In Minnesota, when daylight savings time hits the days get
dark….like really dark. The sun has been
setting here around 4:20 for the past week or so and will continue to do so for
at least another few weeks. The early
darkness messes with my mindset and even if it is 4:30 in the afternoon,
because of the fact that it is dark out, my thoughts tend to sound something
like “well it’s dark, the day is done, I can’t go partake in outdoor activities
anymore, because it is dark and bedtime is just around the corner”. What bullshit, right?! Just because it is dark doesn’t mean that my
day is over….and I learned that today when my friend called me and asked me to
go cross country skiing with her…..
We left around 4:00, just as the sun was beginning to set and when we showed up at the ski trails, they looked something like this.....
Absolutely gorgeous. The trails were lit and we skied for over an
hour – which proved to me that hello, I can still partake in activity, even if it is dark out....
While I was skiing, I flashed back to the time when Tyler
first told me that he wanted a divorce and we were back home in MN for
Christmas. I remember that after hearing
the news I didn’t do anything besides lay down - on the couch, the living room
floor or my bed. I was in so much shock
that I couldn’t do anything besides just lay there. Finally, my mom decided that I needed to move
my body and get fresh air, so she started taking me skiing everyday while I was
home. And it helped, at least a little. There is something so grounding about being
in the woods in the dead of winter. The cold air is harsh and unforgiving, but the silence and beauty of the snow-laden
woods is so peaceful that it just seems to wrap me up in a way that makes me
strongly feel like I will be ok. And so tonight as I was skiing quietly
through the woods, I was reminded of similar ski outings like this only five
years ago when I was also heartbroken and sad, and I realized that even though
back then when I never thought that I would heal from the devastation of my
divorce, that healing did eventually take place. And as soon as I recognized that, then the
saying “This too shall pass” came into me and struck a deep chord. I realized that at some point this grieving
over Jonny will also pass. I don’t know
how, and I don’t know when, especially because this feels so much sadder than
the Tyler situation ever did, but when that message came to me tonight, it just
resonated so strongly within me that this situation, yes, this too shall pass.
I needed that reminder tonight. That reminder that eventually I will be ok – because what choice do I have but to
go on? I don’t know how this will all
resolve, I don’t know why we have to go through this now….I just do know that
someday, eventually, I will be ok again – however that looks and whatever that
means. And right now to be totally
honest, I don't feel like I am ok all of the time, I’m sad, and I really still miss him a lot, and his silence kills me and frustrates me (we are trying this whole "lets not communicate thing" to see if that helps, but I don't think it does, because while it does hurt at times when we do communicate, it hurts me a hell of a lot more when I don't hear from him), but I'm trying to tell myself that it’s
ok, because there is a learning lesson tied into this all. If nothing else I am learning to love myself
again and am gaining so much compassion and empathy for those who are also dealing
with heartache and depression. In case I
didn’t understand depression before, I get it now, loud and clear. In Spiritual Psychology we are learning that “Physical-world
reality exists for the purpose of Spiritual Evolution; thus all of life is for
learning and growing spiritually.” At
times this growth can be terrifying, as I don’t know what is going to happen or
where it is going to lead, but I do know that it is teaching me how to
surrender, how to look to a higher power and how to call in that love and the
light. I’m definitely growing spiritually,
but sometimes (ok all the time) I just wish it didn’t have to be such a freaking
process. But if it weren’t such a hard process then I
have a feeling that wherever I am going wouldn’t be as gratifying once I got
there. I guess they never did say that
spiritual growth would be easy….just that I would be given lots of
opportunities for learning and healing in order to get there….
Spiritual Psychology also says that “Unresolved issues are blessings as
they are opportunities for healing”. So
apparently according to that, I’m being graced with blessings and lots of
them. Maybe I should be more grateful? I guess so, I’ll work on it…and maybe I should also work on embracing " the fool in me" more.... My favorite blog Momastery just posted this and I loved it....
“I must learn to love the fool in me–the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of my human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my Fool.”
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