It's 100 degrees everyday and there is no air conditioning...but I still love it.

I am writing to give you a little update of my past week in Belize and show you some pictures of all the cool stuff that I have been seeing :-)

This past week has been amazing - I am in love with this country. Last week I went to go and see the Jaguars and they are the most amazing creatures that I have ever seen in my entire life....I have included a few pictures of them. There were two of them, one was spotted and the other was black. But notice on the black Jag how you can still see the spots - cool huh? We were so close to them it was unreal, if I wanted to I think that I could have reached out and touched it...but I decided that I really like all 10 of my fingers and that I would keep my hands to myself, just in case it got a little hungry....














My days generally consist of working at the nursing home in the mornings and then working on Jaguar stuff in the afternoon. I am starting to like the nursing home more and more and the people there are really sweet. After I am done doing physical therapy on some of the residents I generally play games with them or help out in the kitchen (they are so understaffed there that the nurses have to make all of the food and prepare the meals as well....and here in Belize everything is hand made and fresh...nothing is prepackaged or in a can....so the nurses have their work cut out for them). The residents all speak Spanish and English and have been trying to teach me Spanish...we are working on my numbers right now and yesterday I played an entire game of Bingo in Spanish...it was pretty great.

Last weekend I went on the most amazing adventure of my life. The girls and I and a group of guys we met from Washington state went to this cave called Actun Tunichil Muknal (ATM) and it absolutely blew me away. To get there we had to hike through the jungle for a few miles, foraging rivers and climbing rocks and stuff...and then once we finally made it to the cave, we had to swim through the entrance, put on helmets and head lamps and then walked, climbed, swam and squeezed our way through tiny openings within the cave for at least an hour before reaching this huge opening with all of these amazing Mayan ruins and skeletons. It was so fun and such an adventure...I think that I can honestly say that it was the coolest thing that I have ever done in my entire life....I wish that I could explain it better, but words will not suffice - if any of you ever come down to Belize you have find a way to get to this cave, as I promise you that you won't regret it.

This weekend the girls and I are going to take a bus down to the Cayes (pronounced Keys) which are the islands off of Belize in the Caribbean....I am not sure if we are going to be leaving Friday (as Friday is my birthday and we may want to spend it here in town) or Saturday morning...but regardless we plan to go and snorkel and swim and lay on the beach and just have a good time....

Well that is about it for now...I am doing well and enjoying the country, my host family and all of the cool people that I have met thus far. I think that meeting the people down here - whether they are locals or just traveling through - is one of my favorite parts of this entire trip....everyone has such a good story...its great. Yesterday I was thinking about how earlier this year a friend said to me "I hope that at some point you can stop surviving and start living" and I feel like I have definitely started living again...and it feels great :-)

The pictures are of the Jaguars, a cougar, the entrance to the cave, me eating a termite (it kind of tasted like a carrot and is supposedly high in protein), and one of the old men at the nursing home who takes care of the chickens in the chicken coop out back. And sorry that it isn't presented all cute and stuff...I just put them up there as quick as I could just so that you could get a little peak of what I am all seeing...maybe when I return to the states I will put it together cutely, but for now this will just have to do! :-)

Belize it or not....I'm leaving tomorrow!

Yes thats right, the start of my adventure is upon me and I am getting pretty excited and a little nervous - but mainly just excited. I found out that for my volunteer work I am going to be working at a health center in the mornings and then in the afternoons I am going to be working with - get this - Jaguars. Ok ok so I don't think that I will be actually working one on one with them, but I will be setting up a survey project that they will be using for the next 10 years and I will get to see demonstrations done with them and stuff like that.....I don't think that it is really as cool as it sounds....but whatever, I still really like to tell people that I am going to be working with Jaguars cause really who in Minnesota ever gets to say that? No one.

I also have found out more about my host family. I will be living with a family of four - a mom, dad, 18 year old son and 15 year old daughter. I don't know much about them except that their dad works for the Ministry of Health (does that remind anyone of Harry Potter and the Ministry of Magic....maybe these guys are wizards...lets hope so anyway). My family also said that in the afternoons when it is hot out they like to go and have picnics by the river and go swimming - which sounds pretty great to me, cause I'm always down for picnics and swimming!

