Why I created an “Advent of Loving Calendar” for my Fiancé

December 1, 2014

Last weekend Jonny and I were picking out a Christmas tree and ended up getting in a fight about what color lights we wanted to put on the tree.  I wanted white – he wanted color.  It was stupid and silly, but part of the reason we were fighting wasn’t because of the lights, but it was really because we weren’t feeling heard and understood by each other.

The real problem was that Jonny hadn’t been feeling appreciated by me in the past few weeks or so and he felt like I had been paying more attention to what he was doing wrong than what he was doing right.  And while I thought that I was doing a good job of making him feel appreciated, he told me that my nagging and calling him out on mistakes overshadowed any feelings of appreciation that he was receiving from me.  While he was talking, I realized that he was right and that I hadn’t been as loving and appreciative as I really wanted to have been in the past few weeks.  Because the thing is I ADORE Jonny.  I am crazy about him.  And so if he wasn’t feeling that adoration from me, then that meant that I was losing sight of how wonderful he is to me and wasn’t paying attention to what he really wants, which is just to feel loved and respected by me.  So last night I started thinking about ways that I could show him my appreciation and decided to create an “Advent of Loving Calendar” for him where each day between Dec 1 -24 he will open something from me that will express my love, appreciation and gratitude for him. 

I’m doing this for him so that he realizes how loved he is by me.  However, I am also doing this for me.  Because even though I am a Life Coach and help bring out the positivity and goodness in my clients, at times I lose sight of that within my own life.  So by committing to finding new things that I appreciate about Jonny on a daily basis and writing them down and sharing them with him, it will be an amazing exercise for me as well, as it will keep me focused on the positive and help me stay in my loving. 

Because here is the thing ladies – when we continue to nag our men and criticize them it is like death to our man’s soul.  Our men want to be admired by us and they will work really hard to earn that admiration (or at least Jonny does), but they also need to feel totally accepted and loved by us, as that makes them feel safe and worthy.    Oftentimes when women criticize their men, they do it because on some level they think that it will help to control them and make them do what they want.  However, this will not change a man – it will only tear them down and make them pull farther and farther away from you.  So instead, we must admire and appreciate our men, help boost their ego, focus on telling them what they are doing RIGHT instead of what they are doing WRONG.  Little things like this will go a long way.

So for both men and women, as you continue to head into the stress of the holidays, try to look for what you appreciate in your partner and to tell them about all of the goodness you see in them and share with them about all the ways that you see them making your life better – it may just help make your holidays just that much more special. 

--

Note:  At the time of publishing this post, I am currently on day 19 of our Advent of Loving and our relationship continues to get sweeter with each day.  Jonny even started writing me notes back as well and now we are both leaving letters of love and appreciation for each other everyday.  We are appreciating one another more and communicating more about what we love about each other and its amazing at how looking for the good in one another and sharing that with each other can massively transform a relationship.  Try it for yourself and let me know how it goes!

My new and improved "to-do" list

To-Do Lists.  We all have them, and for many of us they invoke feelings of stress, overwhelm, and the thought of “how in the hell am I supposed to get all of this done in such a short amount of time?”

I used to feel like this quite frequently until Jonny recently saved my sanity and bought me this Plenty of Time Calendar as part of my graduation present.  This planner is changing my life and revolutionizing the way I do things….let me explain….

In the past, I would read through a typical bullet style "to-do" list on a regular piece of paper and it would have sounded something like this in my head as I read through it:

“Ah shit, I have to pay my credit card bill today….ugh…”  or “I need to schedule a Spanish class….I can’t keep putting it off” or “I don’t know if I really want to work out today….I might just skip it".  Notice as you read through these things that the overall trend of my energy is that of a negative “Have-To”. 

However, here is a snap shot from yesterday of my new to-do list that I am now using......

Now that I have this new amazing planner, I put each of my “to-dos” under positive qualities that I want to evoke in myself while participating in each task.  It is a new way of composing my day moment-by-moment.  Instead of organizing my day around what I have to do, I am instead invoking these qualities of how I want to relate to myself while completing each task, and looking at these “to-do” items in a positive light so I better understand why I am making them a priority in my life. 

So for example, when I paid my credit card bill yesterday, instead of feeling stressed that I had to pay it, I instead got to practice feelings of gratitude for paying off bills for all of the blessings I have already received in my life.  Doing this allowed me to look at my bill from a perspective of abundance rather than lack.  Or, when I worked out this morning, I knew that I was partaking in my workout because it helps me to evoke feelings of self-worth when I exercise.  Knowing this going into it, it inspired me to make sure that I got my exercise done instead of just skipping it because I was feeling lazy.  Or what about scheduling my Spanish class and then actually going to class?  This is a new amazing opportunity for me to practice total love and acceptance for myself while I make mistakes and trip over the grammar of subjuntivo y impartivo. And what about this huge list of personal emails that I need to respond to?  Well, instead of looking at it as this overwhelming list of people I have to get back to – I can instead practice immense amounts of gratitude for all of the amazing friends in my life!  And when I do that, the new story in my head sounds something like this “Holy smokes!  I’m so grateful that I have these friends from all over that are writing me emails and I get to write back to them and share my love and appreciation of our friendship with them!” 

By re-creating my life and the way that I relate to myself while getting things done, I find that I am way more productive throughout my day and enjoy my life so much more while accomplishing my tasks.  It has been such a simple, yet profound shift and one that I would encourage you to try out – and you don’t need this fancy book to try it.  I have created a new to-do list for you with these qualities at this link here.  Print it off, fill it out, invoke positivity and let me know how using it changes your day!  And if you really love this new technique as much as I do – go buy the book – it’s really amazing. 

Love,
Elsie

Introducing "the other" Turning Life Gold....!!

