Making it through

With the steady beat of a heart

My body grows colder each day,

Without the warmth of your hands

Or the glow of the sun to heat me

This pace isn’t letting up

But yet I’m still standing here…

Wondering how you got so far away

Where I can’t touch you, or feel you.

My grip loosens and bends

Learning how to let go,

But not understanding why I must,

Its too confusing you see…

The memory of a love that once also had so much pain

Flickers to remind me that it is still here.

But with the steady beat of a heart

I know I must brave the valleys and the peaks

To warm my body without you,

I just need to figure out how 

I’m going to make it through this year...

Yet in one way or another, 

Poco a poco, pequeños pasos....

little by little, small steps....

I am finding a way to pick up my heart
and arrive.  

 Mujer corazón viajero 

On being Thankful...

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!  My last post was a sad one, but since then I have been on the upside of this roller-coaster called life and am starting to feel better about things today.  I read somewhere that when people move into an awareness of gratitude that it is hard for them to be in  an upset state at the same time.  I see this to be true most of the time as finding things to be grateful for really does help to switch my energy around to a more positive mindset.

This Thanksgiving (and all Thanksgivings) I can always find 100’s of things to be thankful for, but to keep it short this year I am just going to name 10 in no particular order, nor are they necessarily the most important – but they are what I came up with right now:

1. I’m so thankful for my family.  And not just my immediate family, but my extended family as well.  They have all been so supportive of me throughout the past few months (not to mention my entire life) and I feel incredibly lucky to be part of such an amazing group of people.

2. I’m grateful for my friends – all of them.  Yet I’m also so thankful to the ones who understand this situation, about what is going on, about why Jonny and I are each in so much pain.  And I'm also thankful for those who don't know all of the details about this, but don't really need to, because you still support us and care for us anyway.  I’m also thankful to those friends who read my blog and have empathy, those who talk to me about it sometimes, who write me little love notes and encouraging messages once and awhile, instead of just reading it and not saying anything.  I’m grateful for those friends who check in with me, who check in with Jonny, who continue to show their love.  Thank you for that, it doesn’t go unnoticed and is so incredibly appreciated and helps more than you know.

3. I’m super thankful for laughter.  It’s so fun.  So healing.  So good for my soul.  USM is also all of these things too – I’m thankful for that as well.

4. I’m thankful for my house, for the food that we will eat tomorrow and for the fact that I have limitless options for food to buy and consume.  I missed that a lot in Latin America, as I rarely had access to organic food, fancy cheese, exotic spices, brown sugar, good wine and more.  Now I have too much access to it, as America loves to over-consume, but still I’m glad I have it, because come on – who doesn’t love a good chunk of Camembert on a toasted baguette with a glass of Petite Syrah?  I wasn’t getting that in Mexico, that’s for sure.  So thank you America for all of your fun and fabulous food options.

5. I’m thankful to have a job, and as much as I don’t like it sometimes, I know that I am really lucky to have a job and to have a good one at that – and so I’m thankful.  And as lonely as it is to work from home, I’m also thankful that I get to make my own schedule, have lazy mornings and not have to wear high heels or uncomfy dress clothes ever.

6. I’m thankful to be surrounded by beautiful nature again.  I missed green space a lot while I was in Oaxaca and it feels good to be back in the land of fresh air, water and trees.  With that, I’m so thankful that I can drink water out of the tap again….drinking only bottled water was getting real old…especially to me due to the amount of water that I feel like I need to be consuming all the time.

7. I’m thankful for my health and my family’s health.  For the most part we are all doing good – it’s a real blessing for sure.

8. I’m thankful for all of the experiences that I have had thus far in my life, whether good or bad, they have all brought me to where I am now.  For example, if I hadn’t gotten divorced from Tyler I would have never gone to Belize, and consequently to Peru, Mexico, Guatemala, Cuba, etc. etc….I wouldn’t have learned about pain, empathy and compassion, and I wouldn’t have met Jonny and had all of those amazing experiences with him….which brings me to #9 which is….

