Graduation

On Sunday, August 24, 2014, I partook in the proudest moment of my life thus far when I graduated with a Master’s in Spiritual Psychology from the University of Santa Monica.  The actual act of graduating wasn’t what made me proud – it is who I have become over the past two years that makes me proud.

Right after my graduation ceremony!

 When I first started USM in October of 2012, I was somewhat of a mess.  I was depressed, heartbroken and living with a victim mentality.  I wasn’t quite sure that I loved myself, or that I was even worthy of being loved, I didn’t know how to truly listen, I hid my true self from others for fear of being judged by them and because of that I judged the shit out of myself and everyone else because I was so unhappy. 

Now fast-forward two years, and after a tremendous amount of deep, transformational work, I can finally say that I feel good.  Words don’t suffice what my experience was like, however I can say that I have had a radical shift from October 2012 to Now.  I can say clearly now without any hesitation that I have fallen in love with myself and that I know that I am so worthy of giving and receiving love – no matter what.  I’ve learned about the tremendous value of compassionate self-forgiveness and what unconditional love truly looks like.  I’ve learned how to look at different situations and not judge them, but instead to see past what I use to judge as “right doing” or “wrong doing” and just see it for what it is – as part of someone’s spiritual curriculum and ways for them to learn and grow – and from that space of neutrality I can then send loving and compassion to them no matter what.  I no longer say that I believe in God, because I don’t believe, I know.  And I feel the sacredness of that knowing, deep within my heart. 

I’ve also received tremendous blessings.  Blessings such as being back in a relationship with Jonny again, and having it be better than I could have ever dreamed of.  Blessings of creating the most amazing friendships with my classmates.  Blessings of tapping into my intuition.  Blessings of deepening my relationships with my family.  Blessings of becoming a coach and doing heartfelt work that I love.  And the list of blessings goes on and on…..

Feeling happy and blessed to be with my sweet boys again...

 Finally, I see the astonishing light within myself and within all of you.  My new favorite quote by Hafiz is: "I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness the astonishing light of your own being".  If only I could have remembered this during my bouts of darkness – but I couldn’t – and that is ok, for I see it now.  It never left; I just lost sight of it for a while.  And if you feel like you have also lost sight of your light, contact me, let’s talk, I would love to help coach you so that you can re-discover your own astonishing light again as well. 

And if you want more information on USM you can visit their website here, or read this amazing article written by one of my classmates Elaine – she describes our experience better than I could ever dream of.  And if you have questions about what my experience was like, contact me, or post them in the comments and I would love to discuss it more with you. 

In loving,

Elsie

On being worth it...

When I am at USM for my school weekends, I feel like I am in a bubble.  A shiny-warm-safe-fun-light-filled-love bubble.   My classroom is this special place where I feel completely loved and accepted for who I am and I in return, love and accept everyone else for who they are.  It is this magical little space that seems to rarely happen in other areas of my life....

Just now, I have reentered “real life” and am at the LAX airport.  It is a far cry from the sweet energy that is USM.  I just completed my fifth weekend of class and I’ve got to say – this program just keeps getting better and better.  I’m falling in love with my instructors, with my classmates and most importantly - - with myself.  It all feels so good, but in some way this growth feels scary as well and it’s the falling in love with myself part that really scares me, because I finally found my self-love again and now I’m afraid that it is going to disappear.  You see, in the past, whenever I would get into a relationship with a man, there would be a part of me that would stop loving myself because I would become dependent on my man’s love for that.  It’s a slippery slope – I know.  And one that didn’t work out too well in my and Jonny’s past relationship.  And so as I look at fully reentering a new relationship with him again, it is something that I am cautious about and honestly, something that feels like it is holding me back in a big way from being able to jump right back in again.  I need to figure things out, things such as how to continue to make self-honoring choices, how to continue to be strong in my own self-loving, but let his love fill me as well, and how to open my heart up to him again and let down this protective barrier that I have built up so high around it so that I am able to trust him (and me) again. 

Reentry into this relationship isn’t as easy as it seemed that it might be….for me anyway.  But I think that is ok….or at least I hope it is.  I'm trusting that through love and communication it will get easier... 

One thing that I really realized this weekend is that I need to continue to make self-honoring choices for myself if this relationship is going to succeed....and that I stopped doing many of those self-honoring actions this past month.  Because isn’t it funny how once we become happier, our prayers become less frequent, the time spent on taking care of inner and spiritual self diminishes and our focus changes?  Or maybe that is just me….though I doubt it.  And it's not something that I'm proud of....just aware of....and ready to change.  So my intention with all of this is to take it all slow, take care of myself and honor myself and Jonny throughout this process....because I know that we are each so worth it....

When Jonny came to visit, he made me a CD to listen to and on the CD there was a demo version of "I wont give up" that Jason Mraz had made prior to releasing the song, and I like this version a lot because it is completely acoustic, but it also has different lyrics to it that the radio version doesn’t have.   The lyrics are below….and I love them because they encompass everything that I have been feeling lately….not giving up, healing a broken heart, knowing that I am worth it, knowing that he is worth it (that WE are worth it!), knowing that I am loved…..

I won't give up on us

Even if the skies get dark

I'm healing this broken heart

I know I'm worth it...

I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)

God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)

We got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)

Lady you're worth it (and we're worth it)

No, I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)

God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)

We got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)

Lady you're worth it (and we're worth it)

No, I won't give up..

It is going to be a journey these next few months….but even though parts of it feels scary, it feels so good too….which I think is part of the scariness :-)

Lunch with some of the girls in my class

Take care of yourself this week. 

E

Night Skiing

In Minnesota, when daylight savings time hits the days get dark….like really dark.  The sun has been setting here around 4:20 for the past week or so and will continue to do so for at least another few weeks.  The early darkness messes with my mindset and even if it is 4:30 in the afternoon, because of the fact that it is dark out, my thoughts tend to sound something like “well it’s dark, the day is done, I can’t go partake in outdoor activities anymore, because it is dark and bedtime is just around the corner”.  What bullshit, right?!  Just because it is dark doesn’t mean that my day is over….and I learned that today when my friend called me and asked me to go cross country skiing with her….. 

