On being worth it...

When I am at USM for my school weekends, I feel like I am in a bubble.  A shiny-warm-safe-fun-light-filled-love bubble.   My classroom is this special place where I feel completely loved and accepted for who I am and I in return, love and accept everyone else for who they are.  It is this magical little space that seems to rarely happen in other areas of my life....

Just now, I have reentered “real life” and am at the LAX airport.  It is a far cry from the sweet energy that is USM.  I just completed my fifth weekend of class and I’ve got to say – this program just keeps getting better and better.  I’m falling in love with my instructors, with my classmates and most importantly - - with myself.  It all feels so good, but in some way this growth feels scary as well and it’s the falling in love with myself part that really scares me, because I finally found my self-love again and now I’m afraid that it is going to disappear.  You see, in the past, whenever I would get into a relationship with a man, there would be a part of me that would stop loving myself because I would become dependent on my man’s love for that.  It’s a slippery slope – I know.  And one that didn’t work out too well in my and Jonny’s past relationship.  And so as I look at fully reentering a new relationship with him again, it is something that I am cautious about and honestly, something that feels like it is holding me back in a big way from being able to jump right back in again.  I need to figure things out, things such as how to continue to make self-honoring choices, how to continue to be strong in my own self-loving, but let his love fill me as well, and how to open my heart up to him again and let down this protective barrier that I have built up so high around it so that I am able to trust him (and me) again. 

Reentry into this relationship isn’t as easy as it seemed that it might be….for me anyway.  But I think that is ok….or at least I hope it is.  I'm trusting that through love and communication it will get easier... 

One thing that I really realized this weekend is that I need to continue to make self-honoring choices for myself if this relationship is going to succeed....and that I stopped doing many of those self-honoring actions this past month.  Because isn’t it funny how once we become happier, our prayers become less frequent, the time spent on taking care of inner and spiritual self diminishes and our focus changes?  Or maybe that is just me….though I doubt it.  And it's not something that I'm proud of....just aware of....and ready to change.  So my intention with all of this is to take it all slow, take care of myself and honor myself and Jonny throughout this process....because I know that we are each so worth it....

When Jonny came to visit, he made me a CD to listen to and on the CD there was a demo version of "I wont give up" that Jason Mraz had made prior to releasing the song, and I like this version a lot because it is completely acoustic, but it also has different lyrics to it that the radio version doesn’t have.   The lyrics are below….and I love them because they encompass everything that I have been feeling lately….not giving up, healing a broken heart, knowing that I am worth it, knowing that he is worth it (that WE are worth it!), knowing that I am loved…..

I won't give up on us

Even if the skies get dark

I'm healing this broken heart

I know I'm worth it...

I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)

God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)

We got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)

Lady you're worth it (and we're worth it)

No, I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)

God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)

We got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)

Lady you're worth it (and we're worth it)

No, I won't give up..

It is going to be a journey these next few months….but even though parts of it feels scary, it feels so good too….which I think is part of the scariness :-)

Lunch with some of the girls in my class

Take care of yourself this week. 

E

Love Wins....

I know.

I haven’t posted in a loooong time.

It’s because I’ve been busy.

And happier. 

And vacationing in Hawaii. 

And trying to understand new changes in my life. 

And most recently hanging out with Jonny Roman.  Yes, you read that right….this weekend…..this happened…..

Jonny came to Minneapolis. 

To visit me.

Because he loves me. 

A lot. 

A whole hell of a lot.

 I know, I know, your jaws are all dropping, mine is still dropping too….there is a lot of back story to all of this, which I don’t feel like getting into in great detail, but essentially around the New Year, Jonny and I started talking again and he started initiating talks of “Could we do this again? Could this work?”.  We decided that we wanted to see if it could…..but I told him that I couldn’t talk it out over the phone with him and that since he had taken pretty drastic actions to get out of our relationship, he needed to take drastic actions to get back in and that if he wanted to really do this, he would have to come and see me.  I was trying to have some serious self-respect with this (and to stick up for myself) and it worked, because he booked a plane ticket.  Right away.  And get this, the date that he arrived was January 24….. exactly 6 months after the day that we had broken up.   Crazy how life happens sometimes, right?

