The dreaming tree

There is a song by Dave Matthews Band called "The Dreaming Tree" and in the song he says:

"She gave it all she had
But treasures slowly fade
Now she's falling hard
She feels the fall of dark
How did this fall apart
She drinks to fill it up
A smile of sweetest flowers
Wilted so and soured
Black tears stain the cheeks
That once were so admired
She thinks when she was small
There on her father's knee
How he had promised her
You'll always be my baby
Daddy come quick
The dreaming tree has died "

Lately I have been thinking a lot about how what I had always envisioned for my life with Tyler is no longer going to happen. The way that I interpret "The Dreaming Tree" is that it is about how childhood dreams die in the whole growing up process - ideals crushed, hearts broken, innocence lost....

Since the beginning of January I feel like I have grown up a tremendous amount. As March 25th looms closer and closer this whole divorce feels like more and more of a reality. It is really sinking in like "wow, my marriage is going to be over" and with the finality of that, a lot of dreams that I had will be over for the time being as well. It is so strange to think about not continuing on to rotations and residency with him (not that being a wife of a resident was a huge, grand dream of mine - lets be honest here). But important dreams - like having a family and children - are going to have to be put on hold for the time being and that is a tough one for me to swallow right now. I really, really want to have kids and be a mom and it is sad for me to know that right now thats not what is going to happen in my life. But I think that someday it will and that ray of hope for the future is a good one...because good news, I am only 23 and still have a lot of life ahead of me.

Last weekend I had some friends over for dinner and my friend's dad came along. I had never met his dad before and he asked why I was moving back to MN, to which I replied "I am getting divorced." He looked at me with the sweetest look in his eyes and told me the following story. He said "I was once divorced...I was married to my first wife for three years...and it didn't work out. But I can look back on that experience now and see that it worked out for the best, because I had to go through that to be who I am today. Because of my divorce I was able to grow and meet my current wife and make this beautiful family with her. So Elsie, please know that there is hope for the future and that you will be ok. Keep living your life with your heart open and always follow your heart and your inner knowing for that will never lead you astray." As he told me that I had tears running down my cheeks and was so grateful that he had shared his story with me, as well as his profound comments on love and life. It was exactly what I needed to hear, as earlier in the day I was really struggling with the whole lost dreams/family issue. Ever since that night I have been reminding myself to go forward with my heart open and to trust in myself.

Someone told me the other week "Tyler is living his dream (or so he says) - it is now time for you to live yours." So with that, I am working on compiling my new dreams of being a single woman and all of the adventures that I can and will have....it's kind of exciting to think of all the possibilities. And so when I am sad and lonely and freaked out about the divorce and the move, I have been trying to think about all of the opportunities that will come my way.

I will end with one of my favorite quotes:

"I began to have an idea of my life, not as the slow shaping of achievement to fit my preconceived purposes, but as the gradual discovery and growth of a purpose of which I did not know" - Joanna Field, English Psychologist.