We left around 4:00, just as the sun was beginning to set and when we showed up at the ski trails, they looked something like this.....

Absolutely gorgeous.  The trails were lit and we skied for over an hour – which proved to me that hello, I can still partake in activity, even if it is dark out....

While I was skiing, I flashed back to the time when Tyler first told me that he wanted a divorce and we were back home in MN for Christmas.  I remember that after hearing the news I didn’t do anything besides lay down - on the couch, the living room floor or my bed.  I was in so much shock that I couldn’t do anything besides just lay there.  Finally, my mom decided that I needed to move my body and get fresh air, so she started taking me skiing everyday while I was home.  And it helped, at least a little.  There is something so grounding about being in the woods in the dead of winter.  The cold air is harsh and unforgiving, but the silence and beauty of the snow-laden woods is so peaceful that it just seems to wrap me up in a way that makes me strongly feel like I will be ok.   And so tonight as I was skiing quietly through the woods, I was reminded of similar ski outings like this only five years ago when I was also heartbroken and sad, and I realized that even though back then when I never thought that I would heal from the devastation of my divorce, that healing did eventually take place.  And as soon as I recognized that, then the saying “This too shall pass” came into me and struck a deep chord.  I realized that at some point this grieving over Jonny will also pass.  I don’t know how, and I don’t know when, especially because this feels so much sadder than the Tyler situation ever did, but when that message came to me tonight, it just resonated so strongly within me that this situation, yes, this too shall pass. 

I needed that reminder tonight.  That reminder that eventually I will be ok – because what choice do I have but to go on?  I don’t know how this will all resolve, I don’t know why we have to go through this now….I just do know that someday, eventually, I will be ok again – however that looks and whatever that means.  And right now to be totally honest, I don't feel like I am ok all of the time, I’m sad, and I really still miss him a lot, and his silence kills me and frustrates me (we are trying this whole "lets not communicate thing" to see if that helps, but I don't think it does, because while it does hurt at times when we do communicate, it hurts me a hell of a lot more when I don't hear from him), but I'm trying to tell myself that it’s ok, because there is a learning lesson tied into this all.  If nothing else I am learning to love myself again and am gaining so much compassion and empathy for those who are also dealing with heartache and depression.  In case I didn’t understand depression before, I get it now, loud and clear.  In Spiritual Psychology we are learning that “Physical-world reality exists for the purpose of Spiritual Evolution; thus all of life is for learning and growing spiritually.”  At times this growth can be terrifying, as I don’t know what is going to happen or where it is going to lead, but I do know that it is teaching me how to surrender, how to look to a higher power and how to call in that love and the light.  I’m definitely growing spiritually, but sometimes (ok all the time) I just wish it didn’t have to be such a freaking process.    But if it weren’t such a hard process then I have a feeling that wherever I am going wouldn’t be as gratifying once I got there.  I guess they never did say that spiritual growth would be easy….just that I would be given lots of opportunities for learning and healing in order to get there….  Spiritual Psychology also says that “Unresolved issues are blessings as they are opportunities for healing”.  So apparently according to that, I’m being graced with blessings and lots of them.  Maybe I should be more grateful?  I guess so, I’ll work on it…and maybe I should also work on embracing " the fool in me" more....  My favorite blog Momastery just posted this and I loved it....

“I must learn to love the fool in me–the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of my human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my Fool.”
Theodore Isaac Rubin (born 1923);
psychiatrist, author

Embracing the darkness

“One of the wonderful things about having adversity and difficulties and challenges is they will often show you a deeper love, a deeper strength -- something valuable that you didn't know existed, until whatever it took to overcome the challenges shows you what you didn't know about yourself, and what you were seeking.

That's a blessing.”

- John Morton

When I went to school in the beginning of November, I left the weekend feeling like I was flying high.  Life felt good, I went and played with my friend Greta in Oregon, we hand tons of fun, and then I went to a work conference in WA, entered real life and I crashed.  Hard.  I think that it is safe to say that I became officially depressed in November (not like I wasn’t depressed from July-now, but it seemed to get worse this past month).  For some reason in November, I felt like I should have been over all of this already, that I should be happy and embracing life and be over Jonny – I thought to myself, it has been 4 months already, I shouldn’t be so freaking sad – why can’t I just be FINE already?  But I couldn’t just be fine, and I can understand a little bit more now as to why I still can’t be just fine quite yet….

This time when I went to school, I didn’t leave the weekend feeling like I was flying high, which I think is a good sign.  I instead left the weekend feeling balanced, centered and very aware of the sadness, but with a better awareness and acceptance of how I can look at it and manage it.  I learned a lot this weekend and was reminded of some really important concepts – concepts such as It is OK to still be really sad….it has ONLY been 4 MONTHS….I was ridiculously in love with this guy for 4 YEARS, so just give it some more time.   I was reminded of this over and over again and by the end of the weekend, I think that it finally got through to me to have a little more compassion for myself and where I am at with all of this, because where I am right now with all of this is actually just fine.  I’m doing the best that I can and it is important that I remember to remind myself of the good things that I am doing such as exercising, showering, eating, meditating, working, having friends and brushing my hair and teeth before I go out with them, etc.  The hair brushing and showering doesn’t happen all the time, but the good news is that it is freakin’ cold in MN so hats are real stylish right about now….which is definitely in my favor…and all of this means that I am making progress and so I need to recognize and congratulate myself for that….which is something that I haven’t been doing enough of….

I learned this weekend that an interesting thing about grief is that one must cry all of their tears before they will ever be done grieving, and that this needs to be made ok, whatever the process for this is.  They said that if we don’t allow ourselves to cry all of our tears now, that we will have to cry them later – and sometimes that later can be 20 years down the road for people because they hold their grief with them for that long, until they finally can’t hold it anymore and they have to release it.  We were told that it is always best to express our sad emotions that are present, rather than trying to bottle them up, because we want to be able to resolve the issue now, that way it doesn’t have to come back to us again in the future.

