A Love Letter...

My Sweet Jonny,

This year, I was caught by surprise as Valentine’s Day came about, because to be totally honest, I wasn’t really thinking that I would have a Valentine this year.  But as this day of love came upon us and I realized that I would in fact have a Valentine, and that my Valentine would be YOU, I frantically racked my brain for how I could impress you with an amazingly wonderful surprise gift.  However, no gift seemed to do justice for how I was feeling, so instead, this year I am going to let my gift be my invitation to continue to create something wonderful together with you, to express my love simply and openly to you, with you. 

This year, I see Valentine’s Day as two lovers who were separated for six months, but whom came back together because we knew that we could never stop loving one another.  We reunited from two very different (yet similar) journeys and have agreed to come together as we each grow, develop and unfold into the beings that we were brought here on Earth to be.   I also see it as two lovers who discovered our own individuality again; and we found that individuality because we let vulnerability into our true emotions and love for who we really are.  And I see that this true love between us occurred because our souls had time to mature.  We were broken down and beat around and struggled to continue on – yet in that pain and despair, we were able to be ripped open so that the light within could shine brightly and brilliantly and finally be shared purely with one another, and in that process of being ripped open, we grew and our souls grew, and we matured.   And in that mature space we now allow each other to feel and be heard, we have created a space to share our naked emotions, revealing the truth and beauty of our own soul and inner peace.  And as we move forward, we must continue to remind ourselves that we can only live in the present, unable to control the past or determine the future, and that forgiveness is a process that must be practiced daily.  The best that we can do is to ensure that our own seed of love is as strong, healthy and vibrant as it can possibly be so that we can plant that seed of love in one another’s hearts.  And so my gift to you today, is simply to say I love you and that I am here continuing along this path with you, planting my seed of love and sharing this bruitiful journey called Life. 

In Love,

laughter erupts

shoulders relax

tears fall

hearts open

positivity ripples

eyes glimmer

touches soften

happiness pursues

smiles broaden

everyone is forgiven

and We sparkle and shine.

I love you. 

On being worth it...

When I am at USM for my school weekends, I feel like I am in a bubble.  A shiny-warm-safe-fun-light-filled-love bubble.   My classroom is this special place where I feel completely loved and accepted for who I am and I in return, love and accept everyone else for who they are.  It is this magical little space that seems to rarely happen in other areas of my life....

Just now, I have reentered “real life” and am at the LAX airport.  It is a far cry from the sweet energy that is USM.  I just completed my fifth weekend of class and I’ve got to say – this program just keeps getting better and better.  I’m falling in love with my instructors, with my classmates and most importantly - - with myself.  It all feels so good, but in some way this growth feels scary as well and it’s the falling in love with myself part that really scares me, because I finally found my self-love again and now I’m afraid that it is going to disappear.  You see, in the past, whenever I would get into a relationship with a man, there would be a part of me that would stop loving myself because I would become dependent on my man’s love for that.  It’s a slippery slope – I know.  And one that didn’t work out too well in my and Jonny’s past relationship.  And so as I look at fully reentering a new relationship with him again, it is something that I am cautious about and honestly, something that feels like it is holding me back in a big way from being able to jump right back in again.  I need to figure things out, things such as how to continue to make self-honoring choices, how to continue to be strong in my own self-loving, but let his love fill me as well, and how to open my heart up to him again and let down this protective barrier that I have built up so high around it so that I am able to trust him (and me) again. 

Reentry into this relationship isn’t as easy as it seemed that it might be….for me anyway.  But I think that is ok….or at least I hope it is.  I'm trusting that through love and communication it will get easier... 

One thing that I really realized this weekend is that I need to continue to make self-honoring choices for myself if this relationship is going to succeed....and that I stopped doing many of those self-honoring actions this past month.  Because isn’t it funny how once we become happier, our prayers become less frequent, the time spent on taking care of inner and spiritual self diminishes and our focus changes?  Or maybe that is just me….though I doubt it.  And it's not something that I'm proud of....just aware of....and ready to change.  So my intention with all of this is to take it all slow, take care of myself and honor myself and Jonny throughout this process....because I know that we are each so worth it....

