My past two months in lines...

It has been two months since Jonny and I broke up – here is a little of what I’ve been up to and how I’ve been doing since then:

I moved back into my parent’s house, and this time not for a few weeks, but for several months at least.

I love them and appreciate their home – but at age 28, at times it feels a bit overwhelming.  It definitely hit me that I'm not going to Colorado, or back to Oaxaca for that matter.  I miss Oaxaca.

I still haven’t fully unpacked from Mexico and that disorganization screams at me from every nook and cranny.

I’ve cried everyday since July 24th.

Some days the tears run gently down my cheeks, other days they escape out like a waterfall as my stomach heaves in and out grasping for air, and sometimes they fall somewhere in the middle – a brief cry that lasts a few moments and then ends as quickly as it came.

I have discovered that my tears bring forth a sense of vulnerability and so I no longer try to hide them, it doesn’t matter when or where, I just let them come.

These tears bring forth a vulnerability in others as well, as I think they make people’s hearts soften just a little.

I've started reading countless "self-help" books.

I haven't finished one of them.  Maybe thats part of my problem.... But I mean, come on, does anyone ever really finish reading those things?

I’ve dreamt of Jonny almost every single night.  Sometimes Tyler sneaks into those dreams too – that’s when things get really crazy.  It appears that the grief from both of these situations is overlapping.

I spent a week in Philadelphia for work and was miserable the entire time.

It was there where I felt incredibly lonely and when I realized how grateful I am to be going through this loss close to home where I can lean on my family and friends.

I went to San Francisco twice for work.

The first time was so hard.  The second time was still hard, but was not quite as bad - because I made a new friend out of one of my colleagues.

My colleague and I laughed a lot.  I forgot how good it feels to laugh and laugh and laugh.  It was so healing, and by the end of the trip, after multiple days of giggles and jokes, I felt a little lighter.

A month ago I started running again.

I bought new running shoes because my old ones had holes in them.  It was a good purchase.  New things in my life are welcomed.

I’ve been to the chiropractor many times.

The acupuncturist too.

And massage therapy.

And Yoga.

Anything to help heal my body and emotions naturally.

I refuse to go to my M.D. – as I know she will only give me drugs.  I will not take drugs right now.

I will heal naturally.

I swam as much as I could before it got too cold.  Water is healing.

So are friends, family and hugs.

I’ve received so many sweet cards and prayers from friends and family.  They made me feel loved and special – thank you.  Prayers and love are still welcomed.

I've seen two different therapists and I’m not too fond of either of them.

Today I told my therapist that I already know everything that she is telling me, so what’s the point of me being there?

Hmm....maybe you should watch your ego Storm….

But then I had a breakthrough.

I realized that I no longer have to be a victim in this – that I can indeed regain some of my power.

I gave Jonny back some of his power today – and I took some of mine back as well.

It was effing hard – but I did it.

Maybe therapy is better for me than I realize…

Maybe J will return to me someday and love himself and me fully.  That is still my hope.  And it hasn’t ceased in the past two months.

But if he doesn’t, I know that life will continue on…..but that my story of being a victim doesn’t need to.

I need to change my story.  I have a plan to create a new one that is empowering.

The tears continue to trickle.

The sleep doesn’t come.

Hopefully it will soon.

My life has been flipped.

Expectations have been challenged.

But I know that love will be found.

No matter what…..