Introducing "the other" Turning Life Gold....!!

Today is a big day. Today marks the launch of my coaching business Turning Life Gold.  This business has been a long time in the making and it feels like one of my heartfelt dreams is finally coming true.  I love coaching, and when I get to work with clients and help bring light and clarity to them, it is the highlight of my day and I feel so grateful that I am stepping into an area of work that makes others and myself so happy. And I am especially excited that I finally get to share this with all of you!

The other day I was reviewing my website and I was reading the page "My Story" where I share openly about my divorce, heartbreak and growth into the woman who I’ve become today, and I thought “wow, if I could have shown that devastated 23-year old girl who couldn’t stop sobbing while she was lying in the middle of her living room floor and who was too embarrassed to tell anyone she was getting divorced….If I could have just shown her then how amazing her life would become, how she would someday share her story to help others and work in a profession where she would bring light to other people’s darkness….If I could have just shown her a glimpse of this then, she would have been so amazed and maybe, just maybe, she could have taken a deep breath and known that everything would have been ok…”.  And as I realized all of this and how far I have come, tears started to drip down my cheeks, and I felt this overwhelming feeling of gratitude for my life and for all of those who have helped me along the way.  So to all of you who hugged me, fed me, traveled with me, laughed with me, cried with me, mentored me, sang with me, danced with me, sat with me, called me, and loved me through it all – this is dedicated to you.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.  I am so grateful.  If you feel called to share this message and site with others, please do, I would really appreciate it.  Or, if you feel like you could use some assistance and extra light in your life, please contact me and schedule a discovery call – I would be honored to work with you. 

And so here it is – I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. 

www.turninglifegold.com

Love,

Elsie

P.S. – A HUGE thank you to Damien Samwell at Tripsix Design for the amazing logo, Diana Sabreen Photography for the awesome pictures, and Element Echo for the killer website.  If any of you are looking for design, photography or web work – please contact these three – you’ll be glad you did – they are amazing.

P.P.S. – Also thank you to Jonny Roman for being the most amazing business consultant, fan and strength of support….thank you for being along on this journey with me.  I love you.

Three Years Later

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It wasn’t until I finished writing this that I remembered that in 2008 I had written the same type of reflection except it was titled “One Year Later” instead of three. I am so glad to see that I am now over the “survival” phase and onto the “living” phase. Whew. I am grateful for that. I don’t know if this reflection is as well written, as this one was more of a reflection for myself and not necessarily to be shared with others – but I am sharing it anyways. So read along….

December 27, 2010

Three years ago today I sat in a Starbucks as I watched my husband tell me that he no longer wanted to be married to me anymore. Three years ago, I saw my sweet, perfect, little world crash before my eyes. And three years ago, I thought that life had ended and I wasn’t quite sure how I was going to go on.

Today – exactly three years later – I am sitting in a Starbucks yet once again, but this time I am not sitting in that dreadful corner table on Superior Street in Duluth, MN. This time I am sitting at the Starbucks in the Lima, Peru airport awaiting my flight to Cusco. This time I see that my life didn’t end, that in fact it did go on and that it has done a pretty good turn around, as it is oh so sweet again.

Though three years later, I still struggle at times. The Holidays still have ways of bringing back flashbacks of Tyler, his family, and the hellish pain that I went through that first Christmas alone. I still struggle with insecurities, trust and the wonder of believing in a lasting marriage again. Sometimes the emotional turmoil that I put myself through with these thoughts knocks me off my center. Makes me lose myself. Makes me forget my true being.

My true being – she who is loving and kind. She who smiles often and throws her head back in laughter. She who is strong in herself. She who trusts and loves freely – not withholding her love because of pettiness. She who lets go and lets God. And she who remembers to trust in Him and just live life in by which doing so, she will answer all of her questions.

I forget to do this sometimes. I forget to trust in God and I don’t always love unconditionally. I get caught up in the negativity of these lower realms of life and become afraid of losing and being hurt again. And I forget that I am strong and that in my core I am already everything that I want to be, I just have to move my awareness there and recognize the reality of my own soul. And most of all, I forget to forgive. I forget to forgive myself. I forget to continually forgive Tyler and Jonny and everyone else who has once caused my heart pain. And I forget to forgive others whom I have judged and forgive myself for judging them.

