On September 27, Jonny and I were hiking with friends in
Aspen when we received the news that one of our best friends in Belize had died
suddenly of a heart attack. We
were shocked and completely stunned by the news and as tears streamed down our faces we asked things like “how
could Michael die….wait, what, I don’t believe this?” because in that moment of
shock we found that it was so hard to make sense of what had happened, let alone
try to rationalize anything.
Our friends who were with us on the hike appeared to be
shocked by the news as well, and while they didn’t know Michael, they could
tell that he was immensely important to us, however they didn’t know what to do
and how to support us in that moment.
In fact, they didn’t say anything.
They didn’t hug us, or try to comfort us, or talk to us; they just stood
there, as we stood alone feeling confused and grief stricken over the whole
thing. Their lack of immediate
outward compassion left us feeling even more cold and lonely and I realized
later that even though these friends are very close to me, are incredibly
evolved spiritual beings and have all lost someone that they love – that they
didn’t know what to do in that moment or how to support us. And unfortunately because they were
feeling uncomfortable over the lack of not knowing what to do, it made our grief
feel even more isolating in that moment.
I hold no hard feelings
towards them, for I know that they were just trying to do their best, however
this experience made me realize that so many people have no idea how to support
a friend who is grieving – which is why I decided to write this blog post.
During the next two days, I reached out to friends and
family for support and from some I received the most amazing heartfelt responses and
calls, others didn’t respond at all, and others responded with “oh
yeah, I saw that on Facebook, sorry to hear about that” which felt so insincere
and almost worse than them not saying anything at all.
Because here is the thing about people who are grieving –
their hearts hurt and feel so raw and vulnerable and alone and so anything that
someone else can do to bring authentic love and compassion to them helps them
so much to feel like they don’t have to be alone in this.
Our Michael died on Saturday afternoon and by Monday we had
made a last minute decision to go to Belize for the memorial - and we are so
glad that we did. While we there
we were able to celebrate his life with our other Belizean friends and support
his sweet family who was missing him so much. It allowed us to cry together with people who loved him and
it brought closure and healing to us, which was so helpful.
While traveling to and from Belize, I also had a lot of time
to think and reflect. I realized
that death makes people really uncomfortable and that so many people don’t know
what to do when it happens and because of that I wanted to share my experience
of it and offer ways that people can help support a grieving friend or family
member.
Below I am including 25 AMAZING ways to help a grieving
family that was written by Anna Whiston-Donaldson. Anna is a grieving Momma who lost her sweet son much too
early. I really recommend that you
read this and then bookmark it so that you can access it again later when you
need to. However, if you don’t
have time to read it all now, then here are 5 of my own tips on ways that you
can help a friend or family member who is grieving.
1. This isn’t about you. If you are feeling
uncomfortable or uncertain on what to do - get over it – this isn’t about you
or whether you are comfortable or not – it is about supporting your friend
whose heart is breaking and showing up in your loving to the best of your
ability.
2. Acknowledge the loss. If you hear
that someone has died, reach out to the grieving friends and family immediately
to express your condolences.
Even if you don't know the person who died, you can say something like
“my heart goes out to you, I can tell from the pictures of (name) that he was a
really special person and shined an amazing light in this world, I can only
imagine how much he is missed.” Something as small as this can mean so much to
a grieving family member.
3. Don’t be afraid to
mention their name and tell stories about your time together. Talking about the person who has
passed can be healing not only for you but for other family and friends as well. While talking about this person can
oftentimes bring tears, its ok, tears don’t need to be feared, tears are an
expression of love and sadness and are ultimately incredibly healing.
4. Show up. If you can attend the funeral –
GO. Feeling uncomfortable about
going? Once again – this isn’t
about you – this is about supporting the family and bringing love and support
to them. Also, stop by, check in,
give hugs (lots of hugs), ask them to go on walks, keep remembering them…..especially
in the days and weeks after the funeral when life has gone back to normal for
everyone except for them.
5. Practice heart
centered listening. The
ability to listen to a grieving friend talk about their loss can mean more than
you know. You don’t need to have
all the answers, but you can simply listen and say, “I really hear you” and
offer your loving to them.
Sometimes they won’t want to talk and will just want to sit in silence
and that is ok too, so offering to just sit in silence with them can be a
beautiful way to support them as well.
