Three Years Later

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It wasn’t until I finished writing this that I remembered that in 2008 I had written the same type of reflection except it was titled “One Year Later” instead of three. I am so glad to see that I am now over the “survival” phase and onto the “living” phase. Whew. I am grateful for that. I don’t know if this reflection is as well written, as this one was more of a reflection for myself and not necessarily to be shared with others – but I am sharing it anyways. So read along….

December 27, 2010

Three years ago today I sat in a Starbucks as I watched my husband tell me that he no longer wanted to be married to me anymore. Three years ago, I saw my sweet, perfect, little world crash before my eyes. And three years ago, I thought that life had ended and I wasn’t quite sure how I was going to go on.

Today – exactly three years later – I am sitting in a Starbucks yet once again, but this time I am not sitting in that dreadful corner table on Superior Street in Duluth, MN. This time I am sitting at the Starbucks in the Lima, Peru airport awaiting my flight to Cusco. This time I see that my life didn’t end, that in fact it did go on and that it has done a pretty good turn around, as it is oh so sweet again.

Though three years later, I still struggle at times. The Holidays still have ways of bringing back flashbacks of Tyler, his family, and the hellish pain that I went through that first Christmas alone. I still struggle with insecurities, trust and the wonder of believing in a lasting marriage again. Sometimes the emotional turmoil that I put myself through with these thoughts knocks me off my center. Makes me lose myself. Makes me forget my true being.

My true being – she who is loving and kind. She who smiles often and throws her head back in laughter. She who is strong in herself. She who trusts and loves freely – not withholding her love because of pettiness. She who lets go and lets God. And she who remembers to trust in Him and just live life in by which doing so, she will answer all of her questions.

I forget to do this sometimes. I forget to trust in God and I don’t always love unconditionally. I get caught up in the negativity of these lower realms of life and become afraid of losing and being hurt again. And I forget that I am strong and that in my core I am already everything that I want to be, I just have to move my awareness there and recognize the reality of my own soul. And most of all, I forget to forgive. I forget to forgive myself. I forget to continually forgive Tyler and Jonny and everyone else who has once caused my heart pain. And I forget to forgive others whom I have judged and forgive myself for judging them.

So where does this leave me three years later? Well….an obvious work in progress I guess. I’m happier – that’s for sure. I have learned to love again – and it’s been wonderful. And I’m still working on finding and creating myself – though I have a feeling I will be working on that for the rest of my life. Am I totally content? Not quite yet. Can I freely say that this divorce happened for a reason (still somewhat unknown to me) and that I am better because of it? Yes. Though I can’t say that I have seen the full circle of it yet, but I don’t know if I will until I have my own family again and feel truly happy and secure. But, I can see clearly that if I hadn’t gone through the divorce, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I wouldn’t have this amazing job, or experienced these phenomenal travels, or be in love with this darling Jonny of mine – who I feel is so much more compatible for me than Tyler ever was.

So am I doing okay? Yeah. I sure am. Though I still have a lot to work on and get through – but don’t we all?

So cheers to the New Year, growth and resilience. I want to declare 2011 to be a year of dedication to myself, to love and to God. I want to laugh often, love freely and align spiritually. I want adventures, travels, good health and joy. And I want to do this in partnership with myself, Spirit and others….being aware of the divinity that is within us all….. Starting Now.

So with that, so long 2010

…..and the beat goes on!

The blessings already are.