So where does this leave me three years later? Well….an obvious work in progress I guess. I’m happier – that’s for sure. I have learned to love again – and it’s been wonderful. And I’m still working on finding and creating myself – though I have a feeling I will be working on that for the rest of my life. Am I totally content? Not quite yet. Can I freely say that this divorce happened for a reason (still somewhat unknown to me) and that I am better because of it? Yes. Though I can’t say that I have seen the full circle of it yet, but I don’t know if I will until I have my own family again and feel truly happy and secure. But, I can see clearly that if I hadn’t gone through the divorce, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I wouldn’t have this amazing job, or experienced these phenomenal travels, or be in love with this darling Jonny of mine – who I feel is so much more compatible for me than Tyler ever was.

So am I doing okay? Yeah. I sure am. Though I still have a lot to work on and get through – but don’t we all?

So cheers to the New Year, growth and resilience. I want to declare 2011 to be a year of dedication to myself, to love and to God. I want to laugh often, love freely and align spiritually. I want adventures, travels, good health and joy. And I want to do this in partnership with myself, Spirit and others….being aware of the divinity that is within us all….. Starting Now.

So with that, so long 2010

…..and the beat goes on!

The blessings already are.

Two Years

Today it has been two years since Tyler and I got divorced. The day of my divorce, I remember thinking about if I would ever feel happy again, and I am proud to say that right now, in this moment I am happy and I have been happy for awhile.

Last year the one-year anniversary was a killer for me, whew it was hard. But this year, it snuck right up on me and it has hardly even crossed my mind. Someone took this picture of me the other week and I feel like I look pretty happy in it....so this is my picture of the day.

Horrah for letting go of pain, enjoying life, moving on, staying present, laughing, loving and right now....being in Belize. In this moment, although it is over 100 degrees and I am sweaty and sticky, life is good. I feel like this is such a good testament to the fact that one does heal, life does move on, and even when we are in our deepest despair, we can know that eventually we will experience happiness again.

A simple phone call...

Today was the two year anniversary of my and Tyler's wedding. After work, I went down to the pool just to reflect and have some alone time. I realized that this date wasn't as raw for me as it was last year, it was still somewhat sad, but time has definitely been healing my wounds and this anniversary was much easier than last.

While I was sitting at the pool, my parents called to let me know that they had been thinking of me today, as they knew that it may be a sad day for me. Their sweet, simple act of calling, just to let me know I was on their minds, meant the world to me. As I write this, I am brought to tears, not so much over the sadness of my divorce, but more so by the overwhelming feeling of love that I have for the both of them, and that I know they have for me in return.

Their phone call today was such a good reminder to me of the importance of family and how families love and support one another. I think that this factor struck me even more so today than it would have normally, because today I find myself in a new place, with new people - who don't truly know me - nor I them. And so this evening, when I received their phone call, it reaffirmed the fact that no matter where I am my family will always be there for me, loving and supporting me from afar. That I may be off adventuring in Florida, or Mexico, or Belize, but whatever happens, they will always be there...and for me, that was a great thing to be reminded of.

Charlie

Today was a sad day.
Today I said goodbye to my sweet cat Charlie.
We have been through a lot together this cat and I.
I got Charlie when I was in college and he was
only nine weeks old.

He was so little. And so sweet.

Then he grew up and got big - but thought that he was still little - and we would come home to find him curled up in boxes that were much too small for him.


Then we moved him to Kirksville where we were all a little family for awhile.

But then our family fell apart and all of a sudden it was just Charlie and I again. Charlie was so sweet to me during that time and would snuggle me and love me and in his own way helped to take care of me. I remember many days of crying on the couch and him coming up and snuggling into me and giving me his love. Every night he would sleep with me, curled up in the crook of my legs. And every time that I would come home he would greet me at the door, give me a friendly "welcome home meow", and lay on the ground like this, hoping for a belly rub.

Having to give him up has been one of the hardest parts of this entire job transition. However, I found a great couple (Paul and Chika) who wanted to take him and who are so excited to have him and love him. I am so grateful for them as it makes it a little bit easier knowing that he is going to a good home. Here is a picture of Paul, Chika and I. Chika works at Trader Joes with me and is one of the sweetest girls I know.
Look at my face, I have this look of "I am totally faking being excited to give you my cat" ha.

Here I am giving Charlie one last kiss. When he left I bawled like a baby. Now that he is gone, I can't wait to get out of this house as it is so lonely without his presence. I am going to miss him, as I think that he took care of me just as much as I took care of him....he was my little lover....

