Lessons on Grief...

On September 27, Jonny and I were hiking with friends in Aspen when we received the news that one of our best friends in Belize had died suddenly of a heart attack.  We were shocked and completely stunned by the news and as tears streamed down our faces we asked things like “how could Michael die….wait, what, I don’t believe this?” because in that moment of shock we found that it was so hard to make sense of what had happened, let alone try to rationalize anything. 

Our friends who were with us on the hike appeared to be shocked by the news as well, and while they didn’t know Michael, they could tell that he was immensely important to us, however they didn’t know what to do and how to support us in that moment.  In fact, they didn’t say anything.  They didn’t hug us, or try to comfort us, or talk to us; they just stood there, as we stood alone feeling confused and grief stricken over the whole thing.  Their lack of immediate outward compassion left us feeling even more cold and lonely and I realized later that even though these friends are very close to me, are incredibly evolved spiritual beings and have all lost someone that they love – that they didn’t know what to do in that moment or how to support us.  And unfortunately because they were feeling uncomfortable over the lack of not knowing what to do, it made our grief feel even more isolating in that moment.   I hold no hard feelings towards them, for I know that they were just trying to do their best, however this experience made me realize that so many people have no idea how to support a friend who is grieving – which is why I decided to write this blog post.   

During the next two days, I reached out to friends and family for support and from some I received the most amazing heartfelt responses and calls, others didn’t respond at all, and others responded with “oh yeah, I saw that on Facebook, sorry to hear about that” which felt so insincere and almost worse than them not saying anything at all. 

Because here is the thing about people who are grieving – their hearts hurt and feel so raw and vulnerable and alone and so anything that someone else can do to bring authentic love and compassion to them helps them so much to feel like they don’t have to be alone in this. 

Our Michael died on Saturday afternoon and by Monday we had made a last minute decision to go to Belize for the memorial - and we are so glad that we did.  While we there we were able to celebrate his life with our other Belizean friends and support his sweet family who was missing him so much.  It allowed us to cry together with people who loved him and it brought closure and healing to us, which was so helpful. 

While traveling to and from Belize, I also had a lot of time to think and reflect.  I realized that death makes people really uncomfortable and that so many people don’t know what to do when it happens and because of that I wanted to share my experience of it and offer ways that people can help support a grieving friend or family member.

Below I am including 25 AMAZING ways to help a grieving family that was written by Anna Whiston-Donaldson.  Anna is a grieving Momma who lost her sweet son much too early.  I really recommend that you read this and then bookmark it so that you can access it again later when you need to.  However, if you don’t have time to read it all now, then here are 5 of my own tips on ways that you can help a friend or family member who is grieving.

1. This isn’t about you.    If you are feeling uncomfortable or uncertain on what to do - get over it – this isn’t about you or whether you are comfortable or not – it is about supporting your friend whose heart is breaking and showing up in your loving to the best of your ability.

2.   Acknowledge the loss. If you hear that someone has died, reach out to the grieving friends and family immediately to express your condolences.   Even if you don't know the person who died, you can say something like “my heart goes out to you, I can tell from the pictures of (name) that he was a really special person and shined an amazing light in this world, I can only imagine how much he is missed.” Something as small as this can mean so much to a grieving family member.

3. Don’t be afraid to mention their name and tell stories about your time together.  Talking about the person who has passed can be healing not only for you but for other family and friends as well.  While talking about this person can oftentimes bring tears, its ok, tears don’t need to be feared, tears are an expression of love and sadness and are ultimately incredibly healing.

4. Show up.  If you can attend the funeral – GO.  Feeling uncomfortable about going?  Once again – this isn’t about you – this is about supporting the family and bringing love and support to them.  Also, stop by, check in, give hugs (lots of hugs), ask them to go on walks, keep remembering them…..especially in the days and weeks after the funeral when life has gone back to normal for everyone except for them.

5. Practice heart centered listening.  The ability to listen to a grieving friend talk about their loss can mean more than you know.  You don’t need to have all the answers, but you can simply listen and say, “I really hear you” and offer your loving to them.  Sometimes they won’t want to talk and will just want to sit in silence and that is ok too, so offering to just sit in silence with them can be a beautiful way to support them as well.

These are just some of my tips….and by no means am I the expert.  I would love to hear from you - what has been helpful to you as you have gone through times of grief?  Post your suggestions and tips in the comments below, or on the comments on Facebook.

And now for the truly amazing tips for how to “Love On” a family who is grieving…read these….and check out Anna’s website…through her pain and vulnerability, this woman has taught me so much….I hope that she helps to give you insight into how you can support those who are grieving as well.  Read on….

What You Can Do to Help a Grieving Family by Anna Whiston-Donaldson.

1. PRAY. PRAY. PRAY.

2. Attend the Funeral. To attend funerals people must travel, skip work or school, arrange childcare, and figure out parking and directions. Funerals are inconvenient. The bereaved family knows this and will be blessed and lifted when people extend themselves to be there. Do not worry if you were not close to the deceased, or have been out of touch with the family for many years. Attend anyway. A funeral is a communal event; you will not be intruding. You never know if your presence, or even a glimpse of you or a hug from you will be THE ONE that provides the most comfort.

3. Cook. Have a point person arrange meal sign-up via a website such as Take Them A Meal. or Sign Up Genius Consider making a meal and freezing it in your own freezer for when the other meals stop coming. A small family will appreciate smaller meals so they don't feel they are wasting food. We were so grateful to have meals provided for us for almost 4 months!

4. Send a card or a handwritten note. If possible, include a personal story about the the person who died. Even the smallest anecdote is welcome. These are treasured by the family and read over and over. One friend reminded me in a card that one of Jack's first words was "Azalea." How cool is that?

If you are not able to share a personal story, don't worry. A simple, "I am so very sorry for your loss" or "My heart is breaking for you" will help. When you write your letter, consider going ahead and addressing another envelope to send 3, 6, or 9 months out. The envelope will help you remember to pray for the family, and your next letter will come when most people have stopped sending cards.