Today is a big day. Today marks the launch of my coaching business Turning Life Gold.  This business has been a long time in the making and it feels like one of my heartfelt dreams is finally coming true.  I love coaching, and when I get to work with clients and help bring light and clarity to them, it is the highlight of my day and I feel so grateful that I am stepping into an area of work that makes others and myself so happy. And I am especially excited that I finally get to share this with all of you!

The other day I was reviewing my website and I was reading the page "My Story" where I share openly about my divorce, heartbreak and growth into the woman who I’ve become today, and I thought “wow, if I could have shown that devastated 23-year old girl who couldn’t stop sobbing while she was lying in the middle of her living room floor and who was too embarrassed to tell anyone she was getting divorced….If I could have just shown her then how amazing her life would become, how she would someday share her story to help others and work in a profession where she would bring light to other people’s darkness….If I could have just shown her a glimpse of this then, she would have been so amazed and maybe, just maybe, she could have taken a deep breath and known that everything would have been ok…”.  And as I realized all of this and how far I have come, tears started to drip down my cheeks, and I felt this overwhelming feeling of gratitude for my life and for all of those who have helped me along the way.  So to all of you who hugged me, fed me, traveled with me, laughed with me, cried with me, mentored me, sang with me, danced with me, sat with me, called me, and loved me through it all – this is dedicated to you.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.  I am so grateful.  If you feel called to share this message and site with others, please do, I would really appreciate it.  Or, if you feel like you could use some assistance and extra light in your life, please contact me and schedule a discovery call – I would be honored to work with you. 

And so here it is – I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. 

www.turninglifegold.com

Love,

Elsie

P.S. – A HUGE thank you to Damien Samwell at Tripsix Design for the amazing logo, Diana Sabreen Photography for the awesome pictures, and Element Echo for the killer website.  If any of you are looking for design, photography or web work – please contact these three – you’ll be glad you did – they are amazing.

P.P.S. – Also thank you to Jonny Roman for being the most amazing business consultant, fan and strength of support….thank you for being along on this journey with me.  I love you.

Well Fanci that...

It was the beginning of February and Fort Collins had been hit with a massive cold streak where the temperature at night was around -20 F.  The next morning, the temperature was still below zero, when Jonny was taking Ollie for a quick walk outside.  He came back from the walk, brought Ollie inside and said that he heard a woman screaming bloody murder in the fields behind us and he was going to go check it out.  I quickly threw on my winter gear and followed him outside.  As soon as I got outside I could hear a woman crying and screaming hysterically – it was the kind of noise that someone makes only when they have lost something that they love passionately.  It was scary, sobering, drenched in pain, and incredibly bone-chilling.  I’ve never heard so much audible grief come from one person before.  As we followed the sound of the wails down the path, I looked ahead of us into a pasture across the frozen river that separated our backyard from the pasture and saw this large white lump lying in the middle of the pasture.  As I strained my eyes to see better I quickly realized that the lump was the majestic white horse that used to graze there, and I put two and two together and understood that the wails were coming from the horse’s owner.  As we got closer to the woman, we yelled out over the frozen river to see if we could help her, she responded back “No, the horse is dead, there is nothing more we can do” and then dropped to her knees and started sobbing again.  So Jonny and I not knowing what to do, somberly turned back to our house with heavy hearts. 

As we got to our house, I felt wrong about just leaving that woman there alone in her grief.  I felt that there was more that we could do.  I started to go into judgment of myself and began asking questions such as “Why didn’t I do more?”  “Why didn’t I cross the river and climb under the fence to reach her?  If it were a human that had died, I would have done that wouldn’t I?  So why didn’t I do that now?”  “I am a Spiritual Psychologist, I should know better, I should have moved past my uncomfortable feelings and crossed the pasture to be with her and help her.”  My heart ached for her and I felt so lost in my grief for her, as well as my judgments around why I didn’t do more, and I continued to stay stuck, until I started to ask better questions.  I changed my questioning from “why didn’t I do more?” to “what can I do right now to help her and share my love and compassion?”.  As soon as I started to ask more empowering questions, the answer came to me – which was to write her a sympathy card, buy a candle for her to burn in the horse’s honor if she wished, and drop it off at her house.  I needed a way to convey to her that my heart was hurting along with hers, and so I bought a card and a candle and wrote a heartfelt message and drove to the house that I thought would be hers based on where the horse was in the pasture.  I was so nervous to bring the card up to the house, but I forced myself to do it, even though the feeling of walking up to this stranger’s house felt incredibly uncomfortable.  I drove into their driveway, and it appeared that no one was there so I put the card and the candle on the front porch, and then drove away.  I left not knowing if it was the right house, or if the woman would ever get my card, or if she would even appreciate it. 

The card and candle that I left on their doorstep....

After that day, I would oftentimes drive past her house and think of her, or would walk Ollie past the pasture and think of the white horse and that sad, cold day in February.  I wondered if the woman ever burned the candle, or if she just thought of it as a stupid offering.  I continued to wonder about her each day as I passed the pasture until today I heard a knock on the door….

I went to answer the door and saw a woman standing there who I didn’t recognize.  She held out a card in her hand and said, “This is for Elsie and Jonny”, I replied with “I’m Elsie” and then she told me about how she was the woman that we saw in the pasture that cold February morning.  She thanked me for my love and compassion and said that it meant so much to her and her family to receive our card and candle.  She started to tear up as she spoke of her horse and thanked us, we then hugged, as her and I – two complete strangers – shared the most beautiful moment of love and connection on my doorstep, and in that moment I was so happy that I had reached out to her that day and stepped outside of my comfort zone, overcame my own fears, and went for the love.  And I’m so glad that she chose to return it.  I’m not sure why she waited until now, but it doesn’t matter, because her visit to my house came at the perfect time and I am so grateful for her returned random acts of kindness.  After she left our house, I opened the card to find a beautiful message, and a picture of her and the horse included.

