Why I created an “Advent of Loving Calendar” for my Fiancé

December 1, 2014

Last weekend Jonny and I were picking out a Christmas tree and ended up getting in a fight about what color lights we wanted to put on the tree.  I wanted white – he wanted color.  It was stupid and silly, but part of the reason we were fighting wasn’t because of the lights, but it was really because we weren’t feeling heard and understood by each other.

The real problem was that Jonny hadn’t been feeling appreciated by me in the past few weeks or so and he felt like I had been paying more attention to what he was doing wrong than what he was doing right.  And while I thought that I was doing a good job of making him feel appreciated, he told me that my nagging and calling him out on mistakes overshadowed any feelings of appreciation that he was receiving from me.  While he was talking, I realized that he was right and that I hadn’t been as loving and appreciative as I really wanted to have been in the past few weeks.  Because the thing is I ADORE Jonny.  I am crazy about him.  And so if he wasn’t feeling that adoration from me, then that meant that I was losing sight of how wonderful he is to me and wasn’t paying attention to what he really wants, which is just to feel loved and respected by me.  So last night I started thinking about ways that I could show him my appreciation and decided to create an “Advent of Loving Calendar” for him where each day between Dec 1 -24 he will open something from me that will express my love, appreciation and gratitude for him. 

I’m doing this for him so that he realizes how loved he is by me.  However, I am also doing this for me.  Because even though I am a Life Coach and help bring out the positivity and goodness in my clients, at times I lose sight of that within my own life.  So by committing to finding new things that I appreciate about Jonny on a daily basis and writing them down and sharing them with him, it will be an amazing exercise for me as well, as it will keep me focused on the positive and help me stay in my loving. 

Because here is the thing ladies – when we continue to nag our men and criticize them it is like death to our man’s soul.  Our men want to be admired by us and they will work really hard to earn that admiration (or at least Jonny does), but they also need to feel totally accepted and loved by us, as that makes them feel safe and worthy.    Oftentimes when women criticize their men, they do it because on some level they think that it will help to control them and make them do what they want.  However, this will not change a man – it will only tear them down and make them pull farther and farther away from you.  So instead, we must admire and appreciate our men, help boost their ego, focus on telling them what they are doing RIGHT instead of what they are doing WRONG.  Little things like this will go a long way.

So for both men and women, as you continue to head into the stress of the holidays, try to look for what you appreciate in your partner and to tell them about all of the goodness you see in them and share with them about all the ways that you see them making your life better – it may just help make your holidays just that much more special. 

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Note:  At the time of publishing this post, I am currently on day 19 of our Advent of Loving and our relationship continues to get sweeter with each day.  Jonny even started writing me notes back as well and now we are both leaving letters of love and appreciation for each other everyday.  We are appreciating one another more and communicating more about what we love about each other and its amazing at how looking for the good in one another and sharing that with each other can massively transform a relationship.  Try it for yourself and let me know how it goes!

Introducing "the other" Turning Life Gold....!!

Today is a big day. Today marks the launch of my coaching business Turning Life Gold.  This business has been a long time in the making and it feels like one of my heartfelt dreams is finally coming true.  I love coaching, and when I get to work with clients and help bring light and clarity to them, it is the highlight of my day and I feel so grateful that I am stepping into an area of work that makes others and myself so happy. And I am especially excited that I finally get to share this with all of you!

The other day I was reviewing my website and I was reading the page "My Story" where I share openly about my divorce, heartbreak and growth into the woman who I’ve become today, and I thought “wow, if I could have shown that devastated 23-year old girl who couldn’t stop sobbing while she was lying in the middle of her living room floor and who was too embarrassed to tell anyone she was getting divorced….If I could have just shown her then how amazing her life would become, how she would someday share her story to help others and work in a profession where she would bring light to other people’s darkness….If I could have just shown her a glimpse of this then, she would have been so amazed and maybe, just maybe, she could have taken a deep breath and known that everything would have been ok…”.  And as I realized all of this and how far I have come, tears started to drip down my cheeks, and I felt this overwhelming feeling of gratitude for my life and for all of those who have helped me along the way.  So to all of you who hugged me, fed me, traveled with me, laughed with me, cried with me, mentored me, sang with me, danced with me, sat with me, called me, and loved me through it all – this is dedicated to you.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.  I am so grateful.  If you feel called to share this message and site with others, please do, I would really appreciate it.  Or, if you feel like you could use some assistance and extra light in your life, please contact me and schedule a discovery call – I would be honored to work with you. 