5. Send flowers to the home or church; however, you may want to consider sending flowers to the home a month or two after the death so that they will not overwhelm the family. Seeing the house full of flowers, that would eventually die, was hard for me.

6. Come by to show your support. When Jack was missing, close friends and family just showed up. They stayed with us until we found out the horrible news of his death. Several sat in the dark at my kitchen table until after midnight to be there when my sister arrived. They all had other things they could have been doing that rainy night, but they showed up.

In the days following a death, a family should have a point person who feels comfortable telling people whether or not it's a good time to visit, because immediate family members may be too shocked and confused to be able to communicate this. When you drop by, be prepared for a quick hug and then to be on your way, but be flexible. If the bereaved family asks you to stay, be open to that, too. Men, don't be shy about coming by. Tim appreciated men dropping by just for him.

7. If you are a close family friend, consider taking any children out for an activity to give them a break from the home atmosphere. Kids need chances to feel "normal" in the midst of grief.

8. Give the family pet some attention. Our neighbor walked Shadow several times a day and even kept her overnight during those first crazy days.

9. Consider the physical needs of the home. Working in the yard could make a family feel too exposed or vulnerable so soon after a death. One friend mowed our grass for us. He didn't know that Jack was the grass mower in our house and that it would be so painful for us to do it ourselves, but he just thought it would be helpful and showed up. Another family raked our leaves. One friend, after asking if it was okay, came by and planted 100 tulip bulbs in our yard while I was at work! Mulching, powerwashing, or cleaning someone's gutters could be other outside jobs a grieving family might not feel able to tackle. You can include your kids in some of these tasks. I remember Tim taking Jack to spread mulch at a newly widowed friend's house and it was a meaningful experience for them both.

10. Drop a gift in the mail. We received grief books, devotionals, inspirational Cd's, fruit, sweets and more in the mail. Every day of the week I now wear special, meaningful jewelry that represents Jack and was sent to me by people all over the world. These touching gifts took time and effort and are so special to us. Margaret has received small gifts and even a care package from France! Consider mailing a gift card to a restaurant or the movies for a family to use later when they feel up to it. Sometimes a gift card provides the motivation to get out of the house.

11. Make a contribution to charity in the name of the deceased. Consider writing it on your calendar now to do annually so the family will know you have not forgotten. These donations help a family see that something positive can come out of their loss. If you feel led, spearhead a scholarship or a charitable event in the person's name.

12. Mention the deceased person's name when you see the family. It's hard. Do it anyway. The family will cry. Do it anyway.

13. Invite a family member out for coffee, a meal, a walk, or a sporting event. One on one time with a friend, sharing the story and processing it, is a valuable form of therapy. Don't worry if they say no; sometimes they are not ready, or they may need to spend time with someone else right now. Ask anyway.

14. Use texting, email, blogging or Facebook to reach out to the family. You can do this anytime of day or night. I have one friend, whom I did not know very well before the accident, who is committed to praying for us and sending us messages when her baby gets her up at night, which is often. Don't worry about saying the same thing again and again. Your friends are not looking for words of wisdom, just the reminder that you are there.

15. Do not feel offended if your phone calls go unreturned. Just leave a loving message. I have found returning phone calls, or even picking up the phone, to be daunting and difficult, but I still appreciate hearing messages.

16. Send photos or videos of the deceased. Even if you think family members might already have photos from an event, send whatever you have. A new facial expression or a different angle provides them with another glimpse of the one who is gone. The photos on today's post were sent to me by a reader I've never met who realized Jack was in the background of some of her photos from the LEGO store in 2010!

17. Use your special talents to show your love. A poem. A knitted prayer shawl or blanket. A painting. Handcrafted jewelry. We have been stunned by the way people have shared their talents by making us gifts from the heart.

18. Get creative! You have heard how our community tied royal blue bows around trees and mailboxes so that we would feel loved when we drove around town. Then our blogging friends tied ribbons at their homes around the world, and even put them on their Christmas trees. Now, we have made blue ribbon magnets with Jack's Bible verse on them for our cars. Who knew how the simple act of tying a ribbon could bring us so much comfort?

Maybe there is a special color associated with the deceased, or a symbol (dove, butterfly, rainbow) that reminds you of him or her. For Jack, friends and neighbors made LEGO crosses to wear at the funeral. These incorporated 2 of Jack's greatest loves! Maybe YOUR idea or kind gesture will be the one that will most resonate with the family, whether it is tying bows, lining their driveway with luminaria, setting up a Facebook memory page, having a card signed by a Sunday School class, or organizing a tribute such as a balloon release. If you are feeling led to commemorate the deceased in such a way, it could be a big blessing to the family.

19. Even if you didn't know the deceased, consider sharing what the deceased means to you NOW. Eternal life is, well, ETERNAL. Jack's life is affecting people in ways we could never imagined, and we are blessed that so many people are making the effort to let us know, through emails, blog comments, letters, or person. This helps ease the sting. Have you had a dream about the person who passed away? Tell the family.

20. You may want to drop by during the day, or at work. While this not be appropriate for some people, because of their job settings, it has been nice to me to be surprised by friends bearing smoothies, hugs, or a cup of tea at my tear-friendly workplace.

21. REMEMBER. Take note of the season, the day of the month, the day of the week, even the time of day that the deceased person left us. Reach out at these times as you feel led-- through a quick email, text, or note.

22. Write the person's birthday and death day on your calendar. Send a note or an email on those days.

23. Memorialize the loved one by planting a tree, erecting a cross, making a stepping stone, donating a book to an elementary school, starting a scholarship, or installing a bench.

24. Visit the cemetery. I have only been to Jack's cemetery 2 times, but I know others have gone FOR me. Maybe a face to face at visit at the family's home isn't your thing, but saying a prayer in the quiet of a cemetery is.