February 2, 2004

I have a week left in Minneapolis and today I am starting to pack up my house to get ready to move. As a rule, I am a terrible packer, because I always get distracted by reading old journals, looking at old pictures, reminiscing about my life, looking through old books....seriously when I pack alone, it takes me forever.

So today while I was supposed to be diligently packing, I came across an old journal of mine and I flipped open to the following journal entry. I read it and couldn't believe what I had written.

Feb. 2, 2004
"Tonight I received an email from Greta and it was all about her adventures in Mexico. While reading it, my longing for adventure became more intense. There is something inside of me that feels like I need to go somewhere alone, by myself for awhile. I need to take an adventure - my basic self is craving it. I want to be completely independent and have adventures and be free. I want to be on my own and not have attachment. I want to find my true self - and perhaps I have to do that without Tyler....."

I read that and was like "holy crap, how spooky". I have been wanting this ever since then, knowing that this was someday coming and that I had to do it without Tyler....There was a part of me that knew. Knew that this was my life plan. Reading that helps to reiterate why I am leaving, why I am going to Mexico, why I am going on this adventure alone....it's because I have always wanted it. It has always been part of my plan - it's just that I got side-tracked for awhile.

Sunny Days

Today is May 18th and it is the first time that I have eaten lunch outside - alone - since November. I remember how last fall I used to do whatever it took to come and eat outside. If it was 50 degrees out, windy and cold - I still bundled up and ate outside until finally it was too cold to bear it anymore.

I was unhappy then, and was more alone than I had ever felt before in my life. However, part of me wanted the solitude and actually yearned for that one hour at lunch where I could get out of my cave of an office and see the light of day. I knew that I needed that hour - that I needed to get outside - that somehow being outside made me happier, even if it did mean that I had to eat alone.

But then I was offered a new position at work which required me to move throughout campus during the day. And all of a sudden I was interacting with lots of people - naughty freshman, funny employees and sweet co-workers - my days were jam packed with meetings and tight schedules, and that, combined with the start of spring (along with some other factors) helped to pull me out of my sadness.

And so now here I am, months later, enjoying my first outdoor lunch of the spring and I am loving it. It is peaceful and sunny and warm and unlike last fall, I am truly enjoying this moment of solitude to be able to reflect on this past school year and see how much has changed. The beat truly does go on.....

Bravery

Tonight I wanted to see exactly how I was feeling at this point last year, so I opened my old journal and came across this entry I had written about how scared I was to go to court and get divorced and how I was going have to find the courage to be brave -- this is what I wrote:

"Currently I am thinking about how I need to be the bravest that I have ever been in my life on Tuesday. I also need to be brave on Monday night to allow myself to go to sleep and to let Tuesday come, and then I need to let Tuesday happen so that I can go to court and get divorced and allow this whole thing to play itself out. Because once this happens it will be done, and there will be nothing to be afraid of anymore, because what I will have been most afraid of happening will have happened - I will be divorced. I just need to be strong and brave, so that I can get there first."

Reading that tonight just made me cry. I can't believe that was me writing those words....pumping myself up....I don't remember having that strength and wisdom in me and I almost wonder where that part of me went. I mean I am sure that it is still here within me somewhere, but I guess that when one is in life's darkest moments that sometimes the best and strongest parts of one's self come out in order for them to survive. For me it was finding bravery within myself so that I could get through the scariest day of my life. I am so glad that I got through it and that one year later my life is so much better. Thank God for bravery, resilience, guidance and love.

Ahh the single life...

So here I am, reflecting on my life and I open my eyes to find myself totally single again. Heart-somewhat-sore; trying-to-protect-myself; giving-boys-that-flirty-smile; yet-having-no-one-to-daydream-about……single.

The last time that I remember feeling this single was when I was 17 and had never had a boyfriend before. Sure I was single during and following the divorce, but my heart was hurting so badly that those months didn’t really count. Then I went to Belize, feeling completely content being alone and discovering myself slowly again – when all of a sudden I met that sweet Jonny boy and my heart went a flutter and the idea of being single went out the window, because well, I was no longer interested in anyone but him….