What a relief to find that out.  Whew.  I was starting to get worried about all of this crying that I was still doing, but now I know…I still have more tears left to cry, and not only is that ok, but it is healthy because I am doing it now instead of later.  Thank goodness too, because I know with December hitting and Christmas coming, that the tears probably won’t be stopping anytime soon…but now that I know this, I feel better about it and a little less judgmental about the whole “oh great, I’m breaking down and crying in the middle of the day again” thing…. because now I know that with every cry it just means that it is slowly helping me to release the pain. 

I also learned that we finally stop crying when we come to a place of peace where we are able to resolve the issue within.  And we can get to this place through compassionate self-forgiveness and by giving love to the places inside that hurt, for healing is applying loving inside to the places that hurt.

Earlier this month I felt like I had stopped applying the loving to the places that hurt and instead I was just kind of going numb.  And I was, because for a while there I just hurt so much that I didn’t know what to do, so I spent a lot of time staring at the walls, just trying to go numb, because I thought maybe that would help.  I was so wrong.  Note to self: numbly staring at the walls, never helps. This weekend I reinforced that note, as I learned that it is important not to get into the pattern of numbing ourselves, because when we do that we don’t allow ourselves to feel the pain – yet it is so important that we must feel the pain, and to do so it takes a lot of courage and risk to look at it.  But if we don’t take the risk to look at it now, we will always have to look at it later.  So I decided that I can’t allow myself to go numb anymore and that I need the courage and the honesty to look at what is true.  Because we can’t be numb and be true at the same time, for numbness is just masking what is true.  And perfect vulnerability is perfect perfection, so I need to allow myself to go to that deep place inside that is really scared and bring compassion and vulnerability to it.  Even when the truth hurts, it is hurting in a way that is also showing me how to grow, how to dig deep, and how to take deep breaths so that I can remember that I am alive and can continue to keep carrying on.

And so, as the days only continue to get shorter and darker from here until Solstice on December 21st (the MN sun set at 4:21 today – it is dark), I know now that I just have to keep going through the darkness and embracing it with love, because I also know that I have a great light to bear, and that light will ultimately lead me through this all.  And I know that I can’t give up yet, because somewhere amongst all this hardship, I am coming upon a great lesson – a lesson of learning how to love myself through it all.  There are no mistakes, just lessons to be learned.  Hard, effing lessons – but lessons and blessings indeed.

Barusch Bashan – The Blessings Already Are. 

The Long Time Sun

This past weekend in class, our morning sessions would always start with a five minute meditation. During this meditation we were asked to send loving energy to ourselves and anyone else in our lives who could use some peace and love.  These people could be our family members, our friends, people who were distant to us, our enemies, our lovers, soldiers in war, etc. Anyone who we felt needed some extra love.  We would create a chalice in our heart and envision these people in that loving energy.   Whenever we would do that it would make me cry, and it would remind me of this song called “The Long Time Sun” that we always sing at the end of my new Yoga class.  The song repeats itself three times – the first time the message is for you, the second time it is for the people you hold in your hearts, and the third time is for your world.  Every time that we sing it during yoga, this also makes me cry and I end class with tears streaming down my cheeks.

Today I was given the opportunity and reminder to practice what I had learned for how to hold people in our hearts.  I’m not sure on this, but for reasons I can’t get into here on this blog, I think that today might have started out as a scary day for Jonny.  And this morning I woke up feeling nervous for him and I wanted so badly to text him, to say “I love you and support you” because I knew that it would make him feel better, but I also knew that I couldn’t do that, that I would be supporting him more by actually not doing that.  I’m working really hard lately on not interfering in his process and letting his inner wisdom guide him through.  We are also learning this at school – how to let people come to their own conclusions by just listening to them and not giving advice – because if you provide a person with the loving space to do it, they can solve most of their problems on their own, through their own guiding light.  And it’s true – we can.  We have the inner strength and guidance to do it. Jonny can do it, I know he can.  I can too.  But I have to let him do it on his own.  And so this morning, instead of texting him, I walked to the top of this hill and watched the Long Time Sun rise over the lake and I stood there and just cried.  I cried as I held him in my heart and just hoped that he could feel my loving coming through.  I didn’t know what else to do except to send love and strength to him and to cry for him, for me, for this bruitful life and for this entire process.  And a process it is.  Somedays life feels manageable.  Other days it still feels scary and sad.  Today was one of those days. So with that....may the long time sun shine upon me, upon you, upon all of us.....

May the long time sun shine upon you

All love surrounds you

And may the pure light within you

Guide your way on…..

October is here....and so is school!

I’ve been telling myself for months now that life was going to get easier in October.  I've been telling myself this even back in Mexico, even before the big breakup happened.  I don’t know why October has had this magical feeling to it, but it just has.  I think that it is mainly because I didn't feel very balanced or centered within myself last year, and because of that I wasn't as nice or loving as I could have been to the people around me.  So I knew that when I started school in October that it would help to balance me out and that I would become a more wonderful Elsie again, and I was really excited to be able to take what I would learn, apply it in a positive way and share that positivity with others - especially with Jonny. And so a few weeks after the breakup did occur, I began to get anxiety as I would look into the future and see the long year ahead of me without Jonny, and so I made a short term goal for myself about October and continued to tell myself to “Just make it to October, life will be better then.”  And seeing that the date is now October, 3^rd – I've apparently made it!  And, life is a little bit better than it was in July, which means that I am indeed moving forward.  The thing is, nothing feels radically different yet like I was hoping it would, as it has actually been a rather rough start to the month, but here’s to hoping it gets better….it is a long month you know, so I've got 31 days to get lucky. 

