Masking the Pain

The past few days I was on a whirl wind trip to San Francisco for work.  I had to go into our office headquarters on Thursday and Friday to handle some structural changes within ProWorld.  The actual time in the office ended up being better than expected, but leading up to it I was scared to go and really didn’t want to be there – as this office in particular really reminded me of Jonny, and everyone there still thought that we were dating and that we were living in Colorado together, and so I knew that by going in would mean having to tell people over and over again that we weren’t together.  And it did.  And it was hard.  But I survived it and managed through...though there was this small part of my ego that was frustrated that Jonny got to go to Colorado and have a fresh start where no one knows of him and me and he gets to run away from the question of “how’s Elsie?”  Because let me tell you – it is painful having to answer that question over and over again, having to explain to people that we are no longer together, that “no, I’m actually not in Colorado right now” – it all sucks, and I know it is part of this process, but part of me wishes that he would have to deal with it in a full on swing like I did these past two days – yet, I know that he never will and I guess that is ok as he is probably trying to deal with his own stuff anyway….

 So while there were some moments of San Francisco that I really enjoyed, for the most part, this was a pretty hard trip. The hardest part of this trip was in the mornings before work.  When my sadness hits, it seems to always hit me hardest in the mornings and it came in with both fists swinging when I was in San Francisco, and so for both Thurs and Fri I found myself unable to get up those mornings.  I bawled in bed as I curled into the fetal position, sobbing as my stomach heaved in and out, unable to breathe, whispering to God to help me as I felt so abandoned and alone in the emptiness of my hotel room.  The little girl inside of me didn’t like this situation and wanted so badly to be scooped up and loved.  But I realized in that moment that the only one there to love me was me.  That there was no one else who could get me out of bed besides me.  And I heard this little voice within me talking to myself, saying “Come on Elsa, you need to get up, just get dressed and go to work, you can do this…..” and I knew that I had to listen to her because that voice meant that there was still this strength within me that wouldn’t allow me to give up completely.  That voice would make me get out of bed and put on a sassy skirt and red heels, dry my eyes and apply mascara, and walk down the streets of San Francisco and into the 10th floor of that corporate office looking strong and composed.  And I did it and I think that I fooled almost everyone (and maybe even myself), to think that I was completely fine.  And it made me think about what a good actress I was that day – that no one would have imagined that only an hour before, I was crying so hard that I literally could not breathe – and then it made me wonder how many more people are out there doing the same thing, masking the pain that they are experiencing in their lives, putting on a face to make everyone think that they are ok.  I am sure there are many and that I am not the only one.  But we never know, because that inner sadness is something that we typically only experience when we are alone, and in todays world with Facebook and blogging and everything social media – we are being convinced to believe that everyone’s lives are perfect.  We are being conditioned to think that other’s lives are beautiful and flawless and oh so shiny with their happy pictures and funny statues.  And you know what I’m talking about, because I guarantee that many of you have taken a picture at one point or another with the purpose behind it being only to post it on Facebook or your blog so that others would think that your life is really great, because in that moment that picture showed that it was.  “I want people to see how happy I am, because then maybe they won’t see all of my imperfections and feelings of inadequacy.”  And I’m not saying that all pictures posted on Facebook and blogs are representing that – because many of you really are happy and that is wonderful and I am happy for you and love hearing about your lives – I know that I was in that happy place once and that most of my pictures were legitimate, but definitely not all of them, as there were also some that were trying to hide the imperfections of my life that I never wanted anyone to ever see.  But I also know that the pain, fear and aloneness that I am feeling is not unique to me.  That there are others of you walking around with the same dull, inner sadness of knowing that not everything within your life right now is as perfect as you wish it could be.