And so here it is – I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. 

www.turninglifegold.com

Love,

Elsie

P.S. – A HUGE thank you to Damien Samwell at Tripsix Design for the amazing logo, Diana Sabreen Photography for the awesome pictures, and Element Echo for the killer website.  If any of you are looking for design, photography or web work – please contact these three – you’ll be glad you did – they are amazing.

P.P.S. – Also thank you to Jonny Roman for being the most amazing business consultant, fan and strength of support….thank you for being along on this journey with me.  I love you.

Well Fanci that...

It was the beginning of February and Fort Collins had been hit with a massive cold streak where the temperature at night was around -20 F.  The next morning, the temperature was still below zero, when Jonny was taking Ollie for a quick walk outside.  He came back from the walk, brought Ollie inside and said that he heard a woman screaming bloody murder in the fields behind us and he was going to go check it out.  I quickly threw on my winter gear and followed him outside.  As soon as I got outside I could hear a woman crying and screaming hysterically – it was the kind of noise that someone makes only when they have lost something that they love passionately.  It was scary, sobering, drenched in pain, and incredibly bone-chilling.  I’ve never heard so much audible grief come from one person before.  As we followed the sound of the wails down the path, I looked ahead of us into a pasture across the frozen river that separated our backyard from the pasture and saw this large white lump lying in the middle of the pasture.  As I strained my eyes to see better I quickly realized that the lump was the majestic white horse that used to graze there, and I put two and two together and understood that the wails were coming from the horse’s owner.  As we got closer to the woman, we yelled out over the frozen river to see if we could help her, she responded back “No, the horse is dead, there is nothing more we can do” and then dropped to her knees and started sobbing again.  So Jonny and I not knowing what to do, somberly turned back to our house with heavy hearts. 

As we got to our house, I felt wrong about just leaving that woman there alone in her grief.  I felt that there was more that we could do.  I started to go into judgment of myself and began asking questions such as “Why didn’t I do more?”  “Why didn’t I cross the river and climb under the fence to reach her?  If it were a human that had died, I would have done that wouldn’t I?  So why didn’t I do that now?”  “I am a Spiritual Psychologist, I should know better, I should have moved past my uncomfortable feelings and crossed the pasture to be with her and help her.”  My heart ached for her and I felt so lost in my grief for her, as well as my judgments around why I didn’t do more, and I continued to stay stuck, until I started to ask better questions.  I changed my questioning from “why didn’t I do more?” to “what can I do right now to help her and share my love and compassion?”.  As soon as I started to ask more empowering questions, the answer came to me – which was to write her a sympathy card, buy a candle for her to burn in the horse’s honor if she wished, and drop it off at her house.  I needed a way to convey to her that my heart was hurting along with hers, and so I bought a card and a candle and wrote a heartfelt message and drove to the house that I thought would be hers based on where the horse was in the pasture.  I was so nervous to bring the card up to the house, but I forced myself to do it, even though the feeling of walking up to this stranger’s house felt incredibly uncomfortable.  I drove into their driveway, and it appeared that no one was there so I put the card and the candle on the front porch, and then drove away.  I left not knowing if it was the right house, or if the woman would ever get my card, or if she would even appreciate it. 

The card and candle that I left on their doorstep....

After that day, I would oftentimes drive past her house and think of her, or would walk Ollie past the pasture and think of the white horse and that sad, cold day in February.  I wondered if the woman ever burned the candle, or if she just thought of it as a stupid offering.  I continued to wonder about her each day as I passed the pasture until today I heard a knock on the door….

I went to answer the door and saw a woman standing there who I didn’t recognize.  She held out a card in her hand and said, “This is for Elsie and Jonny”, I replied with “I’m Elsie” and then she told me about how she was the woman that we saw in the pasture that cold February morning.  She thanked me for my love and compassion and said that it meant so much to her and her family to receive our card and candle.  She started to tear up as she spoke of her horse and thanked us, we then hugged, as her and I – two complete strangers – shared the most beautiful moment of love and connection on my doorstep, and in that moment I was so happy that I had reached out to her that day and stepped outside of my comfort zone, overcame my own fears, and went for the love.  And I’m so glad that she chose to return it.  I’m not sure why she waited until now, but it doesn’t matter, because her visit to my house came at the perfect time and I am so grateful for her returned random acts of kindness.  After she left our house, I opened the card to find a beautiful message, and a picture of her and the horse included.

