Doing hard things

As I write this, I am currently stranded in Minneapolis due to the blizzard that began last night and continued through the morning, afternoon, and evening encompassing us all in a silent, white, impassable beauty. 

I came down here to attend a surprise baby shower for my friend Becky and saw her and some other friends while I was here.  It was good for me to see them, as these are people that really know me, and I felt like I was able to let down my guard a little bit when I was around them this weekend.  I’ve been working on being more vulnerable with my friends again and allowing myself to just open up and cry when I need to, which has felt hard, but good at the same time.  I think for a while there I didn’t want to talk about my pain for fear of crying, but what I’ve realized is that it is important for me to be able to talk about it and it is important for them to hear it and to see those tears.  It is important that I allow myself to just feel right now, because so much of this feels scary - which makes me want to hide it.  But when I allow myself to be vulnerable with myself and with my friends, it then becomes a little less scary because their love, strength and words of wisdom help to support me, and makes me feel a little less alone in all of this.  It seems as if I am being worked so hard right now with this process, that I feel like eventually I have to arrive at some type of tipping point where I will be able to break through to some resolution of peace inside of me.  Or at least that is what I hope.  But I really do hope that I am coming to a place where I can begin to relax and naturally breathe deeply, without having to remind myself to take a conscious breath, because I will have finally reached a point where I won’t be holding my breath so often in fear of what is coming next. 

But I haven’t found that peace yet, as the Christmas season is bringing with it not only a little extra stress but some anxiety as well.  Thoughts ruminate through my head such as where are Jonny and Ollie going to be?  What are they doing?  What will this Christmas look like?  I would love to know.  But when I really slow down to think about what my Christmas will look like, I know that it will be beautiful - I’m sure of that.  Though, intermixed within that joy and love of this holiday, there will be a bit of sadness there as well and I know that I need to make that ok.  And it will be ok.  I will have my family around me, and they llooovveee me, and they know that this is hard for me, but they also know that I can do hard things, as I have done much harder things than this in the past.  Reminder to self: I can do hard things. Christmas might be hard, but I can do it, I've done it before.  And they know, and I know, that it will be a good lesson in teaching me how to dig deep, into the pathways of my heart, to find the courage and the compassion to stay present and celebrate joyfully, and to find some mother freaking Christmas cheer, regardless of the situation at hand.  And so while there is sadness, there is also a lot of space for joy, love and gratitude, even if I have to remind myself to get in touch with it and breathe it in - I know that it is always present, and that goodness will only grow stronger if I let it…..and so I might as well do what it takes to let it…or attempt to anyway….

And so I think that the point of this is the reminder that we can all do hard things.  Even when that little voice inside of us doesn't want to. We can do these hard things, and we will, for it doesn't serve us to play small.  And so honestly, one of my hard things that I am currently looking at today, includes just getting through the Christmas season.  Some things that will help with that are: trusting in the process, taking deep breaths, hugs, friends, family time, cookies, spiced eggnog, and going to Zumba to let loose and burn off said cookies and nog….

Becky's Blizzard Baby shower....

A moment of sincere happiness with friends.