Well Fanci that...

It was the beginning of February and Fort Collins had been hit with a massive cold streak where the temperature at night was around -20 F.  The next morning, the temperature was still below zero, when Jonny was taking Ollie for a quick walk outside.  He came back from the walk, brought Ollie inside and said that he heard a woman screaming bloody murder in the fields behind us and he was going to go check it out.  I quickly threw on my winter gear and followed him outside.  As soon as I got outside I could hear a woman crying and screaming hysterically – it was the kind of noise that someone makes only when they have lost something that they love passionately.  It was scary, sobering, drenched in pain, and incredibly bone-chilling.  I’ve never heard so much audible grief come from one person before.  As we followed the sound of the wails down the path, I looked ahead of us into a pasture across the frozen river that separated our backyard from the pasture and saw this large white lump lying in the middle of the pasture.  As I strained my eyes to see better I quickly realized that the lump was the majestic white horse that used to graze there, and I put two and two together and understood that the wails were coming from the horse’s owner.  As we got closer to the woman, we yelled out over the frozen river to see if we could help her, she responded back “No, the horse is dead, there is nothing more we can do” and then dropped to her knees and started sobbing again.  So Jonny and I not knowing what to do, somberly turned back to our house with heavy hearts. 

As we got to our house, I felt wrong about just leaving that woman there alone in her grief.  I felt that there was more that we could do.  I started to go into judgment of myself and began asking questions such as “Why didn’t I do more?”  “Why didn’t I cross the river and climb under the fence to reach her?  If it were a human that had died, I would have done that wouldn’t I?  So why didn’t I do that now?”  “I am a Spiritual Psychologist, I should know better, I should have moved past my uncomfortable feelings and crossed the pasture to be with her and help her.”  My heart ached for her and I felt so lost in my grief for her, as well as my judgments around why I didn’t do more, and I continued to stay stuck, until I started to ask better questions.  I changed my questioning from “why didn’t I do more?” to “what can I do right now to help her and share my love and compassion?”.  As soon as I started to ask more empowering questions, the answer came to me – which was to write her a sympathy card, buy a candle for her to burn in the horse’s honor if she wished, and drop it off at her house.  I needed a way to convey to her that my heart was hurting along with hers, and so I bought a card and a candle and wrote a heartfelt message and drove to the house that I thought would be hers based on where the horse was in the pasture.  I was so nervous to bring the card up to the house, but I forced myself to do it, even though the feeling of walking up to this stranger’s house felt incredibly uncomfortable.  I drove into their driveway, and it appeared that no one was there so I put the card and the candle on the front porch, and then drove away.  I left not knowing if it was the right house, or if the woman would ever get my card, or if she would even appreciate it. 

The card and candle that I left on their doorstep....

After that day, I would oftentimes drive past her house and think of her, or would walk Ollie past the pasture and think of the white horse and that sad, cold day in February.  I wondered if the woman ever burned the candle, or if she just thought of it as a stupid offering.  I continued to wonder about her each day as I passed the pasture until today I heard a knock on the door….

I went to answer the door and saw a woman standing there who I didn’t recognize.  She held out a card in her hand and said, “This is for Elsie and Jonny”, I replied with “I’m Elsie” and then she told me about how she was the woman that we saw in the pasture that cold February morning.  She thanked me for my love and compassion and said that it meant so much to her and her family to receive our card and candle.  She started to tear up as she spoke of her horse and thanked us, we then hugged, as her and I – two complete strangers – shared the most beautiful moment of love and connection on my doorstep, and in that moment I was so happy that I had reached out to her that day and stepped outside of my comfort zone, overcame my own fears, and went for the love.  And I’m so glad that she chose to return it.  I’m not sure why she waited until now, but it doesn’t matter, because her visit to my house came at the perfect time and I am so grateful for her returned random acts of kindness.  After she left our house, I opened the card to find a beautiful message, and a picture of her and the horse included.

 She wrote: Dear Elsie and Jonny,

I wanted to THANK YOU so much for your sympathy and compassion 3 months ago when my horse passed away.  It meant a lot to me to know you cared during my mourning.  Fanci, my horse, was the best horse I had ever known, she was my soul-mate horse and we had many joys shared together for 15 years.  I only had expected to have another 15 years with her.  She died from a very acute and severe colic; the curse of the horse.  My family and me miss her so much!  I burned the candle in her honor and I pray I can be blessed to see her in heaven someday; maybe even with wings :-) Thank you for your love and sympathy, even for me “a stranger.”