 She wrote: Dear Elsie and Jonny,

I wanted to THANK YOU so much for your sympathy and compassion 3 months ago when my horse passed away.  It meant a lot to me to know you cared during my mourning.  Fanci, my horse, was the best horse I had ever known, she was my soul-mate horse and we had many joys shared together for 15 years.  I only had expected to have another 15 years with her.  She died from a very acute and severe colic; the curse of the horse.  My family and me miss her so much!  I burned the candle in her honor and I pray I can be blessed to see her in heaven someday; maybe even with wings :-) Thank you for your love and sympathy, even for me “a stranger.”

Sincerely,

Robin and Family

Robin and her horse Fanci

HOW BEAUTIFUL.  Holy LOVE coming right back to me.  THIS is what life is about you guys!  Giving love and receiving love.  And THIS was such a beautiful reminder to me of how I need to continue to reach out, give my love and bring pure, heartfelt compassion to those in need – even if it is with complete strangers.  Because strangers or not, we are all connected, our love matters and it does make a difference. 

So I encourage you – how can you give a little extra love today?  Who can you reach out to that is grieving and check in with them to let them know that you care?  What action step can you do to let someone know that you are thinking of them?  Go do it now.  Don’t let your mind convince you that you are too busy, or that it won’t matter to them – because it will matter – I promise you it will.  I remember when I was grieving and someone reached out to me in the simplest of ways and how much that meant to me.  So follow your heart now and go…

A letter to Huxley....

Dear Huxley,

I met you today for the first time and you were only three days old and weighed somewhere around a whopping eight pounds.  You were a little guy and oh so sweet and I am so happy that I get to be a part of your life.   When your parents first asked me to be your Godmother a few months back, I remember being so honored, yet so shocked at the same time.  I couldn’t believe that they saw me as worthy enough to play this role in your life, as I saw myself as really struggling with a lot of heart ache and failures, and really didn’t feel all that worthy at all.  But your Momma and Papa said that they saw me as being someone who in fact didn’t fail, but over came life’s challenges gracefully and strongly and that they hoped that I could share that strength and my global experiences on life, love and spirit with you.  When they told me that, I realized that maybe I was doing a better job than I thought and if your parents (who are some of the most amazing people I know) could see me worthy enough of this task, that then maybe I really was doing ok and ready for this responsibility.

Because here is the thing Hux, we are always our own worst critics.  Yet, the people around us never seem to see us as harshly as we tend to see ourselves.  And so I hope that as part of my role with you, that I will always be able to remind you of how worthy, valued, cherished and incredibly loved you are.

When you entered the world on Sunday, November 11, we rejoiced.  We celebrated, we cried tears of joy, your family held you, and kissed you and wrapped you warmly in their loving.  You have been here only three days and yet are already so incredibly loved by your family and all of their friends.  And so my goal is to always remind you of how special you are and how loved - because there may be a day sometime where life is really hard and you will just need someone to come through with a little extra encouragement.  My role here isn’t to parent you, but to help guide you in a different way, a way that helps you to embrace yourself as a unique, divine and spiritual being on your adventure through life.  And of course, my role is to also spoil you with gifts and fun trinkets from other countries and my own adventures, but mainly it is just to be another person who loves you.

When I was holding you today, I thought of how sweet and innocent you were and how we all just want to protect you so that you never get hurt.  But the reality of life is that we have to go through hurt sometimes, because that is how we grow and expand and evolve.  So someday my sweet Huxley something is going to happen that is going to break your heart, but when it does, know that we are all here holding you and cherishing you just as strongly as we did the day you were born.

We probably won’t give this letter to you until you are old and I am REALLY old.  So until then, enjoy the freedom of boyhood.  Enjoy catching frogs, playing trucks with Aldo, jumping off the dock, riding your bike, getting muddy, making forts, learning how to ski, etc. etc.  And someday when you get old we will talk about all of this deep stuff together….but for now, just stay in your sweet innocence for as long as you can.

Thanks for helping to make me feel worthy again Hux – I hope that I can return the favor many times throughout your life.

Welcome sweet boy, welcome.  We love you, stand by you, support you and bless you.

You have my love,
Godmom Els