Quote of the day....

"Any transition serious enough to alter your definition of self will require not just small adjustments in your way of living and thinking but a full-on metamorphosis" - Martha Beck-

I came across this quote today and loved it. It made me feel normal, as lately I have been thinking about how my life was turned upside down and how I have gone through a lot of changes to get it back on track and how I am feeling so out of balance about things. But then I read this quote and it reminded me that "oh, yeah, it's okay to not feel completely content yet, there have been some major changes here in the past six months, give yourself a break Els!"

I am still in the metamorphosis stage....however, I am working on it and hopefully someday the process will be beautifully complete.

"Metamorphosis, which is usually (but not always) accompanied by a change of habitat or behavior."

The word "metamorphosis" derives from Greek "transformation, transforming."

The Rainforest....

This was as of the beginning of June:

So lately my days have been filled with finishing up my volunteer work and spending lots of time swimming and in the rainforests. I have been swimming in the most amazing places lately. The other weekend we went swimming at these beautiful waterfalls that were surrounded by dense forests and 40 ft cliffs that we could jump off of ....I think that we swam and played there for about three hours straight - and by the time we had to go, I still wasn't ready to leave....I loved it. Last weekend we went to Michael's (the jaguar guy) farm which is way up in the rainforest. It consisted of us driving up the Hummingbird Highway (isn't that the cutest name for a highway ever?) through lush, dense rainforests and arrived at the most beautiful piece of land. We turned down this little driveway that was completely and gorgeously overgrown with some of the most amazing tropical flowers and trees - the driveway led to this area of cleared land, with banana trees everywhere and horses roaming and this amazing little creek that bordered the property. We went swimming in the creek and let me just say that swimming in a river, in the middle of the rainforest (in the rain too!) was absolutely amazing. The little river was great fun and you could jump in off some rocks and then the current would push you down the stream and then you would swim back up and do it all over again. I loved it and think that I swam there for at least an hour and a half...it was fabulous. After swimming we went up to the house and sat on the porch until dark, laying in hammocks, listening to the pitter patter of the rain and to Jonny playing guitar. The view from the porch overlooks Michael's land and the most amazing green, dense mountains with clouds wisping in and around them. Pretty much it was a little slice of heaven...

May 26, 2008

This is an excerpt from something that I wrote on the last page of my journal. I started the journal on January 1 when the whole divorce thing began....and it ended on May 26. I thought that I would share with everyone, how far I have come in the past few months:

I am sitting at Cahal Pech overlooking the valley and listening to the rain on the rooftop. The rain smells delicious and fresh and it is so beautiful watching it come down over the valley. I went and stood in it and it made me feel peaceful and happy. I like it here. What I am here to do is work on my own equilibrium and this still feels, at least for now, like a nourishing climate in which to do that.
Overall I am happy and content and feel like I have come a long way since the beginning of all this. Loneliness still has it's way of creeping up on me, but it's occurrence is fewer and farther between. I am stronger, wiser, more thoughtful, more insightful and am working on loving myself more each day. At times I still feel plagued with the divorce, bit I think that with time it will get easier - it has only been two months.

However right now, in this moment, watching the thunder and lightening over San Ignacio, Belize, I am happy. Life is becoming good again.

It's 100 degrees everyday and there is no air conditioning...but I still love it.

I am writing to give you a little update of my past week in Belize and show you some pictures of all the cool stuff that I have been seeing :-)

This past week has been amazing - I am in love with this country. Last week I went to go and see the Jaguars and they are the most amazing creatures that I have ever seen in my entire life....I have included a few pictures of them. There were two of them, one was spotted and the other was black. But notice on the black Jag how you can still see the spots - cool huh? We were so close to them it was unreal, if I wanted to I think that I could have reached out and touched it...but I decided that I really like all 10 of my fingers and that I would keep my hands to myself, just in case it got a little hungry....














My days generally consist of working at the nursing home in the mornings and then working on Jaguar stuff in the afternoon. I am starting to like the nursing home more and more and the people there are really sweet. After I am done doing physical therapy on some of the residents I generally play games with them or help out in the kitchen (they are so understaffed there that the nurses have to make all of the food and prepare the meals as well....and here in Belize everything is hand made and fresh...nothing is prepackaged or in a can....so the nurses have their work cut out for them). The residents all speak Spanish and English and have been trying to teach me Spanish...we are working on my numbers right now and yesterday I played an entire game of Bingo in Spanish...it was pretty great.

