One year later...

It has been one year to the day since Tyler told me that he wanted a divorce. Generally I try not to let myself think about the pain that occurred during that time; however in the weeks leading up to Christmas and New Years it hasn’t been quite as easy to push it from my mind.

Last night my friends and I went out downtown and we ended up parking in the exact same parking spot that I parked in last year when I went to go and meet Tyler for some coffee at Starbucks. As we pulled into the parking spot, every memory of that day came flooding back to me. I remembered going into the Starbucks and sitting down at a table with him to talk and feeling my stomach clench as I realized that he no longer had his wedding ring on. I remembered him coldly and awkwardly trying to tell me that he didn’t want to be with me anymore and me telling him that he couldn’t do this here and that could he at least talk to me in my car. I remembered going back to the exact same parking spot that I was in and sitting in my car as he told me that he wanted a divorce and that he refused to talk to me about it – and I remembered trying to muster up all of the self control that I had to not throw my scalding hot tea water all over his face and crotch (though as I look back on it now, he totally deserved a good crotch-scalding).

It is a hazy memory, but I remember somehow driving myself home to my parent’s house – only to find no one there – and laying in my bed, thinking that I was going to die, until someone finally came home and found me there and took care of me. And I remember feeling like I didn’t know how I was going to survive the pain and how I didn’t know if I was ever going to make it through alive. Yet I see now that I survived and am not only surviving – but am living life again and am experiencing joy in that life, and to me, this is a huge accomplishment. I have found that I am proud of myself for how much better I am this year than I was last. It’s the little things, like being able to eat and make food for myself, or feeling completely content around the dinner table on Christmas Eve, or looking forward to the week ahead of me and being excited for the future. These are little things that may sound minimal to you – but to me are a big deal, because last year at this time I wasn’t able to do any of that. To me it shows I got through last year when I never thought I would and I am here and I am doing okay.

I remember last year on New Years Day my Papa telling that I was going to get through this and that next New Years I would be in a completely different place in my life. Hearing that gave me hope and now here I am already on the brink of 2009, and I see that he was right - I am in a different place - a better place. It has been the hardest year of my life, but has also been the one where I have grown and matured to understand myself and others more than ever before.

Here is a little of what I have learned and realized:

To start off, I made it through the year. When I didn’t think that I would survive – I did. When I didn’t think that I would be happy again – I found happiness. And when I didn’t think that I would find deep, meaningful love again – I found love and loved freely.

I’ve learned about love, trust, friendships, joy and sharing myself with others. I have a greater understanding for pain and empathy and what it means to sacrifice one’s ego. I’ve learned about God and spirit, prayers and healing. And I’ve learned about how powerful it can be to set an intention and the power of a positive (or negative) thought.

I discovered heartbreak, not once, but twice this year. And am still trying to understand and let go of (yet sometimes keep trying with) the most recent one.

I’ve learned that as much as I hate living alone (although I do have my roommate Tiff) that I can do it and that it is indeed possible, but that doesn’t mean I like it.

I’ve discovered that I can do whatever I want with my life and having that freedom is fun and exciting. And I have found there are really great people in this world and that I never would have made such amazing friendships and relationships during this past year if it weren’t for the divorce.

I’ve learned that people view my new life as exciting and adventurous – yet I still can’t really see it as that. And I have found that sometimes I am an inspiration to others – yet that fact is hard for me to comprehend because at times I feel like I am barely holding on.

I’ve found that hugs, laughter, giggling and smiles are incredibly healing. And I’ve learned that forgiveness is key – yet is not necessarily easy.

And most importantly I have shown myself that I can make it through whatever life changes come my way, because if there is one thing that I know it is that life will always change – yet God will never give me anything that I can’t handle.

To sum it all up, I have learned a lot. I have experienced a lot of pain, but also a lot of joy and many sweet, tender moments. I want to thank you for being a part of my life and for all of your support and love....it has been one hell of a year.

I want to declare 2009 to be a year of blessings, joy, adventures and hope. I want to travel, love, be happy, be independent and share myself with others. I want to choose satisfaction and joy and choose to be happy – starting now.

And with that, so long 2008….

The blessings already are….