 She wrote: Dear Elsie and Jonny,

I wanted to THANK YOU so much for your sympathy and compassion 3 months ago when my horse passed away.  It meant a lot to me to know you cared during my mourning.  Fanci, my horse, was the best horse I had ever known, she was my soul-mate horse and we had many joys shared together for 15 years.  I only had expected to have another 15 years with her.  She died from a very acute and severe colic; the curse of the horse.  My family and me miss her so much!  I burned the candle in her honor and I pray I can be blessed to see her in heaven someday; maybe even with wings :-) Thank you for your love and sympathy, even for me “a stranger.”

Sincerely,

Robin and Family

Robin and her horse Fanci

HOW BEAUTIFUL.  Holy LOVE coming right back to me.  THIS is what life is about you guys!  Giving love and receiving love.  And THIS was such a beautiful reminder to me of how I need to continue to reach out, give my love and bring pure, heartfelt compassion to those in need – even if it is with complete strangers.  Because strangers or not, we are all connected, our love matters and it does make a difference. 

So I encourage you – how can you give a little extra love today?  Who can you reach out to that is grieving and check in with them to let them know that you care?  What action step can you do to let someone know that you are thinking of them?  Go do it now.  Don’t let your mind convince you that you are too busy, or that it won’t matter to them – because it will matter – I promise you it will.  I remember when I was grieving and someone reached out to me in the simplest of ways and how much that meant to me.  So follow your heart now and go…

On being Thankful...

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!  My last post was a sad one, but since then I have been on the upside of this roller-coaster called life and am starting to feel better about things today.  I read somewhere that when people move into an awareness of gratitude that it is hard for them to be in  an upset state at the same time.  I see this to be true most of the time as finding things to be grateful for really does help to switch my energy around to a more positive mindset.

This Thanksgiving (and all Thanksgivings) I can always find 100’s of things to be thankful for, but to keep it short this year I am just going to name 10 in no particular order, nor are they necessarily the most important – but they are what I came up with right now:

1. I’m so thankful for my family.  And not just my immediate family, but my extended family as well.  They have all been so supportive of me throughout the past few months (not to mention my entire life) and I feel incredibly lucky to be part of such an amazing group of people.

2. I’m grateful for my friends – all of them.  Yet I’m also so thankful to the ones who understand this situation, about what is going on, about why Jonny and I are each in so much pain.  And I'm also thankful for those who don't know all of the details about this, but don't really need to, because you still support us and care for us anyway.  I’m also thankful to those friends who read my blog and have empathy, those who talk to me about it sometimes, who write me little love notes and encouraging messages once and awhile, instead of just reading it and not saying anything.  I’m grateful for those friends who check in with me, who check in with Jonny, who continue to show their love.  Thank you for that, it doesn’t go unnoticed and is so incredibly appreciated and helps more than you know.

3. I’m super thankful for laughter.  It’s so fun.  So healing.  So good for my soul.  USM is also all of these things too – I’m thankful for that as well.

4. I’m thankful for my house, for the food that we will eat tomorrow and for the fact that I have limitless options for food to buy and consume.  I missed that a lot in Latin America, as I rarely had access to organic food, fancy cheese, exotic spices, brown sugar, good wine and more.  Now I have too much access to it, as America loves to over-consume, but still I’m glad I have it, because come on – who doesn’t love a good chunk of Camembert on a toasted baguette with a glass of Petite Syrah?  I wasn’t getting that in Mexico, that’s for sure.  So thank you America for all of your fun and fabulous food options.

5. I’m thankful to have a job, and as much as I don’t like it sometimes, I know that I am really lucky to have a job and to have a good one at that – and so I’m thankful.  And as lonely as it is to work from home, I’m also thankful that I get to make my own schedule, have lazy mornings and not have to wear high heels or uncomfy dress clothes ever.

6. I’m thankful to be surrounded by beautiful nature again.  I missed green space a lot while I was in Oaxaca and it feels good to be back in the land of fresh air, water and trees.  With that, I’m so thankful that I can drink water out of the tap again….drinking only bottled water was getting real old…especially to me due to the amount of water that I feel like I need to be consuming all the time.

7. I’m thankful for my health and my family’s health.  For the most part we are all doing good – it’s a real blessing for sure.

8. I’m thankful for all of the experiences that I have had thus far in my life, whether good or bad, they have all brought me to where I am now.  For example, if I hadn’t gotten divorced from Tyler I would have never gone to Belize, and consequently to Peru, Mexico, Guatemala, Cuba, etc. etc….I wouldn’t have learned about pain, empathy and compassion, and I wouldn’t have met Jonny and had all of those amazing experiences with him….which brings me to #9 which is….

9. I’m thankful for Jonny.  He has been one of the greatest teachers in my life thus far and continues to be one.  As hard as this has all been, I’m thankful for it.  I’m thankful for every experience I have had with him, including this one, as I know that this one is helping me to work through some major lessons and ultimately bringing me to a better place.  I would probably be even more thankful for this particular experience if we were to get back together….but you know, whatever, I still have gratitude for it, as well as for him and Jonny being who he is...

10.  I am so grateful for my connection to my spirituality and to God.  It helps me so much to know that all of this is happening for my highest good and that I'm being completely held and taken care of.....no matter what.

If you made it this far thanks for reading through my cheesy post and Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!

A letter to Huxley....

Dear Huxley,

I met you today for the first time and you were only three days old and weighed somewhere around a whopping eight pounds.  You were a little guy and oh so sweet and I am so happy that I get to be a part of your life.   When your parents first asked me to be your Godmother a few months back, I remember being so honored, yet so shocked at the same time.  I couldn’t believe that they saw me as worthy enough to play this role in your life, as I saw myself as really struggling with a lot of heart ache and failures, and really didn’t feel all that worthy at all.  But your Momma and Papa said that they saw me as being someone who in fact didn’t fail, but over came life’s challenges gracefully and strongly and that they hoped that I could share that strength and my global experiences on life, love and spirit with you.  When they told me that, I realized that maybe I was doing a better job than I thought and if your parents (who are some of the most amazing people I know) could see me worthy enough of this task, that then maybe I really was doing ok and ready for this responsibility.