Sincerely,

Robin and Family

Robin and her horse Fanci

HOW BEAUTIFUL.  Holy LOVE coming right back to me.  THIS is what life is about you guys!  Giving love and receiving love.  And THIS was such a beautiful reminder to me of how I need to continue to reach out, give my love and bring pure, heartfelt compassion to those in need – even if it is with complete strangers.  Because strangers or not, we are all connected, our love matters and it does make a difference. 

So I encourage you – how can you give a little extra love today?  Who can you reach out to that is grieving and check in with them to let them know that you care?  What action step can you do to let someone know that you are thinking of them?  Go do it now.  Don’t let your mind convince you that you are too busy, or that it won’t matter to them – because it will matter – I promise you it will.  I remember when I was grieving and someone reached out to me in the simplest of ways and how much that meant to me.  So follow your heart now and go…

A Love Letter...

My Sweet Jonny,

This year, I was caught by surprise as Valentine’s Day came about, because to be totally honest, I wasn’t really thinking that I would have a Valentine this year.  But as this day of love came upon us and I realized that I would in fact have a Valentine, and that my Valentine would be YOU, I frantically racked my brain for how I could impress you with an amazingly wonderful surprise gift.  However, no gift seemed to do justice for how I was feeling, so instead, this year I am going to let my gift be my invitation to continue to create something wonderful together with you, to express my love simply and openly to you, with you. 

This year, I see Valentine’s Day as two lovers who were separated for six months, but whom came back together because we knew that we could never stop loving one another.  We reunited from two very different (yet similar) journeys and have agreed to come together as we each grow, develop and unfold into the beings that we were brought here on Earth to be.   I also see it as two lovers who discovered our own individuality again; and we found that individuality because we let vulnerability into our true emotions and love for who we really are.  And I see that this true love between us occurred because our souls had time to mature.  We were broken down and beat around and struggled to continue on – yet in that pain and despair, we were able to be ripped open so that the light within could shine brightly and brilliantly and finally be shared purely with one another, and in that process of being ripped open, we grew and our souls grew, and we matured.   And in that mature space we now allow each other to feel and be heard, we have created a space to share our naked emotions, revealing the truth and beauty of our own soul and inner peace.  And as we move forward, we must continue to remind ourselves that we can only live in the present, unable to control the past or determine the future, and that forgiveness is a process that must be practiced daily.  The best that we can do is to ensure that our own seed of love is as strong, healthy and vibrant as it can possibly be so that we can plant that seed of love in one another’s hearts.  And so my gift to you today, is simply to say I love you and that I am here continuing along this path with you, planting my seed of love and sharing this bruitiful journey called Life. 

In Love,

laughter erupts

shoulders relax

tears fall

hearts open

positivity ripples

eyes glimmer

touches soften

happiness pursues

smiles broaden

everyone is forgiven

and We sparkle and shine.

I love you. 

On being worth it...

When I am at USM for my school weekends, I feel like I am in a bubble.  A shiny-warm-safe-fun-light-filled-love bubble.   My classroom is this special place where I feel completely loved and accepted for who I am and I in return, love and accept everyone else for who they are.  It is this magical little space that seems to rarely happen in other areas of my life....

Just now, I have reentered “real life” and am at the LAX airport.  It is a far cry from the sweet energy that is USM.  I just completed my fifth weekend of class and I’ve got to say – this program just keeps getting better and better.  I’m falling in love with my instructors, with my classmates and most importantly - - with myself.  It all feels so good, but in some way this growth feels scary as well and it’s the falling in love with myself part that really scares me, because I finally found my self-love again and now I’m afraid that it is going to disappear.  You see, in the past, whenever I would get into a relationship with a man, there would be a part of me that would stop loving myself because I would become dependent on my man’s love for that.  It’s a slippery slope – I know.  And one that didn’t work out too well in my and Jonny’s past relationship.  And so as I look at fully reentering a new relationship with him again, it is something that I am cautious about and honestly, something that feels like it is holding me back in a big way from being able to jump right back in again.  I need to figure things out, things such as how to continue to make self-honoring choices, how to continue to be strong in my own self-loving, but let his love fill me as well, and how to open my heart up to him again and let down this protective barrier that I have built up so high around it so that I am able to trust him (and me) again. 

Reentry into this relationship isn’t as easy as it seemed that it might be….for me anyway.  But I think that is ok….or at least I hope it is.  I'm trusting that through love and communication it will get easier... 

