My Solstice Surprise

Yesterday, on Solstice, on the darkest day of the year, I found myself being blessed with so much light.  Yesterday, my friends rallied for me and came together and surprised me with a “Celebration of Elsie” gathering and it was the sweetest thing ever.  I had no idea that they were doing this and instead just thought that I was going out with my friend Laura for a glass of wine to celebrate the fact that she was going out for the first time without her tiny little baby.  I tried to invite other friends along with us so that Laura could have a fun girls night out, but they all turned me down, or didn’t respond, so I just thought “well that is ok, I just get a little extra quality time with Laura then!”.  Little did I know that my friends were all in on it and would all be waiting there for me upon my arrival. 

I arrived at the restaurant and as I walked in, I saw my sweet girlfriends sitting there and I was so surprised.  They said that they all came together on Solstice, the darkest day of the year, to help bring some extra light and love to my life when I needed it most.  And I did, I needed it so much, especially these past few weeks.  I’ve been really down lately and have been wondering when I’ll ever get through this darkness.  And so when these ladies came together for me and shared their light with me, it made me feel so valued, so worthy, so loved.  They read me cards and notes that they had written for me and reminded me of how loved I am.  They said sweet things like “these words of encouragement that I’m sharing with you, are all words that you’ve shared with me once before, and now I’m just giving them back to you.”  They made me laugh and smile and giggle and I felt so honored that all of these amazing women came together for me.

When I saw my mom this morning and told her about the surprise, I started to cry, and then she started to cry, and then we read over the cards again and both just cried.  As tears were running down her cheeks, she said “I’m so proud of your friends and I’m so grateful for them, you needed this so much, it has been so hard to see you so sad, and I’m so glad they did this for you.” I couldn’t have said it better myself.  You girls rallied for me and shined your brilliant, bright, beautiful light with me, and helped to remind me that there is this light within me that still shines too.  If I were to have received nothing more for Christmas than what you all gave me last night, that would have been more than enough.  I’m so thankful.  I love you. 

Night Skiing

In Minnesota, when daylight savings time hits the days get dark….like really dark.  The sun has been setting here around 4:20 for the past week or so and will continue to do so for at least another few weeks.  The early darkness messes with my mindset and even if it is 4:30 in the afternoon, because of the fact that it is dark out, my thoughts tend to sound something like “well it’s dark, the day is done, I can’t go partake in outdoor activities anymore, because it is dark and bedtime is just around the corner”.  What bullshit, right?!  Just because it is dark doesn’t mean that my day is over….and I learned that today when my friend called me and asked me to go cross country skiing with her….. 

We left around 4:00, just as the sun was beginning to set and when we showed up at the ski trails, they looked something like this.....

Absolutely gorgeous.  The trails were lit and we skied for over an hour – which proved to me that hello, I can still partake in activity, even if it is dark out....

While I was skiing, I flashed back to the time when Tyler first told me that he wanted a divorce and we were back home in MN for Christmas.  I remember that after hearing the news I didn’t do anything besides lay down - on the couch, the living room floor or my bed.  I was in so much shock that I couldn’t do anything besides just lay there.  Finally, my mom decided that I needed to move my body and get fresh air, so she started taking me skiing everyday while I was home.  And it helped, at least a little.  There is something so grounding about being in the woods in the dead of winter.  The cold air is harsh and unforgiving, but the silence and beauty of the snow-laden woods is so peaceful that it just seems to wrap me up in a way that makes me strongly feel like I will be ok.   And so tonight as I was skiing quietly through the woods, I was reminded of similar ski outings like this only five years ago when I was also heartbroken and sad, and I realized that even though back then when I never thought that I would heal from the devastation of my divorce, that healing did eventually take place.  And as soon as I recognized that, then the saying “This too shall pass” came into me and struck a deep chord.  I realized that at some point this grieving over Jonny will also pass.  I don’t know how, and I don’t know when, especially because this feels so much sadder than the Tyler situation ever did, but when that message came to me tonight, it just resonated so strongly within me that this situation, yes, this too shall pass. 

I needed that reminder tonight.  That reminder that eventually I will be ok – because what choice do I have but to go on?  I don’t know how this will all resolve, I don’t know why we have to go through this now….I just do know that someday, eventually, I will be ok again – however that looks and whatever that means.  And right now to be totally honest, I don't feel like I am ok all of the time, I’m sad, and I really still miss him a lot, and his silence kills me and frustrates me (we are trying this whole "lets not communicate thing" to see if that helps, but I don't think it does, because while it does hurt at times when we do communicate, it hurts me a hell of a lot more when I don't hear from him), but I'm trying to tell myself that it’s ok, because there is a learning lesson tied into this all.  If nothing else I am learning to love myself again and am gaining so much compassion and empathy for those who are also dealing with heartache and depression.  In case I didn’t understand depression before, I get it now, loud and clear.  In Spiritual Psychology we are learning that “Physical-world reality exists for the purpose of Spiritual Evolution; thus all of life is for learning and growing spiritually.”  At times this growth can be terrifying, as I don’t know what is going to happen or where it is going to lead, but I do know that it is teaching me how to surrender, how to look to a higher power and how to call in that love and the light.  I’m definitely growing spiritually, but sometimes (ok all the time) I just wish it didn’t have to be such a freaking process.    But if it weren’t such a hard process then I have a feeling that wherever I am going wouldn’t be as gratifying once I got there.  I guess they never did say that spiritual growth would be easy….just that I would be given lots of opportunities for learning and healing in order to get there….  Spiritual Psychology also says that “Unresolved issues are blessings as they are opportunities for healing”.  So apparently according to that, I’m being graced with blessings and lots of them.  Maybe I should be more grateful?  I guess so, I’ll work on it…and maybe I should also work on embracing " the fool in me" more....  My favorite blog Momastery just posted this and I loved it....