Because here is the thing Hux, we are always our own worst critics.  Yet, the people around us never seem to see us as harshly as we tend to see ourselves.  And so I hope that as part of my role with you, that I will always be able to remind you of how worthy, valued, cherished and incredibly loved you are.

When you entered the world on Sunday, November 11, we rejoiced.  We celebrated, we cried tears of joy, your family held you, and kissed you and wrapped you warmly in their loving.  You have been here only three days and yet are already so incredibly loved by your family and all of their friends.  And so my goal is to always remind you of how special you are and how loved - because there may be a day sometime where life is really hard and you will just need someone to come through with a little extra encouragement.  My role here isn’t to parent you, but to help guide you in a different way, a way that helps you to embrace yourself as a unique, divine and spiritual being on your adventure through life.  And of course, my role is to also spoil you with gifts and fun trinkets from other countries and my own adventures, but mainly it is just to be another person who loves you.

When I was holding you today, I thought of how sweet and innocent you were and how we all just want to protect you so that you never get hurt.  But the reality of life is that we have to go through hurt sometimes, because that is how we grow and expand and evolve.  So someday my sweet Huxley something is going to happen that is going to break your heart, but when it does, know that we are all here holding you and cherishing you just as strongly as we did the day you were born.

We probably won’t give this letter to you until you are old and I am REALLY old.  So until then, enjoy the freedom of boyhood.  Enjoy catching frogs, playing trucks with Aldo, jumping off the dock, riding your bike, getting muddy, making forts, learning how to ski, etc. etc.  And someday when you get old we will talk about all of this deep stuff together….but for now, just stay in your sweet innocence for as long as you can.

Thanks for helping to make me feel worthy again Hux – I hope that I can return the favor many times throughout your life.

Welcome sweet boy, welcome.  We love you, stand by you, support you and bless you.

You have my love,
Godmom Els

How do you live your dash?

I just returned home from attending the funeral of my friend’s father.  He died tragically in a plane accident last week and our community is devastated for the family's loss.

I don’t have much to say, except that I am sitting here feeling so humbled right now.  Today my sweet friend faced my (and I’m sure her) biggest fear – attending the funeral of one of your beloved family members.  She was so brave, and poignant, and beautiful.  And I didn’t know what to do, except to show up and love her, hug her, and hold her hand, because what else can we do in situations like these except to just be there and love?

And so yes, I feel humbled, because while I am indeed going through my own personal loss, her loss is so much greater.  And it made me reflect and really tune into all of the many, wonderful reasons that I have to be grateful for in my life.  Ever since I heard of her father’s passing, I feel like I have been walking around with fresh eyes, just feeling grateful for everything that is present for me – because there is so much to be grateful for.

All of it is so humbling - losing my partner, moving back in with my parents, not liking my job, readjusting to a new social scene, living in Minnesota….. I didn’t ask for any of it, yet it showed up in my life for some reason, so I’ve decided to try to come to peace with it, because when it comes down to it, much of what I get upset about on a day-to-day basis is relatively trivial, and there is still a lot in my life to be grateful for and that gratefulness seems like a better focus for now...

The poem below was on the back of the handout today at the funeral and it made me really think about my life and others lives and how we are “living our dash” in this bruitful world.

“I read of a man who stood to speak

at the funeral of a friend.

He referred to the dates on her tombstone

from the beginning...to the end.

He noted that first came the date of her birth

and spoke of the following date with tears,

but he said what mattered most of all

was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time

that she spent alive on earth...

and now only those who loved her

know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own;

the cars....the house...the cash.

What matters is how we live and love

and how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard...

are there things you'd like to change?

For you never know how much time is left.

(You could be at "dash midrange.")

If we could just slow down enough

to consider what's true and real,

and always try to understand

the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,

and show appreciation more

and love the people in our lives

like we've never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,

and more often wear a smile...

remembering that this special dash

might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy's being read

with your life's actions to rehash...

would you be proud of the things they

say about how you spend your dash?”  ~Linda Ellis

For me, right now, I am living my dash by continuing to go forward trying to find the blessings in everything that life brings.  To find reasons to be grateful for each day.  To keep holding in the loving for my friends, my family and for Jonny and myself.  To be gentle with myself and the process of healing and to continue to extend my unconditional loving to Jonny from afar.  To continue to hold hope in the belief of miracles and love.  To appreciate mother nature and this adventure called life. To share laughter when it is present, spend quality time with the people I love, and to trust that all of this is playing out perfectly as it should. To embrace my imperfections, because Lord knows I have many....And finally, to live my dash in loving service, because I truly believe that the more loving that we extend into this world, the more that comes back to us in return....

I’m holding in my loving today for me, for all of you and especially for Katie.

How are you living yours?

Practicing random acts of kindness....

Today has been a hard day.  One of those “one step forward, and three steps back” types of days.  One of those days where prior to this morning I actually felt that I might be getting a little bit better, but then I had this crazy dream and I woke up, and I was slammed backwards and spiraled downwards again.  And I know that this blog has been real heavy as of late – but I can’t seem to lighten up – just not yet, so bear with me. 