So I’m sharing my story with you today because I don’t want to hide it anymore and so that maybe by reading this you won’t feel as alone and will remember to tune into your inner voice of strength too, and really I’m writing this, because I don’t know what else to do, but I do know that I sure as hell am not going to sugar coat it anymore – as that wouldn’t be being true to who I am and what I am going through right now.  It has been over a month since our relationship ended and life is still really hard and I’m sure that it will continue to be for a while.  But I am looking forward to that day when I am truly happy again.  When I can post pictures on Facebook because happiness is my true reality, not because I want everyone to think of me as joyful when I’m really not.  I am holding onto so much faith that I will get there and that there is a bright, shining light on the other side of this dark and gloomy tunnel.  But until then, I just need to keep listening to the strength of that loving voice inside of me who continues to remind me to keep on keeping on…..well, that and continue to wear sassy outfits with red heels once and awhile, because getting double takes seems to help too….

The Peace of Wild Things

I found this poem on my aunt's fridge this weekend and loved it.

THE PEACE OF WILD THINGS

~Wendell Berry

When despair for the world grows in me

and I wake in the night at the least sound

in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,

I go and lie down where the wood drake

rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.

I come into the peace of wild things

who do not tax their lives with forethought

of grief.  I come into the presence of still water.

And I feel above me the day-blind stars

waiting with their light.  For a time

I rest in the grace of the world, and I am free.

Reading this helped me realize that I am most peaceful within myself when I am out in nature.  Ever since Jonny has left and moved to Colorado, I've been having a hard time appreciating the beauty and nature that is surrounding me here in Minnesota, because alls I wanted to do was to be in the mountains with him.  Yet, I know that I am surrounded by amazing beauty here and so I have been trying to appreciate that more as a way to let go of the attachment to Colorado.  

I made a goal for myself on Saturday night, that for the next month, for every day that I am in Duluth that I am going to go down to the lake.  I decided this because I needed to find a way to let go of Colorado, to be present here and to appreciate what is surrounding me instead of living in this sad fantasy world within my head.  So as I was pondering about Colorado and what really attracted me to want to be there, I realized that the main reason was the mountains and how majestic they are and how much power and beauty they hold, and how being in the mountains makes me feel so small, yet so grounded at the same time.  And then I realized that while I don't have mountains here, I do have the greatest lake in the world in my backyard.  Lake Superior has an immense power to her that for me is so healing and grounding.  And just like the mountains, she makes me feel so small, yet so centered in my being.  And so I decided that I need to take advantage of the fact that this power is right here, because I haven't been doing that, I had been home for a month and a half and hadn't gone to see the lake until Saturday.  So on Saturday night I went, it was 10:30 p.m. and I just stood on a rock on the shore and let the energy soak in, and it helped, because for the first time in a long time I felt grounded and felt that sense of peace coming to me from within this wild thing.  

So that is my goal - go down to the lake for a little bit everyday and let her heal me and let my grief and my tears dissolve into her waves....I'm still so sad at this point that I'm not sure what else to do, so while this is still no Colorado mountains, I need to start somewhere....and this is it. 

Swimming on Sunday and feeling oh so tiny and alive. 

The Awakening

Today has been a day of sobbing.  I read this tonight through teary eyes and thought to myself  "Hot Damn, this sounds dreamy.  I'm not there yet, but I'm learning...."

Read on sweet peas, Read on.....

--------

There comes a time in your life when you finally get it ... When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out "ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on." And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world from a new perspective.

..........This is your awakening.

So you begin making your way through the "reality of today" rather than holding out for the "promise of tomorrow." You realize that much of who you are and the way you navigate through life is, in great part, a result of all the social conditioning you've received over the course of a lifetime. And you begin to sift through all the nonsense you were taught about :

- how you should look and how much you should weigh,
- what you should wear and where you should shop,
- where you should live or what type of car you should drive,
- who you should sleep with and how you should behave,
- who you should marry and why you should stay,
- the importance of bearing children or what you owe your family,

Slowly you begin to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin re-assessing and re-defining who you are and what you really believe in. And you begin to discard the doctrines you have outgrown, or should never have practiced to begin with.

And, you take a long look at yourself in the mirror and you make a promise to give yourself the same unconditional love and support you give so freely to others. Then a sense of confidence is born of self-approval.

And, you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" hungry for your next fix, a new dress, another pair of shoes or looks of approval and admiration from family, friends or even strangers who pass by. Then you discover that it is truly in "giving" that we receive, and that the joy and abundance you seek grows out of the giving. And you recognize the importance of "creating" and "contributing" rather than "obtaining" and "accumulating."