“I must learn to love the fool in me–the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of my human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my Fool.”
Theodore Isaac Rubin (born 1923);
psychiatrist, author

Doing hard things

As I write this, I am currently stranded in Minneapolis due to the blizzard that began last night and continued through the morning, afternoon, and evening encompassing us all in a silent, white, impassable beauty. 

I came down here to attend a surprise baby shower for my friend Becky and saw her and some other friends while I was here.  It was good for me to see them, as these are people that really know me, and I felt like I was able to let down my guard a little bit when I was around them this weekend.  I’ve been working on being more vulnerable with my friends again and allowing myself to just open up and cry when I need to, which has felt hard, but good at the same time.  I think for a while there I didn’t want to talk about my pain for fear of crying, but what I’ve realized is that it is important for me to be able to talk about it and it is important for them to hear it and to see those tears.  It is important that I allow myself to just feel right now, because so much of this feels scary - which makes me want to hide it.  But when I allow myself to be vulnerable with myself and with my friends, it then becomes a little less scary because their love, strength and words of wisdom help to support me, and makes me feel a little less alone in all of this.  It seems as if I am being worked so hard right now with this process, that I feel like eventually I have to arrive at some type of tipping point where I will be able to break through to some resolution of peace inside of me.  Or at least that is what I hope.  But I really do hope that I am coming to a place where I can begin to relax and naturally breathe deeply, without having to remind myself to take a conscious breath, because I will have finally reached a point where I won’t be holding my breath so often in fear of what is coming next. 

But I haven’t found that peace yet, as the Christmas season is bringing with it not only a little extra stress but some anxiety as well.  Thoughts ruminate through my head such as where are Jonny and Ollie going to be?  What are they doing?  What will this Christmas look like?  I would love to know.  But when I really slow down to think about what my Christmas will look like, I know that it will be beautiful - I’m sure of that.  Though, intermixed within that joy and love of this holiday, there will be a bit of sadness there as well and I know that I need to make that ok.  And it will be ok.  I will have my family around me, and they llooovveee me, and they know that this is hard for me, but they also know that I can do hard things, as I have done much harder things than this in the past.  Reminder to self: I can do hard things. Christmas might be hard, but I can do it, I've done it before.  And they know, and I know, that it will be a good lesson in teaching me how to dig deep, into the pathways of my heart, to find the courage and the compassion to stay present and celebrate joyfully, and to find some mother freaking Christmas cheer, regardless of the situation at hand.  And so while there is sadness, there is also a lot of space for joy, love and gratitude, even if I have to remind myself to get in touch with it and breathe it in - I know that it is always present, and that goodness will only grow stronger if I let it…..and so I might as well do what it takes to let it…or attempt to anyway….

And so I think that the point of this is the reminder that we can all do hard things.  Even when that little voice inside of us doesn't want to. We can do these hard things, and we will, for it doesn't serve us to play small.  And so honestly, one of my hard things that I am currently looking at today, includes just getting through the Christmas season.  Some things that will help with that are: trusting in the process, taking deep breaths, hugs, friends, family time, cookies, spiced eggnog, and going to Zumba to let loose and burn off said cookies and nog….

Becky's Blizzard Baby shower....

A moment of sincere happiness with friends. 

Embracing the darkness

“One of the wonderful things about having adversity and difficulties and challenges is they will often show you a deeper love, a deeper strength -- something valuable that you didn't know existed, until whatever it took to overcome the challenges shows you what you didn't know about yourself, and what you were seeking.

That's a blessing.”

- John Morton

When I went to school in the beginning of November, I left the weekend feeling like I was flying high.  Life felt good, I went and played with my friend Greta in Oregon, we hand tons of fun, and then I went to a work conference in WA, entered real life and I crashed.  Hard.  I think that it is safe to say that I became officially depressed in November (not like I wasn’t depressed from July-now, but it seemed to get worse this past month).  For some reason in November, I felt like I should have been over all of this already, that I should be happy and embracing life and be over Jonny – I thought to myself, it has been 4 months already, I shouldn’t be so freaking sad – why can’t I just be FINE already?  But I couldn’t just be fine, and I can understand a little bit more now as to why I still can’t be just fine quite yet….

This time when I went to school, I didn’t leave the weekend feeling like I was flying high, which I think is a good sign.  I instead left the weekend feeling balanced, centered and very aware of the sadness, but with a better awareness and acceptance of how I can look at it and manage it.  I learned a lot this weekend and was reminded of some really important concepts – concepts such as It is OK to still be really sad….it has ONLY been 4 MONTHS….I was ridiculously in love with this guy for 4 YEARS, so just give it some more time.   I was reminded of this over and over again and by the end of the weekend, I think that it finally got through to me to have a little more compassion for myself and where I am at with all of this, because where I am right now with all of this is actually just fine.  I’m doing the best that I can and it is important that I remember to remind myself of the good things that I am doing such as exercising, showering, eating, meditating, working, having friends and brushing my hair and teeth before I go out with them, etc.  The hair brushing and showering doesn’t happen all the time, but the good news is that it is freakin’ cold in MN so hats are real stylish right about now….which is definitely in my favor…and all of this means that I am making progress and so I need to recognize and congratulate myself for that….which is something that I haven’t been doing enough of….

I learned this weekend that an interesting thing about grief is that one must cry all of their tears before they will ever be done grieving, and that this needs to be made ok, whatever the process for this is.  They said that if we don’t allow ourselves to cry all of our tears now, that we will have to cry them later – and sometimes that later can be 20 years down the road for people because they hold their grief with them for that long, until they finally can’t hold it anymore and they have to release it.  We were told that it is always best to express our sad emotions that are present, rather than trying to bottle them up, because we want to be able to resolve the issue now, that way it doesn’t have to come back to us again in the future.