But now the sweet daydreams of Jonny are quickly fading as he leaves for Peru and our lives go in separate directions. My heart wants so badly to hold on, but I know that there is no hope right now and that it is time for letting go. Jack Johnson says, “The moment keeps on moving – we were never meant to hold on.” Yet as much as I know that the astute lyrics of Jack are right, I still find myself struggling with missing Jonny and not only Jonny, but Tyler as well….

So where does that leave me? Well, it leaves me with the obvious – which is that I am single, with no one to concentrate on but myself. Which in turn means that all of the love and energy that I have been extending to boys all of these years, I can finally direct inward. I have always known that I should love and care for myself first – but it never proved to be quite that easy. So now with these new turn of events, it leaves me with lots of time to concentrate on that who is Elsie Storm and to discover what dreams I have for my life, where I want to go and what I want to do….

- Master’s Degree?
- Live abroad and learn Spanish?
- Travel and be a bum?
- Live in the mountains?
- Move back to Duluth?
- Stay in Minneapolis?

The possibilities are endless – hmm, perhaps one could even look at this whole being single thing as a blessing instead of a curse? I guess that it’s time for me to face my fears and to explore the world alone as a single woman. Time for me to face myself , be patient and really discover who I am….here we go….This may be quite a process, especially when I tend to find boys oh-so-cute. But I think that I am ready for it this time.

One of my favorite quotes is:
“Love the one you are with, that will always include you.”

I think that is a pretty good starting point….

One year later...

It has been one year to the day since Tyler told me that he wanted a divorce. Generally I try not to let myself think about the pain that occurred during that time; however in the weeks leading up to Christmas and New Years it hasn’t been quite as easy to push it from my mind.

Last night my friends and I went out downtown and we ended up parking in the exact same parking spot that I parked in last year when I went to go and meet Tyler for some coffee at Starbucks. As we pulled into the parking spot, every memory of that day came flooding back to me. I remembered going into the Starbucks and sitting down at a table with him to talk and feeling my stomach clench as I realized that he no longer had his wedding ring on. I remembered him coldly and awkwardly trying to tell me that he didn’t want to be with me anymore and me telling him that he couldn’t do this here and that could he at least talk to me in my car. I remembered going back to the exact same parking spot that I was in and sitting in my car as he told me that he wanted a divorce and that he refused to talk to me about it – and I remembered trying to muster up all of the self control that I had to not throw my scalding hot tea water all over his face and crotch (though as I look back on it now, he totally deserved a good crotch-scalding).

It is a hazy memory, but I remember somehow driving myself home to my parent’s house – only to find no one there – and laying in my bed, thinking that I was going to die, until someone finally came home and found me there and took care of me. And I remember feeling like I didn’t know how I was going to survive the pain and how I didn’t know if I was ever going to make it through alive. Yet I see now that I survived and am not only surviving – but am living life again and am experiencing joy in that life, and to me, this is a huge accomplishment. I have found that I am proud of myself for how much better I am this year than I was last. It’s the little things, like being able to eat and make food for myself, or feeling completely content around the dinner table on Christmas Eve, or looking forward to the week ahead of me and being excited for the future. These are little things that may sound minimal to you – but to me are a big deal, because last year at this time I wasn’t able to do any of that. To me it shows I got through last year when I never thought I would and I am here and I am doing okay.

I remember last year on New Years Day my Papa telling that I was going to get through this and that next New Years I would be in a completely different place in my life. Hearing that gave me hope and now here I am already on the brink of 2009, and I see that he was right - I am in a different place - a better place. It has been the hardest year of my life, but has also been the one where I have grown and matured to understand myself and others more than ever before.

Here is a little of what I have learned and realized:

To start off, I made it through the year. When I didn’t think that I would survive – I did. When I didn’t think that I would be happy again – I found happiness. And when I didn’t think that I would find deep, meaningful love again – I found love and loved freely.

I’ve learned about love, trust, friendships, joy and sharing myself with others. I have a greater understanding for pain and empathy and what it means to sacrifice one’s ego. I’ve learned about God and spirit, prayers and healing. And I’ve learned about how powerful it can be to set an intention and the power of a positive (or negative) thought.

I discovered heartbreak, not once, but twice this year. And am still trying to understand and let go of (yet sometimes keep trying with) the most recent one.

I’ve learned that as much as I hate living alone (although I do have my roommate Tiff) that I can do it and that it is indeed possible, but that doesn’t mean I like it.