25. Follow promptings. If you feel a prompting to reach out, it could very well mean that the family needs your support. Do not get bogged down thinking about how close you were or weren't before the death. A reality of death is that relationships change during difficult times. The grieving person may not have the support you think they do. YOU may be the one who can best relate, or listen, or connect with a hurting person. It may feel awkward at first, but it's worth it. I think of how blog readers have felt prompted to write to me, share their own experiences, and offer prayer. If they had gotten bogged down about our not knowing each other "in real life," they would never have reached out.

Okay, so this is a VERY long list, and if it weren't after midnight, it would probably grow longer. I hope it doesn't sound entitled, or like I think other people should take care of every aspect of our family's life, just because we lost Jack. These are just some of the incredible ways people have reached out to us, and I hope by sharing them others can be helped similarly.

Of course, NO ONE can do all of these things. But someone did do EACH of these things. And more.

Love is a verb.

Introducing "the other" Turning Life Gold....!!

Today is a big day. Today marks the launch of my coaching business Turning Life Gold.  This business has been a long time in the making and it feels like one of my heartfelt dreams is finally coming true.  I love coaching, and when I get to work with clients and help bring light and clarity to them, it is the highlight of my day and I feel so grateful that I am stepping into an area of work that makes others and myself so happy. And I am especially excited that I finally get to share this with all of you!

The other day I was reviewing my website and I was reading the page "My Story" where I share openly about my divorce, heartbreak and growth into the woman who I’ve become today, and I thought “wow, if I could have shown that devastated 23-year old girl who couldn’t stop sobbing while she was lying in the middle of her living room floor and who was too embarrassed to tell anyone she was getting divorced….If I could have just shown her then how amazing her life would become, how she would someday share her story to help others and work in a profession where she would bring light to other people’s darkness….If I could have just shown her a glimpse of this then, she would have been so amazed and maybe, just maybe, she could have taken a deep breath and known that everything would have been ok…”.  And as I realized all of this and how far I have come, tears started to drip down my cheeks, and I felt this overwhelming feeling of gratitude for my life and for all of those who have helped me along the way.  So to all of you who hugged me, fed me, traveled with me, laughed with me, cried with me, mentored me, sang with me, danced with me, sat with me, called me, and loved me through it all – this is dedicated to you.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.  I am so grateful.  If you feel called to share this message and site with others, please do, I would really appreciate it.  Or, if you feel like you could use some assistance and extra light in your life, please contact me and schedule a discovery call – I would be honored to work with you. 

And so here it is – I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. 

www.turninglifegold.com

Love,

Elsie

P.S. – A HUGE thank you to Damien Samwell at Tripsix Design for the amazing logo, Diana Sabreen Photography for the awesome pictures, and Element Echo for the killer website.  If any of you are looking for design, photography or web work – please contact these three – you’ll be glad you did – they are amazing.

P.P.S. – Also thank you to Jonny Roman for being the most amazing business consultant, fan and strength of support….thank you for being along on this journey with me.  I love you.

My Solstice Surprise

Yesterday, on Solstice, on the darkest day of the year, I found myself being blessed with so much light.  Yesterday, my friends rallied for me and came together and surprised me with a “Celebration of Elsie” gathering and it was the sweetest thing ever.  I had no idea that they were doing this and instead just thought that I was going out with my friend Laura for a glass of wine to celebrate the fact that she was going out for the first time without her tiny little baby.  I tried to invite other friends along with us so that Laura could have a fun girls night out, but they all turned me down, or didn’t respond, so I just thought “well that is ok, I just get a little extra quality time with Laura then!”.  Little did I know that my friends were all in on it and would all be waiting there for me upon my arrival. 

I arrived at the restaurant and as I walked in, I saw my sweet girlfriends sitting there and I was so surprised.  They said that they all came together on Solstice, the darkest day of the year, to help bring some extra light and love to my life when I needed it most.  And I did, I needed it so much, especially these past few weeks.  I’ve been really down lately and have been wondering when I’ll ever get through this darkness.  And so when these ladies came together for me and shared their light with me, it made me feel so valued, so worthy, so loved.  They read me cards and notes that they had written for me and reminded me of how loved I am.  They said sweet things like “these words of encouragement that I’m sharing with you, are all words that you’ve shared with me once before, and now I’m just giving them back to you.”  They made me laugh and smile and giggle and I felt so honored that all of these amazing women came together for me.

When I saw my mom this morning and told her about the surprise, I started to cry, and then she started to cry, and then we read over the cards again and both just cried.  As tears were running down her cheeks, she said “I’m so proud of your friends and I’m so grateful for them, you needed this so much, it has been so hard to see you so sad, and I’m so glad they did this for you.” I couldn’t have said it better myself.  You girls rallied for me and shined your brilliant, bright, beautiful light with me, and helped to remind me that there is this light within me that still shines too.  If I were to have received nothing more for Christmas than what you all gave me last night, that would have been more than enough.  I’m so thankful.  I love you. 

Doing hard things

As I write this, I am currently stranded in Minneapolis due to the blizzard that began last night and continued through the morning, afternoon, and evening encompassing us all in a silent, white, impassable beauty. 

I came down here to attend a surprise baby shower for my friend Becky and saw her and some other friends while I was here.  It was good for me to see them, as these are people that really know me, and I felt like I was able to let down my guard a little bit when I was around them this weekend.  I’ve been working on being more vulnerable with my friends again and allowing myself to just open up and cry when I need to, which has felt hard, but good at the same time.  I think for a while there I didn’t want to talk about my pain for fear of crying, but what I’ve realized is that it is important for me to be able to talk about it and it is important for them to hear it and to see those tears.  It is important that I allow myself to just feel right now, because so much of this feels scary - which makes me want to hide it.  But when I allow myself to be vulnerable with myself and with my friends, it then becomes a little less scary because their love, strength and words of wisdom help to support me, and makes me feel a little less alone in all of this.  It seems as if I am being worked so hard right now with this process, that I feel like eventually I have to arrive at some type of tipping point where I will be able to break through to some resolution of peace inside of me.  Or at least that is what I hope.  But I really do hope that I am coming to a place where I can begin to relax and naturally breathe deeply, without having to remind myself to take a conscious breath, because I will have finally reached a point where I won’t be holding my breath so often in fear of what is coming next. 