So you are interested in my love life huh? :-)

Sometimes I wonder why I share so openly on this blog....I can't figure it out except that I know that it is a place where I can express myself freely and whenever I read other's blogs who share about their innermost thoughts - I always find that I appreciate the fact that they are sharing their hearts, insecurities, hurts etc....so here goes...here are all the details and I am sure that there are more to come...
I know, I know – I was supposed to have updated you all days ago with the answers and juicy details to the mysterious post that I made before. But I haven’t updated you until now because I’m not quite sure where to start with the Belizean love affair that is Jonny Roman and I.

I suppose that I will start from the beginning and explain who this Jonny boy is…..I met Jonny when I was down volunteering in Belize. He was the director of my volunteer program and at first I found him somewhat aloof and distant and to be perfectly honest – I did not like him very much. But as I got to know him better I found myself finding him attractive and wanting to know more about him. As time passed and I learned more about him I found that he is really quite fabulous – he is originally from Connecticut but lived in Peru for a few years prior to moving to Belize and since then has spent the past year and a half there. He loves being of service and being able to do non-profit work. He plays the guitar beautifully, speaks Spanish fluently, and giggles and laughs more than anyone I have ever met before in my entire life. He is smart, sincere and genuinely good – yet sometimes there is this edginess to him that I really like because it makes me feel like he is a “bad boy” (but not really – it’s hard to explain….). He is open and honest and very comfortable with my divorce and just sweetly listens to me whenever I feel like I need to talk about it. And there are so many more fabulous qualities to him – but I don’t want to bore you with all of the things that I find wonderful about him. And anyway, as I got to know him better I found that we are so compatible with each other, except for the fact that he lives in Belize and I live in Minnesota – miles and miles away. But there was enough of a spark in Belize that we continued to communicate and he came and visited me in the States this summer. It was a fabulous visit and we connected so much while he was here that we decided to keep our relationship going and planned for me to visit him over Thanksgiving.

Which catches you up to speed – almost – as a lot changed during my visit to Belize and the week that followed my return. Essentially, being in Belize over Thanksgiving was the best 10 days that I have had in a long time. I had forgotten how much I love it there and was reminded of how living in Minneapolis is not a good fit for me. When I was in Belize I felt relaxed, peaceful, happy, content, joyful, at ease…etc. And it wasn’t just because I was there with Jonny – it was also because I was back in Belize and I LOVE it there.

While I was there I also kind of ended up falling in love with this Jonny boy and we had the most amazing time together. I know that this is a big statement, but I don’t feel like I have ever connected or been as compatible with someone as I am with him. Yet, the problem is – he is moving back to Peru in January and we are trying to figure out what to do with our relationship. Neither of us wants to do the long distance relationship thing for the next two years and so we find ourselves in a hard situation…there is a lot to consider and lot to talk about and currently I find that my heart is hurting and I am feeling frustrated with the complications of this long distance relationship. There is so much more to explain, but I am tired and need to go to bed – however now that I have finally posted I am sure that I will continue to keep writing as I feel like I have a lot to get off my chest. I love you all

Quote of the day....

"Any transition serious enough to alter your definition of self will require not just small adjustments in your way of living and thinking but a full-on metamorphosis" - Martha Beck-

I came across this quote today and loved it. It made me feel normal, as lately I have been thinking about how my life was turned upside down and how I have gone through a lot of changes to get it back on track and how I am feeling so out of balance about things. But then I read this quote and it reminded me that "oh, yeah, it's okay to not feel completely content yet, there have been some major changes here in the past six months, give yourself a break Els!"

I am still in the metamorphosis stage....however, I am working on it and hopefully someday the process will be beautifully complete.

"Metamorphosis, which is usually (but not always) accompanied by a change of habitat or behavior."

The word "metamorphosis" derives from Greek "transformation, transforming."

The Rainforest....

This was as of the beginning of June:

So lately my days have been filled with finishing up my volunteer work and spending lots of time swimming and in the rainforests. I have been swimming in the most amazing places lately. The other weekend we went swimming at these beautiful waterfalls that were surrounded by dense forests and 40 ft cliffs that we could jump off of ....I think that we swam and played there for about three hours straight - and by the time we had to go, I still wasn't ready to leave....I loved it. Last weekend we went to Michael's (the jaguar guy) farm which is way up in the rainforest. It consisted of us driving up the Hummingbird Highway (isn't that the cutest name for a highway ever?) through lush, dense rainforests and arrived at the most beautiful piece of land. We turned down this little driveway that was completely and gorgeously overgrown with some of the most amazing tropical flowers and trees - the driveway led to this area of cleared land, with banana trees everywhere and horses roaming and this amazing little creek that bordered the property. We went swimming in the creek and let me just say that swimming in a river, in the middle of the rainforest (in the rain too!) was absolutely amazing. The little river was great fun and you could jump in off some rocks and then the current would push you down the stream and then you would swim back up and do it all over again. I loved it and think that I swam there for at least an hour and a half...it was fabulous. After swimming we went up to the house and sat on the porch until dark, laying in hammocks, listening to the pitter patter of the rain and to Jonny playing guitar. The view from the porch overlooks Michael's land and the most amazing green, dense mountains with clouds wisping in and around them. Pretty much it was a little slice of heaven...

