Woah Els...you still miss him....

Today I was blog stalking and was reading Jayne's blog and the song "The Luckiest" by Ben Folds (whose concert I just went to on Sunday) came on. The song is so sweet and simple and is about how he is in love with this girl and sees her face everyday and knows that he is the luckiest...and it made me cry so hard. Like the kind of crying where you stomach heaves in and out and your body just shakes. I haven't cried this hard in a few weeks - I think that I have been trying to distract myself with everything else in my life besides the fact that I just recently got divorced. I've been hanging out with friends and going dancing and to concerts and going out of town and planning for Belize and trying not to think about Tyler and how much I miss him. And then I heard this song and I couldn't distract myself any longer and had to just let myself cry and be really sad. I realized that "wow...I really miss him....so so much."

Tomorrow we will have been divorced for a month and it feels like that day was forever ago. Sometimes I still feel like I am grasping for something to hold on to, cause I still feel like my life is spiraling out of control. It is such a strange feeling to be so distracted, but to have this weird, underlying sadness with me wherever I go - only for it to creep up on me when I least expect it and have it explode when I hear a sweet song about a guy being the luckiest man in the world cause he found someone to spend the rest of his life with....and I think....does he miss me too? Does he break down when hes alone? He has to right....I mean hes human....but then again, he is Tyler....so who knows if he misses me. But I miss him....I miss his touch and his hands and his thick calloused fingers and short little finger nails. I miss his kisses and the warmth of his breath and the feeling of his body snuggled up next to mine. I miss not hearing about his day and the way he so lovingly called me Elsa. I miss feeling so comfortable with him and giggling with him and seeing his smile. I miss all the little things - I miss the life that we had together. And I know that it doesn't get me anywhere to dwell on the past, cause that is over now....but at the same time I think that it is ok to do every once and awhile. Its funny how my brain only remembers the good things and so easily pushes out how much of an asshole he was the last three months of our marriage. Regardless, I miss him - asshole tendencies and all.

I'm going to BELIZE!!!

Last week I applied for a volunteer internship program in Belize and I found out on Friday that I was accepted to the program! I am so excited as volunteering and living in another country is something that I have always wanted to do - however I have always had too many ties and haven't been able to go. But now I am not tied to anything....I'm not in a relationship, I'm not employed, I'm not in school....so I figured now is as good as time as ever for me to get the hell outta dodge and have an adventure.

My program starts May 3 and I will be there until June 1. I wanted to stay longer than a month, however I don't think that I can afford it - but being there for a month should be a good amount of time. I am going by myself and will be living with a host family. I am going through an organization called ProWorld and they seem to be pretty legit. I really like them because their volunteer/intern programs are all set up by people who actually live in the country, instead of it being set up by Americans who go in and are like "you need our help....we are going to help you..." I will work five days a week and then on the weekends will go on amazing excursions throughout Belize. I was reading about one excursion that I will be taking and the description is as follows: "You will go to Actun Tunichil Muknal cave where you will first swim in through the cave entrance where you follow an underground river as it snakes its way through the cave, taking the path traveled hundreds of years ago by Mayan priests. You will then climb your way into a large chamber. As you make your way through to the end of the chamber you will pass Mayan pottery as well as skeletal remains. This adventure is one of the best in Belize and is only recently getting the exposure it deserves." SOUNDS AMAZING RIGHT???

As of right now I am not quite sure what type of volunteer work I will be doing - however I do know that the coordinators down there will set me up according to my experience and skills and how I can best use those to serve others. I'll keep ya'll updated as my plans progress....

Another good thing about this whole Belize deal is that it is a great way for me to explain to others what I am currently doing with my life. Meaning that it is so incredibly awkward for me when I run into acquaintances in Duluth and they ask me one of the following questions:

1. Why are you in Duluth? What are you doing home?
2. Hows married life?
3. How is Tyler? Is he here too???

Lately I have been dreading going out to public gatherings because I hate having to explain the entire divorce situation to people. Depending on who I run in to, I answer with either a short synopsis of the truth or if I am feeling somewhat drained I just tell people that I am back in Duluth for a bit and then am going to do a volunteer internship in Belize. Whenever I mention Belize it generally sparks some good conversation and takes people away from questioning what the heck I am doing back here....I'm not really sure how the best way to deal with all of this is - but I think that I am doing the best that I know how in the moment....I'm trying anyway.

The picture above is of the great blue hole in Belize. It is a limestone sinkhole that is 412 feet deep and is a huge snorkeling/scuba diving attraction - I think that it's pretty amazing - and I am excited to see it in person :-)

Lake Superior

Yesterday I took Gracie down to Lake Superior and we took a huge walk along the shore. While walking next to the water I was reminded of how much I really do love this city and how incredible the lake is. The waves were really coming in and crashing up against the rocks and as I stood there with the mist spraying my face I felt surrounded with this feeling of strength and peace. There is something so powerful about this lake - it has a tremendous amount of energy - it is hard to explain, but it just does....

