Wild Geese

I am back in my hometown of Duluth, MN. We arrived home late last night and we unloaded my truck, ate a late dinner and then essentially passed out from exhaustion. This has been one hell of a week for me. A little note of advice: don't quit your job, get divorced and move all in one week....it is way too much to handle.

Getting divorced on Tuesday was one of the most emotionally and physically draining things I have ever done in my life. I can't say too much about it, except that it was really sad for the both of us. Tears were shed on both fronts and we both sort of feel like we are going through a death. In some sense we are - it is the death of our marriage and of our hopes and dreams with each other - and because of that and of having to say goodbye to one another we are both sad. Yes, thats right...I said both....he finally showed me some emotion....

Last week I hardly slept and was having troubles with bouts of insomnia. I think that there was just too much on my mind for me to be able to sleep. However now that I am at my parent's house I am finally able to allow my body to rest and last night I slept for nine hours and it was the most sleep that I have gotten in quite some time.

Today I was thinking about how much I miss Kirksville and how I wish that I were back there like crazy. I woke up this morning dreaming about one of my friends there and I was struck with the harsh reality that it was only and dream and that I will not be back for quite some time. I think that I had really prepared myself to leave Tyler, but I never really took time to process leaving all of my beloved friends behind. My friends in Kirksville became my family while I was there and I currently feel lost without them. Can I come back please :-)

It snowed five inches in Duluth today - big fluffy snowflakes - and with that I can say goodbye to any hope of spring coming soon! It's strange because I currently don't feel at home here in Duluth. I feel at home in my parents house, but this city is no longer home to me and that is taking some getting adjusted to.

Tonight I went to my first ever poetry reading. Mary Oliver who is a Pulitzer Prize winner came to Duluth and a friend asked me if I wanted to go and listen to her read her poems.... I decided that I wanted to go...and I ended up really enjoying it. Below is my favorite poem that she read - I really like it because it seems to encourage the reader to look inside during times of hardship as well as continue to keep looking forward....

Wild Geese
by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

D-Day

Well, today was the divorce and it was hard. I can't really write too much about it right now because I am still trying to wrap my head around it. But I can say that I feel different....a little empty, pretty sad and definitely not married anymore. I am exhausted on all levels - but I survived and thats a good thing. People have been really good to me today and I am so grateful for that....thank you to everyone who has helped to take care of me throughout all of this, I really appreciate it.

The dreaming tree

There is a song by Dave Matthews Band called "The Dreaming Tree" and in the song he says:

"She gave it all she had
But treasures slowly fade
Now she's falling hard
She feels the fall of dark
How did this fall apart
She drinks to fill it up
A smile of sweetest flowers
Wilted so and soured
Black tears stain the cheeks
That once were so admired
She thinks when she was small
There on her father's knee
How he had promised her
You'll always be my baby
Daddy come quick
The dreaming tree has died "

Lately I have been thinking a lot about how what I had always envisioned for my life with Tyler is no longer going to happen. The way that I interpret "The Dreaming Tree" is that it is about how childhood dreams die in the whole growing up process - ideals crushed, hearts broken, innocence lost....

Since the beginning of January I feel like I have grown up a tremendous amount. As March 25th looms closer and closer this whole divorce feels like more and more of a reality. It is really sinking in like "wow, my marriage is going to be over" and with the finality of that, a lot of dreams that I had will be over for the time being as well. It is so strange to think about not continuing on to rotations and residency with him (not that being a wife of a resident was a huge, grand dream of mine - lets be honest here). But important dreams - like having a family and children - are going to have to be put on hold for the time being and that is a tough one for me to swallow right now. I really, really want to have kids and be a mom and it is sad for me to know that right now thats not what is going to happen in my life. But I think that someday it will and that ray of hope for the future is a good one...because good news, I am only 23 and still have a lot of life ahead of me.

Last weekend I had some friends over for dinner and my friend's dad came along. I had never met his dad before and he asked why I was moving back to MN, to which I replied "I am getting divorced." He looked at me with the sweetest look in his eyes and told me the following story. He said "I was once divorced...I was married to my first wife for three years...and it didn't work out. But I can look back on that experience now and see that it worked out for the best, because I had to go through that to be who I am today. Because of my divorce I was able to grow and meet my current wife and make this beautiful family with her. So Elsie, please know that there is hope for the future and that you will be ok. Keep living your life with your heart open and always follow your heart and your inner knowing for that will never lead you astray." As he told me that I had tears running down my cheeks and was so grateful that he had shared his story with me, as well as his profound comments on love and life. It was exactly what I needed to hear, as earlier in the day I was really struggling with the whole lost dreams/family issue. Ever since that night I have been reminding myself to go forward with my heart open and to trust in myself.

Someone told me the other week "Tyler is living his dream (or so he says) - it is now time for you to live yours." So with that, I am working on compiling my new dreams of being a single woman and all of the adventures that I can and will have....it's kind of exciting to think of all the possibilities. And so when I am sad and lonely and freaked out about the divorce and the move, I have been trying to think about all of the opportunities that will come my way.