And so Jonny came this weekend.  And it ended up being so beautiful.  I’ll be honest, it was a little weird at first though….we hadn’t seen each other in 6 full months…and so much had happened throughout those months, including so much pain, that it was a little strange to be together right away, but we eventually got over that and started having really deep, honest, sweet conversations and we did a lot of talking and crying and laughing and playing.  And by the end of the weekend we had decided that this was so good that we had to keep on trying.

Jonny told me multiple times that he is now finally ready for me, for this love, for this relationship.  And not only is he ready, but he wants it so much and he is not giving up.  He surprised me by singing me the song I won't give up by Jason Mraz this weekend and it was so perfect, because during our break-up, whenever I would hear this song on the radio it would make me cry and I would secretly wish that someday we would get back together and he would sing this to me on guitar...And on Sat. morning he finally sang it to me...When he sang it to me the first time this weekend, I just started bawling and cried so hard…..but by the 3^rd rendition (over the weekend I kept asking him to sing it for me...) I had stopped crying and was finally able to just enjoy it.  

But even with his romantic songs and ever-present love for me this weekend, I’m still a little apprehensive and somewhat leery at times, as I really don’t want to get hurt again, nor do I want to give up this new life that I have worked so hard to build. However, I don’t think that I have to give up this life in order to love Jonny, I think that I can live them both simultaneously.  There is a lot to still figure out….but right now, in this moment, I feel happy….and I know that he does too.

We are still going to take it slow and I’m not moving there anytime soon.  I will however be visiting Ft. Collins in the next few weeks to check it out, visit our pup Ollie and see how it feels to be with Jonny in his new home. 

More to come….

xo

E

My Solstice Surprise

Yesterday, on Solstice, on the darkest day of the year, I found myself being blessed with so much light.  Yesterday, my friends rallied for me and came together and surprised me with a “Celebration of Elsie” gathering and it was the sweetest thing ever.  I had no idea that they were doing this and instead just thought that I was going out with my friend Laura for a glass of wine to celebrate the fact that she was going out for the first time without her tiny little baby.  I tried to invite other friends along with us so that Laura could have a fun girls night out, but they all turned me down, or didn’t respond, so I just thought “well that is ok, I just get a little extra quality time with Laura then!”.  Little did I know that my friends were all in on it and would all be waiting there for me upon my arrival. 

I arrived at the restaurant and as I walked in, I saw my sweet girlfriends sitting there and I was so surprised.  They said that they all came together on Solstice, the darkest day of the year, to help bring some extra light and love to my life when I needed it most.  And I did, I needed it so much, especially these past few weeks.  I’ve been really down lately and have been wondering when I’ll ever get through this darkness.  And so when these ladies came together for me and shared their light with me, it made me feel so valued, so worthy, so loved.  They read me cards and notes that they had written for me and reminded me of how loved I am.  They said sweet things like “these words of encouragement that I’m sharing with you, are all words that you’ve shared with me once before, and now I’m just giving them back to you.”  They made me laugh and smile and giggle and I felt so honored that all of these amazing women came together for me.

When I saw my mom this morning and told her about the surprise, I started to cry, and then she started to cry, and then we read over the cards again and both just cried.  As tears were running down her cheeks, she said “I’m so proud of your friends and I’m so grateful for them, you needed this so much, it has been so hard to see you so sad, and I’m so glad they did this for you.” I couldn’t have said it better myself.  You girls rallied for me and shined your brilliant, bright, beautiful light with me, and helped to remind me that there is this light within me that still shines too.  If I were to have received nothing more for Christmas than what you all gave me last night, that would have been more than enough.  I’m so thankful.  I love you. 

Night Skiing

In Minnesota, when daylight savings time hits the days get dark….like really dark.  The sun has been setting here around 4:20 for the past week or so and will continue to do so for at least another few weeks.  The early darkness messes with my mindset and even if it is 4:30 in the afternoon, because of the fact that it is dark out, my thoughts tend to sound something like “well it’s dark, the day is done, I can’t go partake in outdoor activities anymore, because it is dark and bedtime is just around the corner”.  What bullshit, right?!  Just because it is dark doesn’t mean that my day is over….and I learned that today when my friend called me and asked me to go cross country skiing with her….. 