I am a little nervous about this whole deal as I don't know what to expect from it all. But I do know that whatever happens it will be a good adventure and that there will be a lot of learning that will take place.

I was watching the movie Into the Wild the other day and this quote really stuck with me, it said:

"I've learned how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong but to feel strong. To measure yourself at least once. To find yourself at least once in the most ancient of human conditions. "

I think that with everything that has happened in the past four months that this trip will be one of those experiences where I really measure myself. I feel like I got the whole "strong" thing down when I went through the divorce, but I don't feel like I truly measured myself. I am hoping that with this trip - with being of service and traveling alone and having adventures and time to reflect - that I will be able to truly measure myself. I am excited to see what it all entails....

I will try to update while in Belize....so keep checkin' back. Enjoy your desk jobs everyone :-)

Woah Els...you still miss him....

Today I was blog stalking and was reading Jayne's blog and the song "The Luckiest" by Ben Folds (whose concert I just went to on Sunday) came on. The song is so sweet and simple and is about how he is in love with this girl and sees her face everyday and knows that he is the luckiest...and it made me cry so hard. Like the kind of crying where you stomach heaves in and out and your body just shakes. I haven't cried this hard in a few weeks - I think that I have been trying to distract myself with everything else in my life besides the fact that I just recently got divorced. I've been hanging out with friends and going dancing and to concerts and going out of town and planning for Belize and trying not to think about Tyler and how much I miss him. And then I heard this song and I couldn't distract myself any longer and had to just let myself cry and be really sad. I realized that "wow...I really miss him....so so much."

Tomorrow we will have been divorced for a month and it feels like that day was forever ago. Sometimes I still feel like I am grasping for something to hold on to, cause I still feel like my life is spiraling out of control. It is such a strange feeling to be so distracted, but to have this weird, underlying sadness with me wherever I go - only for it to creep up on me when I least expect it and have it explode when I hear a sweet song about a guy being the luckiest man in the world cause he found someone to spend the rest of his life with....and I think....does he miss me too? Does he break down when hes alone? He has to right....I mean hes human....but then again, he is Tyler....so who knows if he misses me. But I miss him....I miss his touch and his hands and his thick calloused fingers and short little finger nails. I miss his kisses and the warmth of his breath and the feeling of his body snuggled up next to mine. I miss not hearing about his day and the way he so lovingly called me Elsa. I miss feeling so comfortable with him and giggling with him and seeing his smile. I miss all the little things - I miss the life that we had together. And I know that it doesn't get me anywhere to dwell on the past, cause that is over now....but at the same time I think that it is ok to do every once and awhile. Its funny how my brain only remembers the good things and so easily pushes out how much of an asshole he was the last three months of our marriage. Regardless, I miss him - asshole tendencies and all.

I'm going to BELIZE!!!

Last week I applied for a volunteer internship program in Belize and I found out on Friday that I was accepted to the program! I am so excited as volunteering and living in another country is something that I have always wanted to do - however I have always had too many ties and haven't been able to go. But now I am not tied to anything....I'm not in a relationship, I'm not employed, I'm not in school....so I figured now is as good as time as ever for me to get the hell outta dodge and have an adventure.

My program starts May 3 and I will be there until June 1. I wanted to stay longer than a month, however I don't think that I can afford it - but being there for a month should be a good amount of time. I am going by myself and will be living with a host family. I am going through an organization called ProWorld and they seem to be pretty legit. I really like them because their volunteer/intern programs are all set up by people who actually live in the country, instead of it being set up by Americans who go in and are like "you need our help....we are going to help you..." I will work five days a week and then on the weekends will go on amazing excursions throughout Belize. I was reading about one excursion that I will be taking and the description is as follows: "You will go to Actun Tunichil Muknal cave where you will first swim in through the cave entrance where you follow an underground river as it snakes its way through the cave, taking the path traveled hundreds of years ago by Mayan priests. You will then climb your way into a large chamber. As you make your way through to the end of the chamber you will pass Mayan pottery as well as skeletal remains. This adventure is one of the best in Belize and is only recently getting the exposure it deserves." SOUNDS AMAZING RIGHT???

As of right now I am not quite sure what type of volunteer work I will be doing - however I do know that the coordinators down there will set me up according to my experience and skills and how I can best use those to serve others. I'll keep ya'll updated as my plans progress....

