Woah Els...you still miss him....

Today I was blog stalking and was reading Jayne's blog and the song "The Luckiest" by Ben Folds (whose concert I just went to on Sunday) came on. The song is so sweet and simple and is about how he is in love with this girl and sees her face everyday and knows that he is the luckiest...and it made me cry so hard. Like the kind of crying where you stomach heaves in and out and your body just shakes. I haven't cried this hard in a few weeks - I think that I have been trying to distract myself with everything else in my life besides the fact that I just recently got divorced. I've been hanging out with friends and going dancing and to concerts and going out of town and planning for Belize and trying not to think about Tyler and how much I miss him. And then I heard this song and I couldn't distract myself any longer and had to just let myself cry and be really sad. I realized that "wow...I really miss him....so so much."

Tomorrow we will have been divorced for a month and it feels like that day was forever ago. Sometimes I still feel like I am grasping for something to hold on to, cause I still feel like my life is spiraling out of control. It is such a strange feeling to be so distracted, but to have this weird, underlying sadness with me wherever I go - only for it to creep up on me when I least expect it and have it explode when I hear a sweet song about a guy being the luckiest man in the world cause he found someone to spend the rest of his life with....and I think....does he miss me too? Does he break down when hes alone? He has to right....I mean hes human....but then again, he is Tyler....so who knows if he misses me. But I miss him....I miss his touch and his hands and his thick calloused fingers and short little finger nails. I miss his kisses and the warmth of his breath and the feeling of his body snuggled up next to mine. I miss not hearing about his day and the way he so lovingly called me Elsa. I miss feeling so comfortable with him and giggling with him and seeing his smile. I miss all the little things - I miss the life that we had together. And I know that it doesn't get me anywhere to dwell on the past, cause that is over now....but at the same time I think that it is ok to do every once and awhile. Its funny how my brain only remembers the good things and so easily pushes out how much of an asshole he was the last three months of our marriage. Regardless, I miss him - asshole tendencies and all.

I'm going to BELIZE!!!

Last week I applied for a volunteer internship program in Belize and I found out on Friday that I was accepted to the program! I am so excited as volunteering and living in another country is something that I have always wanted to do - however I have always had too many ties and haven't been able to go. But now I am not tied to anything....I'm not in a relationship, I'm not employed, I'm not in school....so I figured now is as good as time as ever for me to get the hell outta dodge and have an adventure.

My program starts May 3 and I will be there until June 1. I wanted to stay longer than a month, however I don't think that I can afford it - but being there for a month should be a good amount of time. I am going by myself and will be living with a host family. I am going through an organization called ProWorld and they seem to be pretty legit. I really like them because their volunteer/intern programs are all set up by people who actually live in the country, instead of it being set up by Americans who go in and are like "you need our help....we are going to help you..." I will work five days a week and then on the weekends will go on amazing excursions throughout Belize. I was reading about one excursion that I will be taking and the description is as follows: "You will go to Actun Tunichil Muknal cave where you will first swim in through the cave entrance where you follow an underground river as it snakes its way through the cave, taking the path traveled hundreds of years ago by Mayan priests. You will then climb your way into a large chamber. As you make your way through to the end of the chamber you will pass Mayan pottery as well as skeletal remains. This adventure is one of the best in Belize and is only recently getting the exposure it deserves." SOUNDS AMAZING RIGHT???

As of right now I am not quite sure what type of volunteer work I will be doing - however I do know that the coordinators down there will set me up according to my experience and skills and how I can best use those to serve others. I'll keep ya'll updated as my plans progress....

Another good thing about this whole Belize deal is that it is a great way for me to explain to others what I am currently doing with my life. Meaning that it is so incredibly awkward for me when I run into acquaintances in Duluth and they ask me one of the following questions:

1. Why are you in Duluth? What are you doing home?
2. Hows married life?
3. How is Tyler? Is he here too???

Lately I have been dreading going out to public gatherings because I hate having to explain the entire divorce situation to people. Depending on who I run in to, I answer with either a short synopsis of the truth or if I am feeling somewhat drained I just tell people that I am back in Duluth for a bit and then am going to do a volunteer internship in Belize. Whenever I mention Belize it generally sparks some good conversation and takes people away from questioning what the heck I am doing back here....I'm not really sure how the best way to deal with all of this is - but I think that I am doing the best that I know how in the moment....I'm trying anyway.

The picture above is of the great blue hole in Belize. It is a limestone sinkhole that is 412 feet deep and is a huge snorkeling/scuba diving attraction - I think that it's pretty amazing - and I am excited to see it in person :-)

Lake Superior

Yesterday I took Gracie down to Lake Superior and we took a huge walk along the shore. While walking next to the water I was reminded of how much I really do love this city and how incredible the lake is. The waves were really coming in and crashing up against the rocks and as I stood there with the mist spraying my face I felt surrounded with this feeling of strength and peace. There is something so powerful about this lake - it has a tremendous amount of energy - it is hard to explain, but it just does....

One thing that I love about Duluth is that anywhere you are in the city you can always see Lake Superior.....it is so beautiful and I realized that I really missed that when I was away in Kirksville. I decided today that if the people from Kirksville could move and live in Duluth - life would be great, because then I would have the best of both worlds! :-)

P.S. Today I officially changed my name back....Elsie Storm is here to stay and good thing too, cause lets be honest....Storm is way cooler than Callahan :-)