Writers Block

I’ve had a bad spell of writers block lately. 

Not knowing how to access my emotions and share them with you here - openly, freely, and creatively….

I’ve been feeling numb.

Numbness blocks my creativity.

It doesn’t allow for the words to flow, and it makes things feel mushy and heavy and hard.

But tonight I’m trying to break through the numbness and instead of just staying in it, taking active steps forward, onwards and OUT.

Steps like writing – even if I don’t feel like it.

These small steps allow me to make progress and help me get better.

"Your only as sick as your secrets" they say, so I figure that I might as well share mine....

My secret is that although I hide it well somedays, I'm still really quite sad. 

You see, I’m starting to enjoy life more.

Or at least I am on the outside. 

For those who don’t know me well enough, you see me as that happy-go-lucky, fun gal to hang out with.  I'm fairly social.  I'm staying busy.

I appear to be better.

For the most part... 

However, those who know me well – you know better than that. 

You know that there is still this heavy sadness that seems to stay with me wherever I go. 

A sadness that I can’t seem to shake, so at times I go numb so that I can at least try to function. 

Try being the key word.

The past few days I have found myself moving slowly and getting stuck in one spot where I will just sit

and sit

and sit

and stare

and think

and sit some more. 

This usually happens at night. 

I’m not sure what I’m waiting for – but I get lost in my thoughts….

Lost in my sadness….

My heart and my bed feel lonely.

And so I will just sit there to avoid the loneliness of having to go to a bed where I no longer am the little spoon. 

Letting the tears trickle slowly….down….my….cheeks….

Yet after a while there is this voice that always shows up inside to urge me along, into bed.

And so I listen to that voice of wisdom and crawl into bed, lonely and hungry, but knowing that I must carry on….

And carry on I have, as I try to face this broken heart.

I’m working on applying loving inside to the places that hurt.

I’ve been able to recognize, acknowledge and express images of my own self-worth.

It’s been hard – but progress has been made.

I’ve been trying to believe in myself, in my friends, in my family, in my God and in the trust that this is all happening perfectly.

As it should.

I’m learning to embrace new parts of me that I never liked before.

Like my big, curly hair. 

Its real big.

And curly.

My friends say its pretty. 

I like to trust that I can believe them.

I’m ready for this numbness to leave.

For my creativity to return.

For my happiness to be stable and no longer fleeting.

For my longing to decrease.

He feels it too.  He feels how hard it is.  He knows my pain.  He loves me still.....

Yet nothing is changing.  Within the status of our relationship at least.  There is lots that is changing everywhere else.

But there is still more inner work that needs to be done.  But won't that always be the case?

It’s been four months.  

That feels like a LONG time, yet I need to remind myself that its really not in the whole scheme of things.

Each day I continue to try to choose a path full of compassion, health and wisdom.

Each day I just try to make the next best good choice. 

But somedays I get off track.

Today was one of those days.

So was yesterday.

Yet I know that this numbness….that this too shall pass. 

Tomorrow is a new day. 

Maybe tomorrow I’ll write a happy blog for Thanksgiving – as I know there is much to be thankful for. 

Ok I can do that.

Yet right now, tomorrow is miles and miles away.

So here you are you are stuck with a sad post from today.

One day at a time – I can do that too.

So can you.

Sitting.  Too late at night. With big, messy, curls.