I keep praying for a miracle to occur this month, a shower of blessings, a grand awakening, or all of the above.  I’m not sure what it is going to be, but I’m really hoping that something great happens, because currently the only grand awakening that I’ve had thus far is the discovery of no-chip, gel nail polish.  And while I’m loving the fact that my polish no longer chips two hours after I have just put it on, that wasn’t quite the awakening I was looking for. 

One big thing that I do know is coming is that I’m starting my grad program on Friday.  This is probably the real reason why I’ve been so excited for October for all of these months, because by starting school I’m finally doing something for me again, for my development, and for my upliftment, learning and growth, and all of this equates to me becoming better.  I’m going to school at the University of Santa Monica for a Master’s in Spiritual Psychology.  It is a two year program where I fly out to CA for one weekend a month.  We have class Fri evening, and all day Saturday and Sunday.  It is going to be a lot of travel and a huge commitment, but I’m confident that it is going to be worth it.  And I know that through this I am going to transform and change for the better and hopefully help better the lives and relationships around me as well - that is the goal at least....

I received my books for the first quarter the other day and got so excited about them that I laid them all out on my bed and took a picture.  I’ve never been so excited for school to start before, but with these books how could you not be?  These are like the perfect books for me to be reading right now in my life, and how great is it that they were assigned to me through school?  This means that I will actually read them and probably finish them!  It seems like a lot of pages to read in one quarter, but from what I understand reading is the name of the game in grad school, so it’s about time I get playing.

Many people have asked me “What is a Master’s of Spiritual Psychology?  And what the heck are you going to do with that?”  I have never known how to explain it, but I just received an email from a recent graduate of the program and I felt that he explained it perfectly, so I am copying and pasting it here, so that you all will understand the journey that I am about to embark on.

     “The University of Santa Monica is the closest thing in the "real world" to Jedi training. Much like the seemingly magical guardians of peace in the galaxy from Star Wars, University of Santa Monica students are trained to harness the depths of their compassion, acceptance, intuition, wisdom, inner knowing, and above all else, Unconditional Love. However, there is a major caveat: the students do not train to become "more" loving or "more" compassionate. One of the main premises of the University is that it is impossible to become more of what is our very nature. I quote a poem from Rumi that is very much in unison with our teachings: "Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." Spiritual Psychology would add one more part to this poem: "And then dissolve them, resolve them, and heal them."

     I would invite you to visualize, if you will, how much you could get done in your day if you were not triggered by the "little things." I would invite you to dream of how clear and peaceful every day would be if that one thing that has bothered you your whole life (yes, that thing you're thinking of), no longer bothered you. I would invite you to picture what life would be like if that one person that drives you absolutely insane (yes, that one), was looked at as a blessing in your life instead of an obstacle. I would invite you to imagine if every single thing in your life that disturbed your peace was reframed as an opportunity to learn, grow, and heal.

     It's about here where most people cash-out, because they believe this is impossible. I don't blame them one bit. If this is you, I empathize, and I understand. I was that person, without a doubt.

     But, now I invite you to add one more formula to the equation. What if you spent, within two years, over 600 hours learning and applying the tools to work on those issues? What if you had dozens upon dozens of tried-and-true psychological techniques at your disposal? What if you had 255 willing and accepting students to experientially (not hypothetically or theoretically) work with you on those techniques? Lastly, what if you had the support and guidance of the wisest professors on the planet, a top-notch staff, and massive fleet of volunteers whose sole purpose was to support you?

     USM students have one thing in common: they are some of the most courageous people on the planet. They are people who have decided to face their greatest fears, their most insurmountable obstacles, and their biggest adversaries by laying down their swords and truly owning that any perceived struggle is within themselves. They have taken responsibility for all (yes, all) of their blames and victimizations and decided to work on the places inside that are hurt, rather than to believe that the world, or others in it, are the causes for their unhappiness.

     In two years, I have seen some of the most profound shifts in consciousness imaginable. In the spirit of speaking candidly and frankly, I will give some examples. I have seen victims of child abuse switch off the blame. I have seen miserable marriages turn into the definition of romance. I have seen trapped spouses leave abusive partners. I have seen artists become business people, business people become artists, doctors learn to play the guitar, lawyers actually showing up to work happy, and other such miracles. I have seen a conversation based upon heart-centered listening lead to complete freedom, and the most jaded and cynical egoist become a connected, whole, and peaceful being—that one refers to me, of course!

     What did my two years look like? In a nutshell: Joy, laughter, smiles, tears, high-fives, and hugs. The laughter of a perfectly-timed joke in a large-group sharing. The elevation of an entire classroom at a shared experience. The wide-eyes of a classmate who received an awareness through a quote, story, or anecdote. But, above all else, the love of a community that knows that the power to receive the answers to the big three questions, "Who am I?" "What is my purpose?" and "How can I make a more meaningful contribution?" comes from within.

     Plain and simple: USM is where miracles happen. Or, rather, it is where we train to bring out the miracles from within ourselves.”

So there we go, maybe I just answered my question of wanting a miracle.  Maybe by stepping foot in the door on Friday I’ll be embarking on the journey to finding the very own miracle within myself…..

Vamos a Ver.....   The blessings already are.

The Awakening

Today has been a day of sobbing.  I read this tonight through teary eyes and thought to myself  "Hot Damn, this sounds dreamy.  I'm not there yet, but I'm learning...."

Read on sweet peas, Read on.....

--------

There comes a time in your life when you finally get it ... When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out "ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on." And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world from a new perspective.

..........This is your awakening.

So you begin making your way through the "reality of today" rather than holding out for the "promise of tomorrow." You realize that much of who you are and the way you navigate through life is, in great part, a result of all the social conditioning you've received over the course of a lifetime. And you begin to sift through all the nonsense you were taught about :

- how you should look and how much you should weigh,
- what you should wear and where you should shop,
- where you should live or what type of car you should drive,
- who you should sleep with and how you should behave,
- who you should marry and why you should stay,
- the importance of bearing children or what you owe your family,

Slowly you begin to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin re-assessing and re-defining who you are and what you really believe in. And you begin to discard the doctrines you have outgrown, or should never have practiced to begin with.