One thing that I really realized this weekend is that I need to continue to make self-honoring choices for myself if this relationship is going to succeed....and that I stopped doing many of those self-honoring actions this past month.  Because isn’t it funny how once we become happier, our prayers become less frequent, the time spent on taking care of inner and spiritual self diminishes and our focus changes?  Or maybe that is just me….though I doubt it.  And it's not something that I'm proud of....just aware of....and ready to change.  So my intention with all of this is to take it all slow, take care of myself and honor myself and Jonny throughout this process....because I know that we are each so worth it....

When Jonny came to visit, he made me a CD to listen to and on the CD there was a demo version of "I wont give up" that Jason Mraz had made prior to releasing the song, and I like this version a lot because it is completely acoustic, but it also has different lyrics to it that the radio version doesn’t have.   The lyrics are below….and I love them because they encompass everything that I have been feeling lately….not giving up, healing a broken heart, knowing that I am worth it, knowing that he is worth it (that WE are worth it!), knowing that I am loved…..

I won't give up on us

Even if the skies get dark

I'm healing this broken heart

I know I'm worth it...

I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)

God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)

We got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)

Lady you're worth it (and we're worth it)

No, I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)

God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)

We got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)

Lady you're worth it (and we're worth it)

No, I won't give up..

It is going to be a journey these next few months….but even though parts of it feels scary, it feels so good too….which I think is part of the scariness :-)

Lunch with some of the girls in my class

Take care of yourself this week. 

E

Love Wins....

I know.

I haven’t posted in a loooong time.

It’s because I’ve been busy.

And happier. 

And vacationing in Hawaii. 

And trying to understand new changes in my life. 

And most recently hanging out with Jonny Roman.  Yes, you read that right….this weekend…..this happened…..

Jonny came to Minneapolis. 

To visit me.

Because he loves me. 

A lot. 

A whole hell of a lot.

 I know, I know, your jaws are all dropping, mine is still dropping too….there is a lot of back story to all of this, which I don’t feel like getting into in great detail, but essentially around the New Year, Jonny and I started talking again and he started initiating talks of “Could we do this again? Could this work?”.  We decided that we wanted to see if it could…..but I told him that I couldn’t talk it out over the phone with him and that since he had taken pretty drastic actions to get out of our relationship, he needed to take drastic actions to get back in and that if he wanted to really do this, he would have to come and see me.  I was trying to have some serious self-respect with this (and to stick up for myself) and it worked, because he booked a plane ticket.  Right away.  And get this, the date that he arrived was January 24….. exactly 6 months after the day that we had broken up.   Crazy how life happens sometimes, right?

And so Jonny came this weekend.  And it ended up being so beautiful.  I’ll be honest, it was a little weird at first though….we hadn’t seen each other in 6 full months…and so much had happened throughout those months, including so much pain, that it was a little strange to be together right away, but we eventually got over that and started having really deep, honest, sweet conversations and we did a lot of talking and crying and laughing and playing.  And by the end of the weekend we had decided that this was so good that we had to keep on trying.

Jonny told me multiple times that he is now finally ready for me, for this love, for this relationship.  And not only is he ready, but he wants it so much and he is not giving up.  He surprised me by singing me the song I won't give up by Jason Mraz this weekend and it was so perfect, because during our break-up, whenever I would hear this song on the radio it would make me cry and I would secretly wish that someday we would get back together and he would sing this to me on guitar...And on Sat. morning he finally sang it to me...When he sang it to me the first time this weekend, I just started bawling and cried so hard…..but by the 3^rd rendition (over the weekend I kept asking him to sing it for me...) I had stopped crying and was finally able to just enjoy it.  

But even with his romantic songs and ever-present love for me this weekend, I’m still a little apprehensive and somewhat leery at times, as I really don’t want to get hurt again, nor do I want to give up this new life that I have worked so hard to build. However, I don’t think that I have to give up this life in order to love Jonny, I think that I can live them both simultaneously.  There is a lot to still figure out….but right now, in this moment, I feel happy….and I know that he does too.

We are still going to take it slow and I’m not moving there anytime soon.  I will however be visiting Ft. Collins in the next few weeks to check it out, visit our pup Ollie and see how it feels to be with Jonny in his new home. 