May 26, 2008

This is an excerpt from something that I wrote on the last page of my journal. I started the journal on January 1 when the whole divorce thing began....and it ended on May 26. I thought that I would share with everyone, how far I have come in the past few months:

I am sitting at Cahal Pech overlooking the valley and listening to the rain on the rooftop. The rain smells delicious and fresh and it is so beautiful watching it come down over the valley. I went and stood in it and it made me feel peaceful and happy. I like it here. What I am here to do is work on my own equilibrium and this still feels, at least for now, like a nourishing climate in which to do that.
Overall I am happy and content and feel like I have come a long way since the beginning of all this. Loneliness still has it's way of creeping up on me, but it's occurrence is fewer and farther between. I am stronger, wiser, more thoughtful, more insightful and am working on loving myself more each day. At times I still feel plagued with the divorce, bit I think that with time it will get easier - it has only been two months.

However right now, in this moment, watching the thunder and lightening over San Ignacio, Belize, I am happy. Life is becoming good again.

It's 100 degrees everyday and there is no air conditioning...but I still love it.

I am writing to give you a little update of my past week in Belize and show you some pictures of all the cool stuff that I have been seeing :-)

This past week has been amazing - I am in love with this country. Last week I went to go and see the Jaguars and they are the most amazing creatures that I have ever seen in my entire life....I have included a few pictures of them. There were two of them, one was spotted and the other was black. But notice on the black Jag how you can still see the spots - cool huh? We were so close to them it was unreal, if I wanted to I think that I could have reached out and touched it...but I decided that I really like all 10 of my fingers and that I would keep my hands to myself, just in case it got a little hungry....














My days generally consist of working at the nursing home in the mornings and then working on Jaguar stuff in the afternoon. I am starting to like the nursing home more and more and the people there are really sweet. After I am done doing physical therapy on some of the residents I generally play games with them or help out in the kitchen (they are so understaffed there that the nurses have to make all of the food and prepare the meals as well....and here in Belize everything is hand made and fresh...nothing is prepackaged or in a can....so the nurses have their work cut out for them). The residents all speak Spanish and English and have been trying to teach me Spanish...we are working on my numbers right now and yesterday I played an entire game of Bingo in Spanish...it was pretty great.

Last weekend I went on the most amazing adventure of my life. The girls and I and a group of guys we met from Washington state went to this cave called Actun Tunichil Muknal (ATM) and it absolutely blew me away. To get there we had to hike through the jungle for a few miles, foraging rivers and climbing rocks and stuff...and then once we finally made it to the cave, we had to swim through the entrance, put on helmets and head lamps and then walked, climbed, swam and squeezed our way through tiny openings within the cave for at least an hour before reaching this huge opening with all of these amazing Mayan ruins and skeletons. It was so fun and such an adventure...I think that I can honestly say that it was the coolest thing that I have ever done in my entire life....I wish that I could explain it better, but words will not suffice - if any of you ever come down to Belize you have find a way to get to this cave, as I promise you that you won't regret it.

This weekend the girls and I are going to take a bus down to the Cayes (pronounced Keys) which are the islands off of Belize in the Caribbean....I am not sure if we are going to be leaving Friday (as Friday is my birthday and we may want to spend it here in town) or Saturday morning...but regardless we plan to go and snorkel and swim and lay on the beach and just have a good time....