What a relief to find that out.  Whew.  I was starting to get worried about all of this crying that I was still doing, but now I know…I still have more tears left to cry, and not only is that ok, but it is healthy because I am doing it now instead of later.  Thank goodness too, because I know with December hitting and Christmas coming, that the tears probably won’t be stopping anytime soon…but now that I know this, I feel better about it and a little less judgmental about the whole “oh great, I’m breaking down and crying in the middle of the day again” thing…. because now I know that with every cry it just means that it is slowly helping me to release the pain. 

I also learned that we finally stop crying when we come to a place of peace where we are able to resolve the issue within.  And we can get to this place through compassionate self-forgiveness and by giving love to the places inside that hurt, for healing is applying loving inside to the places that hurt.

Earlier this month I felt like I had stopped applying the loving to the places that hurt and instead I was just kind of going numb.  And I was, because for a while there I just hurt so much that I didn’t know what to do, so I spent a lot of time staring at the walls, just trying to go numb, because I thought maybe that would help.  I was so wrong.  Note to self: numbly staring at the walls, never helps. This weekend I reinforced that note, as I learned that it is important not to get into the pattern of numbing ourselves, because when we do that we don’t allow ourselves to feel the pain – yet it is so important that we must feel the pain, and to do so it takes a lot of courage and risk to look at it.  But if we don’t take the risk to look at it now, we will always have to look at it later.  So I decided that I can’t allow myself to go numb anymore and that I need the courage and the honesty to look at what is true.  Because we can’t be numb and be true at the same time, for numbness is just masking what is true.  And perfect vulnerability is perfect perfection, so I need to allow myself to go to that deep place inside that is really scared and bring compassion and vulnerability to it.  Even when the truth hurts, it is hurting in a way that is also showing me how to grow, how to dig deep, and how to take deep breaths so that I can remember that I am alive and can continue to keep carrying on.

And so, as the days only continue to get shorter and darker from here until Solstice on December 21st (the MN sun set at 4:21 today – it is dark), I know now that I just have to keep going through the darkness and embracing it with love, because I also know that I have a great light to bear, and that light will ultimately lead me through this all.  And I know that I can’t give up yet, because somewhere amongst all this hardship, I am coming upon a great lesson – a lesson of learning how to love myself through it all.  There are no mistakes, just lessons to be learned.  Hard, effing lessons – but lessons and blessings indeed.

Barusch Bashan – The Blessings Already Are. 

Making it through

With the steady beat of a heart

My body grows colder each day,

Without the warmth of your hands

Or the glow of the sun to heat me

This pace isn’t letting up

But yet I’m still standing here…

Wondering how you got so far away

Where I can’t touch you, or feel you.

My grip loosens and bends

Learning how to let go,

But not understanding why I must,

Its too confusing you see…

The memory of a love that once also had so much pain

Flickers to remind me that it is still here.

But with the steady beat of a heart

I know I must brave the valleys and the peaks

To warm my body without you,

I just need to figure out how 

I’m going to make it through this year...

Yet in one way or another, 

Poco a poco, pequeños pasos....

little by little, small steps....

I am finding a way to pick up my heart
and arrive.  

 Mujer corazón viajero 

On being Thankful...

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!  My last post was a sad one, but since then I have been on the upside of this roller-coaster called life and am starting to feel better about things today.  I read somewhere that when people move into an awareness of gratitude that it is hard for them to be in  an upset state at the same time.  I see this to be true most of the time as finding things to be grateful for really does help to switch my energy around to a more positive mindset.

This Thanksgiving (and all Thanksgivings) I can always find 100’s of things to be thankful for, but to keep it short this year I am just going to name 10 in no particular order, nor are they necessarily the most important – but they are what I came up with right now:

1. I’m so thankful for my family.  And not just my immediate family, but my extended family as well.  They have all been so supportive of me throughout the past few months (not to mention my entire life) and I feel incredibly lucky to be part of such an amazing group of people.

2. I’m grateful for my friends – all of them.  Yet I’m also so thankful to the ones who understand this situation, about what is going on, about why Jonny and I are each in so much pain.  And I'm also thankful for those who don't know all of the details about this, but don't really need to, because you still support us and care for us anyway.  I’m also thankful to those friends who read my blog and have empathy, those who talk to me about it sometimes, who write me little love notes and encouraging messages once and awhile, instead of just reading it and not saying anything.  I’m grateful for those friends who check in with me, who check in with Jonny, who continue to show their love.  Thank you for that, it doesn’t go unnoticed and is so incredibly appreciated and helps more than you know.

3. I’m super thankful for laughter.  It’s so fun.  So healing.  So good for my soul.  USM is also all of these things too – I’m thankful for that as well.

4. I’m thankful for my house, for the food that we will eat tomorrow and for the fact that I have limitless options for food to buy and consume.  I missed that a lot in Latin America, as I rarely had access to organic food, fancy cheese, exotic spices, brown sugar, good wine and more.  Now I have too much access to it, as America loves to over-consume, but still I’m glad I have it, because come on – who doesn’t love a good chunk of Camembert on a toasted baguette with a glass of Petite Syrah?  I wasn’t getting that in Mexico, that’s for sure.  So thank you America for all of your fun and fabulous food options.

5. I’m thankful to have a job, and as much as I don’t like it sometimes, I know that I am really lucky to have a job and to have a good one at that – and so I’m thankful.  And as lonely as it is to work from home, I’m also thankful that I get to make my own schedule, have lazy mornings and not have to wear high heels or uncomfy dress clothes ever.

6. I’m thankful to be surrounded by beautiful nature again.  I missed green space a lot while I was in Oaxaca and it feels good to be back in the land of fresh air, water and trees.  With that, I’m so thankful that I can drink water out of the tap again….drinking only bottled water was getting real old…especially to me due to the amount of water that I feel like I need to be consuming all the time.

7. I’m thankful for my health and my family’s health.  For the most part we are all doing good – it’s a real blessing for sure.

