Bravery

Tonight I wanted to see exactly how I was feeling at this point last year, so I opened my old journal and came across this entry I had written about how scared I was to go to court and get divorced and how I was going have to find the courage to be brave -- this is what I wrote:

"Currently I am thinking about how I need to be the bravest that I have ever been in my life on Tuesday. I also need to be brave on Monday night to allow myself to go to sleep and to let Tuesday come, and then I need to let Tuesday happen so that I can go to court and get divorced and allow this whole thing to play itself out. Because once this happens it will be done, and there will be nothing to be afraid of anymore, because what I will have been most afraid of happening will have happened - I will be divorced. I just need to be strong and brave, so that I can get there first."

Reading that tonight just made me cry. I can't believe that was me writing those words....pumping myself up....I don't remember having that strength and wisdom in me and I almost wonder where that part of me went. I mean I am sure that it is still here within me somewhere, but I guess that when one is in life's darkest moments that sometimes the best and strongest parts of one's self come out in order for them to survive. For me it was finding bravery within myself so that I could get through the scariest day of my life. I am so glad that I got through it and that one year later my life is so much better. Thank God for bravery, resilience, guidance and love.

Ahh the single life...

So here I am, reflecting on my life and I open my eyes to find myself totally single again. Heart-somewhat-sore; trying-to-protect-myself; giving-boys-that-flirty-smile; yet-having-no-one-to-daydream-about……single.

The last time that I remember feeling this single was when I was 17 and had never had a boyfriend before. Sure I was single during and following the divorce, but my heart was hurting so badly that those months didn’t really count. Then I went to Belize, feeling completely content being alone and discovering myself slowly again – when all of a sudden I met that sweet Jonny boy and my heart went a flutter and the idea of being single went out the window, because well, I was no longer interested in anyone but him….

But now the sweet daydreams of Jonny are quickly fading as he leaves for Peru and our lives go in separate directions. My heart wants so badly to hold on, but I know that there is no hope right now and that it is time for letting go. Jack Johnson says, “The moment keeps on moving – we were never meant to hold on.” Yet as much as I know that the astute lyrics of Jack are right, I still find myself struggling with missing Jonny and not only Jonny, but Tyler as well….

So where does that leave me? Well, it leaves me with the obvious – which is that I am single, with no one to concentrate on but myself. Which in turn means that all of the love and energy that I have been extending to boys all of these years, I can finally direct inward. I have always known that I should love and care for myself first – but it never proved to be quite that easy. So now with these new turn of events, it leaves me with lots of time to concentrate on that who is Elsie Storm and to discover what dreams I have for my life, where I want to go and what I want to do….

- Master’s Degree?
- Live abroad and learn Spanish?
- Travel and be a bum?
- Live in the mountains?
- Move back to Duluth?
- Stay in Minneapolis?

The possibilities are endless – hmm, perhaps one could even look at this whole being single thing as a blessing instead of a curse? I guess that it’s time for me to face my fears and to explore the world alone as a single woman. Time for me to face myself , be patient and really discover who I am….here we go….This may be quite a process, especially when I tend to find boys oh-so-cute. But I think that I am ready for it this time.

One of my favorite quotes is:
“Love the one you are with, that will always include you.”

I think that is a pretty good starting point….

One year later...

It has been one year to the day since Tyler told me that he wanted a divorce. Generally I try not to let myself think about the pain that occurred during that time; however in the weeks leading up to Christmas and New Years it hasn’t been quite as easy to push it from my mind.

Last night my friends and I went out downtown and we ended up parking in the exact same parking spot that I parked in last year when I went to go and meet Tyler for some coffee at Starbucks. As we pulled into the parking spot, every memory of that day came flooding back to me. I remembered going into the Starbucks and sitting down at a table with him to talk and feeling my stomach clench as I realized that he no longer had his wedding ring on. I remembered him coldly and awkwardly trying to tell me that he didn’t want to be with me anymore and me telling him that he couldn’t do this here and that could he at least talk to me in my car. I remembered going back to the exact same parking spot that I was in and sitting in my car as he told me that he wanted a divorce and that he refused to talk to me about it – and I remembered trying to muster up all of the self control that I had to not throw my scalding hot tea water all over his face and crotch (though as I look back on it now, he totally deserved a good crotch-scalding).