Another good thing about this whole Belize deal is that it is a great way for me to explain to others what I am currently doing with my life. Meaning that it is so incredibly awkward for me when I run into acquaintances in Duluth and they ask me one of the following questions:

1. Why are you in Duluth? What are you doing home?
2. Hows married life?
3. How is Tyler? Is he here too???

Lately I have been dreading going out to public gatherings because I hate having to explain the entire divorce situation to people. Depending on who I run in to, I answer with either a short synopsis of the truth or if I am feeling somewhat drained I just tell people that I am back in Duluth for a bit and then am going to do a volunteer internship in Belize. Whenever I mention Belize it generally sparks some good conversation and takes people away from questioning what the heck I am doing back here....I'm not really sure how the best way to deal with all of this is - but I think that I am doing the best that I know how in the moment....I'm trying anyway.

The picture above is of the great blue hole in Belize. It is a limestone sinkhole that is 412 feet deep and is a huge snorkeling/scuba diving attraction - I think that it's pretty amazing - and I am excited to see it in person :-)

Lake Superior

Yesterday I took Gracie down to Lake Superior and we took a huge walk along the shore. While walking next to the water I was reminded of how much I really do love this city and how incredible the lake is. The waves were really coming in and crashing up against the rocks and as I stood there with the mist spraying my face I felt surrounded with this feeling of strength and peace. There is something so powerful about this lake - it has a tremendous amount of energy - it is hard to explain, but it just does....

One thing that I love about Duluth is that anywhere you are in the city you can always see Lake Superior.....it is so beautiful and I realized that I really missed that when I was away in Kirksville. I decided today that if the people from Kirksville could move and live in Duluth - life would be great, because then I would have the best of both worlds! :-)

P.S. Today I officially changed my name back....Elsie Storm is here to stay and good thing too, cause lets be honest....Storm is way cooler than Callahan :-)

Wild Geese

I am back in my hometown of Duluth, MN. We arrived home late last night and we unloaded my truck, ate a late dinner and then essentially passed out from exhaustion. This has been one hell of a week for me. A little note of advice: don't quit your job, get divorced and move all in one week....it is way too much to handle.

Getting divorced on Tuesday was one of the most emotionally and physically draining things I have ever done in my life. I can't say too much about it, except that it was really sad for the both of us. Tears were shed on both fronts and we both sort of feel like we are going through a death. In some sense we are - it is the death of our marriage and of our hopes and dreams with each other - and because of that and of having to say goodbye to one another we are both sad. Yes, thats right...I said both....he finally showed me some emotion....

Last week I hardly slept and was having troubles with bouts of insomnia. I think that there was just too much on my mind for me to be able to sleep. However now that I am at my parent's house I am finally able to allow my body to rest and last night I slept for nine hours and it was the most sleep that I have gotten in quite some time.

Today I was thinking about how much I miss Kirksville and how I wish that I were back there like crazy. I woke up this morning dreaming about one of my friends there and I was struck with the harsh reality that it was only and dream and that I will not be back for quite some time. I think that I had really prepared myself to leave Tyler, but I never really took time to process leaving all of my beloved friends behind. My friends in Kirksville became my family while I was there and I currently feel lost without them. Can I come back please :-)

It snowed five inches in Duluth today - big fluffy snowflakes - and with that I can say goodbye to any hope of spring coming soon! It's strange because I currently don't feel at home here in Duluth. I feel at home in my parents house, but this city is no longer home to me and that is taking some getting adjusted to.

Tonight I went to my first ever poetry reading. Mary Oliver who is a Pulitzer Prize winner came to Duluth and a friend asked me if I wanted to go and listen to her read her poems.... I decided that I wanted to go...and I ended up really enjoying it. Below is my favorite poem that she read - I really like it because it seems to encourage the reader to look inside during times of hardship as well as continue to keep looking forward....

Wild Geese
by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

D-Day

Well, today was the divorce and it was hard. I can't really write too much about it right now because I am still trying to wrap my head around it. But I can say that I feel different....a little empty, pretty sad and definitely not married anymore. I am exhausted on all levels - but I survived and thats a good thing. People have been really good to me today and I am so grateful for that....thank you to everyone who has helped to take care of me throughout all of this, I really appreciate it.