9. I’m thankful for Jonny.  He has been one of the greatest teachers in my life thus far and continues to be one.  As hard as this has all been, I’m thankful for it.  I’m thankful for every experience I have had with him, including this one, as I know that this one is helping me to work through some major lessons and ultimately bringing me to a better place.  I would probably be even more thankful for this particular experience if we were to get back together….but you know, whatever, I still have gratitude for it, as well as for him and Jonny being who he is...

10.  I am so grateful for my connection to my spirituality and to God.  It helps me so much to know that all of this is happening for my highest good and that I'm being completely held and taken care of.....no matter what.

If you made it this far thanks for reading through my cheesy post and Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!

Writers Block

I’ve had a bad spell of writers block lately. 

Not knowing how to access my emotions and share them with you here - openly, freely, and creatively….

I’ve been feeling numb.

Numbness blocks my creativity.

It doesn’t allow for the words to flow, and it makes things feel mushy and heavy and hard.

But tonight I’m trying to break through the numbness and instead of just staying in it, taking active steps forward, onwards and OUT.

Steps like writing – even if I don’t feel like it.

These small steps allow me to make progress and help me get better.

"Your only as sick as your secrets" they say, so I figure that I might as well share mine....

My secret is that although I hide it well somedays, I'm still really quite sad. 

You see, I’m starting to enjoy life more.

Or at least I am on the outside. 

For those who don’t know me well enough, you see me as that happy-go-lucky, fun gal to hang out with.  I'm fairly social.  I'm staying busy.

I appear to be better.

For the most part... 

However, those who know me well – you know better than that. 

You know that there is still this heavy sadness that seems to stay with me wherever I go. 

A sadness that I can’t seem to shake, so at times I go numb so that I can at least try to function. 

Try being the key word.

The past few days I have found myself moving slowly and getting stuck in one spot where I will just sit

and sit

and sit

and stare

and think

and sit some more. 

This usually happens at night. 

I’m not sure what I’m waiting for – but I get lost in my thoughts….

Lost in my sadness….

My heart and my bed feel lonely.

And so I will just sit there to avoid the loneliness of having to go to a bed where I no longer am the little spoon. 

Letting the tears trickle slowly….down….my….cheeks….

Yet after a while there is this voice that always shows up inside to urge me along, into bed.

And so I listen to that voice of wisdom and crawl into bed, lonely and hungry, but knowing that I must carry on….

And carry on I have, as I try to face this broken heart.

I’m working on applying loving inside to the places that hurt.

I’ve been able to recognize, acknowledge and express images of my own self-worth.

It’s been hard – but progress has been made.

I’ve been trying to believe in myself, in my friends, in my family, in my God and in the trust that this is all happening perfectly.

As it should.

I’m learning to embrace new parts of me that I never liked before.

Like my big, curly hair. 

Its real big.

And curly.

My friends say its pretty. 

I like to trust that I can believe them.

I’m ready for this numbness to leave.

For my creativity to return.

For my happiness to be stable and no longer fleeting.

For my longing to decrease.

He feels it too.  He feels how hard it is.  He knows my pain.  He loves me still.....

Yet nothing is changing.  Within the status of our relationship at least.  There is lots that is changing everywhere else.

But there is still more inner work that needs to be done.  But won't that always be the case?

It’s been four months.  

That feels like a LONG time, yet I need to remind myself that its really not in the whole scheme of things.

Each day I continue to try to choose a path full of compassion, health and wisdom.

Each day I just try to make the next best good choice. 

But somedays I get off track.

Today was one of those days.

So was yesterday.

Yet I know that this numbness….that this too shall pass. 

Tomorrow is a new day. 

Maybe tomorrow I’ll write a happy blog for Thanksgiving – as I know there is much to be thankful for. 

Ok I can do that.

Yet right now, tomorrow is miles and miles away.

So here you are you are stuck with a sad post from today.

One day at a time – I can do that too.

So can you.

Sitting.  Too late at night. With big, messy, curls.  

A letter to Huxley....