Last weekend I went on the most amazing adventure of my life. The girls and I and a group of guys we met from Washington state went to this cave called Actun Tunichil Muknal (ATM) and it absolutely blew me away. To get there we had to hike through the jungle for a few miles, foraging rivers and climbing rocks and stuff...and then once we finally made it to the cave, we had to swim through the entrance, put on helmets and head lamps and then walked, climbed, swam and squeezed our way through tiny openings within the cave for at least an hour before reaching this huge opening with all of these amazing Mayan ruins and skeletons. It was so fun and such an adventure...I think that I can honestly say that it was the coolest thing that I have ever done in my entire life....I wish that I could explain it better, but words will not suffice - if any of you ever come down to Belize you have find a way to get to this cave, as I promise you that you won't regret it.

This weekend the girls and I are going to take a bus down to the Cayes (pronounced Keys) which are the islands off of Belize in the Caribbean....I am not sure if we are going to be leaving Friday (as Friday is my birthday and we may want to spend it here in town) or Saturday morning...but regardless we plan to go and snorkel and swim and lay on the beach and just have a good time....

Well that is about it for now...I am doing well and enjoying the country, my host family and all of the cool people that I have met thus far. I think that meeting the people down here - whether they are locals or just traveling through - is one of my favorite parts of this entire trip....everyone has such a good story...its great. Yesterday I was thinking about how earlier this year a friend said to me "I hope that at some point you can stop surviving and start living" and I feel like I have definitely started living again...and it feels great :-)

The pictures are of the Jaguars, a cougar, the entrance to the cave, me eating a termite (it kind of tasted like a carrot and is supposedly high in protein), and one of the old men at the nursing home who takes care of the chickens in the chicken coop out back. And sorry that it isn't presented all cute and stuff...I just put them up there as quick as I could just so that you could get a little peak of what I am all seeing...maybe when I return to the states I will put it together cutely, but for now this will just have to do! :-)

Belize it or not....I'm leaving tomorrow!

Yes thats right, the start of my adventure is upon me and I am getting pretty excited and a little nervous - but mainly just excited. I found out that for my volunteer work I am going to be working at a health center in the mornings and then in the afternoons I am going to be working with - get this - Jaguars. Ok ok so I don't think that I will be actually working one on one with them, but I will be setting up a survey project that they will be using for the next 10 years and I will get to see demonstrations done with them and stuff like that.....I don't think that it is really as cool as it sounds....but whatever, I still really like to tell people that I am going to be working with Jaguars cause really who in Minnesota ever gets to say that? No one.

I also have found out more about my host family. I will be living with a family of four - a mom, dad, 18 year old son and 15 year old daughter. I don't know much about them except that their dad works for the Ministry of Health (does that remind anyone of Harry Potter and the Ministry of Magic....maybe these guys are wizards...lets hope so anyway). My family also said that in the afternoons when it is hot out they like to go and have picnics by the river and go swimming - which sounds pretty great to me, cause I'm always down for picnics and swimming!

I am a little nervous about this whole deal as I don't know what to expect from it all. But I do know that whatever happens it will be a good adventure and that there will be a lot of learning that will take place.

I was watching the movie Into the Wild the other day and this quote really stuck with me, it said:

"I've learned how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong but to feel strong. To measure yourself at least once. To find yourself at least once in the most ancient of human conditions. "

I think that with everything that has happened in the past four months that this trip will be one of those experiences where I really measure myself. I feel like I got the whole "strong" thing down when I went through the divorce, but I don't feel like I truly measured myself. I am hoping that with this trip - with being of service and traveling alone and having adventures and time to reflect - that I will be able to truly measure myself. I am excited to see what it all entails....

I will try to update while in Belize....so keep checkin' back. Enjoy your desk jobs everyone :-)

Woah Els...you still miss him....