More to come….

xo

E

My Solstice Surprise

Yesterday, on Solstice, on the darkest day of the year, I found myself being blessed with so much light.  Yesterday, my friends rallied for me and came together and surprised me with a “Celebration of Elsie” gathering and it was the sweetest thing ever.  I had no idea that they were doing this and instead just thought that I was going out with my friend Laura for a glass of wine to celebrate the fact that she was going out for the first time without her tiny little baby.  I tried to invite other friends along with us so that Laura could have a fun girls night out, but they all turned me down, or didn’t respond, so I just thought “well that is ok, I just get a little extra quality time with Laura then!”.  Little did I know that my friends were all in on it and would all be waiting there for me upon my arrival. 

I arrived at the restaurant and as I walked in, I saw my sweet girlfriends sitting there and I was so surprised.  They said that they all came together on Solstice, the darkest day of the year, to help bring some extra light and love to my life when I needed it most.  And I did, I needed it so much, especially these past few weeks.  I’ve been really down lately and have been wondering when I’ll ever get through this darkness.  And so when these ladies came together for me and shared their light with me, it made me feel so valued, so worthy, so loved.  They read me cards and notes that they had written for me and reminded me of how loved I am.  They said sweet things like “these words of encouragement that I’m sharing with you, are all words that you’ve shared with me once before, and now I’m just giving them back to you.”  They made me laugh and smile and giggle and I felt so honored that all of these amazing women came together for me.

When I saw my mom this morning and told her about the surprise, I started to cry, and then she started to cry, and then we read over the cards again and both just cried.  As tears were running down her cheeks, she said “I’m so proud of your friends and I’m so grateful for them, you needed this so much, it has been so hard to see you so sad, and I’m so glad they did this for you.” I couldn’t have said it better myself.  You girls rallied for me and shined your brilliant, bright, beautiful light with me, and helped to remind me that there is this light within me that still shines too.  If I were to have received nothing more for Christmas than what you all gave me last night, that would have been more than enough.  I’m so thankful.  I love you. 

Night Skiing

In Minnesota, when daylight savings time hits the days get dark….like really dark.  The sun has been setting here around 4:20 for the past week or so and will continue to do so for at least another few weeks.  The early darkness messes with my mindset and even if it is 4:30 in the afternoon, because of the fact that it is dark out, my thoughts tend to sound something like “well it’s dark, the day is done, I can’t go partake in outdoor activities anymore, because it is dark and bedtime is just around the corner”.  What bullshit, right?!  Just because it is dark doesn’t mean that my day is over….and I learned that today when my friend called me and asked me to go cross country skiing with her….. 

We left around 4:00, just as the sun was beginning to set and when we showed up at the ski trails, they looked something like this.....

Absolutely gorgeous.  The trails were lit and we skied for over an hour – which proved to me that hello, I can still partake in activity, even if it is dark out....

While I was skiing, I flashed back to the time when Tyler first told me that he wanted a divorce and we were back home in MN for Christmas.  I remember that after hearing the news I didn’t do anything besides lay down - on the couch, the living room floor or my bed.  I was in so much shock that I couldn’t do anything besides just lay there.  Finally, my mom decided that I needed to move my body and get fresh air, so she started taking me skiing everyday while I was home.  And it helped, at least a little.  There is something so grounding about being in the woods in the dead of winter.  The cold air is harsh and unforgiving, but the silence and beauty of the snow-laden woods is so peaceful that it just seems to wrap me up in a way that makes me strongly feel like I will be ok.   And so tonight as I was skiing quietly through the woods, I was reminded of similar ski outings like this only five years ago when I was also heartbroken and sad, and I realized that even though back then when I never thought that I would heal from the devastation of my divorce, that healing did eventually take place.  And as soon as I recognized that, then the saying “This too shall pass” came into me and struck a deep chord.  I realized that at some point this grieving over Jonny will also pass.  I don’t know how, and I don’t know when, especially because this feels so much sadder than the Tyler situation ever did, but when that message came to me tonight, it just resonated so strongly within me that this situation, yes, this too shall pass. 