This morning, I spoke with Jonny for over two hours and it was both glorious and heartbreaking all at the same time.  This isn’t the first time that we have spoken since our break up – not at all – we have had this strange type of communication where we talk or email occasionally, and it works for us….most of the time.  We love each other and miss each other and are craving to have the understanding that only the other one can provide.  And so we have been in contact here and there, because for the most part it feels good, and trying to cut each other out of our lives cold turkey, just wasn’t working.  But for me, our communication is almost like a drug, it is something that I crave and then when I have it, I feel oh so high, but then at times I come crashing down afterwards – which is what happened today.  And its not like these phone calls are happening all the time - because they’re not – this is the first time that we have spoken in two weeks.  And most of the time I’m fine afterwards, but today I wasn’t, because today our conversation felt somewhat normal almost, because it didn't totally revolve around our breakup.  We talked about school, work, roommates, exercising, reverse culture shock, therapy, etc. etc. we had a relatively normal conversation that was similar to what we would have held in the past and it felt good.  He understood everything, and I understood him, and I realized how much I miss that and how no one in my life here quite gets it the way that he does, and that makes it feel hard. And it is even harder that we can’t be together right now – because as much as he misses me, he knows that he needs to keep listening to that voice inside of him that keeps calling him forward, forcing him to look within.  And as hard as it is to know that, I definitely respect it, and want to continue to support him from afar and still keep that communication going once and awhile, as long as it doesn't hurt us too much.  And so while today did hurt a bit, it was good too, almost like a Catch 22...

And so that’s that and it leaves me here, not liking it, but knowing that reminiscing and flipping through old Facebook pictures of our romantic, adventurous love affair is not helping, so I’m working on letting that go and trying to hold the faith that something better is coming.  Because the thing is, I don’t understand why we have to go through this right now – but I do understand that this is happening for a reason, even though I can’t see it now.  I just hope that this reason, whatever it may be, brings forth lots of blessings and miracles to even out all of this hardship. 

However, throughout all of this hardship, I have been becoming aware of some life lessons that are being brought forward.  This week, it has been the lesson of opening my eyes to others’ pain and acknowledging that not only does it hurt, but also that it is ok for it to hurt and continue to hurt…. I’ve found that when I am grieving, everyone else’s lives seem to go on around me, and while mine does indeed go on as well, it is going on in a slower and sadder way than others.  And for the most part, I think that people seem to forget that grief is a process and that it takes a lot of time to work through and get through.  Because I have been that person, who has comforted others in the moment, but then forgot to check back in a few weeks later, because my life sped by and went on quickly and happily.  But what I am finding now is that when my friends remember to check in and send their love, and acknowledge the fact that I’m not happy yet, nor do I need to be, that it means so much to be on the receiving end of their strength and compassion. 

The other day my friend was responding to an email to me that had nothing to do about breakups or anything of the sort, and at the end of the email he wrote,  “Hope you're doing better. Every day is a challenge, I know. I know it's impossible to see the forest for the trees right now, but you will come out of this stronger and more resilient. And I know it won't affect your trusting other people going forward.”

And I read that and it just made me cry.  Knowing that he was thinking of me and sending some strength my way, meant so much.  He didn’t need to end his email with that, but he took the time to add in those four extra sentences, and those sentences made me feel loved, and I need that love right now, because I am struggling to dig it up within myself.  And so we never know when our practicing of random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty are going to mean the world to someone and help take them from going over the edge.  And not that I was about to go over the edge when I read his email that night, but I was struggling, and he helped to bring me out of the aloneness and pull me back to the reality of “oh right, people really do care about me.”

So my main lesson that I have taken from this week is to just keep our eyes open to how we can be there for other people and to not feel self conscious about it.  To not let those opportunities of kindness pass us by because our life is moving too quickly.  We need to remember to slow down and look around at who needs us and then give them that reassurance that we empathize with them and love them and are holding them in our hearts.  For when we do that, we become better too, and it feels good inside to be able to give of ourselves to others.  And so we must not forget.  And we must not feel like we don't know what to say or how to comfort - because we do know - we just need to listen to the wisdom of our hearts. 

And that is what I’m trying to work on right now.  Because even when I feel as if I don’t have much to give, when I do share my loving with others, it feels so good and radiates up within me as well.  So I challenge you all if you are still here reading this post, to go forward and help give love and comfort to others in need, even if it is something small, I guarantee that your words and actions will not go unnoticed, nor be forgotten.

 “Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love.” – Lao Tzu

The Peace of Wild Things

I found this poem on my aunt's fridge this weekend and loved it.

THE PEACE OF WILD THINGS

~Wendell Berry

When despair for the world grows in me

and I wake in the night at the least sound

in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,

I go and lie down where the wood drake

rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.

I come into the peace of wild things

who do not tax their lives with forethought

of grief.  I come into the presence of still water.

And I feel above me the day-blind stars

waiting with their light.  For a time

I rest in the grace of the world, and I am free.

Reading this helped me realize that I am most peaceful within myself when I am out in nature.  Ever since Jonny has left and moved to Colorado, I've been having a hard time appreciating the beauty and nature that is surrounding me here in Minnesota, because alls I wanted to do was to be in the mountains with him.  Yet, I know that I am surrounded by amazing beauty here and so I have been trying to appreciate that more as a way to let go of the attachment to Colorado.  

I made a goal for myself on Saturday night, that for the next month, for every day that I am in Duluth that I am going to go down to the lake.  I decided this because I needed to find a way to let go of Colorado, to be present here and to appreciate what is surrounding me instead of living in this sad fantasy world within my head.  So as I was pondering about Colorado and what really attracted me to want to be there, I realized that the main reason was the mountains and how majestic they are and how much power and beauty they hold, and how being in the mountains makes me feel so small, yet so grounded at the same time.  And then I realized that while I don't have mountains here, I do have the greatest lake in the world in my backyard.  Lake Superior has an immense power to her that for me is so healing and grounding.  And just like the mountains, she makes me feel so small, yet so centered in my being.  And so I decided that I need to take advantage of the fact that this power is right here, because I haven't been doing that, I had been home for a month and a half and hadn't gone to see the lake until Saturday.  So on Saturday night I went, it was 10:30 p.m. and I just stood on a rock on the shore and let the energy soak in, and it helped, because for the first time in a long time I felt grounded and felt that sense of peace coming to me from within this wild thing.  