I’ve discovered that I can do whatever I want with my life and having that freedom is fun and exciting. And I have found there are really great people in this world and that I never would have made such amazing friendships and relationships during this past year if it weren’t for the divorce.

I’ve learned that people view my new life as exciting and adventurous – yet I still can’t really see it as that. And I have found that sometimes I am an inspiration to others – yet that fact is hard for me to comprehend because at times I feel like I am barely holding on.

I’ve found that hugs, laughter, giggling and smiles are incredibly healing. And I’ve learned that forgiveness is key – yet is not necessarily easy.

And most importantly I have shown myself that I can make it through whatever life changes come my way, because if there is one thing that I know it is that life will always change – yet God will never give me anything that I can’t handle.

To sum it all up, I have learned a lot. I have experienced a lot of pain, but also a lot of joy and many sweet, tender moments. I want to thank you for being a part of my life and for all of your support and love....it has been one hell of a year.

I want to declare 2009 to be a year of blessings, joy, adventures and hope. I want to travel, love, be happy, be independent and share myself with others. I want to choose satisfaction and joy and choose to be happy – starting now.

And with that, so long 2008….

The blessings already are….

May 26, 2008

This is an excerpt from something that I wrote on the last page of my journal. I started the journal on January 1 when the whole divorce thing began....and it ended on May 26. I thought that I would share with everyone, how far I have come in the past few months:

I am sitting at Cahal Pech overlooking the valley and listening to the rain on the rooftop. The rain smells delicious and fresh and it is so beautiful watching it come down over the valley. I went and stood in it and it made me feel peaceful and happy. I like it here. What I am here to do is work on my own equilibrium and this still feels, at least for now, like a nourishing climate in which to do that.
Overall I am happy and content and feel like I have come a long way since the beginning of all this. Loneliness still has it's way of creeping up on me, but it's occurrence is fewer and farther between. I am stronger, wiser, more thoughtful, more insightful and am working on loving myself more each day. At times I still feel plagued with the divorce, bit I think that with time it will get easier - it has only been two months.

However right now, in this moment, watching the thunder and lightening over San Ignacio, Belize, I am happy. Life is becoming good again.

Woah Els...you still miss him....

Today I was blog stalking and was reading Jayne's blog and the song "The Luckiest" by Ben Folds (whose concert I just went to on Sunday) came on. The song is so sweet and simple and is about how he is in love with this girl and sees her face everyday and knows that he is the luckiest...and it made me cry so hard. Like the kind of crying where you stomach heaves in and out and your body just shakes. I haven't cried this hard in a few weeks - I think that I have been trying to distract myself with everything else in my life besides the fact that I just recently got divorced. I've been hanging out with friends and going dancing and to concerts and going out of town and planning for Belize and trying not to think about Tyler and how much I miss him. And then I heard this song and I couldn't distract myself any longer and had to just let myself cry and be really sad. I realized that "wow...I really miss him....so so much."

Tomorrow we will have been divorced for a month and it feels like that day was forever ago. Sometimes I still feel like I am grasping for something to hold on to, cause I still feel like my life is spiraling out of control. It is such a strange feeling to be so distracted, but to have this weird, underlying sadness with me wherever I go - only for it to creep up on me when I least expect it and have it explode when I hear a sweet song about a guy being the luckiest man in the world cause he found someone to spend the rest of his life with....and I think....does he miss me too? Does he break down when hes alone? He has to right....I mean hes human....but then again, he is Tyler....so who knows if he misses me. But I miss him....I miss his touch and his hands and his thick calloused fingers and short little finger nails. I miss his kisses and the warmth of his breath and the feeling of his body snuggled up next to mine. I miss not hearing about his day and the way he so lovingly called me Elsa. I miss feeling so comfortable with him and giggling with him and seeing his smile. I miss all the little things - I miss the life that we had together. And I know that it doesn't get me anywhere to dwell on the past, cause that is over now....but at the same time I think that it is ok to do every once and awhile. Its funny how my brain only remembers the good things and so easily pushes out how much of an asshole he was the last three months of our marriage. Regardless, I miss him - asshole tendencies and all.

I'm going to BELIZE!!!

Last week I applied for a volunteer internship program in Belize and I found out on Friday that I was accepted to the program! I am so excited as volunteering and living in another country is something that I have always wanted to do - however I have always had too many ties and haven't been able to go. But now I am not tied to anything....I'm not in a relationship, I'm not employed, I'm not in school....so I figured now is as good as time as ever for me to get the hell outta dodge and have an adventure.

