Staying Awake

When I lived in Mexico, I never thought that I would miss it the way that I do, but it ends up that I do miss Oaxaca…..a lot.

I just returned home from an International Education Conference in Kansas. 

Kansas is very far from Mexico.

At those types of things, people love to ask you where you are from.  I had to always answer with “Duluth”.

Though, I seemed to always follow-up with “but I just recently moved back from Oaxaca, Mexico”, because the answer of “Duluth” never seemed to satisfy me.

I realized that having lived in Oaxaca gives me significance.  It makes me feel special, whereas Duluth doesn’t.  And when I get to talk about Mexico, it makes me able to miss it a little bit less, so I tend to like to bring it into conversation whenever possible.

I need to process my experience of living there, but I don’t know how.

The loss of Jonny happened at the same time as our transition back to the States and that loss overtook any chance of a healthy transition back and because of that only now am I beginning to process it.  The thing is, the only person that I want to process it with is him.  No one else understands on the same level.  So I end up missing Oaxaca and him together, which seems to make it worse.

Not only do I miss Oaxaca, but Latin America in general.  My heart aches for it and this reverse culture shock is a slow, confusing process, especially because I feel so isolated in it.

At this conference there were also tons of people there from Colorado.

I made friends with 4 people from Fort Collins.  I wished that I was getting on the plane with them back to Denver. 

I secretly envied them for living there.  I wanted to tell all of them that “I was supposed to be there too!!”  But instead I kept my mouth shut, because no one except for me really cares that I was supposed to live there.  The fact is that I’m not living there.  I need to work on living in the present. 

All of this makes me feel confused and like I am still wandering around lost. 

When will this get easier?

I cry in the mornings still – though not every day anymore.  I suppose that part is getting easier.  Thank God too, as I was starting to go through a lot of Kleenex.

This week I read a quote by Tony Robbins, he said “The only thing keeping us from getting what we want is the story that we are telling ourselves for why we can’t have it.”

I realized that I have a lot of limiting stories that I need to work through.  

The hard part is actually working them and letting them go.

I go back to USM next weekend; I’ll try to work them there.

USM gives me hope for the future.

Hope that life will be beautiful again.

Hope that I will love again.

Hope that someday I won’t hurt so much anymore and will no longer wake up with such a tightness in my stomach.

A French Proverb says “Hope is the dream of a soul awake”.

Here’s to hoping I continue to stay awake……