These are just some of my tips….and by no means am I the
expert. I would love to hear from
you - what has been helpful to you as you have gone through times of
grief? Post your suggestions and
tips in the comments below, or on the comments on Facebook.
And now for the truly amazing tips for how to “Love On” a
family who is grieving…read these….and check out Anna’s website…through her
pain and vulnerability, this woman has taught me so much….I hope that she helps
to give you insight into how you can support those who are grieving as
well. Read on….
1. PRAY. PRAY. PRAY.
2. Attend the Funeral. To attend funerals people must
travel, skip work or school, arrange childcare, and figure out parking and
directions. Funerals are inconvenient. The bereaved family knows this and will
be blessed and lifted when people extend themselves to be there. Do not worry
if you were not close to the deceased, or have been out of touch with the
family for many years. Attend anyway. A funeral is a communal event; you will
not be intruding. You never know if your presence, or even a glimpse of you or
a hug from you will be THE ONE that provides the most comfort.
3. Cook. Have a point person arrange meal sign-up via a
website such as Take Them A Meal. or Sign Up Genius Consider making a meal and
freezing it in your own freezer for when the other meals stop coming. A small
family will appreciate smaller meals so they don't feel they are wasting food.
We were so grateful to have meals provided for us for almost 4 months!
4. Send a card or a handwritten note. If possible, include a
personal story about the the person who died. Even the smallest anecdote is
welcome. These are treasured by the family and read over and over. One friend
reminded me in a card that one of Jack's first words was "Azalea."
How cool is that?
If you are not able to share a personal story, don't worry.
A simple, "I am so very sorry for your loss" or "My heart is
breaking for you" will help. When you write your letter, consider going
ahead and addressing another envelope to send 3, 6, or 9 months out. The envelope
will help you remember to pray for the family, and your next letter will come
when most people have stopped sending cards.
5. Send flowers to the home or church; however, you may want
to consider sending flowers to the home a month or two after the death so that
they will not overwhelm the family. Seeing the house full of flowers, that
would eventually die, was hard for me.
6. Come by to show your support. When Jack was missing,
close friends and family just showed up. They stayed with us until we found out
the horrible news of his death. Several sat in the dark at my kitchen table
until after midnight to be there when my sister arrived. They all had other
things they could have been doing that rainy night, but they showed up.
In the days following a death, a family should have a point
person who feels comfortable telling people whether or not it's a good time to
visit, because immediate family members may be too shocked and confused to be
able to communicate this. When you drop by, be prepared for a quick hug and
then to be on your way, but be flexible. If the bereaved family asks you to
stay, be open to that, too. Men, don't be shy about coming by. Tim appreciated
men dropping by just for him.
7. If you are a close family friend, consider taking any
children out for an activity to give them a break from the home atmosphere.
Kids need chances to feel "normal" in the midst of grief.
8. Give the family pet some attention. Our neighbor walked
Shadow several times a day and even kept her overnight during those first crazy
days.
9. Consider the physical needs of the home. Working in the
yard could make a family feel too exposed or vulnerable so soon after a death.
One friend mowed our grass for us. He didn't know that Jack was the grass mower
in our house and that it would be so painful for us to do it ourselves, but he
just thought it would be helpful and showed up. Another family raked our
leaves. One friend, after asking if it was okay, came by and planted 100 tulip
bulbs in our yard while I was at work! Mulching, powerwashing, or cleaning
someone's gutters could be other outside jobs a grieving family might not feel
able to tackle. You can include your kids in some of these tasks. I remember
Tim taking Jack to spread mulch at a newly widowed friend's house and it was a
meaningful experience for them both.
10. Drop a gift in the mail. We received grief books,
devotionals, inspirational Cd's, fruit, sweets and more in the mail. Every day
of the week I now wear special, meaningful jewelry that represents Jack and was
sent to me by people all over the world. These touching gifts took time and
effort and are so special to us. Margaret has received small gifts and even a
care package from France! Consider mailing a gift card to a restaurant or the
movies for a family to use later when they feel up to it. Sometimes a gift card
provides the motivation to get out of the house.
11. Make a contribution to charity in the name of the
deceased. Consider writing it on your calendar now to do annually so the family
will know you have not forgotten. These donations help a family see that
something positive can come out of their loss. If you feel led, spearhead a
scholarship or a charitable event in the person's name.
12. Mention the deceased person's name when you see the
family. It's hard. Do it anyway. The family will cry. Do it anyway.