So that is my goal - go down to the lake for a little bit everyday and let her heal me and let my grief and my tears dissolve into her waves....I'm still so sad at this point that I'm not sure what else to do, so while this is still no Colorado mountains, I need to start somewhere....and this is it. 

Swimming on Sunday and feeling oh so tiny and alive. 

4 years of truth

I've recently become obsessed with the blogger and creator of Momastery , Glennon Melton.  If you don't actively read her blog yet, you should (especially if you are a mom), because somehow her writing just makes you feel so much better about who you are as a person.  Glennon writes about the truth of everyday things, of her life, of her frustrations, her past addictions and how she overcame them, her love for her family, her God, and more than anything, she writes about the hard emotions that we all experience, but never dare to talk about  (let alone post it publicly in our blogs) for fear of cracking the perfect image that we think others have about us. But she writes about all of that and when I read it, it makes me feel good.  It makes me feel normal.  And it makes me think "thank you for sharing what we all feel at times, but never have the balls to write about".

And so today, I've decided that I am going to share some of my inner, private life with you all.  Because 4 years ago this blog started as a raw piece of who I was when I was getting divorced....and sometimes it comes back to that, but mostly it just shows the shiny, happy people that I'm spending my life with and doesn't express anything less surface than that.  And lets all admit it, the best blogs are the ones where people actually share their truth, as their truth is all something that we feel we can connect with on some level.  So tonight, I'm sharing my truth with you and will continue to share it in future blog posts to come.

Today is the 4 year anniversary of my and Tyler's divorce.  And it has been the easiest divorce anniversary to date.  The first three I cried - this year I didn't.  Success!  Leading up to this date I have been thinking about what I wanted to write and share with all of you and I decided that I am going to share parts of my application for the Masters program that I just applied to.

I recently applied to get my Master's of Spiritual Psychology through the University of Santa Monica (and I'm so excited about it), and with that application they asked me a TON of questions that I spent hours answering - one of which was where I had to describe an event in my life that was difficult and how I overcame that.  And so I have decided to share some of that application with you all, as many of you have been with me throughout this entire process and I want you to know where I am today.  But more than that, I want to bring back a sense of truth to this blog, because I know that even though many of you have never gone through a divorce, it doesn't mean that you can't relate to many of the feelings of loss that I experienced - as I know that many of you can - and so I want to share in that with you.

Parts of the application were pretty long, so I am only going to post it in a few different parts throughout this week, as to not have to overwhelm you with reading.  I'm nervous about sharing this, as it feels really personal, but part of me also feels like it is something that I need to do, as I hope that someone out there will benefit from it.

So goes: Part 1. And congratulations to me - cause I've stopped surviving and have started living again and it feels soooo good.

Love,
Els

11.       What has led you to apply to USM’s Program in Spiritual Psychology at this time?

Four years ago, on March 25, 2008, I sat in a courtroom, listening meekly as the presiding judge finalized my divorce.  Getting divorced, while without question was one of the most challenging experiences of my life, was also quite possibly one of the most freeing; I just couldn’t see it back then.  My now ex-husband was a medical student at the time, and I saw myself as his sweet wife who had committed to supporting him throughout his school career.  I had every intention of pursuing a Master’s degree but my husband told me that, due to financial reasons, the two of us could not be in school at the same time, so I was not allowed to enroll.  I resigned to his comments and pushed aside my dream of a higher education for the life of becoming a mom and caring for a family.  Our marriage did not last long enough for us to have children, and I was left devastated and lost after the divorce.

During my grieving period, one of my coping mechanisms was to sit and write down all of my life dreams that I now had the freedom to accomplish.  Of the items I listed, one of the large ones was to go back to school, but for the longest time I could not figure out what for.  Did I want to further my Communication and Psychology degrees from my undergrad and study Organizational Psychology, or perhaps continue my interest for international work and study Anthropology or International Education?  Nothing was clear. That is, of course, until I heard the woman from USM speak about the Master’s of Spiritual Psychology program.  As mentioned, hearing her speak ignited an excitement within me that I had not felt in a long time.  Finally I had found a program that fulfilled all of my needs, the thought of which resonated deeply within me.  First and foremost, this program allows me to grow spiritually, which is something that I have been craving deeply for the past few years.  Secondly, it fits with my current life schedule and profession.  I can continue working for ProWorld, yet also participate fully in an education that is dynamic, deep and interactive.  Third, I have the freedom, creativity, and additional life and global experience that will help me take this education and use it to fit best within my world.  I can apply it both internationally and domestically, utilize it as a manager, a girlfriend, daughter, or friend, and it is something that will be a profound investment in the rest of my life.  I feel that I will be able to apply this education to all areas in my life, both personally and professionally, for the rest of my life…and I love that. 

After the conference ended, I flew home to Mexico and excitedly told my boyfriend all about USM and that I planned on applying this coming year when we moved back to the States.  He fully supported the idea and agreed that this education would be a great fit for me.  So here I am, eagerly applying for this program.  I return to the United States in July and hope that, with acceptance to your program, I will be able to begin this transformational journey with USM in October.

     A.) What, if any, challenging events or situations have you experienced (including, but not limited to, abuse, violence, chemical dependence, divorce, anxiety or depression)?

In June of 2007, when I was 23 years old, I married a man who I had been in a relationship with for five years.  In December of 2007, just seven months into our marriage, my husband Tyler surprised me with the news that he wanted a divorce.  He would not talk to me about it, would not give me any reasons behind his decision, and had no interest in working on any problems that we were having within our marriage.  Three months later, I was divorced.  It all happened so quickly; psychologists told me that I was experiencing the type of grief similar to that of someone who had experienced the sudden death of a loved one.  I went through many different negative feelings during this time: shock, anger, sadness, depression, obsession, shame and grief.  Not only did the news of the divorce have severe mental effects on me, but physical ones as well.  I lost about 20 pounds in the first two weeks of our separation and struggled to make meals for myself in the weeks after that, which only prolonged the weight loss.   I cried myself to sleep often and needed to have my parents call me every morning for about three months to ensure that I would get out of bed.   I was severely depressed throughout this time and struggled with bouts of it for about two years.  Throughout our separation, it became clear to me that my husband had been seeing other women, a discovery which created immense amounts of rage and jealousy within me.  Since then I have developed issues surrounding the areas of trust and jealousy, especially in my intimate relationships; fears that continue to have negative effects in my life today.