And, you take a long look at yourself in the mirror and you make a promise to give yourself the same unconditional love and support you give so freely to others. Then a sense of confidence is born of self-approval.

And, you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" hungry for your next fix, a new dress, another pair of shoes or looks of approval and admiration from family, friends or even strangers who pass by. Then you discover that it is truly in "giving" that we receive, and that the joy and abundance you seek grows out of the giving. And you recognize the importance of "creating" and "contributing" rather than "obtaining" and "accumulating."

And you give thanks for the simple things you've been blessed with, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about - a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, the freedom of choice and the opportunity to pursue your own dreams.

And you begin to love and to care for yourself. You stop engaging in self-destructive behaviors, including participating in dysfunctional relationships. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and exercising. And because you've learned that fatigue drains the spirit and creates doubt and fear, you give yourself permission to rest. And just as food is fuel for the body, laughter is fuel for the spirit and so you make it a point to create time for play.

Then you learn about love and relationships - how to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving, and when to walk away. And you allow only the hands of a lover who truly loves and respects you to glorify you with his touch. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say, intentionally or unintentionally, and that not everyone will always come through... and interestingly enough, it's not always about you. So, you stop lashing out and pointing fingers or looking to place blame for the things that were done to you or weren't done for you. And you learn to keep your Ego in check and to acknowledge and redirect the destructive emotions it spawns - anger, jealousy and resentment.

You learn how to say "I was wrong" and to forgive people for their own human frailties. You learn to build bridges instead of walls and about the healing power of love as it is expressed through a kind word, a warm smile or a friendly gesture. And, at the same time, you eliminate any relationships that are hurtful or fail to uplift and edify you. You stop working so hard at smoothing things over and setting your needs aside. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your right to want or expect certain things. And you learn the importance of communicating your needs with confidence and grace. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that eventually martyrs are burned at the stake. Then you learn to distinguish between guilt, and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to Say NO. You learn that you don't know all the answers, it's not your job to save the world and that sometimes you just need to Let Go.

Moreover, you learn to look at people as they really are and not as you would want them to be, and you are careful not to project your neediness or insecurities onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love and relationships, and that that not everyone can always love you the way you would want them to. So you stop appraising your worth by the measure of love you are given. And suddenly you realize that it's wrong to demand that someone live their life or sacrifice their dreams just to serve your needs, ease your insecurities, or meet "your" standards and expectations. You learn that the only love worth giving and receiving is the love that is given freely without conditions or limitations. And you learn what it means to love. So you stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that "alone" does not mean "lonely" and you begin to discover the joy of spending time "with yourself" and "on yourself." Then you discover the greatest and most fulfilling love you will ever know - Self Love. And so it comes to pass that, through understanding, your heart heals; and now all new things are possible.

And you stop looking for guarantees, because you've learned that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected and that whatever happens, you'll learn to deal with it. And you learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time - FEAR itself. So you learn to step right into and through your fears, because to give into fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. You learn that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophesy and you learn to go after what you want and not to squander your life living under a cloud of indecision or feelings of impending doom.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you TAKE a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

A word about the Power of Prayer: In some of my darkest, most painful and frightening hours, I have prayed, not for the answers to my prayers or for material things, but for my "God" to help me find the strength, confidence and courage to persevere; to face each day and to do what I must do.

Remember this:- You are an expression of the almighty. The spirit of God resides within you and moves through you. Open your heart, speak to that spirit and it will heal and empower you.
My "God" has never failed me.

~Sonny Carroll

Keys to being more loving...

I was reading this excerpt in a book called "Fulfilling your Spiritual Promise" this morning, and this part really resonated with me as it hit on every single thing that I'm currently working on within my life right now - being patient, loving myself, loving others to let them be who they are going to be, forgiveness, letting go, etc.... So when I read this, I decided to post it up - mainly so that I can come back to it and refresh my memory when I need to be reminded that Loving is key.

"Loving can be defined as so many ways.  We can refer to loving as not hurting yourself and not hurting anyone else and as taking care of yourself so you can help take care of others.  If you truly do these things, you will be more loving.

Loving may look like many things to many people......

• It may look like patience, where you let things unfold the way they are going to anyway
• It might look like tolerance and acceptance, where you let people be what they need to be; even if you do not think it is terrific, you know that underneath whatever is going on for them, they are doing the very best they know how.
• Loving may also look like being good to yourself and knowing that you are doing your very best at the time.
• It may be serving someone with no thought of recognition or gain.
• It may be living your life in honesty and integrity and keeping your agreements with yourself and others.
• It may be forgiveness of yourself, others, situations and circumstances
• And of course, loving can also come in many other forms and expressions.  But start with the loving, and then let your expression and behavior come from that."

Pretty good stuff - right?  A little easier said than done at times, but I definitely think that it is profound and accurate.  I'm working on it....  :-)

4 years of truth

I've recently become obsessed with the blogger and creator of Momastery , Glennon Melton.  If you don't actively read her blog yet, you should (especially if you are a mom), because somehow her writing just makes you feel so much better about who you are as a person.  Glennon writes about the truth of everyday things, of her life, of her frustrations, her past addictions and how she overcame them, her love for her family, her God, and more than anything, she writes about the hard emotions that we all experience, but never dare to talk about  (let alone post it publicly in our blogs) for fear of cracking the perfect image that we think others have about us. But she writes about all of that and when I read it, it makes me feel good.  It makes me feel normal.  And it makes me think "thank you for sharing what we all feel at times, but never have the balls to write about".

And so today, I've decided that I am going to share some of my inner, private life with you all.  Because 4 years ago this blog started as a raw piece of who I was when I was getting divorced....and sometimes it comes back to that, but mostly it just shows the shiny, happy people that I'm spending my life with and doesn't express anything less surface than that.  And lets all admit it, the best blogs are the ones where people actually share their truth, as their truth is all something that we feel we can connect with on some level.  So tonight, I'm sharing my truth with you and will continue to share it in future blog posts to come.