8. I’m thankful for all of the experiences that I have had thus far in my life, whether good or bad, they have all brought me to where I am now.  For example, if I hadn’t gotten divorced from Tyler I would have never gone to Belize, and consequently to Peru, Mexico, Guatemala, Cuba, etc. etc….I wouldn’t have learned about pain, empathy and compassion, and I wouldn’t have met Jonny and had all of those amazing experiences with him….which brings me to #9 which is….

9. I’m thankful for Jonny.  He has been one of the greatest teachers in my life thus far and continues to be one.  As hard as this has all been, I’m thankful for it.  I’m thankful for every experience I have had with him, including this one, as I know that this one is helping me to work through some major lessons and ultimately bringing me to a better place.  I would probably be even more thankful for this particular experience if we were to get back together….but you know, whatever, I still have gratitude for it, as well as for him and Jonny being who he is...

10.  I am so grateful for my connection to my spirituality and to God.  It helps me so much to know that all of this is happening for my highest good and that I'm being completely held and taken care of.....no matter what.

If you made it this far thanks for reading through my cheesy post and Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!

Writers Block

I’ve had a bad spell of writers block lately. 

Not knowing how to access my emotions and share them with you here - openly, freely, and creatively….

I’ve been feeling numb.

Numbness blocks my creativity.

It doesn’t allow for the words to flow, and it makes things feel mushy and heavy and hard.

But tonight I’m trying to break through the numbness and instead of just staying in it, taking active steps forward, onwards and OUT.

Steps like writing – even if I don’t feel like it.

These small steps allow me to make progress and help me get better.

"Your only as sick as your secrets" they say, so I figure that I might as well share mine....

My secret is that although I hide it well somedays, I'm still really quite sad. 

You see, I’m starting to enjoy life more.

Or at least I am on the outside. 

For those who don’t know me well enough, you see me as that happy-go-lucky, fun gal to hang out with.  I'm fairly social.  I'm staying busy.

I appear to be better.

For the most part... 

However, those who know me well – you know better than that. 

You know that there is still this heavy sadness that seems to stay with me wherever I go. 

A sadness that I can’t seem to shake, so at times I go numb so that I can at least try to function. 

Try being the key word.

The past few days I have found myself moving slowly and getting stuck in one spot where I will just sit

and sit

and sit

and stare

and think

and sit some more. 

This usually happens at night. 

I’m not sure what I’m waiting for – but I get lost in my thoughts….

Lost in my sadness….

My heart and my bed feel lonely.

And so I will just sit there to avoid the loneliness of having to go to a bed where I no longer am the little spoon. 

Letting the tears trickle slowly….down….my….cheeks….

Yet after a while there is this voice that always shows up inside to urge me along, into bed.

And so I listen to that voice of wisdom and crawl into bed, lonely and hungry, but knowing that I must carry on….

And carry on I have, as I try to face this broken heart.

I’m working on applying loving inside to the places that hurt.

I’ve been able to recognize, acknowledge and express images of my own self-worth.

It’s been hard – but progress has been made.

I’ve been trying to believe in myself, in my friends, in my family, in my God and in the trust that this is all happening perfectly.

As it should.

I’m learning to embrace new parts of me that I never liked before.

Like my big, curly hair. 

Its real big.

And curly.

My friends say its pretty. 

I like to trust that I can believe them.

I’m ready for this numbness to leave.

For my creativity to return.

For my happiness to be stable and no longer fleeting.

For my longing to decrease.

He feels it too.  He feels how hard it is.  He knows my pain.  He loves me still.....

Yet nothing is changing.  Within the status of our relationship at least.  There is lots that is changing everywhere else.

But there is still more inner work that needs to be done.  But won't that always be the case?

It’s been four months.  

That feels like a LONG time, yet I need to remind myself that its really not in the whole scheme of things.

Each day I continue to try to choose a path full of compassion, health and wisdom.

Each day I just try to make the next best good choice. 

But somedays I get off track.

Today was one of those days.

So was yesterday.

Yet I know that this numbness….that this too shall pass. 

Tomorrow is a new day. 

Maybe tomorrow I’ll write a happy blog for Thanksgiving – as I know there is much to be thankful for. 

Ok I can do that.

Yet right now, tomorrow is miles and miles away.

So here you are you are stuck with a sad post from today.

One day at a time – I can do that too.

So can you.

Sitting.  Too late at night. With big, messy, curls.  

A letter to Huxley....

Dear Huxley,

I met you today for the first time and you were only three days old and weighed somewhere around a whopping eight pounds.  You were a little guy and oh so sweet and I am so happy that I get to be a part of your life.   When your parents first asked me to be your Godmother a few months back, I remember being so honored, yet so shocked at the same time.  I couldn’t believe that they saw me as worthy enough to play this role in your life, as I saw myself as really struggling with a lot of heart ache and failures, and really didn’t feel all that worthy at all.  But your Momma and Papa said that they saw me as being someone who in fact didn’t fail, but over came life’s challenges gracefully and strongly and that they hoped that I could share that strength and my global experiences on life, love and spirit with you.  When they told me that, I realized that maybe I was doing a better job than I thought and if your parents (who are some of the most amazing people I know) could see me worthy enough of this task, that then maybe I really was doing ok and ready for this responsibility.

Because here is the thing Hux, we are always our own worst critics.  Yet, the people around us never seem to see us as harshly as we tend to see ourselves.  And so I hope that as part of my role with you, that I will always be able to remind you of how worthy, valued, cherished and incredibly loved you are.

When you entered the world on Sunday, November 11, we rejoiced.  We celebrated, we cried tears of joy, your family held you, and kissed you and wrapped you warmly in their loving.  You have been here only three days and yet are already so incredibly loved by your family and all of their friends.  And so my goal is to always remind you of how special you are and how loved - because there may be a day sometime where life is really hard and you will just need someone to come through with a little extra encouragement.  My role here isn’t to parent you, but to help guide you in a different way, a way that helps you to embrace yourself as a unique, divine and spiritual being on your adventure through life.  And of course, my role is to also spoil you with gifts and fun trinkets from other countries and my own adventures, but mainly it is just to be another person who loves you.

