Today has been a hard day. One of those “one step forward, and three steps back” types
of days. One of those days where
prior to this morning I actually felt that I might be getting a little bit
better, but then I had this crazy dream and I woke up, and I was slammed backwards and spiraled downwards
again. And I know that this blog
has been real heavy as of late – but I can’t seem to lighten up – just not
yet, so bear with me.
This morning, I spoke with Jonny for over two hours and it
was both glorious and heartbreaking all at the same time. This isn’t the first time that we have spoken since our
break up – not at all – we have had this strange type of communication where we
talk or email occasionally, and it works for us….most of the time. We love each other and miss each other
and are craving to have the understanding that only the other one can
provide. And so we have been in
contact here and there, because for the most part it feels good, and trying to cut
each other out of our lives cold turkey, just wasn’t working. But for me, our communication is almost like a
drug, it is something that I crave and then when I have it, I feel oh so high,
but then at times I come crashing down afterwards – which is what happened
today. And its not like these
phone calls are happening all the time - because they’re not – this is the
first time that we have spoken in two weeks. And most of the time I’m fine afterwards, but today I
wasn’t, because today our conversation felt somewhat normal almost, because it didn't totally revolve around our breakup. We talked about school, work,
roommates, exercising, reverse culture shock, therapy, etc. etc. we had a
relatively normal conversation that
was similar to what we would have held in the past and it felt good. He understood everything, and I understood him, and I
realized how much I miss that and how no one in my life here quite gets it the
way that he does, and that makes it feel hard. And it is even harder that we can’t be together right now – because as
much as he misses me, he knows that he needs to keep listening to that voice
inside of him that keeps calling him forward, forcing him to look within. And as hard as it is to know that, I definitely respect
it, and want to continue to support him from afar and still keep that communication going once and awhile, as long as it doesn't hurt us too much. And so while today did hurt a bit, it was good too, almost like a Catch 22...
And so that’s that and it leaves me here, not liking it, but
knowing that reminiscing and flipping through old Facebook pictures of our
romantic, adventurous love affair is not
helping, so I’m working on letting that go and trying to hold the faith
that something better is coming. Because the thing is, I don’t
understand why we have to go through this right now – but I do understand that
this is happening for a reason, even though I can’t see it now. I just hope that this reason, whatever
it may be, brings forth lots of blessings and miracles to even out all of this
hardship.
However, throughout all of this hardship, I have been becoming
aware of some life lessons that are being brought forward. This week, it has been the lesson of
opening my eyes to others’ pain and acknowledging that not only does it hurt, but
also that it is ok for it to hurt and continue to hurt…. I’ve found that when I
am grieving, everyone else’s lives seem to go on around me, and while mine does
indeed go on as well, it is going on in a slower and sadder way than others. And for the most part, I think that people
seem to forget that grief is a process and that it takes a lot of time to work
through and get through. Because I
have been that person, who has comforted others in the moment, but then forgot
to check back in a few weeks later, because my life sped by and went on quickly
and happily. But what I am finding
now is that when my friends remember to check in and send their love, and
acknowledge the fact that I’m not happy yet, nor do I need to be, that it means
so much to be on the receiving end of their strength and compassion.
The other day my friend was responding to an email to me
that had nothing to do about breakups or anything of the sort, and at the end
of the email he wrote, “Hope you're doing
better. Every day is a challenge, I know. I know it's impossible to see the
forest for the trees right now, but you will come out of this stronger and more
resilient. And I know it won't affect your trusting other people going forward.”
And I read that and it just made me cry. Knowing that he was thinking of me and
sending some strength my way, meant so much. He didn’t need to end his email with that, but he took the
time to add in those four extra sentences, and those sentences made me feel
loved, and I need that love right now, because I am struggling to dig it up
within myself. And so we never
know when our practicing of random acts of kindness and senseless acts of
beauty are going to mean the world to someone and help take them from going
over the edge. And not that I was
about to go over the edge when I read his email that night, but I was
struggling, and he helped to bring me out of the aloneness and pull me back to
the reality of “oh right, people really do care about me.”
So my main lesson that I have taken from this week is to just
keep our eyes open to how we can be there for other people and to not feel self
conscious about it. To not let
those opportunities of kindness pass us by because our life is moving too quickly. We need to remember to slow down and look around at who
needs us and then give them that reassurance that we empathize with them and
love them and are holding them in our hearts. For when we do that, we become better too, and it feels good
inside to be able to give of ourselves to others. And so we must not
forget. And we must not feel like we don't know what to say or how to comfort - because we do know - we just need to listen to the wisdom of our hearts.
And that is what I’m trying to work on right now. Because even when I feel as if I don’t
have much to give, when I do share my loving with others, it feels so good and
radiates up within me as well. So
I challenge you all if you are still here reading this post, to go forward and
help give love and comfort to others in need, even if it is something small, I
guarantee that your words and actions will not go unnoticed, nor be forgotten.
“Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love.” – Lao Tzu
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