Today I was blog stalking and was reading Jayne's blog and the song "The Luckiest" by Ben Folds (whose concert I just went to on Sunday) came on. The song is so sweet and simple and is about how he is in love with this girl and sees her face everyday and knows that he is the luckiest...and it made me cry so hard. Like the kind of crying where you stomach heaves in and out and your body just shakes. I haven't cried this hard in a few weeks - I think that I have been trying to distract myself with everything else in my life besides the fact that I just recently got divorced. I've been hanging out with friends and going dancing and to concerts and going out of town and planning for Belize and trying not to think about Tyler and how much I miss him. And then I heard this song and I couldn't distract myself any longer and had to just let myself cry and be really sad. I realized that "wow...I really miss him....so so much."

Tomorrow we will have been divorced for a month and it feels like that day was forever ago. Sometimes I still feel like I am grasping for something to hold on to, cause I still feel like my life is spiraling out of control. It is such a strange feeling to be so distracted, but to have this weird, underlying sadness with me wherever I go - only for it to creep up on me when I least expect it and have it explode when I hear a sweet song about a guy being the luckiest man in the world cause he found someone to spend the rest of his life with....and I think....does he miss me too? Does he break down when hes alone? He has to right....I mean hes human....but then again, he is Tyler....so who knows if he misses me. But I miss him....I miss his touch and his hands and his thick calloused fingers and short little finger nails. I miss his kisses and the warmth of his breath and the feeling of his body snuggled up next to mine. I miss not hearing about his day and the way he so lovingly called me Elsa. I miss feeling so comfortable with him and giggling with him and seeing his smile. I miss all the little things - I miss the life that we had together. And I know that it doesn't get me anywhere to dwell on the past, cause that is over now....but at the same time I think that it is ok to do every once and awhile. Its funny how my brain only remembers the good things and so easily pushes out how much of an asshole he was the last three months of our marriage. Regardless, I miss him - asshole tendencies and all.

I'm going to BELIZE!!!

Last week I applied for a volunteer internship program in Belize and I found out on Friday that I was accepted to the program! I am so excited as volunteering and living in another country is something that I have always wanted to do - however I have always had too many ties and haven't been able to go. But now I am not tied to anything....I'm not in a relationship, I'm not employed, I'm not in school....so I figured now is as good as time as ever for me to get the hell outta dodge and have an adventure.

My program starts May 3 and I will be there until June 1. I wanted to stay longer than a month, however I don't think that I can afford it - but being there for a month should be a good amount of time. I am going by myself and will be living with a host family. I am going through an organization called ProWorld and they seem to be pretty legit. I really like them because their volunteer/intern programs are all set up by people who actually live in the country, instead of it being set up by Americans who go in and are like "you need our help....we are going to help you..." I will work five days a week and then on the weekends will go on amazing excursions throughout Belize. I was reading about one excursion that I will be taking and the description is as follows: "You will go to Actun Tunichil Muknal cave where you will first swim in through the cave entrance where you follow an underground river as it snakes its way through the cave, taking the path traveled hundreds of years ago by Mayan priests. You will then climb your way into a large chamber. As you make your way through to the end of the chamber you will pass Mayan pottery as well as skeletal remains. This adventure is one of the best in Belize and is only recently getting the exposure it deserves." SOUNDS AMAZING RIGHT???

As of right now I am not quite sure what type of volunteer work I will be doing - however I do know that the coordinators down there will set me up according to my experience and skills and how I can best use those to serve others. I'll keep ya'll updated as my plans progress....

Another good thing about this whole Belize deal is that it is a great way for me to explain to others what I am currently doing with my life. Meaning that it is so incredibly awkward for me when I run into acquaintances in Duluth and they ask me one of the following questions:

1. Why are you in Duluth? What are you doing home?
2. Hows married life?
3. How is Tyler? Is he here too???

Lately I have been dreading going out to public gatherings because I hate having to explain the entire divorce situation to people. Depending on who I run in to, I answer with either a short synopsis of the truth or if I am feeling somewhat drained I just tell people that I am back in Duluth for a bit and then am going to do a volunteer internship in Belize. Whenever I mention Belize it generally sparks some good conversation and takes people away from questioning what the heck I am doing back here....I'm not really sure how the best way to deal with all of this is - but I think that I am doing the best that I know how in the moment....I'm trying anyway.

The picture above is of the great blue hole in Belize. It is a limestone sinkhole that is 412 feet deep and is a huge snorkeling/scuba diving attraction - I think that it's pretty amazing - and I am excited to see it in person :-)