When I was holding you today, I thought of how sweet and innocent you were and how we all just want to protect you so that you never get hurt.  But the reality of life is that we have to go through hurt sometimes, because that is how we grow and expand and evolve.  So someday my sweet Huxley something is going to happen that is going to break your heart, but when it does, know that we are all here holding you and cherishing you just as strongly as we did the day you were born.

We probably won’t give this letter to you until you are old and I am REALLY old.  So until then, enjoy the freedom of boyhood.  Enjoy catching frogs, playing trucks with Aldo, jumping off the dock, riding your bike, getting muddy, making forts, learning how to ski, etc. etc.  And someday when you get old we will talk about all of this deep stuff together….but for now, just stay in your sweet innocence for as long as you can.

Thanks for helping to make me feel worthy again Hux – I hope that I can return the favor many times throughout your life.

Welcome sweet boy, welcome.  We love you, stand by you, support you and bless you.

You have my love,
Godmom Els

The Woman I Love

I have such a crush on Jason Mraz.  He is so dreamy....

I found this song on the interweb today and loved it.  This live version is especially good. 

Someday I want to a man to love me like this.  To just love me simply and strongly for who I am, annoying tendencies and all.  And to keep putting his hand behind me and holding me when I fall.  

I love when he says that "it is important for us to remember to love the other person back into being the person we know them to be".   As sometimes we do have those hard days where it is a struggle to see ourselves as a divine, wonderful being, yet it is in those moments when relationships can be so beautiful, because we have that partner there to look past all of our bullshit and to just love us anyway and to remind us of the many reasons why we are so valued and loved....

So for those of you lucky enough to be in relationships, go out and help remind your significant other of their own greatness today.   And while you're at it, don't forget to remind yourself of your own greatness as well....   

Staying Awake

When I lived in Mexico, I never thought that I would miss it the way that I do, but it ends up that I do miss Oaxaca…..a lot.

I just returned home from an International Education Conference in Kansas. 

Kansas is very far from Mexico.

At those types of things, people love to ask you where you are from.  I had to always answer with “Duluth”.

Though, I seemed to always follow-up with “but I just recently moved back from Oaxaca, Mexico”, because the answer of “Duluth” never seemed to satisfy me.

I realized that having lived in Oaxaca gives me significance.  It makes me feel special, whereas Duluth doesn’t.  And when I get to talk about Mexico, it makes me able to miss it a little bit less, so I tend to like to bring it into conversation whenever possible.

I need to process my experience of living there, but I don’t know how.

The loss of Jonny happened at the same time as our transition back to the States and that loss overtook any chance of a healthy transition back and because of that only now am I beginning to process it.  The thing is, the only person that I want to process it with is him.  No one else understands on the same level.  So I end up missing Oaxaca and him together, which seems to make it worse.

Not only do I miss Oaxaca, but Latin America in general.  My heart aches for it and this reverse culture shock is a slow, confusing process, especially because I feel so isolated in it.

At this conference there were also tons of people there from Colorado.

I made friends with 4 people from Fort Collins.  I wished that I was getting on the plane with them back to Denver. 

I secretly envied them for living there.  I wanted to tell all of them that “I was supposed to be there too!!”  But instead I kept my mouth shut, because no one except for me really cares that I was supposed to live there.  The fact is that I’m not living there.  I need to work on living in the present. 

All of this makes me feel confused and like I am still wandering around lost. 

When will this get easier?

I cry in the mornings still – though not every day anymore.  I suppose that part is getting easier.  Thank God too, as I was starting to go through a lot of Kleenex.

This week I read a quote by Tony Robbins, he said “The only thing keeping us from getting what we want is the story that we are telling ourselves for why we can’t have it.”

I realized that I have a lot of limiting stories that I need to work through.  

The hard part is actually working them and letting them go.

I go back to USM next weekend; I’ll try to work them there.

USM gives me hope for the future.

Hope that life will be beautiful again.

Hope that I will love again.

Hope that someday I won’t hurt so much anymore and will no longer wake up with such a tightness in my stomach.

A French Proverb says “Hope is the dream of a soul awake”.

Here’s to hoping I continue to stay awake……

The Long Time Sun

This past weekend in class, our morning sessions would always start with a five minute meditation. During this meditation we were asked to send loving energy to ourselves and anyone else in our lives who could use some peace and love.  These people could be our family members, our friends, people who were distant to us, our enemies, our lovers, soldiers in war, etc. Anyone who we felt needed some extra love.  We would create a chalice in our heart and envision these people in that loving energy.   Whenever we would do that it would make me cry, and it would remind me of this song called “The Long Time Sun” that we always sing at the end of my new Yoga class.  The song repeats itself three times – the first time the message is for you, the second time it is for the people you hold in your hearts, and the third time is for your world.  Every time that we sing it during yoga, this also makes me cry and I end class with tears streaming down my cheeks.

Today I was given the opportunity and reminder to practice what I had learned for how to hold people in our hearts.  I’m not sure on this, but for reasons I can’t get into here on this blog, I think that today might have started out as a scary day for Jonny.  And this morning I woke up feeling nervous for him and I wanted so badly to text him, to say “I love you and support you” because I knew that it would make him feel better, but I also knew that I couldn’t do that, that I would be supporting him more by actually not doing that.  I’m working really hard lately on not interfering in his process and letting his inner wisdom guide him through.  We are also learning this at school – how to let people come to their own conclusions by just listening to them and not giving advice – because if you provide a person with the loving space to do it, they can solve most of their problems on their own, through their own guiding light.  And it’s true – we can.  We have the inner strength and guidance to do it. Jonny can do it, I know he can.  I can too.  But I have to let him do it on his own.  And so this morning, instead of texting him, I walked to the top of this hill and watched the Long Time Sun rise over the lake and I stood there and just cried.  I cried as I held him in my heart and just hoped that he could feel my loving coming through.  I didn’t know what else to do except to send love and strength to him and to cry for him, for me, for this bruitful life and for this entire process.  And a process it is.  Somedays life feels manageable.  Other days it still feels scary and sad.  Today was one of those days. So with that....may the long time sun shine upon me, upon you, upon all of us.....