B.) Have you sought support or assistance to resolve or cope with these challenges?  If so, please describe and give your evaluation of the effectiveness.

During the time that I was getting divorced, I saw a therapist on a weekly basis and it was one of the best things that I could have done for myself.  She helped me become strong within myself again and move through my divorce in a very positive way.  I would often start our weekly sessions filled with anger and sadness yet, after our hour session was over, I would leave her office feeling lighter and more balanced.  She and I created small, yet tangible goals for me to accomplish each week as a way for me to maintain a positive focus on life.  She encouraged me to play my viola three days a week, as playing music was something that relaxed me and made me feel happy.  She put me on an exercise and meal plan so that I could regain my physical health, and also gave me a bedtime so that I made sure that I was getting eight hours of sleep every night.  Typically, I would not like such strict guidelines, but at this time in my life I needed that kind of discipline in order for me to pull through.  During our therapy sessions we would talk about dreams for the future – what were things that I could do with my life now, that I did not have the freedom or ability to do before?  I did not know it then, but the list of dreams that I wrote out one day alone in my kitchen became the stepping stone of a completely transformed life for me.  It is even one of the reasons that I am applying for this program today.  In conclusion, my therapist was an extremely integral part of my healing process and, was it not for her guidance and support, I honestly do not think that I would have made such a positive transformation in my life today. 

My spirituality and belief in God also helped me a great deal during this time.  I found myself reflecting back (and using) many of the spiritual teachings that I had learned throughout the years – free form writing, forgiveness exercises, meditation, and many other tools that would help comfort and balance me during this difficult time.  I was increasingly drawn to God and church in a very large way during and after my divorce.  As someone who was never raised to take part in conventional church services on Sundays, for about a two month time period I wanted to attend church with my friends every Sunday just to feel an extra touch of God and community while I was away from home.  Once I moved back home to Minnesota (my ex-husband and I were living in Missouri), I once again became very involved in the Movement of Spiritual Inner Awareness (MSIA) and Peace Theological Seminary (PTS).  I was lucky to be living in a city that facilitated many different PTS courses including “The Power Within You” and “The Travelers Through the Ages” taking both of these courses literally transformed my life.  They moved me to a higher consciousness and helped me release a lot of built up karma, pain and confusion.  I walked away from these two classes with a clearer purpose for my life, a stronger connection to Spirit, and a deeper love and acceptance for myself, which was all very healing for me.

One of the final and most important ways that I was able to get through my divorce was through the love and support of friends and family.  When I first found out that Tyler wanted a divorce, I was incredibly embarrassed and ashamed by the fact that I was only 23 years old and already getting divorced.  However, as I began to open up and tell my close friends and colleagues about my divorce, I found that telling people helped my situation immensely as it reassured me to know that others were caring for me, thinking of me, and sending me their love and prayers.  It was at this point where I really started to believe in the power of prayer. I guess I had always believed in prayer, but had never fully experienced its strength until that moment.  I could feel the love and energy of friends and family surround and protect me, and I had this inner knowing that the reason I was able to endure so much was because of the prayers, light and love that people continuously sent me.  I reached out and asked for hugs, meals, company, love, support; I received all of that and so much more.  I learned a beautiful lesson:  that there are truly good people in this world – people who openly share their love, homes, and wisdom and do not ask for anything in return.  Though this divorce was one of the most difficult experiences of my life, I also received one of the greatest blessings because of it.  I learned what it means to lose someone and because of that I have gained deep compassion and empathy and am able to share that freely with others.

 All of this helped to give me strength and love within myself at a time where I was feeling very alone.  Through the therapy, spiritual practices and unconditional love from family and friends, I was able to get through my divorce with much more dignity, strength and inner love than I would have otherwise without any support systems in place.  Through this experience I feel that I have transformed into a strong, independent and loving woman.  I am now learning to become more in-tune with myself while listening to the wisdom of my heart, trying to share the gift of love and compassion with others, as my companions did so beautifully with me.

C.) Please discuss how you have adapted or responded to these situations and how you perceive they may be influencing you now.

 Throughout my divorce, my dad continued to remind me of three important things:

1)      “Life would become good again and that although I could not see it then, I would become happy and find love again.”

2)        “Everything happens for a reason, even though I don’t know what those reasons are in this moment.”

3)      “God will never give you anything that you can’t handle.”

My dad was right, as my life has become good again.  I can now see why I was not supposed to stay married.   And God in fact did not give me anything that I could not handle. 

Two months following my divorce, I decided to check an item off of my “dream” list and go and volunteer in Belize.  While I was in Belize, I stopped surviving and started living again.  I found love and happiness and strength and a whole new sense of purpose in my life.  Belize opened up my life in ways I could have never imagined, and I know that if I had continued to stay married I would not be here in Mexico today, nor would I have had many of the amazing experiences that I have gained over the past four years of my life since my divorce. 

The main things that I have gained inwardly from my divorce are a deeper spiritual focus, inner strength and an understanding of unconditional love.  I also have a greater understanding of pain and grief and because of that empathy and compassion.  I was shown that even though there are people in this world who can make my life difficult, there are so many others whose tremendous hearts can wrap me up in their love, and I want to do the same for them in return.   

As I reflect on my divorce almost four years later I am able to fully comprehend how much better my life has become.  I feel happy, strong and excited about my future and can clearly see how I was able to transform a devastating event into a beautiful new life for myself.  

Why I am humbled...