We left around 4:00, just as the sun was beginning to set and when we showed up at the ski trails, they looked something like this.....

Absolutely gorgeous.  The trails were lit and we skied for over an hour – which proved to me that hello, I can still partake in activity, even if it is dark out....

While I was skiing, I flashed back to the time when Tyler first told me that he wanted a divorce and we were back home in MN for Christmas.  I remember that after hearing the news I didn’t do anything besides lay down - on the couch, the living room floor or my bed.  I was in so much shock that I couldn’t do anything besides just lay there.  Finally, my mom decided that I needed to move my body and get fresh air, so she started taking me skiing everyday while I was home.  And it helped, at least a little.  There is something so grounding about being in the woods in the dead of winter.  The cold air is harsh and unforgiving, but the silence and beauty of the snow-laden woods is so peaceful that it just seems to wrap me up in a way that makes me strongly feel like I will be ok.   And so tonight as I was skiing quietly through the woods, I was reminded of similar ski outings like this only five years ago when I was also heartbroken and sad, and I realized that even though back then when I never thought that I would heal from the devastation of my divorce, that healing did eventually take place.  And as soon as I recognized that, then the saying “This too shall pass” came into me and struck a deep chord.  I realized that at some point this grieving over Jonny will also pass.  I don’t know how, and I don’t know when, especially because this feels so much sadder than the Tyler situation ever did, but when that message came to me tonight, it just resonated so strongly within me that this situation, yes, this too shall pass. 

I needed that reminder tonight.  That reminder that eventually I will be ok – because what choice do I have but to go on?  I don’t know how this will all resolve, I don’t know why we have to go through this now….I just do know that someday, eventually, I will be ok again – however that looks and whatever that means.  And right now to be totally honest, I don't feel like I am ok all of the time, I’m sad, and I really still miss him a lot, and his silence kills me and frustrates me (we are trying this whole "lets not communicate thing" to see if that helps, but I don't think it does, because while it does hurt at times when we do communicate, it hurts me a hell of a lot more when I don't hear from him), but I'm trying to tell myself that it’s ok, because there is a learning lesson tied into this all.  If nothing else I am learning to love myself again and am gaining so much compassion and empathy for those who are also dealing with heartache and depression.  In case I didn’t understand depression before, I get it now, loud and clear.  In Spiritual Psychology we are learning that “Physical-world reality exists for the purpose of Spiritual Evolution; thus all of life is for learning and growing spiritually.”  At times this growth can be terrifying, as I don’t know what is going to happen or where it is going to lead, but I do know that it is teaching me how to surrender, how to look to a higher power and how to call in that love and the light.  I’m definitely growing spiritually, but sometimes (ok all the time) I just wish it didn’t have to be such a freaking process.    But if it weren’t such a hard process then I have a feeling that wherever I am going wouldn’t be as gratifying once I got there.  I guess they never did say that spiritual growth would be easy….just that I would be given lots of opportunities for learning and healing in order to get there….  Spiritual Psychology also says that “Unresolved issues are blessings as they are opportunities for healing”.  So apparently according to that, I’m being graced with blessings and lots of them.  Maybe I should be more grateful?  I guess so, I’ll work on it…and maybe I should also work on embracing " the fool in me" more....  My favorite blog Momastery just posted this and I loved it....

“I must learn to love the fool in me–the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of my human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my Fool.”
Theodore Isaac Rubin (born 1923);
psychiatrist, author

Doing hard things

As I write this, I am currently stranded in Minneapolis due to the blizzard that began last night and continued through the morning, afternoon, and evening encompassing us all in a silent, white, impassable beauty. 