May the long time sun shine upon you

All love surrounds you

And may the pure light within you

Guide your way on…..

October is here....and so is school!

I’ve been telling myself for months now that life was going to get easier in October.  I've been telling myself this even back in Mexico, even before the big breakup happened.  I don’t know why October has had this magical feeling to it, but it just has.  I think that it is mainly because I didn't feel very balanced or centered within myself last year, and because of that I wasn't as nice or loving as I could have been to the people around me.  So I knew that when I started school in October that it would help to balance me out and that I would become a more wonderful Elsie again, and I was really excited to be able to take what I would learn, apply it in a positive way and share that positivity with others - especially with Jonny. And so a few weeks after the breakup did occur, I began to get anxiety as I would look into the future and see the long year ahead of me without Jonny, and so I made a short term goal for myself about October and continued to tell myself to “Just make it to October, life will be better then.”  And seeing that the date is now October, 3^rd – I've apparently made it!  And, life is a little bit better than it was in July, which means that I am indeed moving forward.  The thing is, nothing feels radically different yet like I was hoping it would, as it has actually been a rather rough start to the month, but here’s to hoping it gets better….it is a long month you know, so I've got 31 days to get lucky. 

I keep praying for a miracle to occur this month, a shower of blessings, a grand awakening, or all of the above.  I’m not sure what it is going to be, but I’m really hoping that something great happens, because currently the only grand awakening that I’ve had thus far is the discovery of no-chip, gel nail polish.  And while I’m loving the fact that my polish no longer chips two hours after I have just put it on, that wasn’t quite the awakening I was looking for. 

One big thing that I do know is coming is that I’m starting my grad program on Friday.  This is probably the real reason why I’ve been so excited for October for all of these months, because by starting school I’m finally doing something for me again, for my development, and for my upliftment, learning and growth, and all of this equates to me becoming better.  I’m going to school at the University of Santa Monica for a Master’s in Spiritual Psychology.  It is a two year program where I fly out to CA for one weekend a month.  We have class Fri evening, and all day Saturday and Sunday.  It is going to be a lot of travel and a huge commitment, but I’m confident that it is going to be worth it.  And I know that through this I am going to transform and change for the better and hopefully help better the lives and relationships around me as well - that is the goal at least....

I received my books for the first quarter the other day and got so excited about them that I laid them all out on my bed and took a picture.  I’ve never been so excited for school to start before, but with these books how could you not be?  These are like the perfect books for me to be reading right now in my life, and how great is it that they were assigned to me through school?  This means that I will actually read them and probably finish them!  It seems like a lot of pages to read in one quarter, but from what I understand reading is the name of the game in grad school, so it’s about time I get playing.

Many people have asked me “What is a Master’s of Spiritual Psychology?  And what the heck are you going to do with that?”  I have never known how to explain it, but I just received an email from a recent graduate of the program and I felt that he explained it perfectly, so I am copying and pasting it here, so that you all will understand the journey that I am about to embark on.

     “The University of Santa Monica is the closest thing in the "real world" to Jedi training. Much like the seemingly magical guardians of peace in the galaxy from Star Wars, University of Santa Monica students are trained to harness the depths of their compassion, acceptance, intuition, wisdom, inner knowing, and above all else, Unconditional Love. However, there is a major caveat: the students do not train to become "more" loving or "more" compassionate. One of the main premises of the University is that it is impossible to become more of what is our very nature. I quote a poem from Rumi that is very much in unison with our teachings: "Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." Spiritual Psychology would add one more part to this poem: "And then dissolve them, resolve them, and heal them."

     I would invite you to visualize, if you will, how much you could get done in your day if you were not triggered by the "little things." I would invite you to dream of how clear and peaceful every day would be if that one thing that has bothered you your whole life (yes, that thing you're thinking of), no longer bothered you. I would invite you to picture what life would be like if that one person that drives you absolutely insane (yes, that one), was looked at as a blessing in your life instead of an obstacle. I would invite you to imagine if every single thing in your life that disturbed your peace was reframed as an opportunity to learn, grow, and heal.

     It's about here where most people cash-out, because they believe this is impossible. I don't blame them one bit. If this is you, I empathize, and I understand. I was that person, without a doubt.

     But, now I invite you to add one more formula to the equation. What if you spent, within two years, over 600 hours learning and applying the tools to work on those issues? What if you had dozens upon dozens of tried-and-true psychological techniques at your disposal? What if you had 255 willing and accepting students to experientially (not hypothetically or theoretically) work with you on those techniques? Lastly, what if you had the support and guidance of the wisest professors on the planet, a top-notch staff, and massive fleet of volunteers whose sole purpose was to support you?

     USM students have one thing in common: they are some of the most courageous people on the planet. They are people who have decided to face their greatest fears, their most insurmountable obstacles, and their biggest adversaries by laying down their swords and truly owning that any perceived struggle is within themselves. They have taken responsibility for all (yes, all) of their blames and victimizations and decided to work on the places inside that are hurt, rather than to believe that the world, or others in it, are the causes for their unhappiness.

     In two years, I have seen some of the most profound shifts in consciousness imaginable. In the spirit of speaking candidly and frankly, I will give some examples. I have seen victims of child abuse switch off the blame. I have seen miserable marriages turn into the definition of romance. I have seen trapped spouses leave abusive partners. I have seen artists become business people, business people become artists, doctors learn to play the guitar, lawyers actually showing up to work happy, and other such miracles. I have seen a conversation based upon heart-centered listening lead to complete freedom, and the most jaded and cynical egoist become a connected, whole, and peaceful being—that one refers to me, of course!

