Staying Awake

When I lived in Mexico, I never thought that I would miss it the way that I do, but it ends up that I do miss Oaxaca…..a lot.

I just returned home from an International Education Conference in Kansas. 

Kansas is very far from Mexico.

At those types of things, people love to ask you where you are from.  I had to always answer with “Duluth”.

Though, I seemed to always follow-up with “but I just recently moved back from Oaxaca, Mexico”, because the answer of “Duluth” never seemed to satisfy me.

I realized that having lived in Oaxaca gives me significance.  It makes me feel special, whereas Duluth doesn’t.  And when I get to talk about Mexico, it makes me able to miss it a little bit less, so I tend to like to bring it into conversation whenever possible.

I need to process my experience of living there, but I don’t know how.

The loss of Jonny happened at the same time as our transition back to the States and that loss overtook any chance of a healthy transition back and because of that only now am I beginning to process it.  The thing is, the only person that I want to process it with is him.  No one else understands on the same level.  So I end up missing Oaxaca and him together, which seems to make it worse.

Not only do I miss Oaxaca, but Latin America in general.  My heart aches for it and this reverse culture shock is a slow, confusing process, especially because I feel so isolated in it.

At this conference there were also tons of people there from Colorado.

I made friends with 4 people from Fort Collins.  I wished that I was getting on the plane with them back to Denver. 

I secretly envied them for living there.  I wanted to tell all of them that “I was supposed to be there too!!”  But instead I kept my mouth shut, because no one except for me really cares that I was supposed to live there.  The fact is that I’m not living there.  I need to work on living in the present. 

All of this makes me feel confused and like I am still wandering around lost. 

When will this get easier?

I cry in the mornings still – though not every day anymore.  I suppose that part is getting easier.  Thank God too, as I was starting to go through a lot of Kleenex.

This week I read a quote by Tony Robbins, he said “The only thing keeping us from getting what we want is the story that we are telling ourselves for why we can’t have it.”

I realized that I have a lot of limiting stories that I need to work through.  

The hard part is actually working them and letting them go.

I go back to USM next weekend; I’ll try to work them there.

USM gives me hope for the future.

Hope that life will be beautiful again.

Hope that I will love again.

Hope that someday I won’t hurt so much anymore and will no longer wake up with such a tightness in my stomach.

A French Proverb says “Hope is the dream of a soul awake”.

Here’s to hoping I continue to stay awake……

The Long Time Sun

This past weekend in class, our morning sessions would always start with a five minute meditation. During this meditation we were asked to send loving energy to ourselves and anyone else in our lives who could use some peace and love.  These people could be our family members, our friends, people who were distant to us, our enemies, our lovers, soldiers in war, etc. Anyone who we felt needed some extra love.  We would create a chalice in our heart and envision these people in that loving energy.   Whenever we would do that it would make me cry, and it would remind me of this song called “The Long Time Sun” that we always sing at the end of my new Yoga class.  The song repeats itself three times – the first time the message is for you, the second time it is for the people you hold in your hearts, and the third time is for your world.  Every time that we sing it during yoga, this also makes me cry and I end class with tears streaming down my cheeks.

Today I was given the opportunity and reminder to practice what I had learned for how to hold people in our hearts.  I’m not sure on this, but for reasons I can’t get into here on this blog, I think that today might have started out as a scary day for Jonny.  And this morning I woke up feeling nervous for him and I wanted so badly to text him, to say “I love you and support you” because I knew that it would make him feel better, but I also knew that I couldn’t do that, that I would be supporting him more by actually not doing that.  I’m working really hard lately on not interfering in his process and letting his inner wisdom guide him through.  We are also learning this at school – how to let people come to their own conclusions by just listening to them and not giving advice – because if you provide a person with the loving space to do it, they can solve most of their problems on their own, through their own guiding light.  And it’s true – we can.  We have the inner strength and guidance to do it. Jonny can do it, I know he can.  I can too.  But I have to let him do it on his own.  And so this morning, instead of texting him, I walked to the top of this hill and watched the Long Time Sun rise over the lake and I stood there and just cried.  I cried as I held him in my heart and just hoped that he could feel my loving coming through.  I didn’t know what else to do except to send love and strength to him and to cry for him, for me, for this bruitful life and for this entire process.  And a process it is.  Somedays life feels manageable.  Other days it still feels scary and sad.  Today was one of those days. So with that....may the long time sun shine upon me, upon you, upon all of us.....

May the long time sun shine upon you

All love surrounds you

And may the pure light within you

Guide your way on…..

October is here....and so is school!

I’ve been telling myself for months now that life was going to get easier in October.  I've been telling myself this even back in Mexico, even before the big breakup happened.  I don’t know why October has had this magical feeling to it, but it just has.  I think that it is mainly because I didn't feel very balanced or centered within myself last year, and because of that I wasn't as nice or loving as I could have been to the people around me.  So I knew that when I started school in October that it would help to balance me out and that I would become a more wonderful Elsie again, and I was really excited to be able to take what I would learn, apply it in a positive way and share that positivity with others - especially with Jonny. And so a few weeks after the breakup did occur, I began to get anxiety as I would look into the future and see the long year ahead of me without Jonny, and so I made a short term goal for myself about October and continued to tell myself to “Just make it to October, life will be better then.”  And seeing that the date is now October, 3^rd – I've apparently made it!  And, life is a little bit better than it was in July, which means that I am indeed moving forward.  The thing is, nothing feels radically different yet like I was hoping it would, as it has actually been a rather rough start to the month, but here’s to hoping it gets better….it is a long month you know, so I've got 31 days to get lucky. 