My program starts May 3 and I will be there until June 1. I wanted to stay longer than a month, however I don't think that I can afford it - but being there for a month should be a good amount of time. I am going by myself and will be living with a host family. I am going through an organization called ProWorld and they seem to be pretty legit. I really like them because their volunteer/intern programs are all set up by people who actually live in the country, instead of it being set up by Americans who go in and are like "you need our help....we are going to help you..." I will work five days a week and then on the weekends will go on amazing excursions throughout Belize. I was reading about one excursion that I will be taking and the description is as follows: "You will go to Actun Tunichil Muknal cave where you will first swim in through the cave entrance where you follow an underground river as it snakes its way through the cave, taking the path traveled hundreds of years ago by Mayan priests. You will then climb your way into a large chamber. As you make your way through to the end of the chamber you will pass Mayan pottery as well as skeletal remains. This adventure is one of the best in Belize and is only recently getting the exposure it deserves." SOUNDS AMAZING RIGHT???

As of right now I am not quite sure what type of volunteer work I will be doing - however I do know that the coordinators down there will set me up according to my experience and skills and how I can best use those to serve others. I'll keep ya'll updated as my plans progress....

Another good thing about this whole Belize deal is that it is a great way for me to explain to others what I am currently doing with my life. Meaning that it is so incredibly awkward for me when I run into acquaintances in Duluth and they ask me one of the following questions:

1. Why are you in Duluth? What are you doing home?
2. Hows married life?
3. How is Tyler? Is he here too???

Lately I have been dreading going out to public gatherings because I hate having to explain the entire divorce situation to people. Depending on who I run in to, I answer with either a short synopsis of the truth or if I am feeling somewhat drained I just tell people that I am back in Duluth for a bit and then am going to do a volunteer internship in Belize. Whenever I mention Belize it generally sparks some good conversation and takes people away from questioning what the heck I am doing back here....I'm not really sure how the best way to deal with all of this is - but I think that I am doing the best that I know how in the moment....I'm trying anyway.

The picture above is of the great blue hole in Belize. It is a limestone sinkhole that is 412 feet deep and is a huge snorkeling/scuba diving attraction - I think that it's pretty amazing - and I am excited to see it in person :-)

Lake Superior

Yesterday I took Gracie down to Lake Superior and we took a huge walk along the shore. While walking next to the water I was reminded of how much I really do love this city and how incredible the lake is. The waves were really coming in and crashing up against the rocks and as I stood there with the mist spraying my face I felt surrounded with this feeling of strength and peace. There is something so powerful about this lake - it has a tremendous amount of energy - it is hard to explain, but it just does....

One thing that I love about Duluth is that anywhere you are in the city you can always see Lake Superior.....it is so beautiful and I realized that I really missed that when I was away in Kirksville. I decided today that if the people from Kirksville could move and live in Duluth - life would be great, because then I would have the best of both worlds! :-)

P.S. Today I officially changed my name back....Elsie Storm is here to stay and good thing too, cause lets be honest....Storm is way cooler than Callahan :-)

Wild Geese

I am back in my hometown of Duluth, MN. We arrived home late last night and we unloaded my truck, ate a late dinner and then essentially passed out from exhaustion. This has been one hell of a week for me. A little note of advice: don't quit your job, get divorced and move all in one week....it is way too much to handle.

Getting divorced on Tuesday was one of the most emotionally and physically draining things I have ever done in my life. I can't say too much about it, except that it was really sad for the both of us. Tears were shed on both fronts and we both sort of feel like we are going through a death. In some sense we are - it is the death of our marriage and of our hopes and dreams with each other - and because of that and of having to say goodbye to one another we are both sad. Yes, thats right...I said both....he finally showed me some emotion....

Last week I hardly slept and was having troubles with bouts of insomnia. I think that there was just too much on my mind for me to be able to sleep. However now that I am at my parent's house I am finally able to allow my body to rest and last night I slept for nine hours and it was the most sleep that I have gotten in quite some time.