Well that is about it for now...I am doing well and enjoying the country, my host family and all of the cool people that I have met thus far. I think that meeting the people down here - whether they are locals or just traveling through - is one of my favorite parts of this entire trip....everyone has such a good story...its great. Yesterday I was thinking about how earlier this year a friend said to me "I hope that at some point you can stop surviving and start living" and I feel like I have definitely started living again...and it feels great :-)

The pictures are of the Jaguars, a cougar, the entrance to the cave, me eating a termite (it kind of tasted like a carrot and is supposedly high in protein), and one of the old men at the nursing home who takes care of the chickens in the chicken coop out back. And sorry that it isn't presented all cute and stuff...I just put them up there as quick as I could just so that you could get a little peak of what I am all seeing...maybe when I return to the states I will put it together cutely, but for now this will just have to do! :-)

Belize it or not....I'm leaving tomorrow!

Yes thats right, the start of my adventure is upon me and I am getting pretty excited and a little nervous - but mainly just excited. I found out that for my volunteer work I am going to be working at a health center in the mornings and then in the afternoons I am going to be working with - get this - Jaguars. Ok ok so I don't think that I will be actually working one on one with them, but I will be setting up a survey project that they will be using for the next 10 years and I will get to see demonstrations done with them and stuff like that.....I don't think that it is really as cool as it sounds....but whatever, I still really like to tell people that I am going to be working with Jaguars cause really who in Minnesota ever gets to say that? No one.

I also have found out more about my host family. I will be living with a family of four - a mom, dad, 18 year old son and 15 year old daughter. I don't know much about them except that their dad works for the Ministry of Health (does that remind anyone of Harry Potter and the Ministry of Magic....maybe these guys are wizards...lets hope so anyway). My family also said that in the afternoons when it is hot out they like to go and have picnics by the river and go swimming - which sounds pretty great to me, cause I'm always down for picnics and swimming!

I am a little nervous about this whole deal as I don't know what to expect from it all. But I do know that whatever happens it will be a good adventure and that there will be a lot of learning that will take place.

I was watching the movie Into the Wild the other day and this quote really stuck with me, it said:

"I've learned how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong but to feel strong. To measure yourself at least once. To find yourself at least once in the most ancient of human conditions. "

I think that with everything that has happened in the past four months that this trip will be one of those experiences where I really measure myself. I feel like I got the whole "strong" thing down when I went through the divorce, but I don't feel like I truly measured myself. I am hoping that with this trip - with being of service and traveling alone and having adventures and time to reflect - that I will be able to truly measure myself. I am excited to see what it all entails....

I will try to update while in Belize....so keep checkin' back. Enjoy your desk jobs everyone :-)

Woah Els...you still miss him....

Today I was blog stalking and was reading Jayne's blog and the song "The Luckiest" by Ben Folds (whose concert I just went to on Sunday) came on. The song is so sweet and simple and is about how he is in love with this girl and sees her face everyday and knows that he is the luckiest...and it made me cry so hard. Like the kind of crying where you stomach heaves in and out and your body just shakes. I haven't cried this hard in a few weeks - I think that I have been trying to distract myself with everything else in my life besides the fact that I just recently got divorced. I've been hanging out with friends and going dancing and to concerts and going out of town and planning for Belize and trying not to think about Tyler and how much I miss him. And then I heard this song and I couldn't distract myself any longer and had to just let myself cry and be really sad. I realized that "wow...I really miss him....so so much."

Tomorrow we will have been divorced for a month and it feels like that day was forever ago. Sometimes I still feel like I am grasping for something to hold on to, cause I still feel like my life is spiraling out of control. It is such a strange feeling to be so distracted, but to have this weird, underlying sadness with me wherever I go - only for it to creep up on me when I least expect it and have it explode when I hear a sweet song about a guy being the luckiest man in the world cause he found someone to spend the rest of his life with....and I think....does he miss me too? Does he break down when hes alone? He has to right....I mean hes human....but then again, he is Tyler....so who knows if he misses me. But I miss him....I miss his touch and his hands and his thick calloused fingers and short little finger nails. I miss his kisses and the warmth of his breath and the feeling of his body snuggled up next to mine. I miss not hearing about his day and the way he so lovingly called me Elsa. I miss feeling so comfortable with him and giggling with him and seeing his smile. I miss all the little things - I miss the life that we had together. And I know that it doesn't get me anywhere to dwell on the past, cause that is over now....but at the same time I think that it is ok to do every once and awhile. Its funny how my brain only remembers the good things and so easily pushes out how much of an asshole he was the last three months of our marriage. Regardless, I miss him - asshole tendencies and all.

I'm going to BELIZE!!!