Today is the 4 year anniversary of my and Tyler's divorce.  And it has been the easiest divorce anniversary to date.  The first three I cried - this year I didn't.  Success!  Leading up to this date I have been thinking about what I wanted to write and share with all of you and I decided that I am going to share parts of my application for the Masters program that I just applied to.

I recently applied to get my Master's of Spiritual Psychology through the University of Santa Monica (and I'm so excited about it), and with that application they asked me a TON of questions that I spent hours answering - one of which was where I had to describe an event in my life that was difficult and how I overcame that.  And so I have decided to share some of that application with you all, as many of you have been with me throughout this entire process and I want you to know where I am today.  But more than that, I want to bring back a sense of truth to this blog, because I know that even though many of you have never gone through a divorce, it doesn't mean that you can't relate to many of the feelings of loss that I experienced - as I know that many of you can - and so I want to share in that with you.

Parts of the application were pretty long, so I am only going to post it in a few different parts throughout this week, as to not have to overwhelm you with reading.  I'm nervous about sharing this, as it feels really personal, but part of me also feels like it is something that I need to do, as I hope that someone out there will benefit from it.

So goes: Part 1. And congratulations to me - cause I've stopped surviving and have started living again and it feels soooo good.

Love,
Els

11.       What has led you to apply to USM’s Program in Spiritual Psychology at this time?

Four years ago, on March 25, 2008, I sat in a courtroom, listening meekly as the presiding judge finalized my divorce.  Getting divorced, while without question was one of the most challenging experiences of my life, was also quite possibly one of the most freeing; I just couldn’t see it back then.  My now ex-husband was a medical student at the time, and I saw myself as his sweet wife who had committed to supporting him throughout his school career.  I had every intention of pursuing a Master’s degree but my husband told me that, due to financial reasons, the two of us could not be in school at the same time, so I was not allowed to enroll.  I resigned to his comments and pushed aside my dream of a higher education for the life of becoming a mom and caring for a family.  Our marriage did not last long enough for us to have children, and I was left devastated and lost after the divorce.

During my grieving period, one of my coping mechanisms was to sit and write down all of my life dreams that I now had the freedom to accomplish.  Of the items I listed, one of the large ones was to go back to school, but for the longest time I could not figure out what for.  Did I want to further my Communication and Psychology degrees from my undergrad and study Organizational Psychology, or perhaps continue my interest for international work and study Anthropology or International Education?  Nothing was clear. That is, of course, until I heard the woman from USM speak about the Master’s of Spiritual Psychology program.  As mentioned, hearing her speak ignited an excitement within me that I had not felt in a long time.  Finally I had found a program that fulfilled all of my needs, the thought of which resonated deeply within me.  First and foremost, this program allows me to grow spiritually, which is something that I have been craving deeply for the past few years.  Secondly, it fits with my current life schedule and profession.  I can continue working for ProWorld, yet also participate fully in an education that is dynamic, deep and interactive.  Third, I have the freedom, creativity, and additional life and global experience that will help me take this education and use it to fit best within my world.  I can apply it both internationally and domestically, utilize it as a manager, a girlfriend, daughter, or friend, and it is something that will be a profound investment in the rest of my life.  I feel that I will be able to apply this education to all areas in my life, both personally and professionally, for the rest of my life…and I love that. 

After the conference ended, I flew home to Mexico and excitedly told my boyfriend all about USM and that I planned on applying this coming year when we moved back to the States.  He fully supported the idea and agreed that this education would be a great fit for me.  So here I am, eagerly applying for this program.  I return to the United States in July and hope that, with acceptance to your program, I will be able to begin this transformational journey with USM in October.

     A.) What, if any, challenging events or situations have you experienced (including, but not limited to, abuse, violence, chemical dependence, divorce, anxiety or depression)?

In June of 2007, when I was 23 years old, I married a man who I had been in a relationship with for five years.  In December of 2007, just seven months into our marriage, my husband Tyler surprised me with the news that he wanted a divorce.  He would not talk to me about it, would not give me any reasons behind his decision, and had no interest in working on any problems that we were having within our marriage.  Three months later, I was divorced.  It all happened so quickly; psychologists told me that I was experiencing the type of grief similar to that of someone who had experienced the sudden death of a loved one.  I went through many different negative feelings during this time: shock, anger, sadness, depression, obsession, shame and grief.  Not only did the news of the divorce have severe mental effects on me, but physical ones as well.  I lost about 20 pounds in the first two weeks of our separation and struggled to make meals for myself in the weeks after that, which only prolonged the weight loss.   I cried myself to sleep often and needed to have my parents call me every morning for about three months to ensure that I would get out of bed.   I was severely depressed throughout this time and struggled with bouts of it for about two years.  Throughout our separation, it became clear to me that my husband had been seeing other women, a discovery which created immense amounts of rage and jealousy within me.  Since then I have developed issues surrounding the areas of trust and jealousy, especially in my intimate relationships; fears that continue to have negative effects in my life today.

B.) Have you sought support or assistance to resolve or cope with these challenges?  If so, please describe and give your evaluation of the effectiveness.

During the time that I was getting divorced, I saw a therapist on a weekly basis and it was one of the best things that I could have done for myself.  She helped me become strong within myself again and move through my divorce in a very positive way.  I would often start our weekly sessions filled with anger and sadness yet, after our hour session was over, I would leave her office feeling lighter and more balanced.  She and I created small, yet tangible goals for me to accomplish each week as a way for me to maintain a positive focus on life.  She encouraged me to play my viola three days a week, as playing music was something that relaxed me and made me feel happy.  She put me on an exercise and meal plan so that I could regain my physical health, and also gave me a bedtime so that I made sure that I was getting eight hours of sleep every night.  Typically, I would not like such strict guidelines, but at this time in my life I needed that kind of discipline in order for me to pull through.  During our therapy sessions we would talk about dreams for the future – what were things that I could do with my life now, that I did not have the freedom or ability to do before?  I did not know it then, but the list of dreams that I wrote out one day alone in my kitchen became the stepping stone of a completely transformed life for me.  It is even one of the reasons that I am applying for this program today.  In conclusion, my therapist was an extremely integral part of my healing process and, was it not for her guidance and support, I honestly do not think that I would have made such a positive transformation in my life today. 

