"That which can be shaken, will be shaken."

I felt that was the perfect title for my blog post as my life has been completely turned upside down in the past four days.  On Tuesday Jonny broke up with me.

I'm not angry with him or mad - simply just sad.  Really really sad.  It has taken me awhile to even be able to come around to writing this post - but I woke up this morning and decided that I needed to do it, because I need your prayers, love, light and strength - as I find that I am struggling to summon that up within myself right now.

I don't feel comfortable going into the full details of why, as I understand that this blog is more public than I sometimes even realize, but what I will say is that this was all very sudden and my little self is in shock.

After leaving Mexico, I went to Jonny's house for a week.  I then came home to Minnesota and he was supposed to come and meet me in MN next Tuesday for us to pack up and drive to Colorado together.  Last weekend Jonny was at a personal development seminar in California - while he was here he realized that he had some major issues within himself that he needed to work out before he could fully commit himself to me and give me the certainty and love that I wanted and needed from him.  And until he learns to love and accept himself fully, he can't love me fully and in return also can't be with me, as he is not able to figure these things out while still being in a relationship with me.  None of these issues came as a surprise to me, as we have spoken about them openly many times throughout our relationship, but what did come as a surprise was him feeling like he needed to take the time alone to figure this out.  But I understand why and I know that he can't give me the love that I need until he does this for himself.

The hard part is - I don't know when that will be, if ever.  We don't know what this self-exploration will bring - maybe it will bring him back to me, maybe it won't.  Knowing that and knowing that we both still love each other a lot is really hard and confusing for my heart.  There is this huge part of me that wants to hold on, that doesn't want to let him go, that thinks in a few months this will all pass and we will be lovers and best friends again.  But I also know that there is a very real possibility that won't happen and so because of that I need to try to find a way to keep my distance.  To let him go, to let my heart hurt now so that someday it will become strong again and the hurt will lessen.    And I know that I am in denial about some of this as that is part of the grieving stage that I am currently in.  But I'm lost and don't know what I am going to do with my life.  Everything was planned out to move to CO with him, and now I am no longer going with him, I'm sitting here wondering what I am going to do.  Live with my parents for a while I suppose.  My mom told me that I am not allowed to make any major decisions for the next two weeks - I guess that is pretty good advice.

The other part of this that is hard is that I have already dealt with heartache before.  I did this once.  I didn't think that I was going to have to do it again.  I thought that God had already given me that test - and I passed it.  Or at least I thought I did.  But it was hard, really really hard.  And because I have already done it, I am so scared to have to go through it again.  I know what it looks like and what it takes and there is this part of me that is really afraid of that and doesn't want to do it.  Similar to my divorce I am losing too much weight and have lost 4 pounds in 4 days (Mrs. Schuermann I need you here to feed me :-), but I am trying to eat and take care of myself and my family has been really wonderful to me.  I was reminded of a great quote last night that said "The only way out is through" - and that is really true.  I know that God has something planned for me, that this hardship will lead to something beautiful, but man is it hard for me to see that or believe in it now because right now what I see as beautiful is my life with Jonny and it is a struggle to see beyond that - but I know that someday that new vision will come.

Send your prayers and love to both of us - we both need it.  And I'm accepting all calls, emails and comments :-)

Love,
E