Dear Huxley,

I met you today for the first time and you were only three days old and weighed somewhere around a whopping eight pounds.  You were a little guy and oh so sweet and I am so happy that I get to be a part of your life.   When your parents first asked me to be your Godmother a few months back, I remember being so honored, yet so shocked at the same time.  I couldn’t believe that they saw me as worthy enough to play this role in your life, as I saw myself as really struggling with a lot of heart ache and failures, and really didn’t feel all that worthy at all.  But your Momma and Papa said that they saw me as being someone who in fact didn’t fail, but over came life’s challenges gracefully and strongly and that they hoped that I could share that strength and my global experiences on life, love and spirit with you.  When they told me that, I realized that maybe I was doing a better job than I thought and if your parents (who are some of the most amazing people I know) could see me worthy enough of this task, that then maybe I really was doing ok and ready for this responsibility.

Because here is the thing Hux, we are always our own worst critics.  Yet, the people around us never seem to see us as harshly as we tend to see ourselves.  And so I hope that as part of my role with you, that I will always be able to remind you of how worthy, valued, cherished and incredibly loved you are.

When you entered the world on Sunday, November 11, we rejoiced.  We celebrated, we cried tears of joy, your family held you, and kissed you and wrapped you warmly in their loving.  You have been here only three days and yet are already so incredibly loved by your family and all of their friends.  And so my goal is to always remind you of how special you are and how loved - because there may be a day sometime where life is really hard and you will just need someone to come through with a little extra encouragement.  My role here isn’t to parent you, but to help guide you in a different way, a way that helps you to embrace yourself as a unique, divine and spiritual being on your adventure through life.  And of course, my role is to also spoil you with gifts and fun trinkets from other countries and my own adventures, but mainly it is just to be another person who loves you.

When I was holding you today, I thought of how sweet and innocent you were and how we all just want to protect you so that you never get hurt.  But the reality of life is that we have to go through hurt sometimes, because that is how we grow and expand and evolve.  So someday my sweet Huxley something is going to happen that is going to break your heart, but when it does, know that we are all here holding you and cherishing you just as strongly as we did the day you were born.

We probably won’t give this letter to you until you are old and I am REALLY old.  So until then, enjoy the freedom of boyhood.  Enjoy catching frogs, playing trucks with Aldo, jumping off the dock, riding your bike, getting muddy, making forts, learning how to ski, etc. etc.  And someday when you get old we will talk about all of this deep stuff together….but for now, just stay in your sweet innocence for as long as you can.

Thanks for helping to make me feel worthy again Hux – I hope that I can return the favor many times throughout your life.

Welcome sweet boy, welcome.  We love you, stand by you, support you and bless you.

You have my love,
Godmom Els

The Woman I Love

I have such a crush on Jason Mraz.  He is so dreamy....

I found this song on the interweb today and loved it.  This live version is especially good. 

Someday I want to a man to love me like this.  To just love me simply and strongly for who I am, annoying tendencies and all.  And to keep putting his hand behind me and holding me when I fall.  

I love when he says that "it is important for us to remember to love the other person back into being the person we know them to be".   As sometimes we do have those hard days where it is a struggle to see ourselves as a divine, wonderful being, yet it is in those moments when relationships can be so beautiful, because we have that partner there to look past all of our bullshit and to just love us anyway and to remind us of the many reasons why we are so valued and loved....

So for those of you lucky enough to be in relationships, go out and help remind your significant other of their own greatness today.   And while you're at it, don't forget to remind yourself of your own greatness as well....   

Staying Awake

When I lived in Mexico, I never thought that I would miss it the way that I do, but it ends up that I do miss Oaxaca…..a lot.

I just returned home from an International Education Conference in Kansas. 

Kansas is very far from Mexico.

At those types of things, people love to ask you where you are from.  I had to always answer with “Duluth”.

Though, I seemed to always follow-up with “but I just recently moved back from Oaxaca, Mexico”, because the answer of “Duluth” never seemed to satisfy me.