     What did my two years look like? In a nutshell: Joy, laughter, smiles, tears, high-fives, and hugs. The laughter of a perfectly-timed joke in a large-group sharing. The elevation of an entire classroom at a shared experience. The wide-eyes of a classmate who received an awareness through a quote, story, or anecdote. But, above all else, the love of a community that knows that the power to receive the answers to the big three questions, "Who am I?" "What is my purpose?" and "How can I make a more meaningful contribution?" comes from within.

     Plain and simple: USM is where miracles happen. Or, rather, it is where we train to bring out the miracles from within ourselves.”

So there we go, maybe I just answered my question of wanting a miracle.  Maybe by stepping foot in the door on Friday I’ll be embarking on the journey to finding the very own miracle within myself…..

Vamos a Ver.....   The blessings already are.

How do you live your dash?

I just returned home from attending the funeral of my friend’s father.  He died tragically in a plane accident last week and our community is devastated for the family's loss.

I don’t have much to say, except that I am sitting here feeling so humbled right now.  Today my sweet friend faced my (and I’m sure her) biggest fear – attending the funeral of one of your beloved family members.  She was so brave, and poignant, and beautiful.  And I didn’t know what to do, except to show up and love her, hug her, and hold her hand, because what else can we do in situations like these except to just be there and love?

And so yes, I feel humbled, because while I am indeed going through my own personal loss, her loss is so much greater.  And it made me reflect and really tune into all of the many, wonderful reasons that I have to be grateful for in my life.  Ever since I heard of her father’s passing, I feel like I have been walking around with fresh eyes, just feeling grateful for everything that is present for me – because there is so much to be grateful for.

All of it is so humbling - losing my partner, moving back in with my parents, not liking my job, readjusting to a new social scene, living in Minnesota….. I didn’t ask for any of it, yet it showed up in my life for some reason, so I’ve decided to try to come to peace with it, because when it comes down to it, much of what I get upset about on a day-to-day basis is relatively trivial, and there is still a lot in my life to be grateful for and that gratefulness seems like a better focus for now...

The poem below was on the back of the handout today at the funeral and it made me really think about my life and others lives and how we are “living our dash” in this bruitful world.

“I read of a man who stood to speak

at the funeral of a friend.

He referred to the dates on her tombstone

from the beginning...to the end.

He noted that first came the date of her birth

and spoke of the following date with tears,

but he said what mattered most of all

was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time

that she spent alive on earth...

and now only those who loved her

know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own;

the cars....the house...the cash.

What matters is how we live and love

and how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard...

are there things you'd like to change?

For you never know how much time is left.

(You could be at "dash midrange.")

If we could just slow down enough

to consider what's true and real,

and always try to understand

the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,

and show appreciation more

and love the people in our lives

like we've never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,

and more often wear a smile...

remembering that this special dash

might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy's being read

with your life's actions to rehash...

would you be proud of the things they

say about how you spend your dash?”  ~Linda Ellis

For me, right now, I am living my dash by continuing to go forward trying to find the blessings in everything that life brings.  To find reasons to be grateful for each day.  To keep holding in the loving for my friends, my family and for Jonny and myself.  To be gentle with myself and the process of healing and to continue to extend my unconditional loving to Jonny from afar.  To continue to hold hope in the belief of miracles and love.  To appreciate mother nature and this adventure called life. To share laughter when it is present, spend quality time with the people I love, and to trust that all of this is playing out perfectly as it should. To embrace my imperfections, because Lord knows I have many....And finally, to live my dash in loving service, because I truly believe that the more loving that we extend into this world, the more that comes back to us in return....

I’m holding in my loving today for me, for all of you and especially for Katie.

How are you living yours?

My past two months in lines...

It has been two months since Jonny and I broke up – here is a little of what I’ve been up to and how I’ve been doing since then:

I moved back into my parent’s house, and this time not for a few weeks, but for several months at least.

I love them and appreciate their home – but at age 28, at times it feels a bit overwhelming.  It definitely hit me that I'm not going to Colorado, or back to Oaxaca for that matter.  I miss Oaxaca.

I still haven’t fully unpacked from Mexico and that disorganization screams at me from every nook and cranny.

I’ve cried everyday since July 24th.

Some days the tears run gently down my cheeks, other days they escape out like a waterfall as my stomach heaves in and out grasping for air, and sometimes they fall somewhere in the middle – a brief cry that lasts a few moments and then ends as quickly as it came.

I have discovered that my tears bring forth a sense of vulnerability and so I no longer try to hide them, it doesn’t matter when or where, I just let them come.

These tears bring forth a vulnerability in others as well, as I think they make people’s hearts soften just a little.

I've started reading countless "self-help" books.

I haven't finished one of them.  Maybe thats part of my problem.... But I mean, come on, does anyone ever really finish reading those things?

I’ve dreamt of Jonny almost every single night.  Sometimes Tyler sneaks into those dreams too – that’s when things get really crazy.  It appears that the grief from both of these situations is overlapping.

I spent a week in Philadelphia for work and was miserable the entire time.

It was there where I felt incredibly lonely and when I realized how grateful I am to be going through this loss close to home where I can lean on my family and friends.

I went to San Francisco twice for work.

The first time was so hard.  The second time was still hard, but was not quite as bad - because I made a new friend out of one of my colleagues.

My colleague and I laughed a lot.  I forgot how good it feels to laugh and laugh and laugh.  It was so healing, and by the end of the trip, after multiple days of giggles and jokes, I felt a little lighter.

A month ago I started running again.

I bought new running shoes because my old ones had holes in them.  It was a good purchase.  New things in my life are welcomed.

I’ve been to the chiropractor many times.

The acupuncturist too.

And massage therapy.

And Yoga.

Anything to help heal my body and emotions naturally.

I refuse to go to my M.D. – as I know she will only give me drugs.  I will not take drugs right now.

I will heal naturally.

I swam as much as I could before it got too cold.  Water is healing.