Last week I applied for a volunteer internship program in Belize and I found out on Friday that I was accepted to the program! I am so excited as volunteering and living in another country is something that I have always wanted to do - however I have always had too many ties and haven't been able to go. But now I am not tied to anything....I'm not in a relationship, I'm not employed, I'm not in school....so I figured now is as good as time as ever for me to get the hell outta dodge and have an adventure.

My program starts May 3 and I will be there until June 1. I wanted to stay longer than a month, however I don't think that I can afford it - but being there for a month should be a good amount of time. I am going by myself and will be living with a host family. I am going through an organization called ProWorld and they seem to be pretty legit. I really like them because their volunteer/intern programs are all set up by people who actually live in the country, instead of it being set up by Americans who go in and are like "you need our help....we are going to help you..." I will work five days a week and then on the weekends will go on amazing excursions throughout Belize. I was reading about one excursion that I will be taking and the description is as follows: "You will go to Actun Tunichil Muknal cave where you will first swim in through the cave entrance where you follow an underground river as it snakes its way through the cave, taking the path traveled hundreds of years ago by Mayan priests. You will then climb your way into a large chamber. As you make your way through to the end of the chamber you will pass Mayan pottery as well as skeletal remains. This adventure is one of the best in Belize and is only recently getting the exposure it deserves." SOUNDS AMAZING RIGHT???

As of right now I am not quite sure what type of volunteer work I will be doing - however I do know that the coordinators down there will set me up according to my experience and skills and how I can best use those to serve others. I'll keep ya'll updated as my plans progress....

Another good thing about this whole Belize deal is that it is a great way for me to explain to others what I am currently doing with my life. Meaning that it is so incredibly awkward for me when I run into acquaintances in Duluth and they ask me one of the following questions:

1. Why are you in Duluth? What are you doing home?
2. Hows married life?
3. How is Tyler? Is he here too???

Lately I have been dreading going out to public gatherings because I hate having to explain the entire divorce situation to people. Depending on who I run in to, I answer with either a short synopsis of the truth or if I am feeling somewhat drained I just tell people that I am back in Duluth for a bit and then am going to do a volunteer internship in Belize. Whenever I mention Belize it generally sparks some good conversation and takes people away from questioning what the heck I am doing back here....I'm not really sure how the best way to deal with all of this is - but I think that I am doing the best that I know how in the moment....I'm trying anyway.

The picture above is of the great blue hole in Belize. It is a limestone sinkhole that is 412 feet deep and is a huge snorkeling/scuba diving attraction - I think that it's pretty amazing - and I am excited to see it in person :-)

Lake Superior

Yesterday I took Gracie down to Lake Superior and we took a huge walk along the shore. While walking next to the water I was reminded of how much I really do love this city and how incredible the lake is. The waves were really coming in and crashing up against the rocks and as I stood there with the mist spraying my face I felt surrounded with this feeling of strength and peace. There is something so powerful about this lake - it has a tremendous amount of energy - it is hard to explain, but it just does....

One thing that I love about Duluth is that anywhere you are in the city you can always see Lake Superior.....it is so beautiful and I realized that I really missed that when I was away in Kirksville. I decided today that if the people from Kirksville could move and live in Duluth - life would be great, because then I would have the best of both worlds! :-)

P.S. Today I officially changed my name back....Elsie Storm is here to stay and good thing too, cause lets be honest....Storm is way cooler than Callahan :-)

Wild Geese

I am back in my hometown of Duluth, MN. We arrived home late last night and we unloaded my truck, ate a late dinner and then essentially passed out from exhaustion. This has been one hell of a week for me. A little note of advice: don't quit your job, get divorced and move all in one week....it is way too much to handle.

Getting divorced on Tuesday was one of the most emotionally and physically draining things I have ever done in my life. I can't say too much about it, except that it was really sad for the both of us. Tears were shed on both fronts and we both sort of feel like we are going through a death. In some sense we are - it is the death of our marriage and of our hopes and dreams with each other - and because of that and of having to say goodbye to one another we are both sad. Yes, thats right...I said both....he finally showed me some emotion....

Last week I hardly slept and was having troubles with bouts of insomnia. I think that there was just too much on my mind for me to be able to sleep. However now that I am at my parent's house I am finally able to allow my body to rest and last night I slept for nine hours and it was the most sleep that I have gotten in quite some time.