But I haven’t found that peace yet, as the Christmas season is bringing with it not only a little extra stress but some anxiety as well.  Thoughts ruminate through my head such as where are Jonny and Ollie going to be?  What are they doing?  What will this Christmas look like?  I would love to know.  But when I really slow down to think about what my Christmas will look like, I know that it will be beautiful - I’m sure of that.  Though, intermixed within that joy and love of this holiday, there will be a bit of sadness there as well and I know that I need to make that ok.  And it will be ok.  I will have my family around me, and they llooovveee me, and they know that this is hard for me, but they also know that I can do hard things, as I have done much harder things than this in the past.  Reminder to self: I can do hard things. Christmas might be hard, but I can do it, I've done it before.  And they know, and I know, that it will be a good lesson in teaching me how to dig deep, into the pathways of my heart, to find the courage and the compassion to stay present and celebrate joyfully, and to find some mother freaking Christmas cheer, regardless of the situation at hand.  And so while there is sadness, there is also a lot of space for joy, love and gratitude, even if I have to remind myself to get in touch with it and breathe it in - I know that it is always present, and that goodness will only grow stronger if I let it…..and so I might as well do what it takes to let it…or attempt to anyway….

And so I think that the point of this is the reminder that we can all do hard things.  Even when that little voice inside of us doesn't want to. We can do these hard things, and we will, for it doesn't serve us to play small.  And so honestly, one of my hard things that I am currently looking at today, includes just getting through the Christmas season.  Some things that will help with that are: trusting in the process, taking deep breaths, hugs, friends, family time, cookies, spiced eggnog, and going to Zumba to let loose and burn off said cookies and nog….

Becky's Blizzard Baby shower....

A moment of sincere happiness with friends. 

On being Thankful...

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!  My last post was a sad one, but since then I have been on the upside of this roller-coaster called life and am starting to feel better about things today.  I read somewhere that when people move into an awareness of gratitude that it is hard for them to be in  an upset state at the same time.  I see this to be true most of the time as finding things to be grateful for really does help to switch my energy around to a more positive mindset.

This Thanksgiving (and all Thanksgivings) I can always find 100’s of things to be thankful for, but to keep it short this year I am just going to name 10 in no particular order, nor are they necessarily the most important – but they are what I came up with right now:

1. I’m so thankful for my family.  And not just my immediate family, but my extended family as well.  They have all been so supportive of me throughout the past few months (not to mention my entire life) and I feel incredibly lucky to be part of such an amazing group of people.

2. I’m grateful for my friends – all of them.  Yet I’m also so thankful to the ones who understand this situation, about what is going on, about why Jonny and I are each in so much pain.  And I'm also thankful for those who don't know all of the details about this, but don't really need to, because you still support us and care for us anyway.  I’m also thankful to those friends who read my blog and have empathy, those who talk to me about it sometimes, who write me little love notes and encouraging messages once and awhile, instead of just reading it and not saying anything.  I’m grateful for those friends who check in with me, who check in with Jonny, who continue to show their love.  Thank you for that, it doesn’t go unnoticed and is so incredibly appreciated and helps more than you know.

3. I’m super thankful for laughter.  It’s so fun.  So healing.  So good for my soul.  USM is also all of these things too – I’m thankful for that as well.

4. I’m thankful for my house, for the food that we will eat tomorrow and for the fact that I have limitless options for food to buy and consume.  I missed that a lot in Latin America, as I rarely had access to organic food, fancy cheese, exotic spices, brown sugar, good wine and more.  Now I have too much access to it, as America loves to over-consume, but still I’m glad I have it, because come on – who doesn’t love a good chunk of Camembert on a toasted baguette with a glass of Petite Syrah?  I wasn’t getting that in Mexico, that’s for sure.  So thank you America for all of your fun and fabulous food options.

5. I’m thankful to have a job, and as much as I don’t like it sometimes, I know that I am really lucky to have a job and to have a good one at that – and so I’m thankful.  And as lonely as it is to work from home, I’m also thankful that I get to make my own schedule, have lazy mornings and not have to wear high heels or uncomfy dress clothes ever.

6. I’m thankful to be surrounded by beautiful nature again.  I missed green space a lot while I was in Oaxaca and it feels good to be back in the land of fresh air, water and trees.  With that, I’m so thankful that I can drink water out of the tap again….drinking only bottled water was getting real old…especially to me due to the amount of water that I feel like I need to be consuming all the time.

7. I’m thankful for my health and my family’s health.  For the most part we are all doing good – it’s a real blessing for sure.

8. I’m thankful for all of the experiences that I have had thus far in my life, whether good or bad, they have all brought me to where I am now.  For example, if I hadn’t gotten divorced from Tyler I would have never gone to Belize, and consequently to Peru, Mexico, Guatemala, Cuba, etc. etc….I wouldn’t have learned about pain, empathy and compassion, and I wouldn’t have met Jonny and had all of those amazing experiences with him….which brings me to #9 which is….

9. I’m thankful for Jonny.  He has been one of the greatest teachers in my life thus far and continues to be one.  As hard as this has all been, I’m thankful for it.  I’m thankful for every experience I have had with him, including this one, as I know that this one is helping me to work through some major lessons and ultimately bringing me to a better place.  I would probably be even more thankful for this particular experience if we were to get back together….but you know, whatever, I still have gratitude for it, as well as for him and Jonny being who he is...

10.  I am so grateful for my connection to my spirituality and to God.  It helps me so much to know that all of this is happening for my highest good and that I'm being completely held and taken care of.....no matter what.