So are friends, family and hugs.

I’ve received so many sweet cards and prayers from friends and family.  They made me feel loved and special – thank you.  Prayers and love are still welcomed.

I've seen two different therapists and I’m not too fond of either of them.

Today I told my therapist that I already know everything that she is telling me, so what’s the point of me being there?

Hmm....maybe you should watch your ego Storm….

But then I had a breakthrough.

I realized that I no longer have to be a victim in this – that I can indeed regain some of my power.

I gave Jonny back some of his power today – and I took some of mine back as well.

It was effing hard – but I did it.

Maybe therapy is better for me than I realize…

Maybe J will return to me someday and love himself and me fully.  That is still my hope.  And it hasn’t ceased in the past two months.

But if he doesn’t, I know that life will continue on…..but that my story of being a victim doesn’t need to.

I need to change my story.  I have a plan to create a new one that is empowering.

The tears continue to trickle.

The sleep doesn’t come.

Hopefully it will soon.

My life has been flipped.

Expectations have been challenged.

But I know that love will be found.

No matter what…..

Practicing random acts of kindness....

Today has been a hard day.  One of those “one step forward, and three steps back” types of days.  One of those days where prior to this morning I actually felt that I might be getting a little bit better, but then I had this crazy dream and I woke up, and I was slammed backwards and spiraled downwards again.  And I know that this blog has been real heavy as of late – but I can’t seem to lighten up – just not yet, so bear with me. 

This morning, I spoke with Jonny for over two hours and it was both glorious and heartbreaking all at the same time.  This isn’t the first time that we have spoken since our break up – not at all – we have had this strange type of communication where we talk or email occasionally, and it works for us….most of the time.  We love each other and miss each other and are craving to have the understanding that only the other one can provide.  And so we have been in contact here and there, because for the most part it feels good, and trying to cut each other out of our lives cold turkey, just wasn’t working.  But for me, our communication is almost like a drug, it is something that I crave and then when I have it, I feel oh so high, but then at times I come crashing down afterwards – which is what happened today.  And its not like these phone calls are happening all the time - because they’re not – this is the first time that we have spoken in two weeks.  And most of the time I’m fine afterwards, but today I wasn’t, because today our conversation felt somewhat normal almost, because it didn't totally revolve around our breakup.  We talked about school, work, roommates, exercising, reverse culture shock, therapy, etc. etc. we had a relatively normal conversation that was similar to what we would have held in the past and it felt good.  He understood everything, and I understood him, and I realized how much I miss that and how no one in my life here quite gets it the way that he does, and that makes it feel hard. And it is even harder that we can’t be together right now – because as much as he misses me, he knows that he needs to keep listening to that voice inside of him that keeps calling him forward, forcing him to look within.  And as hard as it is to know that, I definitely respect it, and want to continue to support him from afar and still keep that communication going once and awhile, as long as it doesn't hurt us too much.  And so while today did hurt a bit, it was good too, almost like a Catch 22...

And so that’s that and it leaves me here, not liking it, but knowing that reminiscing and flipping through old Facebook pictures of our romantic, adventurous love affair is not helping, so I’m working on letting that go and trying to hold the faith that something better is coming.  Because the thing is, I don’t understand why we have to go through this right now – but I do understand that this is happening for a reason, even though I can’t see it now.  I just hope that this reason, whatever it may be, brings forth lots of blessings and miracles to even out all of this hardship. 

However, throughout all of this hardship, I have been becoming aware of some life lessons that are being brought forward.  This week, it has been the lesson of opening my eyes to others’ pain and acknowledging that not only does it hurt, but also that it is ok for it to hurt and continue to hurt…. I’ve found that when I am grieving, everyone else’s lives seem to go on around me, and while mine does indeed go on as well, it is going on in a slower and sadder way than others.  And for the most part, I think that people seem to forget that grief is a process and that it takes a lot of time to work through and get through.  Because I have been that person, who has comforted others in the moment, but then forgot to check back in a few weeks later, because my life sped by and went on quickly and happily.  But what I am finding now is that when my friends remember to check in and send their love, and acknowledge the fact that I’m not happy yet, nor do I need to be, that it means so much to be on the receiving end of their strength and compassion. 

The other day my friend was responding to an email to me that had nothing to do about breakups or anything of the sort, and at the end of the email he wrote,  “Hope you're doing better. Every day is a challenge, I know. I know it's impossible to see the forest for the trees right now, but you will come out of this stronger and more resilient. And I know it won't affect your trusting other people going forward.”

And I read that and it just made me cry.  Knowing that he was thinking of me and sending some strength my way, meant so much.  He didn’t need to end his email with that, but he took the time to add in those four extra sentences, and those sentences made me feel loved, and I need that love right now, because I am struggling to dig it up within myself.  And so we never know when our practicing of random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty are going to mean the world to someone and help take them from going over the edge.  And not that I was about to go over the edge when I read his email that night, but I was struggling, and he helped to bring me out of the aloneness and pull me back to the reality of “oh right, people really do care about me.”

So my main lesson that I have taken from this week is to just keep our eyes open to how we can be there for other people and to not feel self conscious about it.  To not let those opportunities of kindness pass us by because our life is moving too quickly.  We need to remember to slow down and look around at who needs us and then give them that reassurance that we empathize with them and love them and are holding them in our hearts.  For when we do that, we become better too, and it feels good inside to be able to give of ourselves to others.  And so we must not forget.  And we must not feel like we don't know what to say or how to comfort - because we do know - we just need to listen to the wisdom of our hearts. 

And that is what I’m trying to work on right now.  Because even when I feel as if I don’t have much to give, when I do share my loving with others, it feels so good and radiates up within me as well.  So I challenge you all if you are still here reading this post, to go forward and help give love and comfort to others in need, even if it is something small, I guarantee that your words and actions will not go unnoticed, nor be forgotten.

 “Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love.” – Lao Tzu