Today I was thinking about how much I miss Kirksville and how I wish that I were back there like crazy. I woke up this morning dreaming about one of my friends there and I was struck with the harsh reality that it was only and dream and that I will not be back for quite some time. I think that I had really prepared myself to leave Tyler, but I never really took time to process leaving all of my beloved friends behind. My friends in Kirksville became my family while I was there and I currently feel lost without them. Can I come back please :-)

It snowed five inches in Duluth today - big fluffy snowflakes - and with that I can say goodbye to any hope of spring coming soon! It's strange because I currently don't feel at home here in Duluth. I feel at home in my parents house, but this city is no longer home to me and that is taking some getting adjusted to.

Tonight I went to my first ever poetry reading. Mary Oliver who is a Pulitzer Prize winner came to Duluth and a friend asked me if I wanted to go and listen to her read her poems.... I decided that I wanted to go...and I ended up really enjoying it. Below is my favorite poem that she read - I really like it because it seems to encourage the reader to look inside during times of hardship as well as continue to keep looking forward....

Wild Geese
by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

D-Day

Well, today was the divorce and it was hard. I can't really write too much about it right now because I am still trying to wrap my head around it. But I can say that I feel different....a little empty, pretty sad and definitely not married anymore. I am exhausted on all levels - but I survived and thats a good thing. People have been really good to me today and I am so grateful for that....thank you to everyone who has helped to take care of me throughout all of this, I really appreciate it.

The dreaming tree

There is a song by Dave Matthews Band called "The Dreaming Tree" and in the song he says:

"She gave it all she had
But treasures slowly fade
Now she's falling hard
She feels the fall of dark
How did this fall apart
She drinks to fill it up
A smile of sweetest flowers
Wilted so and soured
Black tears stain the cheeks
That once were so admired
She thinks when she was small
There on her father's knee
How he had promised her
You'll always be my baby
Daddy come quick
The dreaming tree has died "

Lately I have been thinking a lot about how what I had always envisioned for my life with Tyler is no longer going to happen. The way that I interpret "The Dreaming Tree" is that it is about how childhood dreams die in the whole growing up process - ideals crushed, hearts broken, innocence lost....

Since the beginning of January I feel like I have grown up a tremendous amount. As March 25th looms closer and closer this whole divorce feels like more and more of a reality. It is really sinking in like "wow, my marriage is going to be over" and with the finality of that, a lot of dreams that I had will be over for the time being as well. It is so strange to think about not continuing on to rotations and residency with him (not that being a wife of a resident was a huge, grand dream of mine - lets be honest here). But important dreams - like having a family and children - are going to have to be put on hold for the time being and that is a tough one for me to swallow right now. I really, really want to have kids and be a mom and it is sad for me to know that right now thats not what is going to happen in my life. But I think that someday it will and that ray of hope for the future is a good one...because good news, I am only 23 and still have a lot of life ahead of me.

Last weekend I had some friends over for dinner and my friend's dad came along. I had never met his dad before and he asked why I was moving back to MN, to which I replied "I am getting divorced." He looked at me with the sweetest look in his eyes and told me the following story. He said "I was once divorced...I was married to my first wife for three years...and it didn't work out. But I can look back on that experience now and see that it worked out for the best, because I had to go through that to be who I am today. Because of my divorce I was able to grow and meet my current wife and make this beautiful family with her. So Elsie, please know that there is hope for the future and that you will be ok. Keep living your life with your heart open and always follow your heart and your inner knowing for that will never lead you astray." As he told me that I had tears running down my cheeks and was so grateful that he had shared his story with me, as well as his profound comments on love and life. It was exactly what I needed to hear, as earlier in the day I was really struggling with the whole lost dreams/family issue. Ever since that night I have been reminding myself to go forward with my heart open and to trust in myself.

Someone told me the other week "Tyler is living his dream (or so he says) - it is now time for you to live yours." So with that, I am working on compiling my new dreams of being a single woman and all of the adventures that I can and will have....it's kind of exciting to think of all the possibilities. And so when I am sad and lonely and freaked out about the divorce and the move, I have been trying to think about all of the opportunities that will come my way.

I will end with one of my favorite quotes:

"I began to have an idea of my life, not as the slow shaping of achievement to fit my preconceived purposes, but as the gradual discovery and growth of a purpose of which I did not know" - Joanna Field, English Psychologist.

Love is a feeling, marriage is a contract, and relationships are work.