I keep praying for a miracle to occur this month, a shower of blessings, a grand awakening, or all of the above.  I’m not sure what it is going to be, but I’m really hoping that something great happens, because currently the only grand awakening that I’ve had thus far is the discovery of no-chip, gel nail polish.  And while I’m loving the fact that my polish no longer chips two hours after I have just put it on, that wasn’t quite the awakening I was looking for. 

One big thing that I do know is coming is that I’m starting my grad program on Friday.  This is probably the real reason why I’ve been so excited for October for all of these months, because by starting school I’m finally doing something for me again, for my development, and for my upliftment, learning and growth, and all of this equates to me becoming better.  I’m going to school at the University of Santa Monica for a Master’s in Spiritual Psychology.  It is a two year program where I fly out to CA for one weekend a month.  We have class Fri evening, and all day Saturday and Sunday.  It is going to be a lot of travel and a huge commitment, but I’m confident that it is going to be worth it.  And I know that through this I am going to transform and change for the better and hopefully help better the lives and relationships around me as well - that is the goal at least....

I received my books for the first quarter the other day and got so excited about them that I laid them all out on my bed and took a picture.  I’ve never been so excited for school to start before, but with these books how could you not be?  These are like the perfect books for me to be reading right now in my life, and how great is it that they were assigned to me through school?  This means that I will actually read them and probably finish them!  It seems like a lot of pages to read in one quarter, but from what I understand reading is the name of the game in grad school, so it’s about time I get playing.

Many people have asked me “What is a Master’s of Spiritual Psychology?  And what the heck are you going to do with that?”  I have never known how to explain it, but I just received an email from a recent graduate of the program and I felt that he explained it perfectly, so I am copying and pasting it here, so that you all will understand the journey that I am about to embark on.

     “The University of Santa Monica is the closest thing in the "real world" to Jedi training. Much like the seemingly magical guardians of peace in the galaxy from Star Wars, University of Santa Monica students are trained to harness the depths of their compassion, acceptance, intuition, wisdom, inner knowing, and above all else, Unconditional Love. However, there is a major caveat: the students do not train to become "more" loving or "more" compassionate. One of the main premises of the University is that it is impossible to become more of what is our very nature. I quote a poem from Rumi that is very much in unison with our teachings: "Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." Spiritual Psychology would add one more part to this poem: "And then dissolve them, resolve them, and heal them."

     I would invite you to visualize, if you will, how much you could get done in your day if you were not triggered by the "little things." I would invite you to dream of how clear and peaceful every day would be if that one thing that has bothered you your whole life (yes, that thing you're thinking of), no longer bothered you. I would invite you to picture what life would be like if that one person that drives you absolutely insane (yes, that one), was looked at as a blessing in your life instead of an obstacle. I would invite you to imagine if every single thing in your life that disturbed your peace was reframed as an opportunity to learn, grow, and heal.

     It's about here where most people cash-out, because they believe this is impossible. I don't blame them one bit. If this is you, I empathize, and I understand. I was that person, without a doubt.

     But, now I invite you to add one more formula to the equation. What if you spent, within two years, over 600 hours learning and applying the tools to work on those issues? What if you had dozens upon dozens of tried-and-true psychological techniques at your disposal? What if you had 255 willing and accepting students to experientially (not hypothetically or theoretically) work with you on those techniques? Lastly, what if you had the support and guidance of the wisest professors on the planet, a top-notch staff, and massive fleet of volunteers whose sole purpose was to support you?

     USM students have one thing in common: they are some of the most courageous people on the planet. They are people who have decided to face their greatest fears, their most insurmountable obstacles, and their biggest adversaries by laying down their swords and truly owning that any perceived struggle is within themselves. They have taken responsibility for all (yes, all) of their blames and victimizations and decided to work on the places inside that are hurt, rather than to believe that the world, or others in it, are the causes for their unhappiness.

     In two years, I have seen some of the most profound shifts in consciousness imaginable. In the spirit of speaking candidly and frankly, I will give some examples. I have seen victims of child abuse switch off the blame. I have seen miserable marriages turn into the definition of romance. I have seen trapped spouses leave abusive partners. I have seen artists become business people, business people become artists, doctors learn to play the guitar, lawyers actually showing up to work happy, and other such miracles. I have seen a conversation based upon heart-centered listening lead to complete freedom, and the most jaded and cynical egoist become a connected, whole, and peaceful being—that one refers to me, of course!

     What did my two years look like? In a nutshell: Joy, laughter, smiles, tears, high-fives, and hugs. The laughter of a perfectly-timed joke in a large-group sharing. The elevation of an entire classroom at a shared experience. The wide-eyes of a classmate who received an awareness through a quote, story, or anecdote. But, above all else, the love of a community that knows that the power to receive the answers to the big three questions, "Who am I?" "What is my purpose?" and "How can I make a more meaningful contribution?" comes from within.

     Plain and simple: USM is where miracles happen. Or, rather, it is where we train to bring out the miracles from within ourselves.”

So there we go, maybe I just answered my question of wanting a miracle.  Maybe by stepping foot in the door on Friday I’ll be embarking on the journey to finding the very own miracle within myself…..

Vamos a Ver.....   The blessings already are.