The Journey

One of my favorite poets is a woman by the name of Mary Oliver.  This evening I was looking for her poem Wild Geese which is one of my favorites - but instead I came across this one below called The Journey.

“The Journey”

by Mary Oliver

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you 

kept shouting

their bad advice-

though the whole house 

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

“Mend my life!”

each voice cried.

But you didn’t stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers at the very foundations,

though their melancholy

was terrible.

It was already late 

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company 

as you strode deeper and deeper into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do-

determined to save

the only life that you could save.

 I've read this poem before - though never while in the midst of despair - but while reading it tonight, it really resonated with me as I feel like I am on this Journey to "save my life" as she says and I'm slowly realizing that no one can do that for me but myself.  Though, I keep wanting other people to save it because that just seems easier.  I keep wanting someone to come along with the magic words and perfect solution that is going to take all of this pain and hardship away.  I went to the therapist yesterday hoping that he would be my "quick fix".  He wasn't.  Obviously.  There is no quick fix to this - only a slow, long, grueling fix.  One that people keep reminding me will take a long time.  One lady told me the other day that it took her 5 years to get over her boyfriend - I thought "Oh Lord, please don't let it be that long....1 week has been hellish enough - I can't do 5 years".  And I won't.  I know I won't.  But right now, pushing through this sadness seems like quite the feat.  It's just so stinking sad.  

But it is also different than my divorce - very different.  For 1. We were partners, we weren't married - that makes it easier, not much, but a little.  2. He isn't behaving like Tyler did.  He is being so nice and sweet and understanding and trying to make this easier on me.  We are really friendly too each other - almost too friendly at times.  I can't get over wanting to continue to help him and love him and give him advice.  I loved being in that role for him and it is hard to give up - but I know that I need to.  3. This break up is unlike any that most people go through.  It is just so different.  He is sad and scared.  I am sad and scared. We both still love each other - we just can't be together right now, if ever - and that thought kills me.

Jonny was supposed to arrive to MN yesterday to hang out with me and my family and pack me up and move us to CO.  He isn't here and yesterday was a really hard day - and him not arriving kind of felt like the dream was dying all over again.  I'm sure that there will be a few more moments like that in the coming days - but I'm trying my best to get through them.

My friends and family have been really good to me.  Today my friend Greta ordered me a set of healing essential oils and some lavender lotion and told me that she is sending me a care package.  Knowing that she did that made me feel so loved, so taken care of, and for a brief moment I thought "I'm going to be ok, people love me, they really do, maybe these silly men don't love me enough to stick around, but other people do and I will survive."  It was a good feeling having that moment of hope and it helped me get through the rest of my afternoon.  

So here I am - back on this journey, of trying to figure out how the hell I am going to turn my life gold again.  Right now, it's cloudy and foggy and depressing and so not clear - but like Ms. Oliver says the only one who can do it is me....I'm just waiting for this cloud to pass, so that the determination can come in once again - hopefully it makes its appearance soon, because I know that I have to do it and I have to make it good - Paint That Shit Gold: Part 2 (whoever would have thought?!  Ha.  not me.....here we go again!)

Love,

E