Today was a day that I won’t forget for a long time.  It was a day that brought forth a lot of reflection – and a lot of humbleness.   

Jonny and I came to Belize on Friday for vacation.  We are here for 12 days, 8 of those days are vacation, and 4 of those days are to work with our offices and staff here.  Today was one of those “work” days.  We started off the morning by having a quick meeting with the team and then jumping into Nicole’s car to drive around town and see projects that ProWorld had recently completed.  We then left town and drove out into one of the nearby villages to one of our project partners who produces organic Mayan chocolate.  We went upstairs with them to the second level of their open air house and was served a homemade lunch of the most delicious rice, beans and chicken – with homemade hot chocolate and bites of homemade chocolate for dessert.  While we ate, Juan, the man who runs the chocolate farm, spoke to us about how they are producing the chocolate from the ancient Mayan traditions of sustainable agriculture, respecting the jungle and the ecosystem and about not forgetting tradition and respect in everyday life.  It was inspiring how much he knew about the sacred balance of our fragile ecosystem, but yet how much faith he still had in humanity and his neighbors to restore it.  He said that the weight of the jungle is on his shoulders and if he doesn’t carry it and fight for the change, then who will?  And as I sat on his porch, eating rice and beans in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity, with no air conditioning, three mangy puppies playing at my feet and two chickens clucking behind me – I was humbled for the first time that day – for I oftentimes forget that one person can make a change.  This man feels that he is holding the entire weight of the Belizean jungles on his shoulders – yet he is not overwhelmed by that thought – he is inspired by it and taking on the challenge on a daily basis.  There have been many times in my life where I have stayed quiet said to myself “ah, I’m only one person, my voice won’t mean a thing” – but today I was reminded that it does and that that overused Margaret Mead quote of “Never doubt that a small group of dedicated citizens can change the world, indeed it is the only thing that ever has” may actually be overused because it is true….

After we left the Mayan chocolate factory, we took an hour long drive, on a bumpy dirty road, out to Barranco – one of the most secluded villages in Southern Belize.  Barranco is the hometown of the famous Belizean musician, Andy Palacio.  It is also the hometown to 160 other Gariffuna Belizeans who rest together peacefully on the edge of the ocean, in the middle of the jungle.  Barranco is dense jungle like I have never seen it before – the jungle runs right down to the water’s edge, there is no beach, nothing – just jungle and ocean - and in-between that some grass roads, some huts and a small (think smaller than your smallest bedroom) corner store.  We walked throughout the village greeting friends of Nicole’s, sitting on their porches, sharing in smiles, laughter, stories and jokes and then continuing along our way.  It was so simple, yet so profound, and such a sweet, simple way to let the afternoon pass by.  

As night fell we made our final stop to visit a close friend of Nicole’s, Joan.  Joan is an ex-pat from the US and has two daughters around the ages of 8 and 11.  She has lived in Belize for the past 20 years and has quite the story.  Her house has no electricity, and one small candle lighting the house, along with some dim light pouring in from the street.  In the darkness we ate a simple, yet delicious dinner of rice, beans and fried plantains, while we swung from chairs that were hanging from the rafters of her thatched roof.  As we chatted and ate in the dark, I was amazed at how the darkness didn’t affect her daughters at all, they moved throughout the kitchen and bedrooms as if having no light was no big deal – and it wasn’t – it was part of life there.  The sun goes down at 6pm, which means it is time to eat, and then play for a little bit and then go to sleep.  The girls were so joyful throughout all of this, playing, joking and carrying on with their mother like young children do.  It was so refreshing to see; we don’t need all of this electricity that we pump into our houses, sure it is nice to have, but it is definitely not necessary to have a happy, functioning family.  As the girls ran around barefoot throughout their house, which connects to the jungle-ness of their front yard, the mother was telling us about a recent trip back to the States where they visited their family in Ohio and after observing life in the US, her oldest daughter said “Mom, people in America don’t walk barefoot on grass do they?”  And I thought, no honey, they don’t, because walking barefoot in long grass isn’t safe and if you do walk through it, then you have the chance of stepping in dog shit like I did today and Americans hate things that aren’t safe and more than that, they hate stepping in shit.    And it isn’t that you can’t do these things in America – it’s just that most people don’t.  We do step in dog shit, but we hardly walk barefoot through un-manicured grass, and we definitely don’t eat in the dark, in our living rooms, and enjoy it.  And so after this simple experience of spending time in their house, I was yet once again, humbled.

After we departed their house, we began our drive back home and Nicole started telling us more about Joan’s life and it is a rough life at that.  Joan used to have a 2 year old boy, and when she was out of town, the boy was taken by a drunk man and murdered.  She then had a 3 year old daughter who was hit by a car and killed.  Then her husband physically and mentally abused and controlled her so much that she almost died, so she took her two daughters and left the prospering business that they had created in another village in Belize, left the comforts of their home, and ran away from her husband.  Now they live in the little village of Barranco, where life was sweet until the girls were both recently physically assaulted by a man in the village.  He is now locked up – but when will this family get a break?  And I tell you this, not to make you sick to your stomach, but because it is their reality and it will make you feel humbled – as it did for me – that it is not your reality.  This mom now makes soap in Barranco and sells it for $2.00 USD a bar in order to support her family.  I bought 4 bars today, but that was prior to knowing her story.  Had I known her story, I would have bought out her store and given you all bars of soap as presents for the next 10 years, but I didn’t know her story at the time so will just have to send her lots of love and light in the meantime and buy more next time.  But the thing is, even after all of this – the family still has joy.  They still laughed throughout dinner and ran around barefoot - giggling - playing freely throughout the yard.

As so it is.   These are the stories of Belize.  These are the reasons that I am going to bed humbled tonight.  Today I learned a great deal about strength, humanity, simplicity and unity.  Today I once again fell in love with Belize, but yet was also scared like hell from it, and totally and completely humbled by it.