Well, where to start....I guess that I will begin with the fact of the matter, which is I am getting divorced. I have decided to explain the situation in a decent amount of detail, as it isn't just as simple for me to say "I'm getting divorced" and move on from there. Just a note of warning: this blog will probably be pretty honest, somewhat raw and have a decent amount of emotion in it - but this is how I feel right now, and I'm not quite sure how else to write it...so here goes...

Over Christmas, Tyler and I went home to Duluth, MN for break. On December 27 he took me to a Starbucks and told me that he no longer wanted to be married to me, he didn't want to talk to me about it, he didn't really want to give me any reasons and that he wasn't willing to work on it. I was in complete shock, as I thought that our newly married life together was great. We had been dating for four years and were married in June.

After hearing the news, I went into shock both physically, mentally and emotionally and felt as if I was grieving the same type of grief that people go through when they experience a sudden death. I couldn't eat, sleep or function - however I knew that I had to leave MN and come back to Kirksville to work and carry on with my life. I was terrified to come back, however I had found out that Tyler had come back to Kirksville prior to me and moved out of our house and into another medical students apt. and hearing that news made me realize that I needed to get back sooner than later.

I arrived home to Kirksville and was greeted by the Schuermann's who so sweetly took me into their hearts and home and gave me a tremendous amount of care - I don't think that I could have survived any of this without them. I went back to work and told some of my co-workers and some of my close friends about the divorce. I found that by telling people what was going on helped my situation immensely as it helped so much to know that others were caring for me and thinking of me and sending me their love and prayers. It was at this point in my life where I really started to believe in the power of prayer. I think that I had always believed in prayer, however had never fully experienced its power until this point. It is hard to describe, but I could feel others love and energy surrounding me and protecting me - and I had this inner knowing that the reason I was able to survive as well as I was, was because of the prayers and love that people were sending me.

Throughout all of this I was still trying to talk with Tyler and do whatever I could to save our marriage. However, he refused to talk to me about it - and still to this day we have not discussed it in full. Our marriage will be officially dissolved on March 25 and I am pretty scared. However, my hope is that I can look back on this in 5-10 years with clarity and understanding and have a knowing as to why this had to happen. I believe that everything happens for a reason - however knowing that doesn't really make this any easier. I do know that I will be OK and that I will continue to survive. I can already see now that I am indeed surviving and that I am doing so much better now than I was three months ago when I first arrived back to Kirksville after Christmas. I am much stronger and at times level headed and am able to function much better on a daily basis. I still cry daily however it is a different type of cry than it was at first. My crying doesn't have as much pain associated with it anymore, it's hard to explain...but it's just different. Sometimes I cry because my heart is overflowing with all of the love that people show me, sometimes I cry when I hear other's stories of times when they have had hardship and sometimes I just cry because I miss him so damn much.

I am officially leaving town on March 30 and my last day of work is this Friday. I am so sad to leave and to have to say goodbye to everyone - however I know that I must leave in order for me to continue on with my life and to take care of myself. I have stayed so much longer than I ever thought I would and now all of a sudden I only have two weeks left and I am kind of freaked out about it. I never thought that I would end up loving Kirksville as much as I do - yet now as it is being taken away from me - I can't seem to get enough. However, I know that it would be too hard to stay here and to see Tyler on a daily basis and no longer be his wife, as it is hard enough as it is to just see him in the halls now and not interact with him. There are also other dynamics that make it hard for me - such as another girl who is currently occupying his attention - and I can handle a lot...but I can't handle that...yes, it is time for me to leave.

Throughout all of this I have tried to look for the blessings that have come with this whole situation and I have found that there are many. Through sharing my story with people I have been able to experience and receive others love, care and wisdom - and it has made me truly see what good people there are in this world. I have made some amazing new friends through all of this and have become even closer with my current ones. I have started running a lot and have found that I really like it and that it is a great way for me to release emotion. I have a greater understanding of pain and grieving and because of that - empathy and compassion. I have also started to discover myself and am finding out who I truly am. I always wanted to be this strong, independent, free, loving woman, and I can see now that I am becoming her. I also have become much more intune with myself and have learned to listen to the wisdom of my heart as I go about each day.

One of my favorite quotes that I have read recently is "When life gives you lemons, you paint that shit gold" So here I am...working on turning my life gold again...It is going to be quite the process, but I know that eventually it will happen and life will be great again. I will continue to update my blog a lot, especially in the next few weeks, so make sure to continue to keep checking back :-)

Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your support, love and prayers - it means the world to me.