If you made it this far thanks for reading through my cheesy post and Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!

A letter to Huxley....

Dear Huxley,

I met you today for the first time and you were only three days old and weighed somewhere around a whopping eight pounds.  You were a little guy and oh so sweet and I am so happy that I get to be a part of your life.   When your parents first asked me to be your Godmother a few months back, I remember being so honored, yet so shocked at the same time.  I couldn’t believe that they saw me as worthy enough to play this role in your life, as I saw myself as really struggling with a lot of heart ache and failures, and really didn’t feel all that worthy at all.  But your Momma and Papa said that they saw me as being someone who in fact didn’t fail, but over came life’s challenges gracefully and strongly and that they hoped that I could share that strength and my global experiences on life, love and spirit with you.  When they told me that, I realized that maybe I was doing a better job than I thought and if your parents (who are some of the most amazing people I know) could see me worthy enough of this task, that then maybe I really was doing ok and ready for this responsibility.

Because here is the thing Hux, we are always our own worst critics.  Yet, the people around us never seem to see us as harshly as we tend to see ourselves.  And so I hope that as part of my role with you, that I will always be able to remind you of how worthy, valued, cherished and incredibly loved you are.

When you entered the world on Sunday, November 11, we rejoiced.  We celebrated, we cried tears of joy, your family held you, and kissed you and wrapped you warmly in their loving.  You have been here only three days and yet are already so incredibly loved by your family and all of their friends.  And so my goal is to always remind you of how special you are and how loved - because there may be a day sometime where life is really hard and you will just need someone to come through with a little extra encouragement.  My role here isn’t to parent you, but to help guide you in a different way, a way that helps you to embrace yourself as a unique, divine and spiritual being on your adventure through life.  And of course, my role is to also spoil you with gifts and fun trinkets from other countries and my own adventures, but mainly it is just to be another person who loves you.

When I was holding you today, I thought of how sweet and innocent you were and how we all just want to protect you so that you never get hurt.  But the reality of life is that we have to go through hurt sometimes, because that is how we grow and expand and evolve.  So someday my sweet Huxley something is going to happen that is going to break your heart, but when it does, know that we are all here holding you and cherishing you just as strongly as we did the day you were born.

We probably won’t give this letter to you until you are old and I am REALLY old.  So until then, enjoy the freedom of boyhood.  Enjoy catching frogs, playing trucks with Aldo, jumping off the dock, riding your bike, getting muddy, making forts, learning how to ski, etc. etc.  And someday when you get old we will talk about all of this deep stuff together….but for now, just stay in your sweet innocence for as long as you can.

Thanks for helping to make me feel worthy again Hux – I hope that I can return the favor many times throughout your life.

Welcome sweet boy, welcome.  We love you, stand by you, support you and bless you.

You have my love,
Godmom Els

How do you live your dash?

I just returned home from attending the funeral of my friend’s father.  He died tragically in a plane accident last week and our community is devastated for the family's loss.

I don’t have much to say, except that I am sitting here feeling so humbled right now.  Today my sweet friend faced my (and I’m sure her) biggest fear – attending the funeral of one of your beloved family members.  She was so brave, and poignant, and beautiful.  And I didn’t know what to do, except to show up and love her, hug her, and hold her hand, because what else can we do in situations like these except to just be there and love?

And so yes, I feel humbled, because while I am indeed going through my own personal loss, her loss is so much greater.  And it made me reflect and really tune into all of the many, wonderful reasons that I have to be grateful for in my life.  Ever since I heard of her father’s passing, I feel like I have been walking around with fresh eyes, just feeling grateful for everything that is present for me – because there is so much to be grateful for.

All of it is so humbling - losing my partner, moving back in with my parents, not liking my job, readjusting to a new social scene, living in Minnesota….. I didn’t ask for any of it, yet it showed up in my life for some reason, so I’ve decided to try to come to peace with it, because when it comes down to it, much of what I get upset about on a day-to-day basis is relatively trivial, and there is still a lot in my life to be grateful for and that gratefulness seems like a better focus for now...

The poem below was on the back of the handout today at the funeral and it made me really think about my life and others lives and how we are “living our dash” in this bruitful world.

“I read of a man who stood to speak

at the funeral of a friend.

He referred to the dates on her tombstone

from the beginning...to the end.

He noted that first came the date of her birth

and spoke of the following date with tears,

but he said what mattered most of all

was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time

that she spent alive on earth...

and now only those who loved her

know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own;

the cars....the house...the cash.

What matters is how we live and love

and how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard...

are there things you'd like to change?

For you never know how much time is left.

(You could be at "dash midrange.")

If we could just slow down enough

to consider what's true and real,

and always try to understand

the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,

and show appreciation more

and love the people in our lives

like we've never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,

and more often wear a smile...

remembering that this special dash

might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy's being read

with your life's actions to rehash...

would you be proud of the things they

say about how you spend your dash?”  ~Linda Ellis

For me, right now, I am living my dash by continuing to go forward trying to find the blessings in everything that life brings.  To find reasons to be grateful for each day.  To keep holding in the loving for my friends, my family and for Jonny and myself.  To be gentle with myself and the process of healing and to continue to extend my unconditional loving to Jonny from afar.  To continue to hold hope in the belief of miracles and love.  To appreciate mother nature and this adventure called life. To share laughter when it is present, spend quality time with the people I love, and to trust that all of this is playing out perfectly as it should. To embrace my imperfections, because Lord knows I have many....And finally, to live my dash in loving service, because I truly believe that the more loving that we extend into this world, the more that comes back to us in return....

I’m holding in my loving today for me, for all of you and especially for Katie.

How are you living yours?

Practicing random acts of kindness....

