minnesota (my ex-husband and I were living in Missouri), I once again became very involved in the Movement of Spiritual Inner Awareness (MSIA) and Peace Theological Seminary (PTS). I was lucky to be living in a city that facilitated many different PTS courses including “The Power Within You” and “The Travelers Through the Ages” taking both of these courses literally transformed my life. They moved me to a higher consciousness and helped me release a lot of built up karma, pain and confusion. I walked away from these two classes with a clearer purpose for my life, a stronger connection to Spirit, and a deeper love and acceptance for myself, which was all very healing for me.
One of the final and most important ways that I was able to get through my divorce was through the love and support of friends and family. When I first found out that Tyler wanted a divorce, I was incredibly embarrassed and ashamed by the fact that I was only 23 years old and already getting divorced. However, as I began to open up and tell my close friends and colleagues about my divorce, I found that telling people helped my situation immensely as it reassured me to know that others were caring for me, thinking of me, and sending me their love and prayers. It was at this point where I really started to believe in the power of prayer. I guess I had always believed in prayer, but had never fully experienced its strength until that moment. I could feel the love and energy of friends and family surround and protect me, and I had this inner knowing that the reason I was able to endure so much was because of the prayers, light and love that people continuously sent me. I reached out and asked for hugs, meals, company, love, support; I received all of that and so much more. I learned a beautiful lesson: that there are truly good people in this world – people who openly share their love, homes, and wisdom and do not ask for anything in return. Though this divorce was one of the most difficult experiences of my life, I also received one of the greatest blessings because of it. I learned what it means to lose someone and because of that I have gained deep compassion and empathy and am able to share that freely with others.
All of this helped to give me strength and love within myself at a time where I was feeling very alone. Through the therapy, spiritual practices and unconditional love from family and friends, I was able to get through my divorce with much more dignity, strength and inner love than I would have otherwise without any support systems in place. Through this experience I feel that I have transformed into a strong, independent and loving woman. I am now learning to become more in-tune with myself while listening to the wisdom of my heart, trying to share the gift of love and compassion with others, as my companions did so beautifully with me.
C.) Please discuss how you have adapted or responded to these situations and how you perceive they may be influencing you now.
1) “Life would become good again and that although I could not see it then, I would become happy and find love again.”
2) “Everything happens for a reason, even though I don’t know what those reasons are in this moment.”
3) “God will never give you anything that you can’t handle.”
My dad was right, as my life has become good again. I can now see why I was not supposed to stay married. And God in fact did not give me anything that I could not handle.
Two months following my divorce, I decided to check an item off of my “dream” list and go and volunteer in Belize. While I was in Belize, I stopped surviving and started living again. I found love and happiness and strength and a whole new sense of purpose in my life. Belize opened up my life in ways I could have never imagined, and I know that if I had continued to stay married I would not be here in Mexico today, nor would I have had many of the amazing experiences that I have gained over the past four years of my life since my divorce.
The main things that I have gained inwardly from my divorce are a deeper spiritual focus, inner strength and an understanding of unconditional love. I also have a greater understanding of pain and grief and because of that empathy and compassion. I was shown that even though there are people in this world who can make my life difficult, there are so many others whose tremendous hearts can wrap me up in their love, and I want to do the same for them in return.
As I reflect on my divorce almost four years later I am able to fully comprehend how much better my life has become. I feel happy, strong and excited about my future and can clearly see how I was able to transform a devastating event into a beautiful new life for myself.