Today I was thinking about how much I miss Kirksville and how I wish that I were back there like crazy. I woke up this morning dreaming about one of my friends there and I was struck with the harsh reality that it was only and dream and that I will not be back for quite some time. I think that I had really prepared myself to leave Tyler, but I never really took time to process leaving all of my beloved friends behind. My friends in Kirksville became my family while I was there and I currently feel lost without them. Can I come back please :-)

It snowed five inches in Duluth today - big fluffy snowflakes - and with that I can say goodbye to any hope of spring coming soon! It's strange because I currently don't feel at home here in Duluth. I feel at home in my parents house, but this city is no longer home to me and that is taking some getting adjusted to.

Tonight I went to my first ever poetry reading. Mary Oliver who is a Pulitzer Prize winner came to Duluth and a friend asked me if I wanted to go and listen to her read her poems.... I decided that I wanted to go...and I ended up really enjoying it. Below is my favorite poem that she read - I really like it because it seems to encourage the reader to look inside during times of hardship as well as continue to keep looking forward....

Wild Geese
by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

D-Day

Well, today was the divorce and it was hard. I can't really write too much about it right now because I am still trying to wrap my head around it. But I can say that I feel different....a little empty, pretty sad and definitely not married anymore. I am exhausted on all levels - but I survived and thats a good thing. People have been really good to me today and I am so grateful for that....thank you to everyone who has helped to take care of me throughout all of this, I really appreciate it.

The dreaming tree

There is a song by Dave Matthews Band called "The Dreaming Tree" and in the song he says:

"She gave it all she had
But treasures slowly fade
Now she's falling hard
She feels the fall of dark
How did this fall apart
She drinks to fill it up
A smile of sweetest flowers
Wilted so and soured
Black tears stain the cheeks
That once were so admired
She thinks when she was small
There on her father's knee
How he had promised her
You'll always be my baby
Daddy come quick
The dreaming tree has died "

Lately I have been thinking a lot about how what I had always envisioned for my life with Tyler is no longer going to happen. The way that I interpret "The Dreaming Tree" is that it is about how childhood dreams die in the whole growing up process - ideals crushed, hearts broken, innocence lost....

Since the beginning of January I feel like I have grown up a tremendous amount. As March 25th looms closer and closer this whole divorce feels like more and more of a reality. It is really sinking in like "wow, my marriage is going to be over" and with the finality of that, a lot of dreams that I had will be over for the time being as well. It is so strange to think about not continuing on to rotations and residency with him (not that being a wife of a resident was a huge, grand dream of mine - lets be honest here). But important dreams - like having a family and children - are going to have to be put on hold for the time being and that is a tough one for me to swallow right now. I really, really want to have kids and be a mom and it is sad for me to know that right now thats not what is going to happen in my life. But I think that someday it will and that ray of hope for the future is a good one...because good news, I am only 23 and still have a lot of life ahead of me.

Last weekend I had some friends over for dinner and my friend's dad came along. I had never met his dad before and he asked why I was moving back to MN, to which I replied "I am getting divorced." He looked at me with the sweetest look in his eyes and told me the following story. He said "I was once divorced...I was married to my first wife for three years...and it didn't work out. But I can look back on that experience now and see that it worked out for the best, because I had to go through that to be who I am today. Because of my divorce I was able to grow and meet my current wife and make this beautiful family with her. So Elsie, please know that there is hope for the future and that you will be ok. Keep living your life with your heart open and always follow your heart and your inner knowing for that will never lead you astray." As he told me that I had tears running down my cheeks and was so grateful that he had shared his story with me, as well as his profound comments on love and life. It was exactly what I needed to hear, as earlier in the day I was really struggling with the whole lost dreams/family issue. Ever since that night I have been reminding myself to go forward with my heart open and to trust in myself.

Someone told me the other week "Tyler is living his dream (or so he says) - it is now time for you to live yours." So with that, I am working on compiling my new dreams of being a single woman and all of the adventures that I can and will have....it's kind of exciting to think of all the possibilities. And so when I am sad and lonely and freaked out about the divorce and the move, I have been trying to think about all of the opportunities that will come my way.

I will end with one of my favorite quotes:

"I began to have an idea of my life, not as the slow shaping of achievement to fit my preconceived purposes, but as the gradual discovery and growth of a purpose of which I did not know" - Joanna Field, English Psychologist.

Love is a feeling, marriage is a contract, and relationships are work.