Today has been a hard day.  One of those “one step forward, and three steps back” types of days.  One of those days where prior to this morning I actually felt that I might be getting a little bit better, but then I had this crazy dream and I woke up, and I was slammed backwards and spiraled downwards again.  And I know that this blog has been real heavy as of late – but I can’t seem to lighten up – just not yet, so bear with me. 

This morning, I spoke with Jonny for over two hours and it was both glorious and heartbreaking all at the same time.  This isn’t the first time that we have spoken since our break up – not at all – we have had this strange type of communication where we talk or email occasionally, and it works for us….most of the time.  We love each other and miss each other and are craving to have the understanding that only the other one can provide.  And so we have been in contact here and there, because for the most part it feels good, and trying to cut each other out of our lives cold turkey, just wasn’t working.  But for me, our communication is almost like a drug, it is something that I crave and then when I have it, I feel oh so high, but then at times I come crashing down afterwards – which is what happened today.  And its not like these phone calls are happening all the time - because they’re not – this is the first time that we have spoken in two weeks.  And most of the time I’m fine afterwards, but today I wasn’t, because today our conversation felt somewhat normal almost, because it didn't totally revolve around our breakup.  We talked about school, work, roommates, exercising, reverse culture shock, therapy, etc. etc. we had a relatively normal conversation that was similar to what we would have held in the past and it felt good.  He understood everything, and I understood him, and I realized how much I miss that and how no one in my life here quite gets it the way that he does, and that makes it feel hard. And it is even harder that we can’t be together right now – because as much as he misses me, he knows that he needs to keep listening to that voice inside of him that keeps calling him forward, forcing him to look within.  And as hard as it is to know that, I definitely respect it, and want to continue to support him from afar and still keep that communication going once and awhile, as long as it doesn't hurt us too much.  And so while today did hurt a bit, it was good too, almost like a Catch 22...

And so that’s that and it leaves me here, not liking it, but knowing that reminiscing and flipping through old Facebook pictures of our romantic, adventurous love affair is not helping, so I’m working on letting that go and trying to hold the faith that something better is coming.  Because the thing is, I don’t understand why we have to go through this right now – but I do understand that this is happening for a reason, even though I can’t see it now.  I just hope that this reason, whatever it may be, brings forth lots of blessings and miracles to even out all of this hardship. 

However, throughout all of this hardship, I have been becoming aware of some life lessons that are being brought forward.  This week, it has been the lesson of opening my eyes to others’ pain and acknowledging that not only does it hurt, but also that it is ok for it to hurt and continue to hurt…. I’ve found that when I am grieving, everyone else’s lives seem to go on around me, and while mine does indeed go on as well, it is going on in a slower and sadder way than others.  And for the most part, I think that people seem to forget that grief is a process and that it takes a lot of time to work through and get through.  Because I have been that person, who has comforted others in the moment, but then forgot to check back in a few weeks later, because my life sped by and went on quickly and happily.  But what I am finding now is that when my friends remember to check in and send their love, and acknowledge the fact that I’m not happy yet, nor do I need to be, that it means so much to be on the receiving end of their strength and compassion. 

The other day my friend was responding to an email to me that had nothing to do about breakups or anything of the sort, and at the end of the email he wrote,  “Hope you're doing better. Every day is a challenge, I know. I know it's impossible to see the forest for the trees right now, but you will come out of this stronger and more resilient. And I know it won't affect your trusting other people going forward.”

And I read that and it just made me cry.  Knowing that he was thinking of me and sending some strength my way, meant so much.  He didn’t need to end his email with that, but he took the time to add in those four extra sentences, and those sentences made me feel loved, and I need that love right now, because I am struggling to dig it up within myself.  And so we never know when our practicing of random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty are going to mean the world to someone and help take them from going over the edge.  And not that I was about to go over the edge when I read his email that night, but I was struggling, and he helped to bring me out of the aloneness and pull me back to the reality of “oh right, people really do care about me.”

So my main lesson that I have taken from this week is to just keep our eyes open to how we can be there for other people and to not feel self conscious about it.  To not let those opportunities of kindness pass us by because our life is moving too quickly.  We need to remember to slow down and look around at who needs us and then give them that reassurance that we empathize with them and love them and are holding them in our hearts.  For when we do that, we become better too, and it feels good inside to be able to give of ourselves to others.  And so we must not forget.  And we must not feel like we don't know what to say or how to comfort - because we do know - we just need to listen to the wisdom of our hearts. 

And that is what I’m trying to work on right now.  Because even when I feel as if I don’t have much to give, when I do share my loving with others, it feels so good and radiates up within me as well.  So I challenge you all if you are still here reading this post, to go forward and help give love and comfort to others in need, even if it is something small, I guarantee that your words and actions will not go unnoticed, nor be forgotten.

 “Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love.” – Lao Tzu

The Journey

One of my favorite poets is a woman by the name of Mary Oliver.  This evening I was looking for her poem Wild Geese which is one of my favorites - but instead I came across this one below called The Journey.

“The Journey”

by Mary Oliver

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you 

kept shouting

their bad advice-

though the whole house 

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

“Mend my life!”

each voice cried.

But you didn’t stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers at the very foundations,

though their melancholy

was terrible.

It was already late 

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company 

as you strode deeper and deeper into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do-

determined to save

the only life that you could save.

 I've read this poem before - though never while in the midst of despair - but while reading it tonight, it really resonated with me as I feel like I am on this Journey to "save my life" as she says and I'm slowly realizing that no one can do that for me but myself.  Though, I keep wanting other people to save it because that just seems easier.  I keep wanting someone to come along with the magic words and perfect solution that is going to take all of this pain and hardship away.  I went to the therapist yesterday hoping that he would be my "quick fix".  He wasn't.  Obviously.  There is no quick fix to this - only a slow, long, grueling fix.  One that people keep reminding me will take a long time.  One lady told me the other day that it took her 5 years to get over her boyfriend - I thought "Oh Lord, please don't let it be that long....1 week has been hellish enough - I can't do 5 years".  And I won't.  I know I won't.  But right now, pushing through this sadness seems like quite the feat.  It's just so stinking sad.  