I realized that having lived in Oaxaca gives me significance.  It makes me feel special, whereas Duluth doesn’t.  And when I get to talk about Mexico, it makes me able to miss it a little bit less, so I tend to like to bring it into conversation whenever possible.

I need to process my experience of living there, but I don’t know how.

The loss of Jonny happened at the same time as our transition back to the States and that loss overtook any chance of a healthy transition back and because of that only now am I beginning to process it.  The thing is, the only person that I want to process it with is him.  No one else understands on the same level.  So I end up missing Oaxaca and him together, which seems to make it worse.

Not only do I miss Oaxaca, but Latin America in general.  My heart aches for it and this reverse culture shock is a slow, confusing process, especially because I feel so isolated in it.

At this conference there were also tons of people there from Colorado.

I made friends with 4 people from Fort Collins.  I wished that I was getting on the plane with them back to Denver. 

I secretly envied them for living there.  I wanted to tell all of them that “I was supposed to be there too!!”  But instead I kept my mouth shut, because no one except for me really cares that I was supposed to live there.  The fact is that I’m not living there.  I need to work on living in the present. 

All of this makes me feel confused and like I am still wandering around lost. 

When will this get easier?

I cry in the mornings still – though not every day anymore.  I suppose that part is getting easier.  Thank God too, as I was starting to go through a lot of Kleenex.

This week I read a quote by Tony Robbins, he said “The only thing keeping us from getting what we want is the story that we are telling ourselves for why we can’t have it.”

I realized that I have a lot of limiting stories that I need to work through.  

The hard part is actually working them and letting them go.

I go back to USM next weekend; I’ll try to work them there.

USM gives me hope for the future.

Hope that life will be beautiful again.

Hope that I will love again.

Hope that someday I won’t hurt so much anymore and will no longer wake up with such a tightness in my stomach.

A French Proverb says “Hope is the dream of a soul awake”.

Here’s to hoping I continue to stay awake……

The Long Time Sun

This past weekend in class, our morning sessions would always start with a five minute meditation. During this meditation we were asked to send loving energy to ourselves and anyone else in our lives who could use some peace and love.  These people could be our family members, our friends, people who were distant to us, our enemies, our lovers, soldiers in war, etc. Anyone who we felt needed some extra love.  We would create a chalice in our heart and envision these people in that loving energy.   Whenever we would do that it would make me cry, and it would remind me of this song called “The Long Time Sun” that we always sing at the end of my new Yoga class.  The song repeats itself three times – the first time the message is for you, the second time it is for the people you hold in your hearts, and the third time is for your world.  Every time that we sing it during yoga, this also makes me cry and I end class with tears streaming down my cheeks.

Today I was given the opportunity and reminder to practice what I had learned for how to hold people in our hearts.  I’m not sure on this, but for reasons I can’t get into here on this blog, I think that today might have started out as a scary day for Jonny.  And this morning I woke up feeling nervous for him and I wanted so badly to text him, to say “I love you and support you” because I knew that it would make him feel better, but I also knew that I couldn’t do that, that I would be supporting him more by actually not doing that.  I’m working really hard lately on not interfering in his process and letting his inner wisdom guide him through.  We are also learning this at school – how to let people come to their own conclusions by just listening to them and not giving advice – because if you provide a person with the loving space to do it, they can solve most of their problems on their own, through their own guiding light.  And it’s true – we can.  We have the inner strength and guidance to do it. Jonny can do it, I know he can.  I can too.  But I have to let him do it on his own.  And so this morning, instead of texting him, I walked to the top of this hill and watched the Long Time Sun rise over the lake and I stood there and just cried.  I cried as I held him in my heart and just hoped that he could feel my loving coming through.  I didn’t know what else to do except to send love and strength to him and to cry for him, for me, for this bruitful life and for this entire process.  And a process it is.  Somedays life feels manageable.  Other days it still feels scary and sad.  Today was one of those days. So with that....may the long time sun shine upon me, upon you, upon all of us.....

May the long time sun shine upon you

All love surrounds you

And may the pure light within you

Guide your way on…..