Well, where to start....I guess that I will begin with the fact of the matter, which is I am getting divorced. I have decided to explain the situation in a decent amount of detail, as it isn't just as simple for me to say "I'm getting divorced" and move on from there. Just a note of warning: this blog will probably be pretty honest, somewhat raw and have a decent amount of emotion in it - but this is how I feel right now, and I'm not quite sure how else to write it...so here goes...

Over Christmas, Tyler and I went home to Duluth, MN for break. On December 27 he took me to a Starbucks and told me that he no longer wanted to be married to me, he didn't want to talk to me about it, he didn't really want to give me any reasons and that he wasn't willing to work on it. I was in complete shock, as I thought that our newly married life together was great. We had been dating for four years and were married in June.

After hearing the news, I went into shock both physically, mentally and emotionally and felt as if I was grieving the same type of grief that people go through when they experience a sudden death. I couldn't eat, sleep or function - however I knew that I had to leave MN and come back to Kirksville to work and carry on with my life. I was terrified to come back, however I had found out that Tyler had come back to Kirksville prior to me and moved out of our house and into another medical students apt. and hearing that news made me realize that I needed to get back sooner than later.

I arrived home to Kirksville and was greeted by the Schuermann's who so sweetly took me into their hearts and home and gave me a tremendous amount of care - I don't think that I could have survived any of this without them. I went back to work and told some of my co-workers and some of my close friends about the divorce. I found that by telling people what was going on helped my situation immensely as it helped so much to know that others were caring for me and thinking of me and sending me their love and prayers. It was at this point in my life where I really started to believe in the power of prayer. I think that I had always believed in prayer, however had never fully experienced its power until this point. It is hard to describe, but I could feel others love and energy surrounding me and protecting me - and I had this inner knowing that the reason I was able to survive as well as I was, was because of the prayers and love that people were sending me.

Throughout all of this I was still trying to talk with Tyler and do whatever I could to save our marriage. However, he refused to talk to me about it - and still to this day we have not discussed it in full. Our marriage will be officially dissolved on March 25 and I am pretty scared. However, my hope is that I can look back on this in 5-10 years with clarity and understanding and have a knowing as to why this had to happen. I believe that everything happens for a reason - however knowing that doesn't really make this any easier. I do know that I will be OK and that I will continue to survive. I can already see now that I am indeed surviving and that I am doing so much better now than I was three months ago when I first arrived back to Kirksville after Christmas. I am much stronger and at times level headed and am able to function much better on a daily basis. I still cry daily however it is a different type of cry than it was at first. My crying doesn't have as much pain associated with it anymore, it's hard to explain...but it's just different. Sometimes I cry because my heart is overflowing with all of the love that people show me, sometimes I cry when I hear other's stories of times when they have had hardship and sometimes I just cry because I miss him so damn much.

I am officially leaving town on March 30 and my last day of work is this Friday. I am so sad to leave and to have to say goodbye to everyone - however I know that I must leave in order for me to continue on with my life and to take care of myself. I have stayed so much longer than I ever thought I would and now all of a sudden I only have two weeks left and I am kind of freaked out about it. I never thought that I would end up loving Kirksville as much as I do - yet now as it is being taken away from me - I can't seem to get enough. However, I know that it would be too hard to stay here and to see Tyler on a daily basis and no longer be his wife, as it is hard enough as it is to just see him in the halls now and not interact with him. There are also other dynamics that make it hard for me - such as another girl who is currently occupying his attention - and I can handle a lot...but I can't handle that...yes, it is time for me to leave.

Throughout all of this I have tried to look for the blessings that have come with this whole situation and I have found that there are many. Through sharing my story with people I have been able to experience and receive others love, care and wisdom - and it has made me truly see what good people there are in this world. I have made some amazing new friends through all of this and have become even closer with my current ones. I have started running a lot and have found that I really like it and that it is a great way for me to release emotion. I have a greater understanding of pain and grieving and because of that - empathy and compassion. I have also started to discover myself and am finding out who I truly am. I always wanted to be this strong, independent, free, loving woman, and I can see now that I am becoming her. I also have become much more intune with myself and have learned to listen to the wisdom of my heart as I go about each day.

One of my favorite quotes that I have read recently is "When life gives you lemons, you paint that shit gold" So here I am...working on turning my life gold again...It is going to be quite the process, but I know that eventually it will happen and life will be great again. I will continue to update my blog a lot, especially in the next few weeks, so make sure to continue to keep checking back :-)

Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your support, love and prayers - it means the world to me.