But it is also different than my divorce - very different.  For 1. We were partners, we weren't married - that makes it easier, not much, but a little.  2. He isn't behaving like Tyler did.  He is being so nice and sweet and understanding and trying to make this easier on me.  We are really friendly too each other - almost too friendly at times.  I can't get over wanting to continue to help him and love him and give him advice.  I loved being in that role for him and it is hard to give up - but I know that I need to.  3. This break up is unlike any that most people go through.  It is just so different.  He is sad and scared.  I am sad and scared. We both still love each other - we just can't be together right now, if ever - and that thought kills me.

Jonny was supposed to arrive to MN yesterday to hang out with me and my family and pack me up and move us to CO.  He isn't here and yesterday was a really hard day - and him not arriving kind of felt like the dream was dying all over again.  I'm sure that there will be a few more moments like that in the coming days - but I'm trying my best to get through them.

My friends and family have been really good to me.  Today my friend Greta ordered me a set of healing essential oils and some lavender lotion and told me that she is sending me a care package.  Knowing that she did that made me feel so loved, so taken care of, and for a brief moment I thought "I'm going to be ok, people love me, they really do, maybe these silly men don't love me enough to stick around, but other people do and I will survive."  It was a good feeling having that moment of hope and it helped me get through the rest of my afternoon.  

So here I am - back on this journey, of trying to figure out how the hell I am going to turn my life gold again.  Right now, it's cloudy and foggy and depressing and so not clear - but like Ms. Oliver says the only one who can do it is me....I'm just waiting for this cloud to pass, so that the determination can come in once again - hopefully it makes its appearance soon, because I know that I have to do it and I have to make it good - Paint That Shit Gold: Part 2 (whoever would have thought?!  Ha.  not me.....here we go again!)

Love,

E

Why I am humbled...

Today was a day that I won’t forget for a long time.  It was a day that brought forth a lot of reflection – and a lot of humbleness.   

Jonny and I came to Belize on Friday for vacation.  We are here for 12 days, 8 of those days are vacation, and 4 of those days are to work with our offices and staff here.  Today was one of those “work” days.  We started off the morning by having a quick meeting with the team and then jumping into Nicole’s car to drive around town and see projects that ProWorld had recently completed.  We then left town and drove out into one of the nearby villages to one of our project partners who produces organic Mayan chocolate.  We went upstairs with them to the second level of their open air house and was served a homemade lunch of the most delicious rice, beans and chicken – with homemade hot chocolate and bites of homemade chocolate for dessert.  While we ate, Juan, the man who runs the chocolate farm, spoke to us about how they are producing the chocolate from the ancient Mayan traditions of sustainable agriculture, respecting the jungle and the ecosystem and about not forgetting tradition and respect in everyday life.  It was inspiring how much he knew about the sacred balance of our fragile ecosystem, but yet how much faith he still had in humanity and his neighbors to restore it.  He said that the weight of the jungle is on his shoulders and if he doesn’t carry it and fight for the change, then who will?  And as I sat on his porch, eating rice and beans in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity, with no air conditioning, three mangy puppies playing at my feet and two chickens clucking behind me – I was humbled for the first time that day – for I oftentimes forget that one person can make a change.  This man feels that he is holding the entire weight of the Belizean jungles on his shoulders – yet he is not overwhelmed by that thought – he is inspired by it and taking on the challenge on a daily basis.  There have been many times in my life where I have stayed quiet said to myself “ah, I’m only one person, my voice won’t mean a thing” – but today I was reminded that it does and that that overused Margaret Mead quote of “Never doubt that a small group of dedicated citizens can change the world, indeed it is the only thing that ever has” may actually be overused because it is true….

After we left the Mayan chocolate factory, we took an hour long drive, on a bumpy dirty road, out to Barranco – one of the most secluded villages in Southern Belize.  Barranco is the hometown of the famous Belizean musician, Andy Palacio.  It is also the hometown to 160 other Gariffuna Belizeans who rest together peacefully on the edge of the ocean, in the middle of the jungle.  Barranco is dense jungle like I have never seen it before – the jungle runs right down to the water’s edge, there is no beach, nothing – just jungle and ocean - and in-between that some grass roads, some huts and a small (think smaller than your smallest bedroom) corner store.  We walked throughout the village greeting friends of Nicole’s, sitting on their porches, sharing in smiles, laughter, stories and jokes and then continuing along our way.  It was so simple, yet so profound, and such a sweet, simple way to let the afternoon pass by.  

As night fell we made our final stop to visit a close friend of Nicole’s, Joan.  Joan is an ex-pat from the US and has two daughters around the ages of 8 and 11.  She has lived in Belize for the past 20 years and has quite the story.  Her house has no electricity, and one small candle lighting the house, along with some dim light pouring in from the street.  In the darkness we ate a simple, yet delicious dinner of rice, beans and fried plantains, while we swung from chairs that were hanging from the rafters of her thatched roof.  As we chatted and ate in the dark, I was amazed at how the darkness didn’t affect her daughters at all, they moved throughout the kitchen and bedrooms as if having no light was no big deal – and it wasn’t – it was part of life there.  The sun goes down at 6pm, which means it is time to eat, and then play for a little bit and then go to sleep.  The girls were so joyful throughout all of this, playing, joking and carrying on with their mother like young children do.  It was so refreshing to see; we don’t need all of this electricity that we pump into our houses, sure it is nice to have, but it is definitely not necessary to have a happy, functioning family.  As the girls ran around barefoot throughout their house, which connects to the jungle-ness of their front yard, the mother was telling us about a recent trip back to the States where they visited their family in Ohio and after observing life in the US, her oldest daughter said “Mom, people in America don’t walk barefoot on grass do they?”  And I thought, no honey, they don’t, because walking barefoot in long grass isn’t safe and if you do walk through it, then you have the chance of stepping in dog shit like I did today and Americans hate things that aren’t safe and more than that, they hate stepping in shit.    And it isn’t that you can’t do these things in America – it’s just that most people don’t.  We do step in dog shit, but we hardly walk barefoot through un-manicured grass, and we definitely don’t eat in the dark, in our living rooms, and enjoy it.  And so after this simple experience of spending time in their house, I was yet once again, humbled.