When Jonny came to visit, he made me a CD to listen to and on the CD there was a demo version of "I wont give up" that Jason Mraz had made prior to releasing the song, and I like this version a lot because it is completely acoustic, but it also has different lyrics to it that the radio version doesn’t have.   The lyrics are below….and I love them because they encompass everything that I have been feeling lately….not giving up, healing a broken heart, knowing that I am worth it, knowing that he is worth it (that WE are worth it!), knowing that I am loved…..

I won't give up on us

Even if the skies get dark

I'm healing this broken heart

I know I'm worth it...

I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)

God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)

We got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)

Lady you're worth it (and we're worth it)

No, I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)

God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)

We got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)

Lady you're worth it (and we're worth it)

No, I won't give up..

It is going to be a journey these next few months….but even though parts of it feels scary, it feels so good too….which I think is part of the scariness :-)

Lunch with some of the girls in my class

Take care of yourself this week. 

E

Love Wins....

I know.

I haven’t posted in a loooong time.

It’s because I’ve been busy.

And happier. 

And vacationing in Hawaii. 

And trying to understand new changes in my life. 

And most recently hanging out with Jonny Roman.  Yes, you read that right….this weekend…..this happened…..

Jonny came to Minneapolis. 

To visit me.

Because he loves me. 

A lot. 

A whole hell of a lot.

 I know, I know, your jaws are all dropping, mine is still dropping too….there is a lot of back story to all of this, which I don’t feel like getting into in great detail, but essentially around the New Year, Jonny and I started talking again and he started initiating talks of “Could we do this again? Could this work?”.  We decided that we wanted to see if it could…..but I told him that I couldn’t talk it out over the phone with him and that since he had taken pretty drastic actions to get out of our relationship, he needed to take drastic actions to get back in and that if he wanted to really do this, he would have to come and see me.  I was trying to have some serious self-respect with this (and to stick up for myself) and it worked, because he booked a plane ticket.  Right away.  And get this, the date that he arrived was January 24….. exactly 6 months after the day that we had broken up.   Crazy how life happens sometimes, right?

And so Jonny came this weekend.  And it ended up being so beautiful.  I’ll be honest, it was a little weird at first though….we hadn’t seen each other in 6 full months…and so much had happened throughout those months, including so much pain, that it was a little strange to be together right away, but we eventually got over that and started having really deep, honest, sweet conversations and we did a lot of talking and crying and laughing and playing.  And by the end of the weekend we had decided that this was so good that we had to keep on trying.

Jonny told me multiple times that he is now finally ready for me, for this love, for this relationship.  And not only is he ready, but he wants it so much and he is not giving up.  He surprised me by singing me the song I won't give up by Jason Mraz this weekend and it was so perfect, because during our break-up, whenever I would hear this song on the radio it would make me cry and I would secretly wish that someday we would get back together and he would sing this to me on guitar...And on Sat. morning he finally sang it to me...When he sang it to me the first time this weekend, I just started bawling and cried so hard…..but by the 3^rd rendition (over the weekend I kept asking him to sing it for me...) I had stopped crying and was finally able to just enjoy it.  

But even with his romantic songs and ever-present love for me this weekend, I’m still a little apprehensive and somewhat leery at times, as I really don’t want to get hurt again, nor do I want to give up this new life that I have worked so hard to build. However, I don’t think that I have to give up this life in order to love Jonny, I think that I can live them both simultaneously.  There is a lot to still figure out….but right now, in this moment, I feel happy….and I know that he does too.

We are still going to take it slow and I’m not moving there anytime soon.  I will however be visiting Ft. Collins in the next few weeks to check it out, visit our pup Ollie and see how it feels to be with Jonny in his new home. 

More to come….

xo

E