One thing that I love about Duluth is that anywhere you are in the city you can always see Lake Superior.....it is so beautiful and I realized that I really missed that when I was away in Kirksville. I decided today that if the people from Kirksville could move and live in Duluth - life would be great, because then I would have the best of both worlds! :-)

P.S. Today I officially changed my name back....Elsie Storm is here to stay and good thing too, cause lets be honest....Storm is way cooler than Callahan :-)

Wild Geese

I am back in my hometown of Duluth, MN. We arrived home late last night and we unloaded my truck, ate a late dinner and then essentially passed out from exhaustion. This has been one hell of a week for me. A little note of advice: don't quit your job, get divorced and move all in one week....it is way too much to handle.

Getting divorced on Tuesday was one of the most emotionally and physically draining things I have ever done in my life. I can't say too much about it, except that it was really sad for the both of us. Tears were shed on both fronts and we both sort of feel like we are going through a death. In some sense we are - it is the death of our marriage and of our hopes and dreams with each other - and because of that and of having to say goodbye to one another we are both sad. Yes, thats right...I said both....he finally showed me some emotion....

Last week I hardly slept and was having troubles with bouts of insomnia. I think that there was just too much on my mind for me to be able to sleep. However now that I am at my parent's house I am finally able to allow my body to rest and last night I slept for nine hours and it was the most sleep that I have gotten in quite some time.

Today I was thinking about how much I miss Kirksville and how I wish that I were back there like crazy. I woke up this morning dreaming about one of my friends there and I was struck with the harsh reality that it was only and dream and that I will not be back for quite some time. I think that I had really prepared myself to leave Tyler, but I never really took time to process leaving all of my beloved friends behind. My friends in Kirksville became my family while I was there and I currently feel lost without them. Can I come back please :-)

It snowed five inches in Duluth today - big fluffy snowflakes - and with that I can say goodbye to any hope of spring coming soon! It's strange because I currently don't feel at home here in Duluth. I feel at home in my parents house, but this city is no longer home to me and that is taking some getting adjusted to.

Tonight I went to my first ever poetry reading. Mary Oliver who is a Pulitzer Prize winner came to Duluth and a friend asked me if I wanted to go and listen to her read her poems.... I decided that I wanted to go...and I ended up really enjoying it. Below is my favorite poem that she read - I really like it because it seems to encourage the reader to look inside during times of hardship as well as continue to keep looking forward....

Wild Geese
by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

D-Day

Well, today was the divorce and it was hard. I can't really write too much about it right now because I am still trying to wrap my head around it. But I can say that I feel different....a little empty, pretty sad and definitely not married anymore. I am exhausted on all levels - but I survived and thats a good thing. People have been really good to me today and I am so grateful for that....thank you to everyone who has helped to take care of me throughout all of this, I really appreciate it.

The dreaming tree

There is a song by Dave Matthews Band called "The Dreaming Tree" and in the song he says:

"She gave it all she had
But treasures slowly fade
Now she's falling hard
She feels the fall of dark
How did this fall apart
She drinks to fill it up
A smile of sweetest flowers
Wilted so and soured
Black tears stain the cheeks
That once were so admired
She thinks when she was small
There on her father's knee
How he had promised her
You'll always be my baby
Daddy come quick
The dreaming tree has died "

Lately I have been thinking a lot about how what I had always envisioned for my life with Tyler is no longer going to happen. The way that I interpret "The Dreaming Tree" is that it is about how childhood dreams die in the whole growing up process - ideals crushed, hearts broken, innocence lost....

Since the beginning of January I feel like I have grown up a tremendous amount. As March 25th looms closer and closer this whole divorce feels like more and more of a reality. It is really sinking in like "wow, my marriage is going to be over" and with the finality of that, a lot of dreams that I had will be over for the time being as well. It is so strange to think about not continuing on to rotations and residency with him (not that being a wife of a resident was a huge, grand dream of mine - lets be honest here). But important dreams - like having a family and children - are going to have to be put on hold for the time being and that is a tough one for me to swallow right now. I really, really want to have kids and be a mom and it is sad for me to know that right now thats not what is going to happen in my life. But I think that someday it will and that ray of hope for the future is a good one...because good news, I am only 23 and still have a lot of life ahead of me.

Last weekend I had some friends over for dinner and my friend's dad came along. I had never met his dad before and he asked why I was moving back to MN, to which I replied "I am getting divorced." He looked at me with the sweetest look in his eyes and told me the following story. He said "I was once divorced...I was married to my first wife for three years...and it didn't work out. But I can look back on that experience now and see that it worked out for the best, because I had to go through that to be who I am today. Because of my divorce I was able to grow and meet my current wife and make this beautiful family with her. So Elsie, please know that there is hope for the future and that you will be ok. Keep living your life with your heart open and always follow your heart and your inner knowing for that will never lead you astray." As he told me that I had tears running down my cheeks and was so grateful that he had shared his story with me, as well as his profound comments on love and life. It was exactly what I needed to hear, as earlier in the day I was really struggling with the whole lost dreams/family issue. Ever since that night I have been reminding myself to go forward with my heart open and to trust in myself.