After we departed their house, we began our drive back home and Nicole started telling us more about Joan’s life and it is a rough life at that.  Joan used to have a 2 year old boy, and when she was out of town, the boy was taken by a drunk man and murdered.  She then had a 3 year old daughter who was hit by a car and killed.  Then her husband physically and mentally abused and controlled her so much that she almost died, so she took her two daughters and left the prospering business that they had created in another village in Belize, left the comforts of their home, and ran away from her husband.  Now they live in the little village of Barranco, where life was sweet until the girls were both recently physically assaulted by a man in the village.  He is now locked up – but when will this family get a break?  And I tell you this, not to make you sick to your stomach, but because it is their reality and it will make you feel humbled – as it did for me – that it is not your reality.  This mom now makes soap in Barranco and sells it for $2.00 USD a bar in order to support her family.  I bought 4 bars today, but that was prior to knowing her story.  Had I known her story, I would have bought out her store and given you all bars of soap as presents for the next 10 years, but I didn’t know her story at the time so will just have to send her lots of love and light in the meantime and buy more next time.  But the thing is, even after all of this – the family still has joy.  They still laughed throughout dinner and ran around barefoot - giggling - playing freely throughout the yard.

As so it is.   These are the stories of Belize.  These are the reasons that I am going to bed humbled tonight.  Today I learned a great deal about strength, humanity, simplicity and unity.  Today I once again fell in love with Belize, but yet was also scared like hell from it, and totally and completely humbled by it. 

The big girl life

Last week Jonny and I went home to Minnesota for 10 days, to visit, attend the Wedding of Champions, hang out in Duluth and go to the cabin.  It was so great to be around my family and to be home – but it wasn’t long enough.  I felt like I needed so much more time with my family, with my cabin and to reconnect with friends. 

Living abroad is strange sometimes because it makes me feel so disconnected with my once so-close friends at home.  I see them now and still totally love them and have fun with them, but there is also a level of strangeness there, a level of “well we definitely aren’t living in the same place anymore” and that’s ok because we still love each other – but maybe next time can we try to not make it so weird?  Maybe it is me, maybe I am the one who makes it strange, because I come home and I feel like everyone’s lives at home have really gone on without me and who at home misses me and really notices that I am gone?  It’s hard because I love my friends at home so much that part of me wants to move back just so that I can reconnect with them all and be really close with them, but then part of me knows that this is life and that we grow up and move away and do our best with staying in touch with the people that we can, while missing them along the way…. 

The thing about going home for a short period of time is just that – it’s too short.  For the first summer ever I will only have spent 2 days at my cabin, where generally I spend weekend after weekend at it throughout the entire summer.  When we were there it was cold and rainy and crappy weather – but I didn’t care – I loved it anyway.  And I soaked in those two days so hard and when it was time to leave and I knew that I wouldn’t be coming back again this summer – I cried – and not just a little, but a lot.  It’s hard being an adult sometimes and having to deal with the decision that you made of moving away from home and not being able to swim in your lake whenever you want to, or get hugged up by your Momma and Papa whenever you need it.  So yup, I cried because the little girl in me didn’t want to deal with leaving, and didn’t want to face my big girl life of living in Mexico that includes a lot of being stressed out with work and away from most things familiar.  But this is my life for the next year or so (and I’m not complaining too hard, because it’s a pretty good life at that) and I need to be ok with trading the experiences that I am getting from it now for what will someday hopefully be endless summers at Sweet Lake.  But that doesn’t mean that my heart isn’t allowed to ache for it a little in this moment….

Me and some of my cousins on the lake

So freakin' happy to be out on that lake

Playing in the waterfalls

Jonnycito playing the guitar at the cabin - I love all of the green!  It definitely is not that green here in Mexico

Lookin' silly in hats at Los Campones del Amor - aka the Wedding of Champions. 

Miss you all back home….and for anyone who wants to send me letters – I’m not opposed to receiving them, or writing you back - because in case you didn't know - having pen pals and receiving real mail in the mail box is hecka fun. Lemme know and I'll send you my addresscito. 

The Rainforest....

This was as of the beginning of June:

So lately my days have been filled with finishing up my volunteer work and spending lots of time swimming and in the rainforests. I have been swimming in the most amazing places lately. The other weekend we went swimming at these beautiful waterfalls that were surrounded by dense forests and 40 ft cliffs that we could jump off of ....I think that we swam and played there for about three hours straight - and by the time we had to go, I still wasn't ready to leave....I loved it. Last weekend we went to Michael's (the jaguar guy) farm which is way up in the rainforest. It consisted of us driving up the Hummingbird Highway (isn't that the cutest name for a highway ever?) through lush, dense rainforests and arrived at the most beautiful piece of land. We turned down this little driveway that was completely and gorgeously overgrown with some of the most amazing tropical flowers and trees - the driveway led to this area of cleared land, with banana trees everywhere and horses roaming and this amazing little creek that bordered the property. We went swimming in the creek and let me just say that swimming in a river, in the middle of the rainforest (in the rain too!) was absolutely amazing. The little river was great fun and you could jump in off some rocks and then the current would push you down the stream and then you would swim back up and do it all over again. I loved it and think that I swam there for at least an hour and a half...it was fabulous. After swimming we went up to the house and sat on the porch until dark, laying in hammocks, listening to the pitter patter of the rain and to Jonny playing guitar. The view from the porch overlooks Michael's land and the most amazing green, dense mountains with clouds wisping in and around them. Pretty much it was a little slice of heaven...