I came down here to attend a surprise baby shower for my friend Becky and saw her and some other friends while I was here.  It was good for me to see them, as these are people that really know me, and I felt like I was able to let down my guard a little bit when I was around them this weekend.  I’ve been working on being more vulnerable with my friends again and allowing myself to just open up and cry when I need to, which has felt hard, but good at the same time.  I think for a while there I didn’t want to talk about my pain for fear of crying, but what I’ve realized is that it is important for me to be able to talk about it and it is important for them to hear it and to see those tears.  It is important that I allow myself to just feel right now, because so much of this feels scary - which makes me want to hide it.  But when I allow myself to be vulnerable with myself and with my friends, it then becomes a little less scary because their love, strength and words of wisdom help to support me, and makes me feel a little less alone in all of this.  It seems as if I am being worked so hard right now with this process, that I feel like eventually I have to arrive at some type of tipping point where I will be able to break through to some resolution of peace inside of me.  Or at least that is what I hope.  But I really do hope that I am coming to a place where I can begin to relax and naturally breathe deeply, without having to remind myself to take a conscious breath, because I will have finally reached a point where I won’t be holding my breath so often in fear of what is coming next. 

But I haven’t found that peace yet, as the Christmas season is bringing with it not only a little extra stress but some anxiety as well.  Thoughts ruminate through my head such as where are Jonny and Ollie going to be?  What are they doing?  What will this Christmas look like?  I would love to know.  But when I really slow down to think about what my Christmas will look like, I know that it will be beautiful - I’m sure of that.  Though, intermixed within that joy and love of this holiday, there will be a bit of sadness there as well and I know that I need to make that ok.  And it will be ok.  I will have my family around me, and they llooovveee me, and they know that this is hard for me, but they also know that I can do hard things, as I have done much harder things than this in the past.  Reminder to self: I can do hard things. Christmas might be hard, but I can do it, I've done it before.  And they know, and I know, that it will be a good lesson in teaching me how to dig deep, into the pathways of my heart, to find the courage and the compassion to stay present and celebrate joyfully, and to find some mother freaking Christmas cheer, regardless of the situation at hand.  And so while there is sadness, there is also a lot of space for joy, love and gratitude, even if I have to remind myself to get in touch with it and breathe it in - I know that it is always present, and that goodness will only grow stronger if I let it…..and so I might as well do what it takes to let it…or attempt to anyway….

And so I think that the point of this is the reminder that we can all do hard things.  Even when that little voice inside of us doesn't want to. We can do these hard things, and we will, for it doesn't serve us to play small.  And so honestly, one of my hard things that I am currently looking at today, includes just getting through the Christmas season.  Some things that will help with that are: trusting in the process, taking deep breaths, hugs, friends, family time, cookies, spiced eggnog, and going to Zumba to let loose and burn off said cookies and nog….

Becky's Blizzard Baby shower....

A moment of sincere happiness with friends. 

Embracing the darkness

“One of the wonderful things about having adversity and difficulties and challenges is they will often show you a deeper love, a deeper strength -- something valuable that you didn't know existed, until whatever it took to overcome the challenges shows you what you didn't know about yourself, and what you were seeking.

That's a blessing.”

- John Morton

When I went to school in the beginning of November, I left the weekend feeling like I was flying high.  Life felt good, I went and played with my friend Greta in Oregon, we hand tons of fun, and then I went to a work conference in WA, entered real life and I crashed.  Hard.  I think that it is safe to say that I became officially depressed in November (not like I wasn’t depressed from July-now, but it seemed to get worse this past month).  For some reason in November, I felt like I should have been over all of this already, that I should be happy and embracing life and be over Jonny – I thought to myself, it has been 4 months already, I shouldn’t be so freaking sad – why can’t I just be FINE already?  But I couldn’t just be fine, and I can understand a little bit more now as to why I still can’t be just fine quite yet….

This time when I went to school, I didn’t leave the weekend feeling like I was flying high, which I think is a good sign.  I instead left the weekend feeling balanced, centered and very aware of the sadness, but with a better awareness and acceptance of how I can look at it and manage it.  I learned a lot this weekend and was reminded of some really important concepts – concepts such as It is OK to still be really sad….it has ONLY been 4 MONTHS….I was ridiculously in love with this guy for 4 YEARS, so just give it some more time.   I was reminded of this over and over again and by the end of the weekend, I think that it finally got through to me to have a little more compassion for myself and where I am at with all of this, because where I am right now with all of this is actually just fine.  I’m doing the best that I can and it is important that I remember to remind myself of the good things that I am doing such as exercising, showering, eating, meditating, working, having friends and brushing my hair and teeth before I go out with them, etc.  The hair brushing and showering doesn’t happen all the time, but the good news is that it is freakin’ cold in MN so hats are real stylish right about now….which is definitely in my favor…and all of this means that I am making progress and so I need to recognize and congratulate myself for that….which is something that I haven’t been doing enough of….