And you give thanks for the simple things you've been blessed with, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about - a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, the freedom of choice and the opportunity to pursue your own dreams.

And you begin to love and to care for yourself. You stop engaging in self-destructive behaviors, including participating in dysfunctional relationships. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and exercising. And because you've learned that fatigue drains the spirit and creates doubt and fear, you give yourself permission to rest. And just as food is fuel for the body, laughter is fuel for the spirit and so you make it a point to create time for play.

Then you learn about love and relationships - how to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving, and when to walk away. And you allow only the hands of a lover who truly loves and respects you to glorify you with his touch. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say, intentionally or unintentionally, and that not everyone will always come through... and interestingly enough, it's not always about you. So, you stop lashing out and pointing fingers or looking to place blame for the things that were done to you or weren't done for you. And you learn to keep your Ego in check and to acknowledge and redirect the destructive emotions it spawns - anger, jealousy and resentment.

You learn how to say "I was wrong" and to forgive people for their own human frailties. You learn to build bridges instead of walls and about the healing power of love as it is expressed through a kind word, a warm smile or a friendly gesture. And, at the same time, you eliminate any relationships that are hurtful or fail to uplift and edify you. You stop working so hard at smoothing things over and setting your needs aside. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your right to want or expect certain things. And you learn the importance of communicating your needs with confidence and grace. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that eventually martyrs are burned at the stake. Then you learn to distinguish between guilt, and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to Say NO. You learn that you don't know all the answers, it's not your job to save the world and that sometimes you just need to Let Go.

Moreover, you learn to look at people as they really are and not as you would want them to be, and you are careful not to project your neediness or insecurities onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love and relationships, and that that not everyone can always love you the way you would want them to. So you stop appraising your worth by the measure of love you are given. And suddenly you realize that it's wrong to demand that someone live their life or sacrifice their dreams just to serve your needs, ease your insecurities, or meet "your" standards and expectations. You learn that the only love worth giving and receiving is the love that is given freely without conditions or limitations. And you learn what it means to love. So you stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that "alone" does not mean "lonely" and you begin to discover the joy of spending time "with yourself" and "on yourself." Then you discover the greatest and most fulfilling love you will ever know - Self Love. And so it comes to pass that, through understanding, your heart heals; and now all new things are possible.

And you stop looking for guarantees, because you've learned that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected and that whatever happens, you'll learn to deal with it. And you learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time - FEAR itself. So you learn to step right into and through your fears, because to give into fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. You learn that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophesy and you learn to go after what you want and not to squander your life living under a cloud of indecision or feelings of impending doom.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you TAKE a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

A word about the Power of Prayer: In some of my darkest, most painful and frightening hours, I have prayed, not for the answers to my prayers or for material things, but for my "God" to help me find the strength, confidence and courage to persevere; to face each day and to do what I must do.

Remember this:- You are an expression of the almighty. The spirit of God resides within you and moves through you. Open your heart, speak to that spirit and it will heal and empower you.
My "God" has never failed me.

~Sonny Carroll

Keys to being more loving...

I was reading this excerpt in a book called "Fulfilling your Spiritual Promise" this morning, and this part really resonated with me as it hit on every single thing that I'm currently working on within my life right now - being patient, loving myself, loving others to let them be who they are going to be, forgiveness, letting go, etc.... So when I read this, I decided to post it up - mainly so that I can come back to it and refresh my memory when I need to be reminded that Loving is key.

"Loving can be defined as so many ways.  We can refer to loving as not hurting yourself and not hurting anyone else and as taking care of yourself so you can help take care of others.  If you truly do these things, you will be more loving.

Loving may look like many things to many people......

• It may look like patience, where you let things unfold the way they are going to anyway
• It might look like tolerance and acceptance, where you let people be what they need to be; even if you do not think it is terrific, you know that underneath whatever is going on for them, they are doing the very best they know how.
• Loving may also look like being good to yourself and knowing that you are doing your very best at the time.
• It may be serving someone with no thought of recognition or gain.
• It may be living your life in honesty and integrity and keeping your agreements with yourself and others.
• It may be forgiveness of yourself, others, situations and circumstances
• And of course, loving can also come in many other forms and expressions.  But start with the loving, and then let your expression and behavior come from that."

