How do you live your dash?

I just returned home from attending the funeral of my friend’s father.  He died tragically in a plane accident last week and our community is devastated for the family's loss.

I don’t have much to say, except that I am sitting here feeling so humbled right now.  Today my sweet friend faced my (and I’m sure her) biggest fear – attending the funeral of one of your beloved family members.  She was so brave, and poignant, and beautiful.  And I didn’t know what to do, except to show up and love her, hug her, and hold her hand, because what else can we do in situations like these except to just be there and love?

And so yes, I feel humbled, because while I am indeed going through my own personal loss, her loss is so much greater.  And it made me reflect and really tune into all of the many, wonderful reasons that I have to be grateful for in my life.  Ever since I heard of her father’s passing, I feel like I have been walking around with fresh eyes, just feeling grateful for everything that is present for me – because there is so much to be grateful for.

All of it is so humbling - losing my partner, moving back in with my parents, not liking my job, readjusting to a new social scene, living in Minnesota….. I didn’t ask for any of it, yet it showed up in my life for some reason, so I’ve decided to try to come to peace with it, because when it comes down to it, much of what I get upset about on a day-to-day basis is relatively trivial, and there is still a lot in my life to be grateful for and that gratefulness seems like a better focus for now...

The poem below was on the back of the handout today at the funeral and it made me really think about my life and others lives and how we are “living our dash” in this bruitful world.

“I read of a man who stood to speak

at the funeral of a friend.

He referred to the dates on her tombstone

from the beginning...to the end.

He noted that first came the date of her birth

and spoke of the following date with tears,

but he said what mattered most of all

was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time

that she spent alive on earth...

and now only those who loved her

know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own;

the cars....the house...the cash.

What matters is how we live and love

and how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard...

are there things you'd like to change?

For you never know how much time is left.

(You could be at "dash midrange.")

If we could just slow down enough

to consider what's true and real,

and always try to understand

the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,

and show appreciation more

and love the people in our lives

like we've never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,

and more often wear a smile...

remembering that this special dash

might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy's being read

with your life's actions to rehash...

would you be proud of the things they

say about how you spend your dash?”  ~Linda Ellis

For me, right now, I am living my dash by continuing to go forward trying to find the blessings in everything that life brings.  To find reasons to be grateful for each day.  To keep holding in the loving for my friends, my family and for Jonny and myself.  To be gentle with myself and the process of healing and to continue to extend my unconditional loving to Jonny from afar.  To continue to hold hope in the belief of miracles and love.  To appreciate mother nature and this adventure called life. To share laughter when it is present, spend quality time with the people I love, and to trust that all of this is playing out perfectly as it should. To embrace my imperfections, because Lord knows I have many....And finally, to live my dash in loving service, because I truly believe that the more loving that we extend into this world, the more that comes back to us in return....

I’m holding in my loving today for me, for all of you and especially for Katie.

How are you living yours?

My past two months in lines...

It has been two months since Jonny and I broke up – here is a little of what I’ve been up to and how I’ve been doing since then:

I moved back into my parent’s house, and this time not for a few weeks, but for several months at least.

I love them and appreciate their home – but at age 28, at times it feels a bit overwhelming.  It definitely hit me that I'm not going to Colorado, or back to Oaxaca for that matter.  I miss Oaxaca.

I still haven’t fully unpacked from Mexico and that disorganization screams at me from every nook and cranny.

I’ve cried everyday since July 24th.

Some days the tears run gently down my cheeks, other days they escape out like a waterfall as my stomach heaves in and out grasping for air, and sometimes they fall somewhere in the middle – a brief cry that lasts a few moments and then ends as quickly as it came.

I have discovered that my tears bring forth a sense of vulnerability and so I no longer try to hide them, it doesn’t matter when or where, I just let them come.

These tears bring forth a vulnerability in others as well, as I think they make people’s hearts soften just a little.

I've started reading countless "self-help" books.

I haven't finished one of them.  Maybe thats part of my problem.... But I mean, come on, does anyone ever really finish reading those things?

I’ve dreamt of Jonny almost every single night.  Sometimes Tyler sneaks into those dreams too – that’s when things get really crazy.  It appears that the grief from both of these situations is overlapping.

I spent a week in Philadelphia for work and was miserable the entire time.

It was there where I felt incredibly lonely and when I realized how grateful I am to be going through this loss close to home where I can lean on my family and friends.

I went to San Francisco twice for work.

The first time was so hard.  The second time was still hard, but was not quite as bad - because I made a new friend out of one of my colleagues.

My colleague and I laughed a lot.  I forgot how good it feels to laugh and laugh and laugh.  It was so healing, and by the end of the trip, after multiple days of giggles and jokes, I felt a little lighter.

A month ago I started running again.

I bought new running shoes because my old ones had holes in them.  It was a good purchase.  New things in my life are welcomed.

I’ve been to the chiropractor many times.

The acupuncturist too.

And massage therapy.

And Yoga.

Anything to help heal my body and emotions naturally.

I refuse to go to my M.D. – as I know she will only give me drugs.  I will not take drugs right now.

I will heal naturally.

I swam as much as I could before it got too cold.  Water is healing.

So are friends, family and hugs.

I’ve received so many sweet cards and prayers from friends and family.  They made me feel loved and special – thank you.  Prayers and love are still welcomed.

I've seen two different therapists and I’m not too fond of either of them.

Today I told my therapist that I already know everything that she is telling me, so what’s the point of me being there?

Hmm....maybe you should watch your ego Storm….

But then I had a breakthrough.