I learned this weekend that an interesting thing about grief is that one must cry all of their tears before they will ever be done grieving, and that this needs to be made ok, whatever the process for this is.  They said that if we don’t allow ourselves to cry all of our tears now, that we will have to cry them later – and sometimes that later can be 20 years down the road for people because they hold their grief with them for that long, until they finally can’t hold it anymore and they have to release it.  We were told that it is always best to express our sad emotions that are present, rather than trying to bottle them up, because we want to be able to resolve the issue now, that way it doesn’t have to come back to us again in the future.

What a relief to find that out.  Whew.  I was starting to get worried about all of this crying that I was still doing, but now I know…I still have more tears left to cry, and not only is that ok, but it is healthy because I am doing it now instead of later.  Thank goodness too, because I know with December hitting and Christmas coming, that the tears probably won’t be stopping anytime soon…but now that I know this, I feel better about it and a little less judgmental about the whole “oh great, I’m breaking down and crying in the middle of the day again” thing…. because now I know that with every cry it just means that it is slowly helping me to release the pain. 

I also learned that we finally stop crying when we come to a place of peace where we are able to resolve the issue within.  And we can get to this place through compassionate self-forgiveness and by giving love to the places inside that hurt, for healing is applying loving inside to the places that hurt.

Earlier this month I felt like I had stopped applying the loving to the places that hurt and instead I was just kind of going numb.  And I was, because for a while there I just hurt so much that I didn’t know what to do, so I spent a lot of time staring at the walls, just trying to go numb, because I thought maybe that would help.  I was so wrong.  Note to self: numbly staring at the walls, never helps. This weekend I reinforced that note, as I learned that it is important not to get into the pattern of numbing ourselves, because when we do that we don’t allow ourselves to feel the pain – yet it is so important that we must feel the pain, and to do so it takes a lot of courage and risk to look at it.  But if we don’t take the risk to look at it now, we will always have to look at it later.  So I decided that I can’t allow myself to go numb anymore and that I need the courage and the honesty to look at what is true.  Because we can’t be numb and be true at the same time, for numbness is just masking what is true.  And perfect vulnerability is perfect perfection, so I need to allow myself to go to that deep place inside that is really scared and bring compassion and vulnerability to it.  Even when the truth hurts, it is hurting in a way that is also showing me how to grow, how to dig deep, and how to take deep breaths so that I can remember that I am alive and can continue to keep carrying on.

And so, as the days only continue to get shorter and darker from here until Solstice on December 21st (the MN sun set at 4:21 today – it is dark), I know now that I just have to keep going through the darkness and embracing it with love, because I also know that I have a great light to bear, and that light will ultimately lead me through this all.  And I know that I can’t give up yet, because somewhere amongst all this hardship, I am coming upon a great lesson – a lesson of learning how to love myself through it all.  There are no mistakes, just lessons to be learned.  Hard, effing lessons – but lessons and blessings indeed.

Barusch Bashan – The Blessings Already Are. 

Making it through

With the steady beat of a heart

My body grows colder each day,

Without the warmth of your hands

Or the glow of the sun to heat me

This pace isn’t letting up

But yet I’m still standing here…

Wondering how you got so far away

Where I can’t touch you, or feel you.

My grip loosens and bends

Learning how to let go,

But not understanding why I must,

Its too confusing you see…

The memory of a love that once also had so much pain

Flickers to remind me that it is still here.

But with the steady beat of a heart

I know I must brave the valleys and the peaks

To warm my body without you,

I just need to figure out how 

I’m going to make it through this year...

Yet in one way or another, 

Poco a poco, pequeños pasos....

little by little, small steps....

I am finding a way to pick up my heart
and arrive.  

 Mujer corazón viajero