My spirituality and belief in God also helped me a great deal during this time.  I found myself reflecting back (and using) many of the spiritual teachings that I had learned throughout the years – free form writing, forgiveness exercises, meditation, and many other tools that would help comfort and balance me during this difficult time.  I was increasingly drawn to God and church in a very large way during and after my divorce.  As someone who was never raised to take part in conventional church services on Sundays, for about a two month time period I wanted to attend church with my friends every Sunday just to feel an extra touch of God and community while I was away from home.  Once I moved back home to Minnesota (my ex-husband and I were living in Missouri), I once again became very involved in the Movement of Spiritual Inner Awareness (MSIA) and Peace Theological Seminary (PTS).  I was lucky to be living in a city that facilitated many different PTS courses including “The Power Within You” and “The Travelers Through the Ages” taking both of these courses literally transformed my life.  They moved me to a higher consciousness and helped me release a lot of built up karma, pain and confusion.  I walked away from these two classes with a clearer purpose for my life, a stronger connection to Spirit, and a deeper love and acceptance for myself, which was all very healing for me.

One of the final and most important ways that I was able to get through my divorce was through the love and support of friends and family.  When I first found out that Tyler wanted a divorce, I was incredibly embarrassed and ashamed by the fact that I was only 23 years old and already getting divorced.  However, as I began to open up and tell my close friends and colleagues about my divorce, I found that telling people helped my situation immensely as it reassured me to know that others were caring for me, thinking of me, and sending me their love and prayers.  It was at this point where I really started to believe in the power of prayer. I guess I had always believed in prayer, but had never fully experienced its strength until that moment.  I could feel the love and energy of friends and family surround and protect me, and I had this inner knowing that the reason I was able to endure so much was because of the prayers, light and love that people continuously sent me.  I reached out and asked for hugs, meals, company, love, support; I received all of that and so much more.  I learned a beautiful lesson:  that there are truly good people in this world – people who openly share their love, homes, and wisdom and do not ask for anything in return.  Though this divorce was one of the most difficult experiences of my life, I also received one of the greatest blessings because of it.  I learned what it means to lose someone and because of that I have gained deep compassion and empathy and am able to share that freely with others.

 All of this helped to give me strength and love within myself at a time where I was feeling very alone.  Through the therapy, spiritual practices and unconditional love from family and friends, I was able to get through my divorce with much more dignity, strength and inner love than I would have otherwise without any support systems in place.  Through this experience I feel that I have transformed into a strong, independent and loving woman.  I am now learning to become more in-tune with myself while listening to the wisdom of my heart, trying to share the gift of love and compassion with others, as my companions did so beautifully with me.

C.) Please discuss how you have adapted or responded to these situations and how you perceive they may be influencing you now.

 Throughout my divorce, my dad continued to remind me of three important things:

1)      “Life would become good again and that although I could not see it then, I would become happy and find love again.”

2)        “Everything happens for a reason, even though I don’t know what those reasons are in this moment.”

3)      “God will never give you anything that you can’t handle.”

My dad was right, as my life has become good again.  I can now see why I was not supposed to stay married.   And God in fact did not give me anything that I could not handle. 

Two months following my divorce, I decided to check an item off of my “dream” list and go and volunteer in Belize.  While I was in Belize, I stopped surviving and started living again.  I found love and happiness and strength and a whole new sense of purpose in my life.  Belize opened up my life in ways I could have never imagined, and I know that if I had continued to stay married I would not be here in Mexico today, nor would I have had many of the amazing experiences that I have gained over the past four years of my life since my divorce. 

The main things that I have gained inwardly from my divorce are a deeper spiritual focus, inner strength and an understanding of unconditional love.  I also have a greater understanding of pain and grief and because of that empathy and compassion.  I was shown that even though there are people in this world who can make my life difficult, there are so many others whose tremendous hearts can wrap me up in their love, and I want to do the same for them in return.   

As I reflect on my divorce almost four years later I am able to fully comprehend how much better my life has become.  I feel happy, strong and excited about my future and can clearly see how I was able to transform a devastating event into a beautiful new life for myself.  

Three Years Later

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It wasn’t until I finished writing this that I remembered that in 2008 I had written the same type of reflection except it was titled “One Year Later” instead of three. I am so glad to see that I am now over the “survival” phase and onto the “living” phase. Whew. I am grateful for that. I don’t know if this reflection is as well written, as this one was more of a reflection for myself and not necessarily to be shared with others – but I am sharing it anyways. So read along….

December 27, 2010

Three years ago today I sat in a Starbucks as I watched my husband tell me that he no longer wanted to be married to me anymore. Three years ago, I saw my sweet, perfect, little world crash before my eyes. And three years ago, I thought that life had ended and I wasn’t quite sure how I was going to go on.

Today – exactly three years later – I am sitting in a Starbucks yet once again, but this time I am not sitting in that dreadful corner table on Superior Street in Duluth, MN. This time I am sitting at the Starbucks in the Lima, Peru airport awaiting my flight to Cusco. This time I see that my life didn’t end, that in fact it did go on and that it has done a pretty good turn around, as it is oh so sweet again.

Though three years later, I still struggle at times. The Holidays still have ways of bringing back flashbacks of Tyler, his family, and the hellish pain that I went through that first Christmas alone. I still struggle with insecurities, trust and the wonder of believing in a lasting marriage again. Sometimes the emotional turmoil that I put myself through with these thoughts knocks me off my center. Makes me lose myself. Makes me forget my true being.