I realized that I no longer have to be a victim in this – that I can indeed regain some of my power.

I gave Jonny back some of his power today – and I took some of mine back as well.

It was effing hard – but I did it.

Maybe therapy is better for me than I realize…

Maybe J will return to me someday and love himself and me fully.  That is still my hope.  And it hasn’t ceased in the past two months.

But if he doesn’t, I know that life will continue on…..but that my story of being a victim doesn’t need to.

I need to change my story.  I have a plan to create a new one that is empowering.

The tears continue to trickle.

The sleep doesn’t come.

Hopefully it will soon.

My life has been flipped.

Expectations have been challenged.

But I know that love will be found.

No matter what…..

Practicing random acts of kindness....

Today has been a hard day.  One of those “one step forward, and three steps back” types of days.  One of those days where prior to this morning I actually felt that I might be getting a little bit better, but then I had this crazy dream and I woke up, and I was slammed backwards and spiraled downwards again.  And I know that this blog has been real heavy as of late – but I can’t seem to lighten up – just not yet, so bear with me. 

This morning, I spoke with Jonny for over two hours and it was both glorious and heartbreaking all at the same time.  This isn’t the first time that we have spoken since our break up – not at all – we have had this strange type of communication where we talk or email occasionally, and it works for us….most of the time.  We love each other and miss each other and are craving to have the understanding that only the other one can provide.  And so we have been in contact here and there, because for the most part it feels good, and trying to cut each other out of our lives cold turkey, just wasn’t working.  But for me, our communication is almost like a drug, it is something that I crave and then when I have it, I feel oh so high, but then at times I come crashing down afterwards – which is what happened today.  And its not like these phone calls are happening all the time - because they’re not – this is the first time that we have spoken in two weeks.  And most of the time I’m fine afterwards, but today I wasn’t, because today our conversation felt somewhat normal almost, because it didn't totally revolve around our breakup.  We talked about school, work, roommates, exercising, reverse culture shock, therapy, etc. etc. we had a relatively normal conversation that was similar to what we would have held in the past and it felt good.  He understood everything, and I understood him, and I realized how much I miss that and how no one in my life here quite gets it the way that he does, and that makes it feel hard. And it is even harder that we can’t be together right now – because as much as he misses me, he knows that he needs to keep listening to that voice inside of him that keeps calling him forward, forcing him to look within.  And as hard as it is to know that, I definitely respect it, and want to continue to support him from afar and still keep that communication going once and awhile, as long as it doesn't hurt us too much.  And so while today did hurt a bit, it was good too, almost like a Catch 22...

And so that’s that and it leaves me here, not liking it, but knowing that reminiscing and flipping through old Facebook pictures of our romantic, adventurous love affair is not helping, so I’m working on letting that go and trying to hold the faith that something better is coming.  Because the thing is, I don’t understand why we have to go through this right now – but I do understand that this is happening for a reason, even though I can’t see it now.  I just hope that this reason, whatever it may be, brings forth lots of blessings and miracles to even out all of this hardship. 

However, throughout all of this hardship, I have been becoming aware of some life lessons that are being brought forward.  This week, it has been the lesson of opening my eyes to others’ pain and acknowledging that not only does it hurt, but also that it is ok for it to hurt and continue to hurt…. I’ve found that when I am grieving, everyone else’s lives seem to go on around me, and while mine does indeed go on as well, it is going on in a slower and sadder way than others.  And for the most part, I think that people seem to forget that grief is a process and that it takes a lot of time to work through and get through.  Because I have been that person, who has comforted others in the moment, but then forgot to check back in a few weeks later, because my life sped by and went on quickly and happily.  But what I am finding now is that when my friends remember to check in and send their love, and acknowledge the fact that I’m not happy yet, nor do I need to be, that it means so much to be on the receiving end of their strength and compassion. 

The other day my friend was responding to an email to me that had nothing to do about breakups or anything of the sort, and at the end of the email he wrote,  “Hope you're doing better. Every day is a challenge, I know. I know it's impossible to see the forest for the trees right now, but you will come out of this stronger and more resilient. And I know it won't affect your trusting other people going forward.”

And I read that and it just made me cry.  Knowing that he was thinking of me and sending some strength my way, meant so much.  He didn’t need to end his email with that, but he took the time to add in those four extra sentences, and those sentences made me feel loved, and I need that love right now, because I am struggling to dig it up within myself.  And so we never know when our practicing of random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty are going to mean the world to someone and help take them from going over the edge.  And not that I was about to go over the edge when I read his email that night, but I was struggling, and he helped to bring me out of the aloneness and pull me back to the reality of “oh right, people really do care about me.”

So my main lesson that I have taken from this week is to just keep our eyes open to how we can be there for other people and to not feel self conscious about it.  To not let those opportunities of kindness pass us by because our life is moving too quickly.  We need to remember to slow down and look around at who needs us and then give them that reassurance that we empathize with them and love them and are holding them in our hearts.  For when we do that, we become better too, and it feels good inside to be able to give of ourselves to others.  And so we must not forget.  And we must not feel like we don't know what to say or how to comfort - because we do know - we just need to listen to the wisdom of our hearts. 

And that is what I’m trying to work on right now.  Because even when I feel as if I don’t have much to give, when I do share my loving with others, it feels so good and radiates up within me as well.  So I challenge you all if you are still here reading this post, to go forward and help give love and comfort to others in need, even if it is something small, I guarantee that your words and actions will not go unnoticed, nor be forgotten.

 “Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love.” – Lao Tzu