It is a hazy memory, but I remember somehow driving myself home to my parent’s house – only to find no one there – and laying in my bed, thinking that I was going to die, until someone finally came home and found me there and took care of me. And I remember feeling like I didn’t know how I was going to survive the pain and how I didn’t know if I was ever going to make it through alive. Yet I see now that I survived and am not only surviving – but am living life again and am experiencing joy in that life, and to me, this is a huge accomplishment. I have found that I am proud of myself for how much better I am this year than I was last. It’s the little things, like being able to eat and make food for myself, or feeling completely content around the dinner table on Christmas Eve, or looking forward to the week ahead of me and being excited for the future. These are little things that may sound minimal to you – but to me are a big deal, because last year at this time I wasn’t able to do any of that. To me it shows I got through last year when I never thought I would and I am here and I am doing okay.

I remember last year on New Years Day my Papa telling that I was going to get through this and that next New Years I would be in a completely different place in my life. Hearing that gave me hope and now here I am already on the brink of 2009, and I see that he was right - I am in a different place - a better place. It has been the hardest year of my life, but has also been the one where I have grown and matured to understand myself and others more than ever before.

Here is a little of what I have learned and realized:

To start off, I made it through the year. When I didn’t think that I would survive – I did. When I didn’t think that I would be happy again – I found happiness. And when I didn’t think that I would find deep, meaningful love again – I found love and loved freely.

I’ve learned about love, trust, friendships, joy and sharing myself with others. I have a greater understanding for pain and empathy and what it means to sacrifice one’s ego. I’ve learned about God and spirit, prayers and healing. And I’ve learned about how powerful it can be to set an intention and the power of a positive (or negative) thought.

I discovered heartbreak, not once, but twice this year. And am still trying to understand and let go of (yet sometimes keep trying with) the most recent one.

I’ve learned that as much as I hate living alone (although I do have my roommate Tiff) that I can do it and that it is indeed possible, but that doesn’t mean I like it.

I’ve discovered that I can do whatever I want with my life and having that freedom is fun and exciting. And I have found there are really great people in this world and that I never would have made such amazing friendships and relationships during this past year if it weren’t for the divorce.

I’ve learned that people view my new life as exciting and adventurous – yet I still can’t really see it as that. And I have found that sometimes I am an inspiration to others – yet that fact is hard for me to comprehend because at times I feel like I am barely holding on.

I’ve found that hugs, laughter, giggling and smiles are incredibly healing. And I’ve learned that forgiveness is key – yet is not necessarily easy.

And most importantly I have shown myself that I can make it through whatever life changes come my way, because if there is one thing that I know it is that life will always change – yet God will never give me anything that I can’t handle.

To sum it all up, I have learned a lot. I have experienced a lot of pain, but also a lot of joy and many sweet, tender moments. I want to thank you for being a part of my life and for all of your support and love....it has been one hell of a year.

I want to declare 2009 to be a year of blessings, joy, adventures and hope. I want to travel, love, be happy, be independent and share myself with others. I want to choose satisfaction and joy and choose to be happy – starting now.

And with that, so long 2008….

The blessings already are….

So you are interested in my love life huh? :-)

Sometimes I wonder why I share so openly on this blog....I can't figure it out except that I know that it is a place where I can express myself freely and whenever I read other's blogs who share about their innermost thoughts - I always find that I appreciate the fact that they are sharing their hearts, insecurities, hurts etc....so here goes...here are all the details and I am sure that there are more to come...
I know, I know – I was supposed to have updated you all days ago with the answers and juicy details to the mysterious post that I made before. But I haven’t updated you until now because I’m not quite sure where to start with the Belizean love affair that is Jonny Roman and I.

I suppose that I will start from the beginning and explain who this Jonny boy is…..I met Jonny when I was down volunteering in Belize. He was the director of my volunteer program and at first I found him somewhat aloof and distant and to be perfectly honest – I did not like him very much. But as I got to know him better I found myself finding him attractive and wanting to know more about him. As time passed and I learned more about him I found that he is really quite fabulous – he is originally from Connecticut but lived in Peru for a few years prior to moving to Belize and since then has spent the past year and a half there. He loves being of service and being able to do non-profit work. He plays the guitar beautifully, speaks Spanish fluently, and giggles and laughs more than anyone I have ever met before in my entire life. He is smart, sincere and genuinely good – yet sometimes there is this edginess to him that I really like because it makes me feel like he is a “bad boy” (but not really – it’s hard to explain….). He is open and honest and very comfortable with my divorce and just sweetly listens to me whenever I feel like I need to talk about it. And there are so many more fabulous qualities to him – but I don’t want to bore you with all of the things that I find wonderful about him. And anyway, as I got to know him better I found that we are so compatible with each other, except for the fact that he lives in Belize and I live in Minnesota – miles and miles away. But there was enough of a spark in Belize that we continued to communicate and he came and visited me in the States this summer. It was a fabulous visit and we connected so much while he was here that we decided to keep our relationship going and planned for me to visit him over Thanksgiving.