I needed that reminder tonight.  That reminder that eventually I will be ok – because what choice do I have but to go on?  I don’t know how this will all resolve, I don’t know why we have to go through this now….I just do know that someday, eventually, I will be ok again – however that looks and whatever that means.  And right now to be totally honest, I don't feel like I am ok all of the time, I’m sad, and I really still miss him a lot, and his silence kills me and frustrates me (we are trying this whole "lets not communicate thing" to see if that helps, but I don't think it does, because while it does hurt at times when we do communicate, it hurts me a hell of a lot more when I don't hear from him), but I'm trying to tell myself that it’s ok, because there is a learning lesson tied into this all.  If nothing else I am learning to love myself again and am gaining so much compassion and empathy for those who are also dealing with heartache and depression.  In case I didn’t understand depression before, I get it now, loud and clear.  In Spiritual Psychology we are learning that “Physical-world reality exists for the purpose of Spiritual Evolution; thus all of life is for learning and growing spiritually.”  At times this growth can be terrifying, as I don’t know what is going to happen or where it is going to lead, but I do know that it is teaching me how to surrender, how to look to a higher power and how to call in that love and the light.  I’m definitely growing spiritually, but sometimes (ok all the time) I just wish it didn’t have to be such a freaking process.    But if it weren’t such a hard process then I have a feeling that wherever I am going wouldn’t be as gratifying once I got there.  I guess they never did say that spiritual growth would be easy….just that I would be given lots of opportunities for learning and healing in order to get there….  Spiritual Psychology also says that “Unresolved issues are blessings as they are opportunities for healing”.  So apparently according to that, I’m being graced with blessings and lots of them.  Maybe I should be more grateful?  I guess so, I’ll work on it…and maybe I should also work on embracing " the fool in me" more....  My favorite blog Momastery just posted this and I loved it....

“I must learn to love the fool in me–the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of my human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my Fool.”
Theodore Isaac Rubin (born 1923);
psychiatrist, author

Doing hard things

As I write this, I am currently stranded in Minneapolis due to the blizzard that began last night and continued through the morning, afternoon, and evening encompassing us all in a silent, white, impassable beauty. 

I came down here to attend a surprise baby shower for my friend Becky and saw her and some other friends while I was here.  It was good for me to see them, as these are people that really know me, and I felt like I was able to let down my guard a little bit when I was around them this weekend.  I’ve been working on being more vulnerable with my friends again and allowing myself to just open up and cry when I need to, which has felt hard, but good at the same time.  I think for a while there I didn’t want to talk about my pain for fear of crying, but what I’ve realized is that it is important for me to be able to talk about it and it is important for them to hear it and to see those tears.  It is important that I allow myself to just feel right now, because so much of this feels scary - which makes me want to hide it.  But when I allow myself to be vulnerable with myself and with my friends, it then becomes a little less scary because their love, strength and words of wisdom help to support me, and makes me feel a little less alone in all of this.  It seems as if I am being worked so hard right now with this process, that I feel like eventually I have to arrive at some type of tipping point where I will be able to break through to some resolution of peace inside of me.  Or at least that is what I hope.  But I really do hope that I am coming to a place where I can begin to relax and naturally breathe deeply, without having to remind myself to take a conscious breath, because I will have finally reached a point where I won’t be holding my breath so often in fear of what is coming next. 

But I haven’t found that peace yet, as the Christmas season is bringing with it not only a little extra stress but some anxiety as well.  Thoughts ruminate through my head such as where are Jonny and Ollie going to be?  What are they doing?  What will this Christmas look like?  I would love to know.  But when I really slow down to think about what my Christmas will look like, I know that it will be beautiful - I’m sure of that.  Though, intermixed within that joy and love of this holiday, there will be a bit of sadness there as well and I know that I need to make that ok.  And it will be ok.  I will have my family around me, and they llooovveee me, and they know that this is hard for me, but they also know that I can do hard things, as I have done much harder things than this in the past.  Reminder to self: I can do hard things. Christmas might be hard, but I can do it, I've done it before.  And they know, and I know, that it will be a good lesson in teaching me how to dig deep, into the pathways of my heart, to find the courage and the compassion to stay present and celebrate joyfully, and to find some mother freaking Christmas cheer, regardless of the situation at hand.  And so while there is sadness, there is also a lot of space for joy, love and gratitude, even if I have to remind myself to get in touch with it and breathe it in - I know that it is always present, and that goodness will only grow stronger if I let it…..and so I might as well do what it takes to let it…or attempt to anyway….

And so I think that the point of this is the reminder that we can all do hard things.  Even when that little voice inside of us doesn't want to. We can do these hard things, and we will, for it doesn't serve us to play small.  And so honestly, one of my hard things that I am currently looking at today, includes just getting through the Christmas season.  Some things that will help with that are: trusting in the process, taking deep breaths, hugs, friends, family time, cookies, spiced eggnog, and going to Zumba to let loose and burn off said cookies and nog….

Becky's Blizzard Baby shower....

A moment of sincere happiness with friends.