I will end with one of my favorite quotes:

"I began to have an idea of my life, not as the slow shaping of achievement to fit my preconceived purposes, but as the gradual discovery and growth of a purpose of which I did not know" - Joanna Field, English Psychologist.

Love is a feeling, marriage is a contract, and relationships are work.

Well, where to start....I guess that I will begin with the fact of the matter, which is I am getting divorced. I have decided to explain the situation in a decent amount of detail, as it isn't just as simple for me to say "I'm getting divorced" and move on from there. Just a note of warning: this blog will probably be pretty honest, somewhat raw and have a decent amount of emotion in it - but this is how I feel right now, and I'm not quite sure how else to write it...so here goes...

Over Christmas, Tyler and I went home to Duluth, MN for break. On December 27 he took me to a Starbucks and told me that he no longer wanted to be married to me, he didn't want to talk to me about it, he didn't really want to give me any reasons and that he wasn't willing to work on it. I was in complete shock, as I thought that our newly married life together was great. We had been dating for four years and were married in June.

After hearing the news, I went into shock both physically, mentally and emotionally and felt as if I was grieving the same type of grief that people go through when they experience a sudden death. I couldn't eat, sleep or function - however I knew that I had to leave MN and come back to Kirksville to work and carry on with my life. I was terrified to come back, however I had found out that Tyler had come back to Kirksville prior to me and moved out of our house and into another medical students apt. and hearing that news made me realize that I needed to get back sooner than later.

I arrived home to Kirksville and was greeted by the Schuermann's who so sweetly took me into their hearts and home and gave me a tremendous amount of care - I don't think that I could have survived any of this without them. I went back to work and told some of my co-workers and some of my close friends about the divorce. I found that by telling people what was going on helped my situation immensely as it helped so much to know that others were caring for me and thinking of me and sending me their love and prayers. It was at this point in my life where I really started to believe in the power of prayer. I think that I had always believed in prayer, however had never fully experienced its power until this point. It is hard to describe, but I could feel others love and energy surrounding me and protecting me - and I had this inner knowing that the reason I was able to survive as well as I was, was because of the prayers and love that people were sending me.

Throughout all of this I was still trying to talk with Tyler and do whatever I could to save our marriage. However, he refused to talk to me about it - and still to this day we have not discussed it in full. Our marriage will be officially dissolved on March 25 and I am pretty scared. However, my hope is that I can look back on this in 5-10 years with clarity and understanding and have a knowing as to why this had to happen. I believe that everything happens for a reason - however knowing that doesn't really make this any easier. I do know that I will be OK and that I will continue to survive. I can already see now that I am indeed surviving and that I am doing so much better now than I was three months ago when I first arrived back to Kirksville after Christmas. I am much stronger and at times level headed and am able to function much better on a daily basis. I still cry daily however it is a different type of cry than it was at first. My crying doesn't have as much pain associated with it anymore, it's hard to explain...but it's just different. Sometimes I cry because my heart is overflowing with all of the love that people show me, sometimes I cry when I hear other's stories of times when they have had hardship and sometimes I just cry because I miss him so damn much.

I am officially leaving town on March 30 and my last day of work is this Friday. I am so sad to leave and to have to say goodbye to everyone - however I know that I must leave in order for me to continue on with my life and to take care of myself. I have stayed so much longer than I ever thought I would and now all of a sudden I only have two weeks left and I am kind of freaked out about it. I never thought that I would end up loving Kirksville as much as I do - yet now as it is being taken away from me - I can't seem to get enough. However, I know that it would be too hard to stay here and to see Tyler on a daily basis and no longer be his wife, as it is hard enough as it is to just see him in the halls now and not interact with him. There are also other dynamics that make it hard for me - such as another girl who is currently occupying his attention - and I can handle a lot...but I can't handle that...yes, it is time for me to leave.

Throughout all of this I have tried to look for the blessings that have come with this whole situation and I have found that there are many. Through sharing my story with people I have been able to experience and receive others love, care and wisdom - and it has made me truly see what good people there are in this world. I have made some amazing new friends through all of this and have become even closer with my current ones. I have started running a lot and have found that I really like it and that it is a great way for me to release emotion. I have a greater understanding of pain and grieving and because of that - empathy and compassion. I have also started to discover myself and am finding out who I truly am. I always wanted to be this strong, independent, free, loving woman, and I can see now that I am becoming her. I also have become much more intune with myself and have learned to listen to the wisdom of my heart as I go about each day.

One of my favorite quotes that I have read recently is "When life gives you lemons, you paint that shit gold" So here I am...working on turning my life gold again...It is going to be quite the process, but I know that eventually it will happen and life will be great again. I will continue to update my blog a lot, especially in the next few weeks, so make sure to continue to keep checking back :-)

Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your support, love and prayers - it means the world to me.