When I am at USM for my school weekends, I feel like I am in
a bubble. A
shiny-warm-safe-fun-light-filled-love bubble.
My classroom is this special place where I feel completely loved and
accepted for who I am and I in return, love and accept everyone else for who
they are. It is this magical little space that seems to rarely happen in other areas of my life....
Just now, I have reentered “real life” and am at the LAX
airport. It is a far cry from the sweet
energy that is USM. I just completed my
fifth weekend of class and I’ve got to say – this program just keeps getting
better and better. I’m falling in love
with my instructors, with my classmates and most importantly - - with myself. It all feels so good, but in some way this
growth feels scary as well and it’s the falling in love with myself
part that really scares me, because I finally found my self-love again and now
I’m afraid that it is going to disappear.
You see, in the past, whenever I would get into a relationship with a
man, there would be a part of me that would stop loving myself because I would
become dependent on my man’s love for that.
It’s a slippery slope – I know.
And one that didn’t work out too well in my and Jonny’s past
relationship. And so as I look at fully
reentering a new relationship with him again, it is something that I am
cautious about and honestly, something that feels like it is holding me back in
a big way from being able to jump right back in again. I need to figure things out, things such as
how to continue to make self-honoring choices, how to continue to be strong in
my own self-loving, but let his love fill me as well, and how to open my heart
up to him again and let down this protective barrier that I have built up so
high around it so that I am able to trust him (and me) again.
Reentry into this relationship isn’t as easy as it seemed
that it might be….for me anyway. But I
think that is ok….or at least I hope it is. I'm trusting that through love and communication it will get easier...
One thing that I really realized this weekend is that I need
to continue to make self-honoring choices for myself if this relationship is
going to succeed....and that I stopped doing many of those self-honoring actions this past
month. Because isn’t it funny how once
we become happier, our prayers become less frequent, the time spent on taking
care of inner and spiritual self diminishes and our focus changes? Or maybe that is just me….though I doubt
it. And it's not something that I'm proud of....just aware of....and ready to change. So my intention with all of this is
to take it all slow, take care of myself and honor myself and Jonny throughout this process....because I know that we are each so worth it....
When Jonny came to visit, he made me a CD to listen to and
on the CD there was a demo version of "I wont give up" that Jason Mraz had made prior to releasing the song, and I like this version a lot because it is completely
acoustic, but it also has different lyrics to it that the radio version doesn’t
have. The lyrics are below….and I
love them because they encompass everything that I have been feeling lately….not
giving up, healing a broken heart, knowing that I am worth it, knowing that he is worth it (that WE are worth it!), knowing that I am loved…..
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get dark
I'm healing this broken heart
I know I'm worth it...
I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
Lady you're worth it (and we're worth it)
No, I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
Lady you're worth it (and we're worth it)
No, I won't give up..
It is going to be a journey these next few months….but even
though parts of it feels scary, it feels so good too….which I think is part of
the scariness :-)
 |
| Lunch with some of the girls in my class |
Take care of yourself this week.
E
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