Masking the Pain

The past few days I was on a whirl wind trip to San Francisco for work.  I had to go into our office headquarters on Thursday and Friday to handle some structural changes within ProWorld.  The actual time in the office ended up being better than expected, but leading up to it I was scared to go and really didn’t want to be there – as this office in particular really reminded me of Jonny, and everyone there still thought that we were dating and that we were living in Colorado together, and so I knew that by going in would mean having to tell people over and over again that we weren’t together.  And it did.  And it was hard.  But I survived it and managed through...though there was this small part of my ego that was frustrated that Jonny got to go to Colorado and have a fresh start where no one knows of him and me and he gets to run away from the question of “how’s Elsie?”  Because let me tell you – it is painful having to answer that question over and over again, having to explain to people that we are no longer together, that “no, I’m actually not in Colorado right now” – it all sucks, and I know it is part of this process, but part of me wishes that he would have to deal with it in a full on swing like I did these past two days – yet, I know that he never will and I guess that is ok as he is probably trying to deal with his own stuff anyway….

 So while there were some moments of San Francisco that I really enjoyed, for the most part, this was a pretty hard trip. The hardest part of this trip was in the mornings before work.  When my sadness hits, it seems to always hit me hardest in the mornings and it came in with both fists swinging when I was in San Francisco, and so for both Thurs and Fri I found myself unable to get up those mornings.  I bawled in bed as I curled into the fetal position, sobbing as my stomach heaved in and out, unable to breathe, whispering to God to help me as I felt so abandoned and alone in the emptiness of my hotel room.  The little girl inside of me didn’t like this situation and wanted so badly to be scooped up and loved.  But I realized in that moment that the only one there to love me was me.  That there was no one else who could get me out of bed besides me.  And I heard this little voice within me talking to myself, saying “Come on Elsa, you need to get up, just get dressed and go to work, you can do this…..” and I knew that I had to listen to her because that voice meant that there was still this strength within me that wouldn’t allow me to give up completely.  That voice would make me get out of bed and put on a sassy skirt and red heels, dry my eyes and apply mascara, and walk down the streets of San Francisco and into the 10th floor of that corporate office looking strong and composed.  And I did it and I think that I fooled almost everyone (and maybe even myself), to think that I was completely fine.  And it made me think about what a good actress I was that day – that no one would have imagined that only an hour before, I was crying so hard that I literally could not breathe – and then it made me wonder how many more people are out there doing the same thing, masking the pain that they are experiencing in their lives, putting on a face to make everyone think that they are ok.  I am sure there are many and that I am not the only one.  But we never know, because that inner sadness is something that we typically only experience when we are alone, and in todays world with Facebook and blogging and everything social media – we are being convinced to believe that everyone’s lives are perfect.  We are being conditioned to think that other’s lives are beautiful and flawless and oh so shiny with their happy pictures and funny statues.  And you know what I’m talking about, because I guarantee that many of you have taken a picture at one point or another with the purpose behind it being only to post it on Facebook or your blog so that others would think that your life is really great, because in that moment that picture showed that it was.  “I want people to see how happy I am, because then maybe they won’t see all of my imperfections and feelings of inadequacy.”  And I’m not saying that all pictures posted on Facebook and blogs are representing that – because many of you really are happy and that is wonderful and I am happy for you and love hearing about your lives – I know that I was in that happy place once and that most of my pictures were legitimate, but definitely not all of them, as there were also some that were trying to hide the imperfections of my life that I never wanted anyone to ever see.  But I also know that the pain, fear and aloneness that I am feeling is not unique to me.  That there are others of you walking around with the same dull, inner sadness of knowing that not everything within your life right now is as perfect as you wish it could be.

So I’m sharing my story with you today because I don’t want to hide it anymore and so that maybe by reading this you won’t feel as alone and will remember to tune into your inner voice of strength too, and really I’m writing this, because I don’t know what else to do, but I do know that I sure as hell am not going to sugar coat it anymore – as that wouldn’t be being true to who I am and what I am going through right now.  It has been over a month since our relationship ended and life is still really hard and I’m sure that it will continue to be for a while.  But I am looking forward to that day when I am truly happy again.  When I can post pictures on Facebook because happiness is my true reality, not because I want everyone to think of me as joyful when I’m really not.  I am holding onto so much faith that I will get there and that there is a bright, shining light on the other side of this dark and gloomy tunnel.  But until then, I just need to keep listening to the strength of that loving voice inside of me who continues to remind me to keep on keeping on…..well, that and continue to wear sassy outfits with red heels once and awhile, because getting double takes seems to help too….