Pretty good stuff - right?  A little easier said than done at times, but I definitely think that it is profound and accurate.  I'm working on it....  :-)

Silence

Silence.
The most obscure sound I've ever heard.
Those lonely giant spaces in-between your every word.
And maybe I'm totally crazy for holding on,
But just cause I'm insane, don't mean that I'm wrong...

Now that you're gone
I can't sleep at night
I barely even function right
My memory's on overdrive
Too hungry -
And too cold to cry.

Miss the companionship we once took for granted,
The way you helped me manage,
The partnership that vanished.

But I can't expect you to stay chained by my ankle
There's so much world to see, so fly free my angel.

I'm dying without you -
But it's teaching me to live...

Heaven ain't something someone else can give - it's all inside of Me.

~Eyedea

The Journey

One of my favorite poets is a woman by the name of Mary Oliver.  This evening I was looking for her poem Wild Geese which is one of my favorites - but instead I came across this one below called The Journey.

“The Journey”

by Mary Oliver

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you 

kept shouting

their bad advice-

though the whole house 

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

“Mend my life!”

each voice cried.

But you didn’t stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers at the very foundations,

though their melancholy

was terrible.

It was already late 

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company 

as you strode deeper and deeper into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do-

determined to save

the only life that you could save.

 I've read this poem before - though never while in the midst of despair - but while reading it tonight, it really resonated with me as I feel like I am on this Journey to "save my life" as she says and I'm slowly realizing that no one can do that for me but myself.  Though, I keep wanting other people to save it because that just seems easier.  I keep wanting someone to come along with the magic words and perfect solution that is going to take all of this pain and hardship away.  I went to the therapist yesterday hoping that he would be my "quick fix".  He wasn't.  Obviously.  There is no quick fix to this - only a slow, long, grueling fix.  One that people keep reminding me will take a long time.  One lady told me the other day that it took her 5 years to get over her boyfriend - I thought "Oh Lord, please don't let it be that long....1 week has been hellish enough - I can't do 5 years".  And I won't.  I know I won't.  But right now, pushing through this sadness seems like quite the feat.  It's just so stinking sad.  

But it is also different than my divorce - very different.  For 1. We were partners, we weren't married - that makes it easier, not much, but a little.  2. He isn't behaving like Tyler did.  He is being so nice and sweet and understanding and trying to make this easier on me.  We are really friendly too each other - almost too friendly at times.  I can't get over wanting to continue to help him and love him and give him advice.  I loved being in that role for him and it is hard to give up - but I know that I need to.  3. This break up is unlike any that most people go through.  It is just so different.  He is sad and scared.  I am sad and scared. We both still love each other - we just can't be together right now, if ever - and that thought kills me.

Jonny was supposed to arrive to MN yesterday to hang out with me and my family and pack me up and move us to CO.  He isn't here and yesterday was a really hard day - and him not arriving kind of felt like the dream was dying all over again.  I'm sure that there will be a few more moments like that in the coming days - but I'm trying my best to get through them.

My friends and family have been really good to me.  Today my friend Greta ordered me a set of healing essential oils and some lavender lotion and told me that she is sending me a care package.  Knowing that she did that made me feel so loved, so taken care of, and for a brief moment I thought "I'm going to be ok, people love me, they really do, maybe these silly men don't love me enough to stick around, but other people do and I will survive."  It was a good feeling having that moment of hope and it helped me get through the rest of my afternoon.  

So here I am - back on this journey, of trying to figure out how the hell I am going to turn my life gold again.  Right now, it's cloudy and foggy and depressing and so not clear - but like Ms. Oliver says the only one who can do it is me....I'm just waiting for this cloud to pass, so that the determination can come in once again - hopefully it makes its appearance soon, because I know that I have to do it and I have to make it good - Paint That Shit Gold: Part 2 (whoever would have thought?!  Ha.  not me.....here we go again!)

Love,

E