13. Invite a family member out for coffee, a meal, a walk,
or a sporting event. One on one time with a friend, sharing the story and
processing it, is a valuable form of therapy. Don't worry if they say no;
sometimes they are not ready, or they may need to spend time with someone else
right now. Ask anyway.
14. Use texting, email, blogging or Facebook to reach out to
the family. You can do this anytime of day or night. I have one friend, whom I
did not know very well before the accident, who is committed to praying for us
and sending us messages when her baby gets her up at night, which is often.
Don't worry about saying the same thing again and again. Your friends are not
looking for words of wisdom, just the reminder that you are there.
15. Do not feel offended if your phone calls go unreturned.
Just leave a loving message. I have found returning phone calls, or even
picking up the phone, to be daunting and difficult, but I still appreciate
hearing messages.
16. Send photos or videos of the deceased. Even if you think
family members might already have photos from an event, send whatever you have.
A new facial expression or a different angle provides them with another glimpse
of the one who is gone. The photos on today's post were sent to me by a reader
I've never met who realized Jack was in the background of some of her photos
from the LEGO store in 2010!
17. Use your special talents to show your love. A poem. A
knitted prayer shawl or blanket. A painting. Handcrafted jewelry. We have been
stunned by the way people have shared their talents by making us gifts from the
heart.
18. Get creative! You have heard how our community tied
royal blue bows around trees and mailboxes so that we would feel loved when we
drove around town. Then our blogging friends tied ribbons at their homes around
the world, and even put them on their Christmas trees. Now, we have made blue
ribbon magnets with Jack's Bible verse on them for our cars. Who knew how the
simple act of tying a ribbon could bring us so much comfort?
Maybe there is a special color associated with the deceased,
or a symbol (dove, butterfly, rainbow) that reminds you of him or her. For
Jack, friends and neighbors made LEGO crosses to wear at the funeral. These
incorporated 2 of Jack's greatest loves! Maybe YOUR idea or kind gesture will
be the one that will most resonate with the family, whether it is tying bows,
lining their driveway with luminaria, setting up a Facebook memory page, having
a card signed by a Sunday School class, or organizing a tribute such as a
balloon release. If you are feeling led to commemorate the deceased in such a
way, it could be a big blessing to the family.
19. Even if you didn't know the deceased, consider sharing
what the deceased means to you NOW. Eternal life is, well, ETERNAL. Jack's life
is affecting people in ways we could never imagined, and we are blessed that so
many people are making the effort to let us know, through emails, blog
comments, letters, or person. This helps ease the sting. Have you had a dream
about the person who passed away? Tell the family.
20. You may want to drop by during the day, or at work.
While this not be appropriate for some people, because of their job settings,
it has been nice to me to be surprised by friends bearing smoothies, hugs, or a
cup of tea at my tear-friendly workplace.
21. REMEMBER. Take note of the season, the day of the month,
the day of the week, even the time of day that the deceased person left us.
Reach out at these times as you feel led-- through a quick email, text, or
note.
22. Write the person's birthday and death day on your
calendar. Send a note or an email on those days.
23. Memorialize the loved one by planting a tree, erecting a
cross, making a stepping stone, donating a book to an elementary school,
starting a scholarship, or installing a bench.
24. Visit the cemetery. I have only been to Jack's cemetery
2 times, but I know others have gone FOR me. Maybe a face to face at visit at
the family's home isn't your thing, but saying a prayer in the quiet of a
cemetery is.
25. Follow promptings. If you feel a prompting to reach out,
it could very well mean that the family needs your support. Do not get bogged
down thinking about how close you were or weren't before the death. A reality
of death is that relationships change during difficult times. The grieving person
may not have the support you think they do. YOU may be the one who can best
relate, or listen, or connect with a hurting person. It may feel awkward at
first, but it's worth it. I think of how blog readers have felt prompted to
write to me, share their own experiences, and offer prayer. If they had gotten
bogged down about our not knowing each other "in real life," they
would never have reached out.
Okay, so this is a VERY long list, and if it weren't after
midnight, it would probably grow longer. I hope it doesn't sound entitled, or
like I think other people should take care of every aspect of our family's
life, just because we lost Jack. These are just some of the incredible ways
people have reached out to us, and I hope by sharing them others can be helped
similarly.
Of course, NO ONE can do all of these things. But someone
did do EACH of these things. And more.
Love is a verb.