Which catches you up to speed – almost – as a lot changed during my visit to Belize and the week that followed my return. Essentially, being in Belize over Thanksgiving was the best 10 days that I have had in a long time. I had forgotten how much I love it there and was reminded of how living in Minneapolis is not a good fit for me. When I was in Belize I felt relaxed, peaceful, happy, content, joyful, at ease…etc. And it wasn’t just because I was there with Jonny – it was also because I was back in Belize and I LOVE it there.

While I was there I also kind of ended up falling in love with this Jonny boy and we had the most amazing time together. I know that this is a big statement, but I don’t feel like I have ever connected or been as compatible with someone as I am with him. Yet, the problem is – he is moving back to Peru in January and we are trying to figure out what to do with our relationship. Neither of us wants to do the long distance relationship thing for the next two years and so we find ourselves in a hard situation…there is a lot to consider and lot to talk about and currently I find that my heart is hurting and I am feeling frustrated with the complications of this long distance relationship. There is so much more to explain, but I am tired and need to go to bed – however now that I have finally posted I am sure that I will continue to keep writing as I feel like I have a lot to get off my chest. I love you all

Quote of the day....

"Any transition serious enough to alter your definition of self will require not just small adjustments in your way of living and thinking but a full-on metamorphosis" - Martha Beck-

I came across this quote today and loved it. It made me feel normal, as lately I have been thinking about how my life was turned upside down and how I have gone through a lot of changes to get it back on track and how I am feeling so out of balance about things. But then I read this quote and it reminded me that "oh, yeah, it's okay to not feel completely content yet, there have been some major changes here in the past six months, give yourself a break Els!"

I am still in the metamorphosis stage....however, I am working on it and hopefully someday the process will be beautifully complete.

"Metamorphosis, which is usually (but not always) accompanied by a change of habitat or behavior."

The word "metamorphosis" derives from Greek "transformation, transforming."

The Rainforest....

This was as of the beginning of June:

So lately my days have been filled with finishing up my volunteer work and spending lots of time swimming and in the rainforests. I have been swimming in the most amazing places lately. The other weekend we went swimming at these beautiful waterfalls that were surrounded by dense forests and 40 ft cliffs that we could jump off of ....I think that we swam and played there for about three hours straight - and by the time we had to go, I still wasn't ready to leave....I loved it. Last weekend we went to Michael's (the jaguar guy) farm which is way up in the rainforest. It consisted of us driving up the Hummingbird Highway (isn't that the cutest name for a highway ever?) through lush, dense rainforests and arrived at the most beautiful piece of land. We turned down this little driveway that was completely and gorgeously overgrown with some of the most amazing tropical flowers and trees - the driveway led to this area of cleared land, with banana trees everywhere and horses roaming and this amazing little creek that bordered the property. We went swimming in the creek and let me just say that swimming in a river, in the middle of the rainforest (in the rain too!) was absolutely amazing. The little river was great fun and you could jump in off some rocks and then the current would push you down the stream and then you would swim back up and do it all over again. I loved it and think that I swam there for at least an hour and a half...it was fabulous. After swimming we went up to the house and sat on the porch until dark, laying in hammocks, listening to the pitter patter of the rain and to Jonny playing guitar. The view from the porch overlooks Michael's land and the most amazing green, dense mountains with clouds wisping in and around them. Pretty much it was a little slice of heaven...

May 26, 2008

This is an excerpt from something that I wrote on the last page of my journal. I started the journal on January 1 when the whole divorce thing began....and it ended on May 26. I thought that I would share with everyone, how far I have come in the past few months:

I am sitting at Cahal Pech overlooking the valley and listening to the rain on the rooftop. The rain smells delicious and fresh and it is so beautiful watching it come down over the valley. I went and stood in it and it made me feel peaceful and happy. I like it here. What I am here to do is work on my own equilibrium and this still feels, at least for now, like a nourishing climate in which to do that.
Overall I am happy and content and feel like I have come a long way since the beginning of all this. Loneliness still has it's way of creeping up on me, but it's occurrence is fewer and farther between. I am stronger, wiser, more thoughtful, more insightful and am working on loving myself more each day. At times I still feel plagued with the divorce, bit I think that with time it will get easier - it has only been two months.

However right now, in this moment, watching the thunder and lightening over San Ignacio, Belize, I am happy. Life is becoming good again.