Three Years Later

-->

It wasn’t until I finished writing this that I remembered that in 2008 I had written the same type of reflection except it was titled “One Year Later” instead of three. I am so glad to see that I am now over the “survival” phase and onto the “living” phase. Whew. I am grateful for that. I don’t know if this reflection is as well written, as this one was more of a reflection for myself and not necessarily to be shared with others – but I am sharing it anyways. So read along….

December 27, 2010

Three years ago today I sat in a Starbucks as I watched my husband tell me that he no longer wanted to be married to me anymore. Three years ago, I saw my sweet, perfect, little world crash before my eyes. And three years ago, I thought that life had ended and I wasn’t quite sure how I was going to go on.

Today – exactly three years later – I am sitting in a Starbucks yet once again, but this time I am not sitting in that dreadful corner table on Superior Street in Duluth, MN. This time I am sitting at the Starbucks in the Lima, Peru airport awaiting my flight to Cusco. This time I see that my life didn’t end, that in fact it did go on and that it has done a pretty good turn around, as it is oh so sweet again.

Though three years later, I still struggle at times. The Holidays still have ways of bringing back flashbacks of Tyler, his family, and the hellish pain that I went through that first Christmas alone. I still struggle with insecurities, trust and the wonder of believing in a lasting marriage again. Sometimes the emotional turmoil that I put myself through with these thoughts knocks me off my center. Makes me lose myself. Makes me forget my true being.

My true being – she who is loving and kind. She who smiles often and throws her head back in laughter. She who is strong in herself. She who trusts and loves freely – not withholding her love because of pettiness. She who lets go and lets God. And she who remembers to trust in Him and just live life in by which doing so, she will answer all of her questions.

I forget to do this sometimes. I forget to trust in God and I don’t always love unconditionally. I get caught up in the negativity of these lower realms of life and become afraid of losing and being hurt again. And I forget that I am strong and that in my core I am already everything that I want to be, I just have to move my awareness there and recognize the reality of my own soul. And most of all, I forget to forgive. I forget to forgive myself. I forget to continually forgive Tyler and Jonny and everyone else who has once caused my heart pain. And I forget to forgive others whom I have judged and forgive myself for judging them.

So where does this leave me three years later? Well….an obvious work in progress I guess. I’m happier – that’s for sure. I have learned to love again – and it’s been wonderful. And I’m still working on finding and creating myself – though I have a feeling I will be working on that for the rest of my life. Am I totally content? Not quite yet. Can I freely say that this divorce happened for a reason (still somewhat unknown to me) and that I am better because of it? Yes. Though I can’t say that I have seen the full circle of it yet, but I don’t know if I will until I have my own family again and feel truly happy and secure. But, I can see clearly that if I hadn’t gone through the divorce, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I wouldn’t have this amazing job, or experienced these phenomenal travels, or be in love with this darling Jonny of mine – who I feel is so much more compatible for me than Tyler ever was.

So am I doing okay? Yeah. I sure am. Though I still have a lot to work on and get through – but don’t we all?

So cheers to the New Year, growth and resilience. I want to declare 2011 to be a year of dedication to myself, to love and to God. I want to laugh often, love freely and align spiritually. I want adventures, travels, good health and joy. And I want to do this in partnership with myself, Spirit and others….being aware of the divinity that is within us all….. Starting Now.

So with that, so long 2010

…..and the beat goes on!

The blessings already are.

Viva Oaxaca

So I have been meaning to write this post for about a month now, but haven't really had the ganas (desire) to do so, until now. I'm not sure why, but I didn't. I feel a little afraid, a little excited, a little nervous, some disbelief and a decent amount of happiness about the fact that I will be - moving to Mexico - in March - for a year - with Jonny Roman. Woah. Big news.

So I am sure that you are all wondering, how the heck did I get this commitment-phobe boy to 1. commit to me and 2. Leave Peru and 3. Move to Mexico - speaking of which, why Mexico? Well....let me fill you in on a little bit of the backstory.

It all started when we were saying goodbye to each other once again at the airport and as we cried and hugged and felt knots in our stomachs, we decided that we were so sick of saying goodbye to each other at airports. We had essentially done this way too many times, and we didn't want to do it anymore - we wanted our lives to be together and we were ready. So, we wrote a proposal to our jefes, explaining the situation and asking them if we could live together but continue to work for ProWorld. They came back to us and were incredibly supportive and asked me to write up my ideal scene for my job. At first I was a little overwhelmed with their request, because I felt like what was ideal for me was not necessarily ideal for the company, but I decided - screw it - I am going to ask for everything that I want and then they can say yes to some and no to others. So I did - I asked for a whole list of things that I wanted - and I got everything. It was amazing and a great lesson in learning to just ask for what you want, because you never know when people will completely comply and the Universe will get in line and give you what you are asking for. I have a lot to be grateful for right now.

Anyway...back to the story...so originally one thing that we had asked for was that I move to Peru, as that seemed the most logical decision - Jonny is living there, I love it there, I would be happy to live there, etc etc. However, when the jefes came back with their decision, they offered us Mexico instead as it was more in line with my position in the company. Jonny just happened to be visiting me in the States during the week that we were presented with the Mexico option, so we talked it over and came to the conclusion that really it was much better for both of us than Peru was. I would get a promotion, Jonny would get to live in a new country, Mexico is closer to the States which makes it easier to visit home and it is a neutral place for both of us - one of us isn't moving for the other - we are moving together and I love that. So Mexico it is! We are leaving in the beginning of March and are thinking of possibly driving. So if any of you know someone who has recently driven to Mexico can you please put me in touch with them? We are trying to research our options so that we can stay safe if we decide to drive and cross borders through - oh you know - major drug war areas.....

So until then, whats next? Well....I am currently in Duluth. On the 11th I head to San Francisco where I meet up with Jonny and we attend a ProWorld conference, then I come home for Christmas, then head to Peru Dec 26-Jan 20, come back to the States for six weeks and then Viva Oaxaca! It's kind of a lot in the next few months, but I am so looking forward to it. And for any of you who want to start planning a trip to come and visit us in Mexico....let me know....we would love to have visitors! And just so you know, where we live in Oaxaca is super safe and far far far away from any of the drug war infested areas - so would be a perfect, and authentic way to vacation! Plus, you would get to hang out with me :-)

And just a little side note - two years ago - I had just left Belize, Jonny and I had ended our relationship because he was moving to Peru, I was convinced that I would never see him again, and was pretty much heartbroken over the situation. And now two years later we are back together, life is really sweet, and we are moving to Mexico together. I love how life continues to surprise, challenge and uplift me. The Blessings already are.