My true being – she who is loving and kind. She who smiles often and throws her head back in laughter. She who is strong in herself. She who trusts and loves freely – not withholding her love because of pettiness. She who lets go and lets God. And she who remembers to trust in Him and just live life in by which doing so, she will answer all of her questions.

I forget to do this sometimes. I forget to trust in God and I don’t always love unconditionally. I get caught up in the negativity of these lower realms of life and become afraid of losing and being hurt again. And I forget that I am strong and that in my core I am already everything that I want to be, I just have to move my awareness there and recognize the reality of my own soul. And most of all, I forget to forgive. I forget to forgive myself. I forget to continually forgive Tyler and Jonny and everyone else who has once caused my heart pain. And I forget to forgive others whom I have judged and forgive myself for judging them.

So where does this leave me three years later? Well….an obvious work in progress I guess. I’m happier – that’s for sure. I have learned to love again – and it’s been wonderful. And I’m still working on finding and creating myself – though I have a feeling I will be working on that for the rest of my life. Am I totally content? Not quite yet. Can I freely say that this divorce happened for a reason (still somewhat unknown to me) and that I am better because of it? Yes. Though I can’t say that I have seen the full circle of it yet, but I don’t know if I will until I have my own family again and feel truly happy and secure. But, I can see clearly that if I hadn’t gone through the divorce, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I wouldn’t have this amazing job, or experienced these phenomenal travels, or be in love with this darling Jonny of mine – who I feel is so much more compatible for me than Tyler ever was.

So am I doing okay? Yeah. I sure am. Though I still have a lot to work on and get through – but don’t we all?

So cheers to the New Year, growth and resilience. I want to declare 2011 to be a year of dedication to myself, to love and to God. I want to laugh often, love freely and align spiritually. I want adventures, travels, good health and joy. And I want to do this in partnership with myself, Spirit and others….being aware of the divinity that is within us all….. Starting Now.

So with that, so long 2010

…..and the beat goes on!

The blessings already are.

One year later...

It has been one year to the day since Tyler told me that he wanted a divorce. Generally I try not to let myself think about the pain that occurred during that time; however in the weeks leading up to Christmas and New Years it hasn’t been quite as easy to push it from my mind.

Last night my friends and I went out downtown and we ended up parking in the exact same parking spot that I parked in last year when I went to go and meet Tyler for some coffee at Starbucks. As we pulled into the parking spot, every memory of that day came flooding back to me. I remembered going into the Starbucks and sitting down at a table with him to talk and feeling my stomach clench as I realized that he no longer had his wedding ring on. I remembered him coldly and awkwardly trying to tell me that he didn’t want to be with me anymore and me telling him that he couldn’t do this here and that could he at least talk to me in my car. I remembered going back to the exact same parking spot that I was in and sitting in my car as he told me that he wanted a divorce and that he refused to talk to me about it – and I remembered trying to muster up all of the self control that I had to not throw my scalding hot tea water all over his face and crotch (though as I look back on it now, he totally deserved a good crotch-scalding).

It is a hazy memory, but I remember somehow driving myself home to my parent’s house – only to find no one there – and laying in my bed, thinking that I was going to die, until someone finally came home and found me there and took care of me. And I remember feeling like I didn’t know how I was going to survive the pain and how I didn’t know if I was ever going to make it through alive. Yet I see now that I survived and am not only surviving – but am living life again and am experiencing joy in that life, and to me, this is a huge accomplishment. I have found that I am proud of myself for how much better I am this year than I was last. It’s the little things, like being able to eat and make food for myself, or feeling completely content around the dinner table on Christmas Eve, or looking forward to the week ahead of me and being excited for the future. These are little things that may sound minimal to you – but to me are a big deal, because last year at this time I wasn’t able to do any of that. To me it shows I got through last year when I never thought I would and I am here and I am doing okay.

I remember last year on New Years Day my Papa telling that I was going to get through this and that next New Years I would be in a completely different place in my life. Hearing that gave me hope and now here I am already on the brink of 2009, and I see that he was right - I am in a different place - a better place. It has been the hardest year of my life, but has also been the one where I have grown and matured to understand myself and others more than ever before.

Here is a little of what I have learned and realized:

To start off, I made it through the year. When I didn’t think that I would survive – I did. When I didn’t think that I would be happy again – I found happiness. And when I didn’t think that I would find deep, meaningful love again – I found love and loved freely.

I’ve learned about love, trust, friendships, joy and sharing myself with others. I have a greater understanding for pain and empathy and what it means to sacrifice one’s ego. I’ve learned about God and spirit, prayers and healing. And I’ve learned about how powerful it can be to set an intention and the power of a positive (or negative) thought.

I discovered heartbreak, not once, but twice this year. And am still trying to understand and let go of (yet sometimes keep trying with) the most recent one.

I’ve learned that as much as I hate living alone (although I do have my roommate Tiff) that I can do it and that it is indeed possible, but that doesn’t mean I like it.

I’ve discovered that I can do whatever I want with my life and having that freedom is fun and exciting. And I have found there are really great people in this world and that I never would have made such amazing friendships and relationships during this past year if it weren’t for the divorce.

I’ve learned that people view my new life as exciting and adventurous – yet I still can’t really see it as that. And I have found that sometimes I am an inspiration to others – yet that fact is hard for me to comprehend because at times I feel like I am barely holding on.

I’ve found that hugs, laughter, giggling and smiles are incredibly healing. And I’ve learned that forgiveness is key – yet is not necessarily easy.

And most importantly I have shown myself that I can make it through whatever life changes come my way, because if there is one thing that I know it is that life will always change – yet God will never give me anything that I can’t handle.

To sum it all up, I have learned a lot. I have experienced a lot of pain, but also a lot of joy and many sweet, tender moments. I want to thank you for being a part of my life and for all of your support and love....it has been one hell of a year.

I want to declare 2009 to be a year of blessings, joy, adventures and hope. I want to travel, love, be happy, be independent and share myself with others. I want to choose satisfaction and joy and choose to be happy – starting now.

And with that, so long 2008….

The blessings already are….