Love is a feeling, marriage is a contract, and relationships are work.

Well, where to start....I guess that I will begin with the fact of the matter, which is I am getting divorced. I have decided to explain the situation in a decent amount of detail, as it isn't just as simple for me to say "I'm getting divorced" and move on from there. Just a note of warning: this blog will probably be pretty honest, somewhat raw and have a decent amount of emotion in it - but this is how I feel right now, and I'm not quite sure how else to write it...so here goes...

Over Christmas, Tyler and I went home to Duluth, MN for break. On December 27 he took me to a Starbucks and told me that he no longer wanted to be married to me, he didn't want to talk to me about it, he didn't really want to give me any reasons and that he wasn't willing to work on it. I was in complete shock, as I thought that our newly married life together was great. We had been dating for four years and were married in June.

After hearing the news, I went into shock both physically, mentally and emotionally and felt as if I was grieving the same type of grief that people go through when they experience a sudden death. I couldn't eat, sleep or function - however I knew that I had to leave MN and come back to Kirksville to work and carry on with my life. I was terrified to come back, however I had found out that Tyler had come back to Kirksville prior to me and moved out of our house and into another medical students apt. and hearing that news made me realize that I needed to get back sooner than later.

I arrived home to Kirksville and was greeted by the Schuermann's who so sweetly took me into their hearts and home and gave me a tremendous amount of care - I don't think that I could have survived any of this without them. I went back to work and told some of my co-workers and some of my close friends about the divorce. I found that by telling people what was going on helped my situation immensely as it helped so much to know that others were caring for me and thinking of me and sending me their love and prayers. It was at this point in my life where I really started to believe in the power of prayer. I think that I had always believed in prayer, however had never fully experienced its power until this point. It is hard to describe, but I could feel others love and energy surrounding me and protecting me - and I had this inner knowing that the reason I was able to survive as well as I was, was because of the prayers and love that people were sending me.

Throughout all of this I was still trying to talk with Tyler and do whatever I could to save our marriage. However, he refused to talk to me about it - and still to this day we have not discussed it in full. Our marriage will be officially dissolved on March 25 and I am pretty scared. However, my hope is that I can look back on this in 5-10 years with clarity and understanding and have a knowing as to why this had to happen. I believe that everything happens for a reason - however knowing that doesn't really make this any easier. I do know that I will be OK and that I will continue to survive. I can already see now that I am indeed surviving and that I am doing so much better now than I was three months ago when I first arrived back to Kirksville after Christmas. I am much stronger and at times level headed and am able to function much better on a daily basis. I still cry daily however it is a different type of cry than it was at first. My crying doesn't have as much pain associated with it anymore, it's hard to explain...but it's just different. Sometimes I cry because my heart is overflowing with all of the love that people show me, sometimes I cry when I hear other's stories of times when they have had hardship and sometimes I just cry because I miss him so damn much.

I am officially leaving town on March 30 and my last day of work is this Friday. I am so sad to leave and to have to say goodbye to everyone - however I know that I must leave in order for me to continue on with my life and to take care of myself. I have stayed so much longer than I ever thought I would and now all of a sudden I only have two weeks left and I am kind of freaked out about it. I never thought that I would end up loving Kirksville as much as I do - yet now as it is being taken away from me - I can't seem to get enough. However, I know that it would be too hard to stay here and to see Tyler on a daily basis and no longer be his wife, as it is hard enough as it is to just see him in the halls now and not interact with him. There are also other dynamics that make it hard for me - such as another girl who is currently occupying his attention - and I can handle a lot...but I can't handle that...yes, it is time for me to leave.

Throughout all of this I have tried to look for the blessings that have come with this whole situation and I have found that there are many. Through sharing my story with people I have been able to experience and receive others love, care and wisdom - and it has made me truly see what good people there are in this world. I have made some amazing new friends through all of this and have become even closer with my current ones. I have started running a lot and have found that I really like it and that it is a great way for me to release emotion. I have a greater understanding of pain and grieving and because of that - empathy and compassion. I have also started to discover myself and am finding out who I truly am. I always wanted to be this strong, independent, free, loving woman, and I can see now that I am becoming her. I also have become much more intune with myself and have learned to listen to the wisdom of my heart as I go about each day.

One of my favorite quotes that I have read recently is "When life gives you lemons, you paint that shit gold" So here I am...working on turning my life gold again...It is going to be quite the process, but I know that eventually it will happen and life will be great again. I will continue to update my blog a lot, especially in the next few weeks, so make sure to continue to keep checking back :-)

Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your support, love and prayers - it means the world to me.