Someone told me the other week "Tyler is living his dream (or so he says) - it is now time for you to live yours." So with that, I am working on compiling my new dreams of being a single woman and all of the adventures that I can and will have....it's kind of exciting to think of all the possibilities. And so when I am sad and lonely and freaked out about the divorce and the move, I have been trying to think about all of the opportunities that will come my way.

I will end with one of my favorite quotes:

"I began to have an idea of my life, not as the slow shaping of achievement to fit my preconceived purposes, but as the gradual discovery and growth of a purpose of which I did not know" - Joanna Field, English Psychologist.

Love is a feeling, marriage is a contract, and relationships are work.

Well, where to start....I guess that I will begin with the fact of the matter, which is I am getting divorced. I have decided to explain the situation in a decent amount of detail, as it isn't just as simple for me to say "I'm getting divorced" and move on from there. Just a note of warning: this blog will probably be pretty honest, somewhat raw and have a decent amount of emotion in it - but this is how I feel right now, and I'm not quite sure how else to write it...so here goes...

Over Christmas, Tyler and I went home to Duluth, MN for break. On December 27 he took me to a Starbucks and told me that he no longer wanted to be married to me, he didn't want to talk to me about it, he didn't really want to give me any reasons and that he wasn't willing to work on it. I was in complete shock, as I thought that our newly married life together was great. We had been dating for four years and were married in June.

After hearing the news, I went into shock both physically, mentally and emotionally and felt as if I was grieving the same type of grief that people go through when they experience a sudden death. I couldn't eat, sleep or function - however I knew that I had to leave MN and come back to Kirksville to work and carry on with my life. I was terrified to come back, however I had found out that Tyler had come back to Kirksville prior to me and moved out of our house and into another medical students apt. and hearing that news made me realize that I needed to get back sooner than later.

I arrived home to Kirksville and was greeted by the Schuermann's who so sweetly took me into their hearts and home and gave me a tremendous amount of care - I don't think that I could have survived any of this without them. I went back to work and told some of my co-workers and some of my close friends about the divorce. I found that by telling people what was going on helped my situation immensely as it helped so much to know that others were caring for me and thinking of me and sending me their love and prayers. It was at this point in my life where I really started to believe in the power of prayer. I think that I had always believed in prayer, however had never fully experienced its power until this point. It is hard to describe, but I could feel others love and energy surrounding me and protecting me - and I had this inner knowing that the reason I was able to survive as well as I was, was because of the prayers and love that people were sending me.

Throughout all of this I was still trying to talk with Tyler and do whatever I could to save our marriage. However, he refused to talk to me about it - and still to this day we have not discussed it in full. Our marriage will be officially dissolved on March 25 and I am pretty scared. However, my hope is that I can look back on this in 5-10 years with clarity and understanding and have a knowing as to why this had to happen. I believe that everything happens for a reason - however knowing that doesn't really make this any easier. I do know that I will be OK and that I will continue to survive. I can already see now that I am indeed surviving and that I am doing so much better now than I was three months ago when I first arrived back to Kirksville after Christmas. I am much stronger and at times level headed and am able to function much better on a daily basis. I still cry daily however it is a different type of cry than it was at first. My crying doesn't have as much pain associated with it anymore, it's hard to explain...but it's just different. Sometimes I cry because my heart is overflowing with all of the love that people show me, sometimes I cry when I hear other's stories of times when they have had hardship and sometimes I just cry because I miss him so damn much.

I am officially leaving town on March 30 and my last day of work is this Friday. I am so sad to leave and to have to say goodbye to everyone - however I know that I must leave in order for me to continue on with my life and to take care of myself. I have stayed so much longer than I ever thought I would and now all of a sudden I only have two weeks left and I am kind of freaked out about it. I never thought that I would end up loving Kirksville as much as I do - yet now as it is being taken away from me - I can't seem to get enough. However, I know that it would be too hard to stay here and to see Tyler on a daily basis and no longer be his wife, as it is hard enough as it is to just see him in the halls now and not interact with him. There are also other dynamics that make it hard for me - such as another girl who is currently occupying his attention - and I can handle a lot...but I can't handle that...yes, it is time for me to leave.

Throughout all of this I have tried to look for the blessings that have come with this whole situation and I have found that there are many. Through sharing my story with people I have been able to experience and receive others love, care and wisdom - and it has made me truly see what good people there are in this world. I have made some amazing new friends through all of this and have become even closer with my current ones. I have started running a lot and have found that I really like it and that it is a great way for me to release emotion. I have a greater understanding of pain and grieving and because of that - empathy and compassion. I have also started to discover myself and am finding out who I truly am. I always wanted to be this strong, independent, free, loving woman, and I can see now that I am becoming her. I also have become much more intune with myself and have learned to listen to the wisdom of my heart as I go about each day.

One of my favorite quotes that I have read recently is "When life gives you lemons, you paint that shit gold" So here I am...working on turning my life gold again...It is going to be quite the process, but I know that eventually it will happen and life will be great again. I will continue to update my blog a lot, especially in the next few weeks, so make sure to continue to keep checking back :-)

Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your support, love and prayers - it means the world to me.